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Original poster

Today's telling off from DH

258 replies

Wowohwow88 · 11/04/2024 21:00

DH and I are not in a good place at the moment. I have really tried but everything I say or do is wrong in his eyes.

We are going away for the weekend with the children for 4 days tomorrow. I had to work today in the office, and he the day off. Today I have been moaned at for:

Staying half an hour late at work to handover to the team some work they need to cover for me

Went into the office rather than asking to wfh as we're taking my car and he wanted to load it up (Thuraday is a day I have to be in the office and I wanted to do my handover in person. We're not leaving until 12pm tomorrow)

Got a text message to say I had stacked the cups in the cupboard wrong (they didn't fall out he just didn't like the way it was done)

He has been off all week while I have been working do naturally a few bits for the holiday have fallen to him although I have done all of the clothes washing, loaded and unloaded the dishwasher and the general day to day house stuff as well as dropping off and picking up youngest DC from nursery.

It feels like because he has to do a few bits he feels like he is fed up and makes me feel like i don't do enough

OP posts:
AnnieSnap · 11/04/2024 22:23

pointythings · 11/04/2024 22:19

If you don't want to go straight to leaving him (though you should), you can try one Come to Jesus talk in which you tell him that the criticism stops RIGHT NOW, he learns to respect your boundaries when you are WORKING, and he sorts it if he thinks you've stacked cups or loaded the dishwasher 'wrong' in his eyes.

And if he doesn't step up and change radically, and quickly, you dump him.

I think this 👆is the way forward. You need to put a firm boundary down. His behaviour is unacceptable.

pointythings · 11/04/2024 22:19

If you don't want to go straight to leaving him (though you should), you can try one Come to Jesus talk in which you tell him that the criticism stops RIGHT NOW, he learns to respect your boundaries when you are WORKING, and he sorts it if he thinks you've stacked cups or loaded the dishwasher 'wrong' in his eyes.

And if he doesn't step up and change radically, and quickly, you dump him.

Avatartar · 11/04/2024 22:19

OP you need to keep a record of all of this, then reflect on it. You’ll realise it’s totally beyond normal and it reads as if he’s just deliberately trying to wind you up rather than be useful so collectively you all get ready for time away together. You may consider splitting up as this is a deliberate undermining strategy and that’s not the signs of someone who loves you

jannier · 11/04/2024 22:18

Bye

MistyGreenAndBlue · 11/04/2024 22:16

He resents you. Your job perhaps? Do you out earn him?

Or just the fact that, because you work, he has to muck in and do some actual housework.

Perhaps you're supposed to do it all AND work. After all, it's women's work, right? It's clearly beneath him.

Maybe he's upset that he doesn't earn enough to have a SAHW. His pride is suffering?

Who cares? You COULD try to get to the bottom of this. But, if it were me, I'd just ditch him.

Whatever the reason, his response is to try to put you in your place. He won't get better.

bringmorewashing · 11/04/2024 22:16

Sorry OP, this sounds horrible for you. His behaviour is not normal and he sounds a misery. What does he do if you don't follow his instructions? What if you just told him to do it himself? Or laughed at him and reminded him you're not staff??

bellezarara · 11/04/2024 22:09

Wowohwow88 · 11/04/2024 22:05

Yes this is normal behavior. I expect some form of daily mention of something I have done wrong. Its honestly draining.

Usual themes are

The curtain isn't done properly (we have patio doors and he has a thing about the curtain being done in a certain way to stop the dc tripping over. I honestly do it how he has shown me every day and every day I am moaned at for it)

I work too much. I work 9-5 ish. Stop for lunch sometimes but that's usually either sorting a load of washing out or doing the school run when eldest dc is at school. If he walks in when I am on a call he expects me to stop the call to talk to him and gets annoyed when I ignore him as I'm on a call

I empty the dishwasher before work but occasionally forget to put something away (a bowl or a cup) will get called lazy or told that I must have been rushing back to work if I miss it. He won't then put it away himself, it will be left out for me to do

He’s abusive OP.

You and him are not in a good way because you need to leave him.

JacobsCrackle · 11/04/2024 22:09

What you describe is a kind of abuse, op. Could you leave? What’s your financial situation like?

HappierTimesAhead · 11/04/2024 22:07

He's emotionally abusive 😔 What an awful existence for you. Is there someone you can talk to?

Original poster
Wowohwow88 · 11/04/2024 22:05

Yes this is normal behavior. I expect some form of daily mention of something I have done wrong. Its honestly draining.

Usual themes are

The curtain isn't done properly (we have patio doors and he has a thing about the curtain being done in a certain way to stop the dc tripping over. I honestly do it how he has shown me every day and every day I am moaned at for it)

I work too much. I work 9-5 ish. Stop for lunch sometimes but that's usually either sorting a load of washing out or doing the school run when eldest dc is at school. If he walks in when I am on a call he expects me to stop the call to talk to him and gets annoyed when I ignore him as I'm on a call

I empty the dishwasher before work but occasionally forget to put something away (a bowl or a cup) will get called lazy or told that I must have been rushing back to work if I miss it. He won't then put it away himself, it will be left out for me to do

OP posts:
LaurenX1902 · 11/04/2024 22:02

Seems like hes being a complete arse because hes having to do a bit of something. Im sure he could have loaded the car tonight or in the morning before you go without it being an issue. Seems like hes looking for an argument

TheCatOnTheBedIsAllMineAllMine · 11/04/2024 21:59

If I got a text to say I’d stacked the cups the “wrong” way I think I’d laugh at the petty lunacy then when I got home id smash his favourite one and leave the broken bits on his side of the bed just to ram the point home

AcheyBalzac · 11/04/2024 21:54

Of course it’s completely unreasonable but it’s not about the cupboard, it’s because he’s unhappy and feels frustration and resentment

Not saying it’s an excuse to be a dick, obvs

Have you looked at counselling to get closer to what’s going on beneath the picking and disagreements?

PurpleReindeer2 · 11/04/2024 21:51

He sounds really hard work and grim to live with. Time to think about moving on without him.

JacobsCrackle · 11/04/2024 21:51

He sounds dreadful, controlling and nasty.

Is this normal for him? What other issues do you have?

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 11/04/2024 21:50

God he sounds like an absolute dick.
The things he has moaned about are pathetic, he needs to step up and get the fuck on with it. Christ, if moaned about miniscule shit like that it would be a fucking running commentary, I don't -I just get shit done.

Pippa246 · 11/04/2024 21:50

@Wowohwow88 the title of you’re thread sounds like this is par for the course - ie him “telling you off” on a regular basis. Sounds like a rubbish existence. Time for a talk with your H re expectations and what is acceptable and what is not. But in all honesty, it sounds like that ship may have sailed.

HappierTimesAhead · 11/04/2024 21:46

@Wowohwow88 I am so sorry, he sounds awful.

Allofaflutter · 11/04/2024 21:45

What a dick. Urgh how unattractive. Throw him back.

Devilsmommy · 11/04/2024 21:44

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2024 21:33

You not in a good place because you're married to a complete dickhead.

I really am sorry. My advice is to seek a divorce. If you have to stay, I suggest going nuclear sometimes, "I'll stack the fucking cups any way I please. You're not my manager and I'm not staff. Stack them yourself if you care but don't waste your breath telling me. FFS." I could be more grown up and talk about assertiveness skills but he's clearly doing it in full knowledge he's a wanker.

Excellent advice 😁

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2024 21:43

Wowohwow88 · 11/04/2024 21:41

I didn't respond immediately to the comment on the cups, I was in a call so didn't want to be rude and pick up my phone and it was about an hour later that I replied with something else...however I was also moaned at about the length of time it took me to reply

Times like this I want to offer to shove the cups where I think they should go; right up his arse.

jeaux90 · 11/04/2024 21:42

FML I could not stay with someone who is that petty and useless.
I work excruciating hours, my partner had done an online shop, loaded the car and booked the restaurants when we went away for a few days with the kids over Easter.

He also works full time.

And never moans about my cup stacking.

Original poster
Wowohwow88 · 11/04/2024 21:41

I didn't respond immediately to the comment on the cups, I was in a call so didn't want to be rude and pick up my phone and it was about an hour later that I replied with something else...however I was also moaned at about the length of time it took me to reply

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 11/04/2024 21:40

Imagine yourself in a bubble. Physically separated from his ridiculous complaints. They are his problem, not yours - don't take responsibility for them.

SOxon · 11/04/2024 21:40

Sleeping with the Enemy - remember how that ended