Genuinely kind, friendly and polite teen boys

Yes I work/socialised at university with a fair number of public school boys. Far more misogyny and wildly alarming comments.

But yes, their manners were "impeccable"

(For balance the boyfriend who raped me was state grammar)

I never did anything about it. I was coping with an awful tragic bereavement at the time as well, I had no fight left.

But a friend said something about another (earlier ) girlfriend of his years later that made me realise I wasn't the only one.

I don't need my children to be perfectly polite and charming. I would rather they were authentic but fundamentally decent people. Surface politeness and charm is just that.

I absolutely agree with you there @TheaBrandt. I think DS is a good un but ofc none of us can say for sure. I have a DD too and she confirms what you say about widespread misogyny. Maybe related to porn?

My teen boys are close to their sister and female cousins which I think helps. I've always told them to teach girls with respect and how you'd expect your sister and cousins to be treated, after all, every girl is someone's daughter/sister/cousin.

True. But think there are deep rooted problems with how many boys treat girls. I base this view on anecdote from my teen dds and also the reports about widespread sexual assault in schools and the Everyone’s Invited campaign. Makes me so depressed. Hope all the pp posters are right and their sons genuinely are decent. To girls as their peers and not just to mum.

I take your point but how would we able to tell this though? Every parent of either sex only knows what we see.

@shams05 I am Asian. And have brought my DC up with some elements of my culture, though not all. One thing that I made sure with DS is that he did all the chores. He didn't get a pass as a lot of men in Asian households do. In fact DD does less!

Interesting comment about the school having an effect.

The most unpleasant sexist boys Dd has encountered recently were from Marlborough. Three of my friends state school sons have had girlfriends who attended that school - so those girls are voting with their feet.

Toigh to read. i hope you were believed and his perfect image did not shield him.
@SpaghettiWithaYeti

My teen is friendly and polite and knows how to behave but I wouldn't describe him as kind

He's not not kind but it's not a word I'd ever use to describe him

I think parenting can be done “right” and “wrong” in lots of different ways, but there is also a genetic or personal factor. I have twins (they aren’t boys) and they are like chalk and cheese despite the same parenting. I think they’re both lovely and sweet in many ways, but one also swears like a trooper, often ignores boundaries, gets super grumpy when tired or hungry, and lies instinctively when put on the spot. None of which has become a major issue yet as so far she seems to know when to rein it in, is enthusiastic, does her homework and throws herself into activities. But I wouldn’t bet on it not going wrong at some point in the future.

DH once said that an acquaintance opened up to him about his two adult sons. One was fantastic on every level and the other was a loser, no job, no home, didn’t want to do anything, they couldn’t do anything with him. He smoked weed and his personality changed as soon as he turned to drugs.

I have girls but I know lots of sweet, kind considerate and polite boys of all ages.
Some have always been like that whilst others went through a pre/early teen blip before going back tonth3ir sweet nature of before.

I'd love to see the demographic of parents on this thread. Not everyone is'white, middle class'.
My boys both attended an all boys school, not private or independent just a local all boys who are very strict on discipline and respect for others, both male and female.
It ties in with everything we try to teach them at home and what they're taught at the mosque.

My boys are far from perfect at home. One in particular can be a horror but other people always comment on how polte and helpful they are and I get lots of positive comments about both of them. I think that's a win. The main issue I have is that they fight with each other but if Its just one on one with me, they're both pretty great to hang out with.
As I said, not perfect but we do ok.

I get to see lots of young people through work (HCP) and I noticed that all the young lads who were pleasant, polite and talkative went to one of the several local independent schools. I see a few with similar characters from local state schools but not as consistent as the private schools.
We were lucky enough to have a choice and one of the primary reasons we chose DS’s school was the politeness of the teenagers we knew who attended.

For me it’s a combination of parents and school. Partly strict rules and boundaries but mainly due to peer influence. I have often seen them correct each other in social situations, reinforcing the standards the school expect.
By late teens they greet each other with a natural, confident handshake and/or a warm hug ( although that may be just rugby players ). They instinctively open doors, carry bags and greet you with a nod or a smile. Even in the early, more awkward teens I would have DS’s friends chat to me when we watched rugby or cricket.

The term manners maketh the man definitely applies to DS and his friends.
They are still very much lads but are careful not to swear in front of adults or young children and apologise if they slip up.

For me, I expect DS to have the same respect I was taught to display. Addressing people formally, unless invited to do otherwise. Eye contact, please and thank you, appropriate language and good manners.
It does help if the are naturally sensible ( most of the time) but more importantly that as the parent you make time to address the difficult stuff. I was very upfront about consent and although not the easiest conversation, making sure that DS took responsibility for his own contraception. DS knows there is nothing I am unwilling to talk about so has no problem approaching me. Ultimately it’s a two way thing and showing them how respect works is probably the best thing you can teach them. DS is more likely to pull me up nowadays if I’m being unkind about someone ( I do test him sometimes).

I'm the mum of 3 boys and have quite a few friends who have 3 or 4 sons as we all kind of hung out together when they were around 8 onwards. They're all in their 20s now and I love all of them.

IMHO, firstly, let them actually be boys. If it means wrestling each other, Nerfing the crap out of each other, throwing one another off a small balcony (long story) let them do it but hold them responsible. But if it's something else altogether, listen to them and work with that. Make them aware of how stuff their clumsy ass bodies and occasionally stupid minds affect other people. Have dinner with them all the time and teach them manners. Let some of the milder stuff go. Teach them that mean words can hurt as much as a punch in the nose. Feed them good food because those kids love to eat.

And, oh, wait! That's exactly what I did for my DD too! It's just being a parent.

I have a tween who is an utter sweetheart and my god I hope it stays that way! Everyone around me seems to think so which is nice. He’s my proudest achievement. He’s such a polite, kind, gentle, empathetic boy.

I think he’s naturally a kind soul, but from being young I’ve always spoken to him about what is right and wrong and why. He’s very much aware of women’s rights and Black Lives Matter/gay rights and we have talked at length about all the struggles of these groups through history and I think it’s helped mould a very open caring human.
I’ve done lots of work with him on different types of people-trying to teach him that some people don’t show kindness because of xyz and helped guide him through quite toxic friendships in the past and I’ve seen how maturely he’s handled it.

For me it’s been all about having frank conversations with him about important things.
Im a single mum and live in a deprived area, his father was an alcoholic but he never witnessed that but felt the effects of it, resulting in him losing his dad. Even that, he’s dealt with it with such grace and compassion.
I honestly think our communication and connection we have has helped so much.

I've always encouraged mine to be active. I think that really helps when their hormones makes them emotional.
They've had chores and responsibilities from a young age leading to volunteering then jobs when they're older. Part of the volunteering was to encourage empathy.
They've never been punished but still know what behaviours are acceptable and unacceptable.
We're also a relaxed, fun loving extended family who remain on good terms with each other despite any conflicts.

I have 2 older teens and I think they’re lovely. We’ve always had rules and boundaries and they’ve always been brought up to respect others and property - they’ve always kept their rooms clean and tidy and looked after their belongings. We’ve never over indulged them but they’ve always appreciated birthday/Christmas gifts as we’ve taught them that they can’t always have everything they want.
We always sit down and eat evening meals
together and we usually try and have an evening each week where we play card games or watch a movie together. I genuinely enjoy spending time with them.

Agreed. My first boyfriend was utterly charming thank everyone. Polite, well mannered, academically successful, sporty, delightful to his mum, spent lots of time with his family as well as his friends. Teachers loved him.

He also became increasingly controlling behind closed doors.

then raped me.

Ours is a calm house- DH and I rarely argue and we share all the chores.
Maybe our DS’s learned from that? They were expected to muck in and help from a young age so it just became the norm. We also made a point of eating our evening meal together right from when they were little. They still love a good family Sunday roast even as adults, and no screens at the table.
They did have their fair share of teenage scrapes and bad decisions but we’ve tried to raise them with the attitude that life doesn’t go as planned, there will always be challenges and difficulties, and it’s how you deal with it that is important.

I know loads of really lovely teen boys.

They’ve all got great dads.

Mine have been brought up to respect women and girls and have many platonic female friends. My eldest does a lot of work with boys in younger age groups on preventing sex based violence. So I’m pretty comfortable with how mine treat girls, thanks.

Secondary school teacher here. Teen boys are lovely. Kind, helpful and straightforward. In my experience the class dramas tended to be amongst the girls. Most boys keep their heads down and do their best to get by.

It was the stark contrast between starry eyed gushing mothers view of their sons and very different side seen by these boys female peer group that struck me.

Dd and her friends have largely given up on the boys - they are very peripheral now.