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AIBU?

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Original poster

Who's right and who's wrong out of me and my husband?

462 replies

SallyMcCarthy · 11/04/2024 15:14

I had major abdominal surgery 2 days ago (gall bladder removal, laparoscopic surgery), and I'm now recovering at home. Knowing I was going to be having the surgery, I booked my dog into Doggy Daycare for every day between now and 22 April. My dog, Fudge, absolutely adores going to daycare. It's a wonderful place and he loves romping around with the other dogs - it's his favourite thing to do. So, I thought: I'll book him in every day for four/five hours, so I'll be able to have a calm house to recover in, and he can be having fun at daycare. I assumed my husband would be willing to drive Fudge to and from the daycare facility. For context: my husband hates being 'stuck in the car'. He finds driving stressful, whereas I love it. Doggy Daycare is a 30 minute drive from our house. While I was in hospital, my husband messaged me and said, 'The traffic was really bad this morning when I was taking Fudge to daycare, so from tomorrow onwards, I'm not going to take him. I'll just look after him at home, it's fine -- I'll take him for walks two or three times a day.' Now, Fudge totally would be fine, but he'd also be a bit bored. His favourite fun is going to play with the other dogs. He has such a wonderful time. And I very much want to recover gently from my operation and ideally do some work too (I have a backlog waiting for me, once I have enough energy) and it would be so much harder for me if there were a bouncy bored dog in the house all day during this period. Another thing, for context, is that I am the sole breadwinner. I earn a lot of money, and my husband hasn't worked for about 15 years (he gave up his job to be at home with the kids because my job required constant travel in those days.)

So, I said to him, 'Listen, I really really want a quiet house so I can work, and for Fudge to go to daycare. Please, please will you drive him there and back while I recover? Just for maybe five days, and then I should be strong enough to drive him myself.' And my husband said no. He said he didn't mind having Fudge at home and would far rather that, and walk him several times, than take him to daycare with all the driving involved. And I just wanted Fudge to have the most fun possible, and for me to have the quiet time I craved too...so I ended up driving Fudge to and from daycare yesterday, the actual day after my abdominal surgery. And I drove him there again today, and will pick him up this afternoon - even though I feel tender and weak and barely recovered. Husband sees me doing this and still doesn't say, 'Look if it means that much to you, I'll drive him there and back.' Am I being unreasonable to think he should just have driven the dog to day care for the days I can't do it?

OP posts:
Lifestooshort71 · 11/04/2024 21:08

my husband has been able to be rich
That phrase alone would make me team husband!

ziggies · 11/04/2024 21:07

Bad form to mention breadwinner as if the stay at home parent has less right to an opinion.

2h of driving a day is too much for most, even those who don't hate driving.

Is this more about you wanting Fudge to have fun OR recovering quietly? Because if your husband takes care of Fudge at home, won't that let you recover peacefully? Also if it really was about recovery, would you really be putting your body through driving 2h a day everyday? I think it's fair to want to spoil your dog a bit but you have to be honest about it

ziggies · 11/04/2024 21:04

Mrsttcno1 · 11/04/2024 15:20

I think you should really have discussed it with your husband before you booked it, 30 mins drive is an hour in the car a day so I would have checked with my husband that this was okay before I arranged it?

If your husband is happy to do the dog care & walking then it’s unnecessary anyway, and I say that as someone who also has a bouncy Labrador. As long as your husband is prepared to do the walks etc then he’s not unreasonable to not drive an hour a day for daycare.

2 hours - there and back twice

StormingNorman · 11/04/2024 21:02

Mnetcurious · 11/04/2024 17:56

Would you say the same the other way round?

Wife gave up working to look after kids so that husband could continue his career and earn big bucks. Children now grown up but wife hasn’t needed to go back to work.
Husband recovering from surgery demands that wife drives two hours per day so that dog can play with its friends, even though husband knows wife doesn’t like driving. Wife has said she’ll give the dog extra walks and keep it out of the way so that husband can recover. But apparently that’s not good enough and the wife should be doing unnecessary driving because that’s what the husband wants and she doesn’t work.

Show quote history

That husband would be called controlling and there would be an outpouring of outrage.

StormingNorman · 11/04/2024 20:59

Mrsttcno1 · 11/04/2024 16:28

100% this!!

Funny all the women here slating a man for not working yet they are the same people on the SAHM threads preaching about how you don’t have to have a job to be adding value to the family/house and how it should all be family money. The hypocrisy is unreal

Show quote history

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

And he’s done his bit raising YOUR children. He’s entitled to stay home reading and doing yoga now.

sandyhappypeople · 11/04/2024 20:56

If your doctor hasn't signed you off as fit to drive, or if your post op records give a time frame for driving then you won't be insured to drive.. it's a silly risk to take just to prove a point, the dog isn't going to combust.

I'm torn on this though, on the one hand, does the dog REALLY need to be in the car 2 hours everyday, the answer is no, of course he doesn't, does your husband need to step up while you're recovering, yes.

I would say the dog thing is a WANT though not a NEED, so it's reasonable of him to refuse to do it, I wouldn't have asked my DH to do this if he hates driving.

Are you sure you don't think of him as a bit of an employee at times?

BigSkies2022 · 11/04/2024 20:53

Blimey, I haven't read the whole thread, but am amazed at the horrified responses that the poor man has to drive 2 whole hours a day for a few days while his wife recovers from surgery.

SoozyWoozy5 · 11/04/2024 20:50

YABU. A gall bladder removal is not ‘major abdominal surgery’! Secondly, a 30 minute drive each way to drop off a dog is excessive.

ChristmasCwtch · 11/04/2024 20:45

Your husband is being unreasonable. He hasn’t worked for 15 years!! Given he’s fully subsidised by you (surely he doesn’t still need to be a SAHD), he should have taken the dog.

21ZIGGY · 11/04/2024 20:38

Your husband is a dick but that is not major surgery. I was back to normal after 24/48 hrs and i had 5 horses.
However, yanbu on ur actual question. But dont waste money on day care when ur husband can walk the dog all day

HollyKnight · 11/04/2024 20:33

Your stubbornness is incredible. Do you ever compromise? You didn't even try it your husband's way for one day. It had to be your way. Who cares about the people you put at risk by driving straight after surgery. I get the impression that you think he owes you (or that you own him?) for "giving" him the luxurious life he has, and because of this you should have the final say over what happens in your household.

How is your plan to "recover gently" and "do some work" working out for you when 2 hours of your day is spent taxiing a dog around?

SwordToFlamethrower · 11/04/2024 20:26

Doggy daycare - peak mumsnet. I've absolutely heard it all now!!!

GettingStuffed · 11/04/2024 20:25

Is he a shared dog? Or yours? I think that makes a difference.
I was able to do normal stuff the day after my op even though I was instructed to take things easy.

SwordToFlamethrower · 11/04/2024 20:22

You're a martyr, stop it! Not cool or safe.

Don't play the high earner card as a way to control someone. Also very uncool.

Has husband kept the dog out of the way? It is a dog by the way. Not a human. Doggy day care sounds absolutely barmy to me.

Get well soon. Stop putting a dog before your own health. Husband has got this.

paddlinglikecrazy · 11/04/2024 20:18

Don’t drive the dog when you’re in pain. Take DH up on his offer, he can walk the dog a few times a day instead and if the dog is bored and bouncy ask DH to keep him out of the way.

Jeannie88 · 11/04/2024 20:12

Compromise, do alternate days? Xx

Poppercorn · 11/04/2024 20:11

You're absolutely not insured if you're driving. Could be two - six weeks before you are, and you need the doctors OK also. If you crashed your car (your fault or not) you wouldn't be covered even if it's nothing to do with your surgery.

NoblyBobly · 11/04/2024 20:11

Yabvu for driving!!!!

mcmooberry · 11/04/2024 20:10

If he doesn't have a job and lives off your money then the least he can do is drive the dog to daycare. Imagine him letting you do it post surgery! Initially I thought the 30 mins each way was ridiculous but as he hasn't anything much else to do then less so. I wouldn't be happy with him at all.

Wexone · 11/04/2024 20:08

10 lapiroscopic surgery's done here. have dogs wouldn't have dreamed putting them in day care let alone one half an hours drive away. husband walked them day after surgery. neighbour and friends helped out next day or two. however by third day I was up and about no issues and walking them myslef. they loved the fact I was home actually in bed and on the sofa lounging with me.

OfTheNight · 11/04/2024 20:03

What breed is Fudge? He must be crazy high energy if he’s not happy with several walks. Maybe try some settle training to make it easier on you both.

Would doggy day care provide a pickup for him? Ours does this for about £4 extra.

LadyLapsang · 11/04/2024 20:02

I don’t understand why you would send a dog to daycare unless the alternative was it being left in an empty house or with someone unable to look after it.

venus7 · 11/04/2024 20:01

SallyMcCarthy · 11/04/2024 15:14

I had major abdominal surgery 2 days ago (gall bladder removal, laparoscopic surgery), and I'm now recovering at home. Knowing I was going to be having the surgery, I booked my dog into Doggy Daycare for every day between now and 22 April. My dog, Fudge, absolutely adores going to daycare. It's a wonderful place and he loves romping around with the other dogs - it's his favourite thing to do. So, I thought: I'll book him in every day for four/five hours, so I'll be able to have a calm house to recover in, and he can be having fun at daycare. I assumed my husband would be willing to drive Fudge to and from the daycare facility. For context: my husband hates being 'stuck in the car'. He finds driving stressful, whereas I love it. Doggy Daycare is a 30 minute drive from our house. While I was in hospital, my husband messaged me and said, 'The traffic was really bad this morning when I was taking Fudge to daycare, so from tomorrow onwards, I'm not going to take him. I'll just look after him at home, it's fine -- I'll take him for walks two or three times a day.' Now, Fudge totally would be fine, but he'd also be a bit bored. His favourite fun is going to play with the other dogs. He has such a wonderful time. And I very much want to recover gently from my operation and ideally do some work too (I have a backlog waiting for me, once I have enough energy) and it would be so much harder for me if there were a bouncy bored dog in the house all day during this period. Another thing, for context, is that I am the sole breadwinner. I earn a lot of money, and my husband hasn't worked for about 15 years (he gave up his job to be at home with the kids because my job required constant travel in those days.)

So, I said to him, 'Listen, I really really want a quiet house so I can work, and for Fudge to go to daycare. Please, please will you drive him there and back while I recover? Just for maybe five days, and then I should be strong enough to drive him myself.' And my husband said no. He said he didn't mind having Fudge at home and would far rather that, and walk him several times, than take him to daycare with all the driving involved. And I just wanted Fudge to have the most fun possible, and for me to have the quiet time I craved too...so I ended up driving Fudge to and from daycare yesterday, the actual day after my abdominal surgery. And I drove him there again today, and will pick him up this afternoon - even though I feel tender and weak and barely recovered. Husband sees me doing this and still doesn't say, 'Look if it means that much to you, I'll drive him there and back.' Am I being unreasonable to think he should just have driven the dog to day care for the days I can't do it?

How do you know it's the doggie's favourite fun ever; do you ask him?

Bournetilly · 11/04/2024 19:58

I think YABU, you know he doesn’t like driving but you are expecting him to drive 2 hours every day. He probably didn’t realise how much longer it would take with traffic etc. Hes offering to care for the dog and walk the dog several times a day. Just ask him to keep the dog in a seperate room so you can rest and get some work done.

He only offered to take the dog for 4/5 days anyway so I’m guessing after that you were planning to take the dog yourself? The dog will be fine at home with several walks for 4/5 days.

LuluBlakey1 · 11/04/2024 19:57

SallyMcCarthy · 11/04/2024 15:14

I had major abdominal surgery 2 days ago (gall bladder removal, laparoscopic surgery), and I'm now recovering at home. Knowing I was going to be having the surgery, I booked my dog into Doggy Daycare for every day between now and 22 April. My dog, Fudge, absolutely adores going to daycare. It's a wonderful place and he loves romping around with the other dogs - it's his favourite thing to do. So, I thought: I'll book him in every day for four/five hours, so I'll be able to have a calm house to recover in, and he can be having fun at daycare. I assumed my husband would be willing to drive Fudge to and from the daycare facility. For context: my husband hates being 'stuck in the car'. He finds driving stressful, whereas I love it. Doggy Daycare is a 30 minute drive from our house. While I was in hospital, my husband messaged me and said, 'The traffic was really bad this morning when I was taking Fudge to daycare, so from tomorrow onwards, I'm not going to take him. I'll just look after him at home, it's fine -- I'll take him for walks two or three times a day.' Now, Fudge totally would be fine, but he'd also be a bit bored. His favourite fun is going to play with the other dogs. He has such a wonderful time. And I very much want to recover gently from my operation and ideally do some work too (I have a backlog waiting for me, once I have enough energy) and it would be so much harder for me if there were a bouncy bored dog in the house all day during this period. Another thing, for context, is that I am the sole breadwinner. I earn a lot of money, and my husband hasn't worked for about 15 years (he gave up his job to be at home with the kids because my job required constant travel in those days.)

So, I said to him, 'Listen, I really really want a quiet house so I can work, and for Fudge to go to daycare. Please, please will you drive him there and back while I recover? Just for maybe five days, and then I should be strong enough to drive him myself.' And my husband said no. He said he didn't mind having Fudge at home and would far rather that, and walk him several times, than take him to daycare with all the driving involved. And I just wanted Fudge to have the most fun possible, and for me to have the quiet time I craved too...so I ended up driving Fudge to and from daycare yesterday, the actual day after my abdominal surgery. And I drove him there again today, and will pick him up this afternoon - even though I feel tender and weak and barely recovered. Husband sees me doing this and still doesn't say, 'Look if it means that much to you, I'll drive him there and back.' Am I being unreasonable to think he should just have driven the dog to day care for the days I can't do it?

Perhaps you'd be better booking yourself into a hotel for 5 days and letting DH and Fudge have a nice time at home.