Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's right and who's wrong out of me and my husband?

462 replies

SallyMcCarthy · 11/04/2024 15:14

I had major abdominal surgery 2 days ago (gall bladder removal, laparoscopic surgery), and I'm now recovering at home. Knowing I was going to be having the surgery, I booked my dog into Doggy Daycare for every day between now and 22 April. My dog, Fudge, absolutely adores going to daycare. It's a wonderful place and he loves romping around with the other dogs - it's his favourite thing to do. So, I thought: I'll book him in every day for four/five hours, so I'll be able to have a calm house to recover in, and he can be having fun at daycare. I assumed my husband would be willing to drive Fudge to and from the daycare facility. For context: my husband hates being 'stuck in the car'. He finds driving stressful, whereas I love it. Doggy Daycare is a 30 minute drive from our house. While I was in hospital, my husband messaged me and said, 'The traffic was really bad this morning when I was taking Fudge to daycare, so from tomorrow onwards, I'm not going to take him. I'll just look after him at home, it's fine -- I'll take him for walks two or three times a day.' Now, Fudge totally would be fine, but he'd also be a bit bored. His favourite fun is going to play with the other dogs. He has such a wonderful time. And I very much want to recover gently from my operation and ideally do some work too (I have a backlog waiting for me, once I have enough energy) and it would be so much harder for me if there were a bouncy bored dog in the house all day during this period. Another thing, for context, is that I am the sole breadwinner. I earn a lot of money, and my husband hasn't worked for about 15 years (he gave up his job to be at home with the kids because my job required constant travel in those days.)

So, I said to him, 'Listen, I really really want a quiet house so I can work, and for Fudge to go to daycare. Please, please will you drive him there and back while I recover? Just for maybe five days, and then I should be strong enough to drive him myself.' And my husband said no. He said he didn't mind having Fudge at home and would far rather that, and walk him several times, than take him to daycare with all the driving involved. And I just wanted Fudge to have the most fun possible, and for me to have the quiet time I craved too...so I ended up driving Fudge to and from daycare yesterday, the actual day after my abdominal surgery. And I drove him there again today, and will pick him up this afternoon - even though I feel tender and weak and barely recovered. Husband sees me doing this and still doesn't say, 'Look if it means that much to you, I'll drive him there and back.' Am I being unreasonable to think he should just have driven the dog to day care for the days I can't do it?

OP posts:
Nanaof1 · 12/04/2024 06:00

Codlingmoths · 12/04/2024 05:32

If there’s no financial need I don’t think the sahm partner has to work just because the kids got older, after doing all the parenting and house for the busy years and supporting the other career.

Show quote history

But the person who has been working at a job for ALL of those years, has to keep working for a lot MORE years? Or do they get to quit their "job" as the SAHP did once the kids are grown and OOTH?

Nanaof1 · 12/04/2024 05:49

SilverTotoro · 11/04/2024 15:26

Yanbu. Regardless of whether you could have discussed this beforehand I honestly cannot imagine letting someone I love struggle to drive after surgery when I could do it instead.

The fact that you financially support your husband when presumably the children are teenagers and he’d be capable of working just makes him sound even more selfish.

Thank you! I can see him being a SAHD, though many women do that and still manage a PT job; but the kids are not little any longer, and he should be working so he has a pension. He sounds lazy, IMHO.

SD1978 · 12/04/2024 05:48

@Codlingmoths- I'd have to disagree with this- basically that gives the impression that a SAHP works only u it's the youngest child is 18/ independent/ leaves home and their job is done, yet the parent who is financially responsible is always financially responsible. I'd say once the last kid has left/ grown up, the SAHP could look to start to contribute financially, and then both maybe get to take a step back with a joint financial input, the working partner can maybe look to go part time? I don't think the SAHP then gets to do sweet FA for the rest of their life.

Codlingmoths · 12/04/2024 05:32

Eviebeans · 12/04/2024 04:11

Is there a particular reason for your husband not working now that the children are older?

If there’s no financial need I don’t think the sahm partner has to work just because the kids got older, after doing all the parenting and house for the busy years and supporting the other career.

Devilshands · 12/04/2024 05:25

I’m confused. Why do you shove your dog off into day care when there’s someone at home? Why do you even have a dog? And does it go to daycare all the time? Even when you’re fine?!

Eviebeans · 12/04/2024 04:11

Is there a particular reason for your husband not working now that the children are older?

HappiestSleeping · 12/04/2024 04:05

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 11/04/2024 23:28

Originally the OP said that she “assumed”, and then backtracked. At best, it sounds as if he “agreed” after it was a done deal. At worst, he never agreed at all, but the comments didn’t go the way the OP thought.

Show quote history

Yeah, I took at gave value what she said in her update. My original opinion was if he hadn't been asked she was being unreasonable, if she had asked them he was.

I have a dog, he also likes day care, but to send him for a whole week when husband is there to look after him is a bit much. Especially when one doesn't like driving and the other is recovering from an operation.

UndertheCedartree · 12/04/2024 03:54

BobbyBiscuits · 11/04/2024 15:52

Could you get a 'dogsitter/walker' who could simply take the dog there and back. And potentially take them if daycare was shut?
It does seem quite far to drive. But the fact you are the breadwinner (has he got disabilities and the relevant benefits if unable to work?) if not it means you should take the dog's extra costs out of his 'pocket money'.

Edited

And what benefits do you get for having disabilities and unable to work if the family is rich?? 😂

UndertheCedartree · 12/04/2024 03:33

Please don't drive. It isn't safe...you could kill someone.

Tell your DH if he doesn't want to drive Fudge then he has to have him out the house for the same number of hours as if at daycare. Or is there somewhere nearer he can go?

DBD1975 · 12/04/2024 03:10

I would suggest finding doggy day care closer to home. Even if you can't find an actual day care centre there will be dog sitting services with other dogs for Fudge to play with.

I wouldn't expect anyone to do a 2 hour round trip every day for doggy day care and I say that as a dog owner and huge lover of dogs. I also think your husband has offered a reasonable compromise.

However reading between the lines I don't think this is anything to do with the dog I think it is about your relationship with your husband and the fact he is falling to meet your expectations at a time when you feel he should be prepared to do anything you ask whilst recovering from surgery.

As for driving your car whilst recovering that is irresponsible Fudge isn't going to report you to the RSPCA if he doesn't go to daycare for a few weeks. Wheres if you have an accident driving what you have been advised not to your insurance will be invalid.

RogueFemale · 12/04/2024 01:41

@SallyMcCarthy Another thing, for context, is that I am the sole breadwinner. I earn a lot of money, and my husband hasn't worked for about 15 years (he gave up his job to be at home with the kids because my job required constant travel in those days.)

In this context, it sounds as if you expect your husband to jump to your command. It doesn't always work like this, any more than it would if the roles were reversed.

Pussygaloregalapagos · 12/04/2024 01:34

Yeah 2 hours in the car each day to take dog to play with friends is a pain in the arse. Just let the dog chill at home.

Solocup · 12/04/2024 01:23

It’s a dog. Not a baby. Your husband said he’d look after the dog. Let him. Not sure what either of your work statuses have to do with anything.

thirdfiddle · 12/04/2024 01:14

Well yes of course, a woman who has just had abdominal surgery should of course be putting the rest of the world before her recovery.....selfish cow!

She's putting her dog's fun day out before her recovery.
And she's been regularly driving 2 hours to give her dog a fun day out before surgery was a factor at all.

Jumpingthruhoops · 12/04/2024 01:09

Mrsttcno1 · 11/04/2024 15:20

I think you should really have discussed it with your husband before you booked it, 30 mins drive is an hour in the car a day so I would have checked with my husband that this was okay before I arranged it?

If your husband is happy to do the dog care & walking then it’s unnecessary anyway, and I say that as someone who also has a bouncy Labrador. As long as your husband is prepared to do the walks etc then he’s not unreasonable to not drive an hour a day for daycare.

It would actually be 2hrs in total:
DH and Fudge to Daycare = 30mins
DH return home = 30mins; then later
DH to Daycare = 30mins
DH and Fudge return home = 30mins

5YearsLeft · 12/04/2024 01:03

There is absolutely no way that it was safe for you to drive the day after your surgery, @SallyMcCarthy . I can’t imagine how dreadful you must have felt, and most places advise not to drive or operate heavy machinery for 24 hours after a general anesthetic; maybe they didn’t tell you this. I’m glad you and your dog are okay and weren’t injured.

Second, compromise? If he is so uncomfortable driving that he can’t keep his word to his wife who has just gotten out of surgery, ok. But “giving the dog two to three walks a day” isn’t a compromise. A compromise is that he needs to keep the dog out of the house for the same amount of time the dog would have been gone. So I guess DH and DDog are going for a five-hour jolly tomorrow. But that’s it - he agreed the dog would be out of the house for several hours, then he needs to take the dog out of the house for several hours, either by driving to doggy daycare or by leaving with the dog for those hours.

And if he’s so uncomfortable with driving, is he really safe to have a driver’s licence? Yes, I understand it may be convenient for when he really needs to drive, but it sounds like he has absolutely no confidence at all in his driving. If he does want to keep his licence, could he maybe take some refresher or anxiety-reducing driving classes?

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/04/2024 00:49

Irishdragon · 12/04/2024 00:38

Laparoscopic gallbladder surgery is day case . YABU

Yeah because that is the issue here, not the lazy cock lodger who wont drive for an hour twice a day in order to make the woman he claims to love, feel better.

FFs......

Seriously beginning to think that this place should be renamed MumstepfordNet.

Concannon88 · 12/04/2024 00:41

Wtf? He let you drive the dog?

Irishdragon · 12/04/2024 00:38

Laparoscopic gallbladder surgery is day case . YABU

0sm0nthus · 12/04/2024 00:38

If he wants a sugar mummy he has to do his chores!

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 12/04/2024 00:34

As long as DH 100% looks after the dog then he is not BU to not wishe to spend all that time driving.

Codlingmoths · 12/04/2024 00:17

DearAnt · 12/04/2024 00:14

That’s precisely what he wants to do?

Show quote history

Hahhaaa ha EXACTLY! That lazy cocklodger, how bloody dare he insist he walk the dog!

DearAnt · 12/04/2024 00:14

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 12/04/2024 00:13

Your DH is a lazy cocklodger-make him walk the dog as promised several times a day-dog will enjoy that just as much.

That’s precisely what he wants to do?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 12/04/2024 00:13

Your DH is a lazy cocklodger-make him walk the dog as promised several times a day-dog will enjoy that just as much.

Cherrysoup · 11/04/2024 23:56

Have you contacted your insurance to check you’re clear to drive? I was told I shouldn’t drive and wouldn’t be insured until I was able to do an emergency stop.