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Original poster

Who's right and who's wrong out of me and my husband?

462 replies

SallyMcCarthy · 11/04/2024 15:14

I had major abdominal surgery 2 days ago (gall bladder removal, laparoscopic surgery), and I'm now recovering at home. Knowing I was going to be having the surgery, I booked my dog into Doggy Daycare for every day between now and 22 April. My dog, Fudge, absolutely adores going to daycare. It's a wonderful place and he loves romping around with the other dogs - it's his favourite thing to do. So, I thought: I'll book him in every day for four/five hours, so I'll be able to have a calm house to recover in, and he can be having fun at daycare. I assumed my husband would be willing to drive Fudge to and from the daycare facility. For context: my husband hates being 'stuck in the car'. He finds driving stressful, whereas I love it. Doggy Daycare is a 30 minute drive from our house. While I was in hospital, my husband messaged me and said, 'The traffic was really bad this morning when I was taking Fudge to daycare, so from tomorrow onwards, I'm not going to take him. I'll just look after him at home, it's fine -- I'll take him for walks two or three times a day.' Now, Fudge totally would be fine, but he'd also be a bit bored. His favourite fun is going to play with the other dogs. He has such a wonderful time. And I very much want to recover gently from my operation and ideally do some work too (I have a backlog waiting for me, once I have enough energy) and it would be so much harder for me if there were a bouncy bored dog in the house all day during this period. Another thing, for context, is that I am the sole breadwinner. I earn a lot of money, and my husband hasn't worked for about 15 years (he gave up his job to be at home with the kids because my job required constant travel in those days.)

So, I said to him, 'Listen, I really really want a quiet house so I can work, and for Fudge to go to daycare. Please, please will you drive him there and back while I recover? Just for maybe five days, and then I should be strong enough to drive him myself.' And my husband said no. He said he didn't mind having Fudge at home and would far rather that, and walk him several times, than take him to daycare with all the driving involved. And I just wanted Fudge to have the most fun possible, and for me to have the quiet time I craved too...so I ended up driving Fudge to and from daycare yesterday, the actual day after my abdominal surgery. And I drove him there again today, and will pick him up this afternoon - even though I feel tender and weak and barely recovered. Husband sees me doing this and still doesn't say, 'Look if it means that much to you, I'll drive him there and back.' Am I being unreasonable to think he should just have driven the dog to day care for the days I can't do it?

OP posts:
Themaghag · 12/04/2024 19:37

If your husband gave up work 15 years ago to look after the children why isn’t he back at work now? You would all have been up the creek without a paddle if you had found ‘travelling all the time’ too stressful’ wouldn’t you? If your husband had a job the chances are that he would have to drive to it every day, so he’s getting off very lightly if all you are asking him to do is take the dog to daycare for FIVE days. Why are you even with such a useless lazy fucker? I’m completely astounded that so many women are defending him - what is the point of him? You definitely aren’t being unreasonable OP - if he doesn’t care enough about you to do this one small thing while you recover from your op you should LTB!

Universalsnail · 12/04/2024 19:35

I was about to say your husband is the unreasonable one until I realised it would be 2 hours in the car every single day. I think it's unreasonable to expect him to do that. The odd day sure but not every day.

VK456 · 12/04/2024 19:28

(I was in less pain after the same op than I was before I had it.)

Feelingleftoutagain · 12/04/2024 19:04

Hope you feeling a bit better, I had this operation last year and it does take a lot out of you and the 2 week not driving can be a pain! Perhaps a compromise 2 days the dogs at home with hubby whilst you have a quiet room and then 2 days at petcare until you are well enough to drive the dog yourself but please remember take care of yourself

springhassprung20244 · 12/04/2024 18:51

Y

Doubledenim305 · 12/04/2024 18:43

Sounds like the dog is more important than husbands wishes. 🧐😬

GodZilah · 12/04/2024 18:42

MsFaversham · 11/04/2024 15:23

You won’t be safe to drive in 5 days surely?

I was back to normal 5 days after laproscopic gall bladder removal and gastric sleeve in same operation.

Toptops · 12/04/2024 18:39

YABU. You didn't discuss this with husband before booking 'doggy daycare' - huh!
Now he's come up with an alternative you don't like it.
Husband's preferences come before the dog's.
Gallbladder removal by laparoscopy isn't major abdominal surgery either.
Sounds like you are trying to guilt trip your poor husband by driving immediately after this procedure.

TBean23 · 12/04/2024 18:29

So you put your dogs "feelings" above your husband's? Then try to guilt him into taking it to daycare by driving it yourself when you're not fit to? Good for him by saying no. I'm sure your dog loves being with other dogs but it'll be fine to go without for a couple weeks while you heal.

And your husband did work for those 15 years. He took care of the house and YOUR children. If you were male and said that about your wife? I'm surprised more people didn't tear into you for that irrelevant comment.

bows101 · 12/04/2024 18:27

Dog is clearly above husband

AnnieSnap · 12/04/2024 18:16

Mrsttcno1 · 11/04/2024 15:20

I think you should really have discussed it with your husband before you booked it, 30 mins drive is an hour in the car a day so I would have checked with my husband that this was okay before I arranged it?

If your husband is happy to do the dog care & walking then it’s unnecessary anyway, and I say that as someone who also has a bouncy Labrador. As long as your husband is prepared to do the walks etc then he’s not unreasonable to not drive an hour a day for daycare.

I agree. Just a heads-up though. Doggy Daycare is 30 minutes drive away. So there and back for the husband is 2 hours driving.

Pheasantsmate · 12/04/2024 18:15

Noodles1234 · 12/04/2024 18:13

if your husband will take the dog for a couple of walks a day and he is home to care for the dog (and children I presume as they were not really mentioned), just do that and save money and fuss.

However can I commend you for being a considerate pet owner and actually thinking of their welfare (and them not left whining all day), ahead of your own, in that way I have to say yanbu.

The children weren’t mentioned as they are fully grown and so not impacting on the household in anyway

AnnieSnap · 12/04/2024 18:15

I voted you are being unreasonable on the basis that your husband would indeed be doing the 3 walks again and stopping the (well exercised) dog from jumping on you. Have you actually given him the chance to do that? It’s interesting that you added that he hasn’t worked for 15-years because he stays at home to raise the kids. Why is that relevant? I assume it was a choice you made together. Do you resent that? Are you implying he’s being lazy?

Noodles1234 · 12/04/2024 18:13

if your husband will take the dog for a couple of walks a day and he is home to care for the dog (and children I presume as they were not really mentioned), just do that and save money and fuss.

However can I commend you for being a considerate pet owner and actually thinking of their welfare (and them not left whining all day), ahead of your own, in that way I have to say yanbu.

mandlerparr · 12/04/2024 17:56

You said you have money. Just hire someone to take your dog to daycare. I get your hurt feelings, but you also know that this is a big fear for him. It is coming across as less him not caring about you and more you trying to get him to prove he cares. And I get it, especially if you have been carrying a big load and want to feel taken care of.
But, this is why you have money, right? Go on to whatever task rabbit app is in your area, hire someone to take the dog, and get your husband to bring you food and drinks and hugs and kisses.

Alicewinn · 12/04/2024 17:46

The commute to and from daycare is absolutely nuts. Either book the dog in for a full 5 days or just keep him at home. I wouldn't have done that either if I was your husband sorry.

TheDefiant · 12/04/2024 14:03

You mention being able to afford it. Book and pay for someone else to drive your dog to and from day care.

Problem solved.

Haydenn · 12/04/2024 13:57

ABirdsEyeView · 12/04/2024 13:47

But the h has said he will do those things while his wife is recovering. Now if he doesn't, then fair enough for OP to want the dog to go to daycare, but she hasn't actually given him the chance yet.

The husband also said he will take it to daycare, so I’m not sure how much I would believe him when he then says he will walk it!

ABirdsEyeView · 12/04/2024 13:47

But the h has said he will do those things while his wife is recovering. Now if he doesn't, then fair enough for OP to want the dog to go to daycare, but she hasn't actually given him the chance yet.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 12/04/2024 13:44

husband said ' He said he didn't mind having Fudge at home and would far rather that, and walk him several times, '

and the Op later said to us ' so our dog goes to daycare as a luxury - because he loves it - and I always drive him there and back when I'm well. I love the drive, he loves the play time - it all works. '

thus suggesting

  1. the dog is not usually at home all day during the Op's working day
  2. the Op takes the dog to doggycare most days if not every day
  3. the husband does not usually walk the dog
  4. the husband does not usually walk the dog several times
debbs77 · 12/04/2024 09:53

I had exactly the same surgery 3 weeks ago. The first two days I could barely move. After that I was gine and getting better by the day.

You've been a martyr over the dog. He offered to walk the dog etc multiple times a day. Unless he didn't end up doing that, then he was being perfectly reasonable to suggest it

ABirdsEyeView · 12/04/2024 09:45

I guess people are arguing over it because the OP brought it up - like it gives her more right to determine what her h should or shouldn't do with his time.

sandyhappypeople · 12/04/2024 09:43

Why is everyone arguing about the rights of wrongs of having a breadwinner and a partner who doesn’t work?

surely it’s whatever works best for your family and what you both are happy with, nothing else matters… no one here knows the pros and cons of this setup so it’s a totally moot point to argue over their specific setup.

Pheasantsmate · 12/04/2024 09:40

Nanny0gg · 12/04/2024 08:10

I love dogs

I would not agree to do all that driving so it could play with its 'friends'

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But my point was that he had agreed and was now going back on that promise. The question isn’t would you have agreed in the first place.

To me, if you offer to do something for your partner, you then do it unless there is a very good reason not to.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/04/2024 09:23

UndertheCedartree · 12/04/2024 06:47

Laparoscopic surgery decreases recovery time. However it doesn't change that it is still major surgery.

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I’ve had major surgery for a bowel condition and there was a huge difference between that and a laparoscopic cholecystectomy. I suppose it depends on what you compare it to. Neither is pleasant, but my recovery advice was very different for the bowel surgery - three months, as opposed to a week or two for the laparascopic procedure. I suppose it’s a personal view.