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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who's right and who's wrong out of me and my husband?

462 replies

SallyMcCarthy · 11/04/2024 15:14

I had major abdominal surgery 2 days ago (gall bladder removal, laparoscopic surgery), and I'm now recovering at home. Knowing I was going to be having the surgery, I booked my dog into Doggy Daycare for every day between now and 22 April. My dog, Fudge, absolutely adores going to daycare. It's a wonderful place and he loves romping around with the other dogs - it's his favourite thing to do. So, I thought: I'll book him in every day for four/five hours, so I'll be able to have a calm house to recover in, and he can be having fun at daycare. I assumed my husband would be willing to drive Fudge to and from the daycare facility. For context: my husband hates being 'stuck in the car'. He finds driving stressful, whereas I love it. Doggy Daycare is a 30 minute drive from our house. While I was in hospital, my husband messaged me and said, 'The traffic was really bad this morning when I was taking Fudge to daycare, so from tomorrow onwards, I'm not going to take him. I'll just look after him at home, it's fine -- I'll take him for walks two or three times a day.' Now, Fudge totally would be fine, but he'd also be a bit bored. His favourite fun is going to play with the other dogs. He has such a wonderful time. And I very much want to recover gently from my operation and ideally do some work too (I have a backlog waiting for me, once I have enough energy) and it would be so much harder for me if there were a bouncy bored dog in the house all day during this period. Another thing, for context, is that I am the sole breadwinner. I earn a lot of money, and my husband hasn't worked for about 15 years (he gave up his job to be at home with the kids because my job required constant travel in those days.)

So, I said to him, 'Listen, I really really want a quiet house so I can work, and for Fudge to go to daycare. Please, please will you drive him there and back while I recover? Just for maybe five days, and then I should be strong enough to drive him myself.' And my husband said no. He said he didn't mind having Fudge at home and would far rather that, and walk him several times, than take him to daycare with all the driving involved. And I just wanted Fudge to have the most fun possible, and for me to have the quiet time I craved too...so I ended up driving Fudge to and from daycare yesterday, the actual day after my abdominal surgery. And I drove him there again today, and will pick him up this afternoon - even though I feel tender and weak and barely recovered. Husband sees me doing this and still doesn't say, 'Look if it means that much to you, I'll drive him there and back.' Am I being unreasonable to think he should just have driven the dog to day care for the days I can't do it?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 11/04/2024 15:27

Yeah a discussion before booking g the dog in. I wouldn't be impressed driving for 2 hours each day to doggy daycare

SilverTotoro · 11/04/2024 15:26

Yanbu. Regardless of whether you could have discussed this beforehand I honestly cannot imagine letting someone I love struggle to drive after surgery when I could do it instead.

The fact that you financially support your husband when presumably the children are teenagers and he’d be capable of working just makes him sound even more selfish.

Mnetcurious · 11/04/2024 15:26

You want your husband to drive for an hour x2 each day just so that your dog can have fun?! Dog needs trumping human needs or what. Yabu.

Blueeyes13 · 11/04/2024 15:26

Laparoscopic gallbladder removal is not major abdominal surgery!!! Although, it is a bit painful afterwards. Why didn't you ask DH before you booked doggy day care? 30 minutes there and back twice a day is a lot, if unnecessary. Does the dog usually go to daycare? I seriously can't imagine booking our dog into daycare if my DH was happy to look after it whilst I recovered.

Alwaysalwayscold · 11/04/2024 15:25

YABU.

You shouldn't have booked the dog in under the assumption that he would do 2 hours of driving a day.

Bringing up finances is irrelevant. Do you always use that against him?

mynameiscalypso · 11/04/2024 15:24

Are there problems in your relationship more generally?

Wishimaywishimight · 11/04/2024 15:24

I'm sure Fudge will be fine at home, your DH doesn't want to drive 2 hours a day so the dog can see his friends and I don't blame him.

MsFaversham · 11/04/2024 15:23

You won’t be safe to drive in 5 days surely?

AmyDudley · 11/04/2024 15:22

Unless your dog is incredibly out of control and liable to constantly knock you over/punch you in the stomach, I can't see any reason why he cant be at home while you recover. Your DH is willing to walk him plenty and look after him, I can't see a problem.
You shouldn't have driven 2 days after surgery, even for simple laparoscopic surgery, that was foolish and seems like you were just trying to prove a point and make your DH feel guilty.

Mrsttcno1 · 11/04/2024 15:20

I think you should really have discussed it with your husband before you booked it, 30 mins drive is an hour in the car a day so I would have checked with my husband that this was okay before I arranged it?

If your husband is happy to do the dog care & walking then it’s unnecessary anyway, and I say that as someone who also has a bouncy Labrador. As long as your husband is prepared to do the walks etc then he’s not unreasonable to not drive an hour a day for daycare.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 11/04/2024 15:20

I need to see a picture of Fudge before I can decide.

JustTalkToThem · 11/04/2024 15:19

So your husband would be in the car for two hours every day? That’s way too much.

Stop being a martyr and driving when you’re in pain. If you’re that worried about your recovery, just stay in a room with a closed door and let your DH deal with dog however he sees fit.