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Original poster

Who's right and who's wrong out of me and my husband?

462 replies

SallyMcCarthy · 11/04/2024 15:14

I had major abdominal surgery 2 days ago (gall bladder removal, laparoscopic surgery), and I'm now recovering at home. Knowing I was going to be having the surgery, I booked my dog into Doggy Daycare for every day between now and 22 April. My dog, Fudge, absolutely adores going to daycare. It's a wonderful place and he loves romping around with the other dogs - it's his favourite thing to do. So, I thought: I'll book him in every day for four/five hours, so I'll be able to have a calm house to recover in, and he can be having fun at daycare. I assumed my husband would be willing to drive Fudge to and from the daycare facility. For context: my husband hates being 'stuck in the car'. He finds driving stressful, whereas I love it. Doggy Daycare is a 30 minute drive from our house. While I was in hospital, my husband messaged me and said, 'The traffic was really bad this morning when I was taking Fudge to daycare, so from tomorrow onwards, I'm not going to take him. I'll just look after him at home, it's fine -- I'll take him for walks two or three times a day.' Now, Fudge totally would be fine, but he'd also be a bit bored. His favourite fun is going to play with the other dogs. He has such a wonderful time. And I very much want to recover gently from my operation and ideally do some work too (I have a backlog waiting for me, once I have enough energy) and it would be so much harder for me if there were a bouncy bored dog in the house all day during this period. Another thing, for context, is that I am the sole breadwinner. I earn a lot of money, and my husband hasn't worked for about 15 years (he gave up his job to be at home with the kids because my job required constant travel in those days.)

So, I said to him, 'Listen, I really really want a quiet house so I can work, and for Fudge to go to daycare. Please, please will you drive him there and back while I recover? Just for maybe five days, and then I should be strong enough to drive him myself.' And my husband said no. He said he didn't mind having Fudge at home and would far rather that, and walk him several times, than take him to daycare with all the driving involved. And I just wanted Fudge to have the most fun possible, and for me to have the quiet time I craved too...so I ended up driving Fudge to and from daycare yesterday, the actual day after my abdominal surgery. And I drove him there again today, and will pick him up this afternoon - even though I feel tender and weak and barely recovered. Husband sees me doing this and still doesn't say, 'Look if it means that much to you, I'll drive him there and back.' Am I being unreasonable to think he should just have driven the dog to day care for the days I can't do it?

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 11/04/2024 15:37

I don't disagree with most of the comments but I will say that my recovery and pain levels were worse after having my gallbladder removed via keyhole surgery than after having a c section

PeloMom · 11/04/2024 15:37

You were unreasonable to just assume he’d do it and book it without at least getting his agreement.

shenandoahvalley · 11/04/2024 15:36

Firstly, you haven't had major surgery. It was laparoscopic.

Secondly, you can't make assumptions that another adult will do something for you, ever.

Thirdly, you know your DH doesn't enjoy driving and yet you still assumed he'd sit in the car for 2 hours per day (with only 4-5 hours between each drive) in addition to everything else he does everyday, in addition to you being out of action for a while.

Fourthly, you've put your dog's "fun" ahead of your actual human DH's dislike of driving 2 hours per day.

I could go on. You are so unreasonable on so many levels (including driving the day after surgery - idiotic, and incidentally 'proof' your surgery wasn't major), it's incredible you even have to ask.

Kelly51 · 11/04/2024 15:35

I thought it was going to be you alone with dog, if he's home leave the dog at home.
Tbf it's a fairly quick recovery this op.

Luxell934 · 11/04/2024 15:35

Your husband doesn’t like driving though and it’s quite far away just to take the dog to doggy daycare when you say the dog would be fine at home, just a-bit bored.

Driving the dog there yourself was just stupid the day after your surgery.

SpringOfContentment · 11/04/2024 15:35

Please,please stop driving.
You are almost certainly uninsured.

And seriously consider taking some time off to heal rather than work.

Talk to your husband, but I wouldn't be impressed if DH organized for me to spend 2 hours a day driving. Is there a compromise of every other day?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 11/04/2024 15:34

@SallyMcCarthy you are not actually meant to drive for 10 days!!! your insurance will be invalid if you have an accident. your hubby sounds like a bit of a moaning minny to me though. he doesnt want to really do anything to help you!

gamerchick · 11/04/2024 15:34

You're driving a car after having your gallbladder out? Stop it, it's dangerous when you can't do an emergency stop. There's no way I could have done that after mine. It isn't major surgery though. If you have an accident and it's found you've been driving when you shouldn't, it won't reflect well on you.

You should have asked him. Set the bedroom up so you can have the peace you need and leave the dog downstairs with your husband

Husband obviously doesn't give a shit that you're driving dangerously so I would.be addressing that when better. Time to go back to work maybe.

BodyKeepingScore · 11/04/2024 15:34

YABU - you've just decided unilaterally that your OH should spend 2 hours each day in the car so you can "recover" - I had the same surgery recently and it never entered my head that my dog would need to be elsewhere. You OH offered to keep the dog out of your way, there's no reason why he should agree to 2 hours of travel each day for something that isn't actually necessary for your recovery?

Geppili · 11/04/2024 15:34

Picture of Fudge or it didn't happen.

Watchthedoormat · 11/04/2024 15:33

I'm presuming your DH has equal rights over Fudge.
He is happy to look after him and take him out etc ( generally keep him out your way).

I don't think he should be expected to drive him there and back every day as you wish. The poor guy obviously doesn't like driving and 30 minutes isn't really around the corner.

huuskymam · 11/04/2024 15:33

Yabu for not discussing it with your dh before booking. You could have reached an agreement where he'd drive for 2/3 days and then fudge stays home for the rest of the week. I'd be pissed if my dh just decided I would be driving 2 hours a day (no matter what the reason) without discussion because I'm a sahp.

Greyat · 11/04/2024 15:32

Husband is right. What a performance.

dizzydizzydizzy · 11/04/2024 15:32

Yabu, sorry. Just because you earn the money doesn't mean you can decide your DH spends 2 hours a day in the car, especially as you already know he doesn't like driving.

As an aside, I don't like driving and I din't particularly like dogs either but I'd much rather spend those 2 hours walking Fudge than driving.

SamTG · 11/04/2024 15:31

Is this for real? Surely your car insurance is invalid as you’ve just had surgery?!
I’ve had the same operation and driving right after that is irresponsible at best.
Putting other road users at risk, for the sake of a dog?

ZipZapZoom · 11/04/2024 15:30

Yabu. You can't just make plans for someone and expect them to do as they are told. You also seem to care more about the dogs feelings than your own husbands which is quite worrying.

Mindymomo · 11/04/2024 15:30

A friend of mine drove and came to work the day after gall bladder removal, I couldn’t believe it, but he said he was fine, so long as he sat down. Could you drop the dog off and your DH collects

thistimelastweek · 11/04/2024 15:30

Team husband here.

Geebray · 11/04/2024 15:29

And now you're playing the martyr? And driving while you're unfit to drive? All for the precious wecious doggy?

Honestly, I feel for your husband.

DaisyChain505 · 11/04/2024 15:28

Pure lack of communication. You should have talked about the set up for your recovery before you had the operation.

You would have been made aware that your husband didn’t want you o do the drive every day and he would have been made aware that you wanted the dog to be out of the house every day. Then you could have met in the middle.

Sirzy · 11/04/2024 15:28

You can’t just decide to make someone who doesn’t like driving drive two hours a day without discussion!

CurlewKate · 11/04/2024 15:27

What will he be doing with the time otherwise?

Maybeicanhelpyou · 11/04/2024 15:27

I also think you’re being a bit unreasonable! Sorry.
Tell your hubby to take the dog for a longer walk and stop off for a coffee if you really want that much peace. You can’t make him drive two hours a day, it really isn’t necessary

Geebray · 11/04/2024 15:27

You decided that your DH could drive for two hours every day of your recovery, without discussing it with hin???!!!

Also, wtf, who goes to doggy daycare half an hour away?!

Lifestooshort71 · 11/04/2024 15:27

You've told your husband what he's going to do and he's said, no, but I will keep the dog out of your way. You say your dog will be unhappy but it doesn't seem to bother you that your husband is unhappy driving the dog to and fro each day. One day he might get fed up being at the bottom of the heap and refuse to sit on command. Let it all go and try and relax.