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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who's right and who's wrong out of me and my husband?

462 replies

SallyMcCarthy · 11/04/2024 15:14

I had major abdominal surgery 2 days ago (gall bladder removal, laparoscopic surgery), and I'm now recovering at home. Knowing I was going to be having the surgery, I booked my dog into Doggy Daycare for every day between now and 22 April. My dog, Fudge, absolutely adores going to daycare. It's a wonderful place and he loves romping around with the other dogs - it's his favourite thing to do. So, I thought: I'll book him in every day for four/five hours, so I'll be able to have a calm house to recover in, and he can be having fun at daycare. I assumed my husband would be willing to drive Fudge to and from the daycare facility. For context: my husband hates being 'stuck in the car'. He finds driving stressful, whereas I love it. Doggy Daycare is a 30 minute drive from our house. While I was in hospital, my husband messaged me and said, 'The traffic was really bad this morning when I was taking Fudge to daycare, so from tomorrow onwards, I'm not going to take him. I'll just look after him at home, it's fine -- I'll take him for walks two or three times a day.' Now, Fudge totally would be fine, but he'd also be a bit bored. His favourite fun is going to play with the other dogs. He has such a wonderful time. And I very much want to recover gently from my operation and ideally do some work too (I have a backlog waiting for me, once I have enough energy) and it would be so much harder for me if there were a bouncy bored dog in the house all day during this period. Another thing, for context, is that I am the sole breadwinner. I earn a lot of money, and my husband hasn't worked for about 15 years (he gave up his job to be at home with the kids because my job required constant travel in those days.)

So, I said to him, 'Listen, I really really want a quiet house so I can work, and for Fudge to go to daycare. Please, please will you drive him there and back while I recover? Just for maybe five days, and then I should be strong enough to drive him myself.' And my husband said no. He said he didn't mind having Fudge at home and would far rather that, and walk him several times, than take him to daycare with all the driving involved. And I just wanted Fudge to have the most fun possible, and for me to have the quiet time I craved too...so I ended up driving Fudge to and from daycare yesterday, the actual day after my abdominal surgery. And I drove him there again today, and will pick him up this afternoon - even though I feel tender and weak and barely recovered. Husband sees me doing this and still doesn't say, 'Look if it means that much to you, I'll drive him there and back.' Am I being unreasonable to think he should just have driven the dog to day care for the days I can't do it?

OP posts:
NotTerfNorCis · 11/04/2024 16:12

My sympathies were with him as I also find driving stressful, but then you said he doesn't work and you earn the money. He needs to step up.

BobbyBiscuits · 11/04/2024 16:12

@Rickrolypoly yeah, I'm great thanks. You?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 11/04/2024 16:12

Stop driving !

otherwise you will be in having a hernia operation next !!!

do your husband not usually walk the dog several times daily if you are the worker ?

LemonySnickets · 11/04/2024 16:10

YABU. Think I'd have put the dog into kennels for a week rather than expect husband to do all that driving.

And stop driving. You're not insured.

smellslikecinnamon · 11/04/2024 16:09

Op why doesn't your dh get a job now the dc have grown?

BobbyBiscuits · 11/04/2024 16:09

@CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson yes I would if he wouldn't take the damn thing and I'm the only person with money.
'Are you on drugs?' Lol.

Mrsttcno1 · 11/04/2024 16:09

smellslikecinnamon · 11/04/2024 16:08

But it's ok for the OP to be? The day after surgery? So she can work at home in peace being the breadwinner?

Literally nobody is making OP do this drive, there’s no need for it at all when her husband has literally said he will take care of, walk and look after the dog from home.

smellslikecinnamon · 11/04/2024 16:08

JustTalkToThem · 11/04/2024 15:19

So your husband would be in the car for two hours every day? That’s way too much.

Stop being a martyr and driving when you’re in pain. If you’re that worried about your recovery, just stay in a room with a closed door and let your DH deal with dog however he sees fit.

Edited

But it's ok for the OP to be? The day after surgery? So she can work at home in peace being the breadwinner?

GreenBanana445 · 11/04/2024 16:06

2 hours driving a day?! Hell no I’d much rather walk the dog for 2 hours a day. You’re overreacting I’m afraid

Coconutter24 · 11/04/2024 16:06

You wrongly assumed DH would be ok with driving 2 hours a day to take the dog doggy daycare so YABU. YABU also for driving a day after surgery whilst you’re still in pain. YABU for not letting your DH just look after the dog at home and take it out for several walks a day.

I know you probably wanted the outcome of this thread to be your DH is unreasonable but I think based on most of the replies you got it’s quite obvious who the unreasonable one is.

DelphiniumBlue · 11/04/2024 16:06

Please don't drive at this point in your recovery.
DH had the same surgery and ended up with a hernia on the wound site which necessitated years of pain and further surgery to sort out. It's probably too late but don't do it to yourself. There is between a 2-5% chance of a hernia occurring, which we thought was negligible. If you lift anything or strain yourself then the risk is obviously higher. Please be careful.

JMSA · 11/04/2024 16:03

Sorry, but I think you're being a bit silly about all of this.
Wishing you the very best with your recovery though! Flowers

Jf20 · 11/04/2024 16:00

MILTOBE · 11/04/2024 15:45

Oh come off it. He'd be driving two hours a day if he drove to work.

Would you say that if it was a woman who stayed home to look after the kids? Nope thought not.

Coconutter24 · 11/04/2024 16:00

BobbyBiscuits · 11/04/2024 15:52

Could you get a 'dogsitter/walker' who could simply take the dog there and back. And potentially take them if daycare was shut?
It does seem quite far to drive. But the fact you are the breadwinner (has he got disabilities and the relevant benefits if unable to work?) if not it means you should take the dog's extra costs out of his 'pocket money'.

Edited

Why should she take money away from her DH because he doesn’t want to drive 2 hours a day to take the dog to doggy daycare? He isn’t even the one wanting the dog to go!!

Rainbowshit · 11/04/2024 15:59

YABU absolutely ridiculous to expect your DH to drive 2hrs a day without asking him first.

Rickrolypoly · 11/04/2024 15:59

BobbyBiscuits · 11/04/2024 15:52

Could you get a 'dogsitter/walker' who could simply take the dog there and back. And potentially take them if daycare was shut?
It does seem quite far to drive. But the fact you are the breadwinner (has he got disabilities and the relevant benefits if unable to work?) if not it means you should take the dog's extra costs out of his 'pocket money'.

Edited

Are you alright?

TayIor · 11/04/2024 15:59

You are being ridiculous

CarrieCardigan · 11/04/2024 15:58

What a load of old bollocks! Honestly!

Maybeicanhelpyou · 11/04/2024 15:58

@mynameiscalypso , anyway, hopefully you’re well recovered now. Even if it was a little slower than the OP!

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 11/04/2024 15:57

BobbyBiscuits · 11/04/2024 15:52

Could you get a 'dogsitter/walker' who could simply take the dog there and back. And potentially take them if daycare was shut?
It does seem quite far to drive. But the fact you are the breadwinner (has he got disabilities and the relevant benefits if unable to work?) if not it means you should take the dog's extra costs out of his 'pocket money'.

Edited

Are you being serious? You'd take money from his "pocket money" to pay for someone else to drive the dog to daycare? When he can actually walk the dog himself? Are you on drugs???

Now admittedly I'm presuming her dh isn't a cocklodger, but in the scenario where one adult works and their partner doesn't it's NOT pocket money it's all family money. And I say that as the main breadwinner

And taking about docking pocket money from your equal partner is financial abuse

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/04/2024 15:57

No way would I be happy with someone assuming I'd do two hours of driving every day, when I'd offered a perfectly sensible alternative solution! So I think yabu. Driving absolutely knackers me.

Toomuchgoingon79 · 11/04/2024 15:56

FFS this can't be real. If it is let your dh look after the dog all day and stay in bed. Not difficult

NadiyahZ · 11/04/2024 15:54

This cannot be real…. It’s a dog. Give it a bone and let your husband take it out for a walk, it’ll be fine.

It seems that since Covid everyone has forgotten that a dog is a dog with its own animal instincts and does not need to be treated like a 2 year old human.

You’re all in at home, nobody should be driving 2 hours a day so that a dog can ‘visit his friends.’ At this point it seems that ‘Fudge’ is a bigger priority than your very real, very human, husband.

Give your head a wobble.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 11/04/2024 15:53

YABU to drive with invalidated insurance so soon after abdominal surgery. Incredibly unreasonable.

I've had a series of laproscopic abdominal surgeries recently, and was very clearly told I could not drive for a few weeks after each one, until I was no longer in pain and could do an emergency stop.

What painkillers are you on ffs? I was on oramorph and then Coedine, I absolutely wouldn't have been safe to drive while on those even if it didn't hurt like hell every time the car went over a pebble.

You're also unreasonable to decide your DH is going to do something every day without discussing it with him and him agreeing. Why ever did you not talk to him before booking everything?!

I'm sure Fudge will be fine with lots of walks. Does he go to daycare every day normally when you're at work, or does DH look after him?

Hottoffeesauce · 11/04/2024 15:53

Yeah, this isn't about the doggy day care - it's about the troubles in your relationship with your husband. You have problems that you aren't sorting out and they are manifesting themselves in your day to day life.

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