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Original poster

Who's right and who's wrong out of me and my husband?

462 replies

SallyMcCarthy · 11/04/2024 15:14

I had major abdominal surgery 2 days ago (gall bladder removal, laparoscopic surgery), and I'm now recovering at home. Knowing I was going to be having the surgery, I booked my dog into Doggy Daycare for every day between now and 22 April. My dog, Fudge, absolutely adores going to daycare. It's a wonderful place and he loves romping around with the other dogs - it's his favourite thing to do. So, I thought: I'll book him in every day for four/five hours, so I'll be able to have a calm house to recover in, and he can be having fun at daycare. I assumed my husband would be willing to drive Fudge to and from the daycare facility. For context: my husband hates being 'stuck in the car'. He finds driving stressful, whereas I love it. Doggy Daycare is a 30 minute drive from our house. While I was in hospital, my husband messaged me and said, 'The traffic was really bad this morning when I was taking Fudge to daycare, so from tomorrow onwards, I'm not going to take him. I'll just look after him at home, it's fine -- I'll take him for walks two or three times a day.' Now, Fudge totally would be fine, but he'd also be a bit bored. His favourite fun is going to play with the other dogs. He has such a wonderful time. And I very much want to recover gently from my operation and ideally do some work too (I have a backlog waiting for me, once I have enough energy) and it would be so much harder for me if there were a bouncy bored dog in the house all day during this period. Another thing, for context, is that I am the sole breadwinner. I earn a lot of money, and my husband hasn't worked for about 15 years (he gave up his job to be at home with the kids because my job required constant travel in those days.)

So, I said to him, 'Listen, I really really want a quiet house so I can work, and for Fudge to go to daycare. Please, please will you drive him there and back while I recover? Just for maybe five days, and then I should be strong enough to drive him myself.' And my husband said no. He said he didn't mind having Fudge at home and would far rather that, and walk him several times, than take him to daycare with all the driving involved. And I just wanted Fudge to have the most fun possible, and for me to have the quiet time I craved too...so I ended up driving Fudge to and from daycare yesterday, the actual day after my abdominal surgery. And I drove him there again today, and will pick him up this afternoon - even though I feel tender and weak and barely recovered. Husband sees me doing this and still doesn't say, 'Look if it means that much to you, I'll drive him there and back.' Am I being unreasonable to think he should just have driven the dog to day care for the days I can't do it?

OP posts:
Whatwouldnanado · 11/04/2024 16:42

Team husband. He wants to be around to look out for you and see to the dog.

Mrsttcno1 · 11/04/2024 16:42

Haydenn · 11/04/2024 16:37

My post to a SAHM last week who was complaining her husband wanted her to go back to work. I think you’ll find I’m fairly consistent. I believe being a stay at home parent only works if both are onboard with the choice and the one staying at home does what they can to facilitate the work of the one bringing in the money. I might be harsh, but search my username I am by no means a hypocrite.

OP has said what she needs to work effectively whilst recovering from surgery and he isn’t prepared to do it for a week!

Show quote history

No, re-read the OP. The OP is making demands on what she wants, based on what she thinks the dog wants.

All OP NEEDS is for the dog to be taken care of so she can get on with recovery and work. Her husband has said he will take care of the dog and walk the dog 2-3 times a day. OP says herself “now Fudge would be totally fine” with this.

Absolutely the dog needs taken care of, and husband has said he will do that. The dog does NOT need to be at daycare, and the husband does not need to be driving him there and back just based off of these demands.

Rickrolypoly · 11/04/2024 16:40

Haydenn · 11/04/2024 16:37

My post to a SAHM last week who was complaining her husband wanted her to go back to work. I think you’ll find I’m fairly consistent. I believe being a stay at home parent only works if both are onboard with the choice and the one staying at home does what they can to facilitate the work of the one bringing in the money. I might be harsh, but search my username I am by no means a hypocrite.

OP has said what she needs to work effectively whilst recovering from surgery and he isn’t prepared to do it for a week!

Show quote history

You are offering an opinion when you don't know the facts though tbf. You don't know their family set up, anything about the kids and whether they as a couple want/need/expect him to work. The OP has not mentioned that the husband being a SAHP is an issue.

Original poster
SallyMcCarthy · 11/04/2024 16:39

Thanks everyone - I'm the OP and this is super-useful! Bit of context I failed to supply before:

  1. Husband did initially agree to do it for 4/5 days, then suddenly changed mind when I was in hospital and he encountered one traffic jam.
  2. We are very well off as a result of my work, so our dog goes to daycare as a luxury - because he loves it - and I always drive him there and back when I'm well. I love the drive, he loves the play time - it all works.
  3. I do think that because my husband has been able to be rich and completely free with his time since the kids turned into adults 6 or so years ago, that he could stick to his promise to do just four days of dog drop offs, which he agreed to before I went into hospital, even though he doesn't enjoy driving.
  4. I also agree I'd be unreasonable to make him do the drive when he's said he'll happily look after the dog at home. I haven't done this. I've said, 'Fine, I'll do it.' But I'm feeling resentful and let down - so it's more that I want to know if my secret feelings are unreasonable! Anyway super useful and keep it coming! Thank you.
OP posts:
Haydenn · 11/04/2024 16:37

Mrsttcno1 · 11/04/2024 16:28

100% this!!

Funny all the women here slating a man for not working yet they are the same people on the SAHM threads preaching about how you don’t have to have a job to be adding value to the family/house and how it should all be family money. The hypocrisy is unreal

Show quote history

My post to a SAHM last week who was complaining her husband wanted her to go back to work. I think you’ll find I’m fairly consistent. I believe being a stay at home parent only works if both are onboard with the choice and the one staying at home does what they can to facilitate the work of the one bringing in the money. I might be harsh, but search my username I am by no means a hypocrite.

OP has said what she needs to work effectively whilst recovering from surgery and he isn’t prepared to do it for a week!

Who's right and who's wrong out of me and my husband?
ABirdsEyeView · 11/04/2024 16:37

CurlewKate · 11/04/2024 15:27

What will he be doing with the time otherwise?

It really doesn't matter! His time doesn't belong to the OP to direct. He's not staff!

Mnetcurious · 11/04/2024 16:36

MILTOBE · 11/04/2024 15:46

No, so that she can rest.

Show quote history

She literally said so her dog can have fun! (and that husband would keep the dog out of the way if she wanted).

ABirdsEyeView · 11/04/2024 16:35

You bringing up the fact that you are the breadwinner and he was a sahd, smacks of you thinking he owes it to you to do errands that you signed up to! Looking after the dc has enabled you to do a full on job, safe in the knowledge your kids were looked after. You weren't doing him a favour, which is how your post comes across!

You ought to have asked him before making arrangements which involve him driving for 2 hours every day.
The only way you would be reasonable is if your husband didn't look after the dog. But he hasn't had the opportunity to because you went full on martyr and drove anyway. Your dh has called your bluff.

I'm sure Fisher can survive without doggy day care and his little buddies Grin - he's a dog, not a child.

swixteen · 11/04/2024 16:35

I'm just imagining poor Fudge tilting his head in confusion at the faff

Haydenn · 11/04/2024 16:31

DoreenonTill8 · 11/04/2024 16:22

Expect to see you on all the sahm posts, telling them to "get a fucking job"?

Show quote history

I quite often do, particularly if they say that their husband no longer wants them to be a SAHP. Being a SAHM only works if it is both parties choice and the one not working does what they can to facilitate the one earning. She has said what she needs in order to work effectively when recovering from surgery and he isn’t prepared to do it for a week.

Mrsttcno1 · 11/04/2024 16:28

DoreenonTill8 · 11/04/2024 16:22

Expect to see you on all the sahm posts, telling them to "get a fucking job"?

Show quote history

100% this!!

Funny all the women here slating a man for not working yet they are the same people on the SAHM threads preaching about how you don’t have to have a job to be adding value to the family/house and how it should all be family money. The hypocrisy is unreal

HappiestSleeping · 11/04/2024 16:28

Mrsttcno1 · 11/04/2024 15:20

I think you should really have discussed it with your husband before you booked it, 30 mins drive is an hour in the car a day so I would have checked with my husband that this was okay before I arranged it?

If your husband is happy to do the dog care & walking then it’s unnecessary anyway, and I say that as someone who also has a bouncy Labrador. As long as your husband is prepared to do the walks etc then he’s not unreasonable to not drive an hour a day for daycare.

This 👆

What did your husband say when you told him your plan to book Fudge into day care and that he would be required to do pick up and drop off?

If he agreed and is now reneging on that deal, then he is being unreasonable. If he didn't agree and you made the decision that he should drive, knowing he doesn't like to drive, then you are being unreasonable.

Rickrolypoly · 11/04/2024 16:24

WoodBurningStov · 11/04/2024 16:19

I think regardless if I think fudge should or shouldn't be at daycare, your dh is a lazy bastard. You've not mentioned kids so presume there isn't any, if he can't manage two hours for 5 days to help you out to recover and work. Especially if he's not working himself

Read the OP, ya lazy bastard

DoreenonTill8 · 11/04/2024 16:22

Haydenn · 11/04/2024 16:14

I’m team your husband should get a fucking job. Yes you should speak with someone before signing them up for a commitment of driving 2 hours a day, but what the hell else would he be doing. For 15 years you have supported him- he can do you a bloody favour and take your dog to daycare for a week…or he can start paying his way like a grownup-presumably the kids don’t need a stay at home parent any more

Expect to see you on all the sahm posts, telling them to "get a fucking job"?

TheIceQween · 11/04/2024 16:21

When you ‘Assume’ you make an ‘
Ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me’

shenandoahvalley · 11/04/2024 16:20

Haydenn · 11/04/2024 16:14

I’m team your husband should get a fucking job. Yes you should speak with someone before signing them up for a commitment of driving 2 hours a day, but what the hell else would he be doing. For 15 years you have supported him- he can do you a bloody favour and take your dog to daycare for a week…or he can start paying his way like a grownup-presumably the kids don’t need a stay at home parent any more

Erm, why should he get a job? What if OP only earns a living and the DH does everything else? What the hell else would he be doing? Maybe, like, looking after the OP and the children and running the house and living his life? She hasn't supported him any more than he has supported her by doing her share of non-earning life, has he?

What utter tosh people spout on this website some days. And yes, I'm a SAHM myself. I gave up my "fucking job" to raise his kids, keep his home, enable his career, make time for his hobbies, help care for his parents. If he told me to go out and "get a fucking job" I'd be telling him where to stick his fucking paycheck.

WoodBurningStov · 11/04/2024 16:19

I think regardless if I think fudge should or shouldn't be at daycare, your dh is a lazy bastard. You've not mentioned kids so presume there isn't any, if he can't manage two hours for 5 days to help you out to recover and work. Especially if he's not working himself

VickyEadieofThigh · 11/04/2024 16:18

Put him in full time boarding for a week, then.

PutOnYourRedShoesAndLetsDance · 11/04/2024 16:17

@Blueeyes13

It can be classed as major surgery.
I had the same.. but had complications and was rushed back in.
But the OP should not be driving...

usernother · 11/04/2024 16:16

You booked the dog into a dog nursery knowing your husband who hates driving would have to drive 2 hours a day. If you want the dog to go, you get him there, or you send him in a taxi. Your choice.
But I think it's ridiculous booking a dog into somewhere when you're at home because you don't want him to be bored or disturb you. I think you may need to train the dog better.

Trickedbyadoughnut · 11/04/2024 16:16

Hope you have a very swift recovery, OP Flowers

I do think you were unreasonable to unilaterally commit your H to two hours of driving a day without discussing it first. I am the main breadwinner, DH has intermittent work, but I wouldn't dispose of his time without asking, that's not on.

Maybe there are more things going on, but on what you've said in your post, I think you are being unreasonable.

Rickrolypoly · 11/04/2024 16:15

BobbyBiscuits · 11/04/2024 16:09

@CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson yes I would if he wouldn't take the damn thing and I'm the only person with money.
'Are you on drugs?' Lol.

Then that makes you financially abusive and a really nasty person.

The double standards some women display is disgusting.

This OPs husband does not work (according to the OP) to facilitate the care of their children as the OP's work involves a lot of travel. I am sure that if the roles were reversed on this one you would not be demanding that the husband deducts "pocket money" from the wife as punishment.

BlondeFool · 11/04/2024 16:15

2 hours driving a day. I'd rather walk the dog for 2 hours!!

DoreenonTill8 · 11/04/2024 16:15

Mnetcurious · 11/04/2024 15:26

You want your husband to drive for an hour x2 each day just so that your dog can have fun?! Dog needs trumping human needs or what. Yabu.

Edited

This,am assuming he doesn't work then or is on hols?

Haydenn · 11/04/2024 16:14

I’m team your husband should get a fucking job. Yes you should speak with someone before signing them up for a commitment of driving 2 hours a day, but what the hell else would he be doing. For 15 years you have supported him- he can do you a bloody favour and take your dog to daycare for a week…or he can start paying his way like a grownup-presumably the kids don’t need a stay at home parent any more

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