AIBU to expect a three-day stay with a friend to include some activities?

So draining. I wouldn't visit again. I'd keep it as a text / telephone friendship.

She seems very odd to my mind. If you were going for the day, or even overnight, it’s perfectly reasonable just to stay in her house. But on a longer visit, I’d have thought it was “the done thing” to suggest a trip out somewhere where she could show you something of the local area (especially if it’s somewhere you don’t know well). And if you’ve actually suggested something reasonable and nearby that you’d like to do/see, it’s rather unwelcoming of her to say she doesn’t want to do that. You’re still “visiting her” if you’re going to a National Trust house; you’d just be chatting over a cup of tea in the cafe rather than in her house. And it sort of cements a friendship because you then have a shared experience of her local area and you might chat about that in future.

Given that lukewarm response, I wouldn't go, whatever her next reply is. I probably wouldn't have anyway, given the last experience, but that would sway it to a definite no.

It's so selfish to host a friend and not only have no trips out whatsoever, but also not let them out on their own. Let alone the chores on top of it all.

I would have gone out by myself. No way would I have spent my holiday cleaning someone else's house who is able bodied.

Have her to stay with you and get her to clean your cupboards. That’s a joke and not a holiday or restful.

why can’t you tell her straight? I am spending £70 on petrol each time I visit and I’m coming and doing DIY that’s not a break for me.

if I come again we need to go out and do stuff eg National trust else I get cabin fever and it spoils the entire trip

@Chickin

I'd say it was unrealistic expectations of me, and inflexibility.

Then getting upset when I deviated from the plan she had in her mind.

She wasn't trying to be unkind and was very generous in some ways, but couldn't see me as an independent person with feelings and boundaries.

For example, she had very specific interests in music, books etc and "recommended" I read them.

Obviously this is ok for a while, or for one or two things. And I liked reading.

But then her expectation was I spent loads of time reading a six-book fantasy series and was upset I didn't commit to doing this (or even tried to argue me out of wanting to read or do something else).

She wanted to talk about these books, so why couldn't I just read them? I was "wrong" to simply want something else and had to justify my choices.

She'd enjoyed them, and it was like I wasn't a separate person.

And it was very one-sided as if I wanted to watch a (say) thriller movie over one she wanted she'd just negate that suggestion.

Same with food, drink, etc. It upset me as I could see she was often capable of compromise in a group (with bossier people!) but 1-1 with me she didn't feel the need.

(Realistically the only person you can expect to prioritise your tastes is yourself, your partner or immediate family..and even so not necessarily!

If I want to do exactly what I want to all weekend as I'm quite rigid myself...I know I need to stay solo and any company is a bonus).

It was ok when we lived in the same town and could quickly and spontaneously catch up after work but for longer visits it just got exhausting...

Unfortunately it's not very easy (or indeed appropriate) for others to try to manage this in an adult friendship.

Ok in a group but 1-1 it was too intense and hard to manage, along with the stresses of normal life.

I felt like I was having to jolly her along most of the time and she regularly would come up with "as your friend" style statements about how I "should" be behaving.

Which isn't what a friendship should be (she had stable supportive parents and a good job and home so it wasn't like she was in a vulnerable position).

Maybe I should have explained to her more, but I was fairly young and not really in a good position to do so

(And she'd have some "logical" argument ready to use on me).

I have a young relative where autism has been formally diagnosed, and a lot of effort teaching her spending time with other people doesn't mean getting her way 100% of the time, she needs to give them some space and respect their feelings and choices.

Obviously it's not great if people are lonely due to rigid behaviour... but some compromise does have to be made.

Especially if there's a big ask like expecting people to travel down solo for 3 days.

(I'd say if you know you're rigid and are self-aware, you're probably fine though 🙂)

I agree that it's rude to use friends as free labour, but my understanding of the OP wasn't that the host expected her to do chores, but rather that the OP herself decided to help out of boredom. If her host told her to work around the house then I'd definitely stand corrected!

I've had a lot of great weekend visits at friends' and from friends over the years that consisted of us just hanging around the house, playing board games, drinking (erm, maybe a bit too much, haha), cooking together, deep conversation, telling life stories and so on, so I'm not opposed to the concept, I actually tend to enjoy this type of social encounter a lot more than being out and about in town. But it may not be everyone's cup of tea and people have different friendship styles.

I don't stay at other people's homes when I go and visit them, I need my space and time on my own. A hotel/air bnb like others have suggested.

But yes if I was staying somewhere 3 nights I'd want something planned. And I'd probably expect a day to be exploring on my own

I couldn’t be bothered with that. I wouldn’t go 🫣

YANBU I’m a home body but wouldn’t clean someone’s cupboards.
@Bluere how was your friend very rigid, I’m worried I can be like that

I think this has highlighted the difference between those friends who are good company for a day or an evening, but not for 72 hours at a time

It certainly sounds that way. I definitely know people I can happily have a nice lunch with, but who I would definitely not choose to spend a whole weekend with.

I do think your friend is being extremely odd, though. My mum and her best friend live a long way apart and I know that they can easily spend a week together just doing normal stuff and their conversation doesn't run out. They both like gardening and will happily help each other out with that, or one of them will be perfectly fine to read or do the crossword or chat while the other is doing housework etc, or one will offer to help and that's all good. They're just very at ease in each other's company. But even so - when they stay each other's houses they do also go out to do things! Even if it's just things like a pub lunch or a visit to a garden centre with a nice cafe or a browse round the shops. And if one of them wanted to pop off and do something on their own, the other one would be perfectly fine with that.

Oh how boring. Especially when you suggested places to visit. I wouldn’t visit again unless days out were a guarantee.

I can see why you'd say it in this case, but if someone was coming to stay with me and said they were basically going to use me as a base to visit other places - 'do you fancy coming along?' - I'd find that a bit rude. If you go again. I think you'd be better to directly say 'can we go out somewhere?'

I wouldn't fancy going again to do nothing for three days except housework and her choice of TV. I go away and stay with friends fairly regularly and have never encountered someone not wanting to go anywhere. Won't she even go for a walk or anything?
I might go for one night, for the sake of catching up, but not three. (And you've said petrol cost you £70, so wouldn't be sure about that either).

I don't quite agree. I think it is very rude to expect friends to do things like sort through cupboards, do house organising, etc, unless that has specifically been arranged. It is treating your friends as free labour and I would be unimpressed with any friend of mine who tried that with me (unless, as I say, they had specifically requested my help as a favour and I had said yes in advance)

It seems you have a very different hosting style. But she shouldn't try and guilt trip you into not going to a few places alone if she's not up for it.
My mum has guests and they basically stay indoors or go to a meal very locally. Any activities the friend does they just go off and do. Mum finds hosting quite tiring, you kind of have to be on high alert, clean the house, supply food etc.. so has little energy to go out on top of that.
Can you stay for a shorter time?

That does kind of again remind me of my (possibly autistic) ex-friend....

In a group she was better as she had to go along to get along with more people (some who are bossy) and I think that's essentially what she'll does now (not in the deep country so she joins Women's Institute meets etc).

Plus for work, again there's a hierarchy so I think she functioned well there.

But in any 1-1 interaction she tended to get very rigid/difficult/controlling and it was very hard to get her to see my point of view.

She would argue as if she thought it was "logical" that I went along with what she said and just try to override me.

If I was spending time with her, it was Ok for her to spend time solo, suit herself....but I wasn't "allowed" to go off by myself for a coffee or a breather.

Sure people have different preferences but she just couldn't acknowledge one small thing that went against her idea of how she wanted the occasion to go (she only liked certain things to watch on TV, certain kinds of food etc).

Then, of course, she would think she'd had a lovely time but it was basically me just working around her.

(If I said I wasn't enjoying myself she'd get upset and argue I was being wrong!)

I'd actually quite enjoy cleaning out cupboards with a mate (yes I know that's weird).

However I agree that if you're visiting a pretty bit of the country then you'd be completely within your reason to say "I'd love to come and visit again, but you know me, I love a stately home/church/museum and I really want to take advantage of the trip to see more of Derbyshire/ Shropshire/ Suffolk, so I'm going to book a couple of excursions while I'm with you. Would you like to come with me (my treat?) or shall I go on my own." Don't take no for an answer, and pre-book trips even if you don't necessarily have to.

Is she Father Stone?

On a personal level I would expect to do something, and would arrange some activities for my visitors, even if they wanted to just relax and chill out. We've moved a few times during our careers, so it's nice to show people where we are, things to do i the area and so on.

On the other hand, my DF had a lot of his ex-army colleagues visit our home over the years, especially in his later years as they all got older. They never ever did anything that I'm aware of. They would stay a few days, never go to the local town/village, never go out to eat. They would sit around in the evening mostly talking and playing cards. During the day they walked with DF on the farm, and helped out on various jobs. They sometimes walked to the local coastal path, but that was about it! They were clearly very close, and enjoyed their time together.

Definitely set expectations and say you'd love to visit but can we plan to do x, y z as you're not one for sitting around for too long and would be nice to see more of her area.

I see people are mentioning agoraphobia. I have agoraphobia/anxiety for the last few years, no warnings I would ever get it, and it sounds very similar to me. I do go out places, since therapy and learning techniques to manage my symptoms, but can do that on the good days. I can manage places I know, lots of time outside at the coast or countryside (for other agoraphobics that would be a problem as there’s no size fits all) I can manage inside in new surroundings sometimes. Eating out and inside a building probably not as for me it’s a trapped feeling that triggers the horrendous symptoms. Your friend sounds similar as she’s sticking to a routine, very hard for me to explain as doesn’t make sense to me half the time, but routines and set things on set days help you to get through the day.

Mine was brought on by a nervous breakdown and subsequent lockdowns so my much needed treatment was delayed and I have PTSD which switched over to all of this as well. But I was very isolated beforehand living alone weeks at a time, partner worked away, in a village where I knew no one. I could go weeks and not speak to anyone. Your friend sounds like she is very lonely normally and only her mum as contact 1/4 of the month. Sadly isolation and no support network can lead to this as I now know.

Bearing in mind she won’t necessarily realise she has anxiety as she’s sticking to a safe routine. I would go and see her as I’d want to know my friend is ok. But ask to do things like go for a sandwich or picnic somewhere, a nice walk etc. Try to encourage her or ask if there’s something she likes to do like visit a beauty spot. She may need your friendship more than you realise.

Would wonder about social anxiety and also undiagnosed ND too...

That sense of rigidity about how the visit should go, not seeing your feelings and preferences as "valid"....

If you've only socialised with her in a more constrained form, maybe think about whether or not you can emotionally and practically commit to longer visits? A few days visit is a big thing.

If you'd enjoyed it fair enough but if you were relieved to go home and worrying about money, it's hardly a break.

When younger, I had a close friendship with someone who was similar, but had to detach.

She was a sweet person in many ways, and we had some nice experiences together.

However, any activities that weren't exactly how she liked them (not even the activity choice, but down to me doing something not the way she liked) ended up being shut down.

(Strongly suspect ND but there wasn't really anything I could do.

I can be quite rigid myself, but if I want to do exactly my own thing I can't necessarily force or expect people to want to go along with it)

The "but you came to visit me" line to stop you going out is exactly the sort of thing she'd say. There was no room for flexibility or my feelings.

There was always a set idea of what I was going to be doing. If I strayed from her script then I was "wrong".

So every chunk of time together was me compromising all the time and coddling her emotionally (but getting exasperated) and her thinking we were happy friends together.

It was hard as I was a bit naive and often ended up spending loads of extra time and money to work around her needs.

Unfortunately that's only something people realistically want to do for their partners and children and immediate family, not a friend.

It's a shame your friend is lonely but you really don't want to end up being her only support person if this is just how she is naturally.

My ex-friend has achieved a good standard of life and lives in a beautiful place

but clearly still is similar judging by her social media - not compromising, she wants to do something her own way, everyone else is wrong. So people don't want to get too close.

Ok for smaller social interactions where you can walk away, but tough for more complicated ones!