AIBU to expect a three-day stay with a friend to include some activities?

I’d just a say upfront- I’d really love to see x and y while I’m with you- can I book it for us? Surely you have the chats while you’re doing the things….

I think I would look for an event on nearby and just throw it into conversation. Don't make it an ultimatum as that could make things awkward, but you could say something like "how about I come stay on weekend of ??th and ??th, there's a show/fayre/steam rally (anything really) just down the road we could go to, be a nice day out?"

If she refuses to go to said event but you still want to go stay too appease her, maybe say you'll go to the event en route and get to her in the afternoon/evening after and then just spend the one day with her (two nights) then head home?

I think sometimes it’s worth really considering whether it’s time to let go of a friendship. Whilst we all need to make compromises, this is your life, spend it with the people who care about you, care about your thoughts and care about what you want to do. It doesn’t mean your friendship was always bad, it’s just some of them don’t last forever. And that’s ok.

You are taking valuable time off work and you are spending hard earned money to go on holiday.
But there is an huge mis-match between your expectations of the time spent together and hers.

She refuses to compromise in any way, insisting you have gone to visit her (and her kitchen drawers) and not the local attractions and so you have to make all the adjustments, none of which are holiday type activities. You were very generous to do that, but the point is, she took your generosity for granted and didn’t recognise it. She wasn’t a good hostess OP, and out of good manners you uncomplainingly went along with it.

It’s good you have decided to be more pro-active on getting something out of your time off for yourself too.
You have put the ball in her court.
I hope she has a light-bulb moment and realises how unreasonable she was last time. If she is short of cash, she needs to offer low cost activities instead, if she still expects you to visit.

You certainly wouldn’t be unreasonable to find a way to refuse to repeat that first, very dull experience at her house.

When my cousin comes to stay, or I go to her, we go nowhere. We just sit and talk and talk and talk (and stuff our faces). I definitely couldn't do that with just anyone though.

Sounds like her world has shrunk a lot since she moved to a rural location. Maybe she's one of the types who posts on here saying "AIBU to basically spend my life sitting at home watching netflix because going out feels like hard work?" The problem is that people like that often still expect friends to "be there for them" whenever they do feel like a bit of company. They forget that friendships are things that you have to put some effort into as well.

It's quite common to do that though eg 'I'll be in your town in February for X thing' and your friend might say 'oh stay with me then' and they know you'll be treating the place like a hotel to some extent, but you spend some time with the hosting friend as well of course.

Oh no
Don't go on holiday to play board games.

Your friends life has shrunk since she moved there, she hasn’t got a social circle and her life sounds very small, she has got used to doing very little but feels lonely. That’s where you come in, to plug the gaps. She still wants to do what she wants to do - but with you there to give her company, she sounds a little bit selfish, not taking your wishes into account.

Hold your boundary, I can come but I need to go out - I agree she is weighing up whether it’s worth her doing something she doesn’t want to do, to have the company of a friend. She wants this friendship on her own terms.

I would not be interested in this relationship in the longer term, because you are not compatible any longer. You want to go out, see things and have fun, she is content to stay at home pottering these days, neither are wrong - just different. I can’t imagine cleaning someone’s cupboards for fun, and would find the whole thing quite stifling.

Hmm, sounds as though she is the star in her show, and expects to be the star in yours too when she's with you.

But everyone gets to be the star in their own show at times, and she's not letting you have your moment. She's not a very good friend, is she?!

No wonder she hasn't made local friends though, living like a hermit.

When you visited last time and you said you wanted to go out and she said I thought you came to visit me you should have got your coat and bag and said to her you are off out as need to get out of the house and is she joining you. She was passive aggressively bullying you into staying indoors. So tell her if you do visit you have a few things planned as go stir crazy if indoors all the time and if she wants to join you great and if not you will be out and about doing stuff and going for dinner in pub etc. See what she says as she is not the boss of you at all.

Is she "careful" with her money?
She saves hotel money by staying at yours and doesn't do anything when you visit so spends no extra money.?
When guests stay you do what pleases them. You don't steamroller them to do what you like.
Give the next visit a miss as you'll be doing what she wants which sounds a bit boring and selfish if you've driven all that way xx

We offer a whole selection of activities and could keep guests busy for a couple of weeks, I could never have guests just sitting around, but then I'd never just sit around either.

I just wouldn't go. You tried last time and she doesn't seem to have picked up on your boredom. I have friends who I could do nothing with for days and still have a fantastic time, but this is clearly not your situation!

I wouldn't waste an entire weekend away, the time or money, on someone who wasn't great company and so different from you.

You’ll be compromising if you go & I bet you won’t enjoy it again as the friend is rigid and not aligned with yourself.. just don’t go. Life is too short. If you miss her, invite her to meet half way.

I like visiting people when we just chat and drink coffee / wine. They can be great weekends. Clearly this doesn't work for you though.

However, saying "I'm going to do x, y and z when I'm with you, want to come?" sounds like you're using her as a hotel. It's rude.

Better to go with "I get really antsy if I stay in all day. I'd love to come and see you, but will need to take myself out sometimes! Can you recommend anywhere? Or come with me!" Assuming it's true?

That sounds so boring. I get antsy if I sit around in my own house for two days never mind someone else's. Certainly wouldn't choose to do it as a leisure trip.

It depends on the friend and how often we see each other
I have one school mate who we could just chat
drink tea
amble about the garden for 3 days and I'd return home chilled and happy
I have another school mate who would have planned 17 activities with military precision and it would be like a sight seeing holiday
jd people visit me I have a few activities of nice places that are cheap or free and a few key touristy things just incase

but I'd play it entirely by ear and if we were just catching up I'd be fine with that too

We ran out of things to talk about fairly early on so I ended up doing household chores with her (cleaning out kitchen cupboards, gardening, planting bulbs, cleaning our cars) and helping to cook and tidy up. I sat in her living room reading a book while she did life admin. In the evening we watched her choice of TV.

No wonder shes inviting you back, shes getting a free maid.

I'd sack this off, shes incredibly selfish.

Agree with @Heliss and @AnonoMisss too.

Maybe if she'd apologised (and been mortified you weren't comfortable) but it sounds like she's expecting you to negotiate if you're allowed to leave or not.

She just doesn't "get" that your comfort or feelings or preferences actually exist, and you're having to fill in the gaps to keep things going.

Even if she's nominally polite, she's trying to dominate you, imply you're making some weird outlandish suggestion by suggesting a totally reasonable, mainstream, normal thing.

And do you really want to get there and have a bit of an atmosphere as she thinks you're wrong to want to go out

(even when she's doing her own thing ..a day trip to a NT property is not like you're going on a date and bringing a man home!).

ND or not, she wants you to do what she says (which obviously suits her) - you don't want to, but she doesn't respect that.

Probably won't end well unless you take things down to phone/group Zoom contact.

Maybe she'll want to visit the city and you can enjoy a group catch-up at some point? Why isn't she asking at the group Zoom to arrange a group visit?

But you don't want to end up being her established "only friend" where she then socially relies and depends on you visiting

as no one else wants to be locked in staring at the wall and finding household jobs to do like the beginning of a horror film

Unless you're prepared to commit to doing it indefinitely.

I was going to say this as well she is coming across as completely selfish.

Nobody needs to learn the art of hosting to know you don't practically hold someone prisoner for 3 days as well as have them do housework!!! How OP lasted I don't know!

Not actually completely accurate since she sat and did life admin then had OP cleaning and doing housework which is absolutely ridiculous.

I have a friend like this too. She keeps asking me to go to visit her at her holiday house but I know when I get there the whole visit will be sitting on the sofa, talking. I like her and I enjoy talking to her, but I find that prospect really unappealing. I like to get out and see places. So I keep making excuses and stick to seeing her for an evening from time to time.

Years ago we used to visit my in laws abroad with the children. It was a long journey and we used to stay for at least 2 weeks. Never once did they arrange an activity and they seemed to think it was fine just sitting around or sleeping in the heat of the day and watching tv! In the end we used to spend 2 or 3 days with them then go to a resort for a week then another couple of days with them before we left.

Why not visit your friend for a day or so, and find a reasonably priced b&b near the places of interest to visit alone.