Uncomfortable DM taking DS (2) to meet her friend

Your husband's reaction was unnecessarily rude and ott - your poor dm!

needy friend with MH issues

Unpleasant and unnecessary comment. What was the need? I expect your reaction would have been less swift had it been a ‘different kind’ of stranger. Ugh.

If it's not about the MH issues, why bring them up?

Why do you mention the MH issues? I don’t believe that isn’t what affected your view. Stigma against mental illness still abounds.

You needed to have a calm and friendly chat with the mil about the hug. Explain the issue about boundaries.

Your dh intervening and swooping in like a dangerous crime was about to be committed was incredibly OTT. You need to explain and apologise to your mum. I don’t blame her for being annoyed. So rude.

I think that's absolutely fair enough for you to pull your mum up on pushing him to hug her then. Just make it very clear to her that that's not okay.
My own mum did this yesterday, although it was with my grandmother, we live far away and my 2 year old only sees her every few months but my mum tried to push her over to my gran to force her to give her a hug when DD clearly didn't want to. I was very quick to tell my mum to leave her alone and that she should never ever force her to hug anyone, even my own gran, because it should always be her choice.

You need to have a chat with your mum about it really not being okay to make a child hug someone. I totally see the point about him not being a pat dog as you put it. If he's happy to meet people then great, but no child should ever be made to feel uncomfortable in order to cheer up an adult.

My take-aways from this:
•Your DH was very rude to your mum.
▪︎You and your DH are odd.
•Your son doesn't need to hug anyone he doesn't want to hug ( and there's no evidence he was made to do so)
•Your mum sounds like a normal, loving grandmother.

I am with you that no DGC should be made to hug a stranger (or anyone else), OP

Also would it be different if the friend didn't have MH issues? And if you weren't there how do you know your mum told him to hug her? I just don't get the issue?

"This made me and DH feel uncomfortable… like why are you getting her to hug strangers?"

I would explain to your MIL - or DH should explain to her - what problem she is creating for your son. Safeguarding was different in her day, a stranger was a total stranger. Point out that although she knows 'the lady', DS did not - she was a stranger to DS, being 'vouched for' by grannie doesn't really change that.

I suspect you are right that DS was told to hug, and children should never be told to do that. They must be secure in the knowledge that no stranger can demand a hug or any other physical contact. Point out to MIL that to DS's 2yo mind, grannie has taught DS that he must hug a stranger if a stranger wants a hug, or the adult he loves will be sad/angry/annoyed/whatever. That she has taught DS he is obliged to hug on demand. Ask her if she is happy for DS to be made to feel he cannot refuse physical contact.

I expect she'll insist that DS hugged 'the lady' spontaneously with no prompting from herself. You know your child.

Are you and DH worried because DM’s friend has some kind of MH issue? I hope not, that would be unjustifiable and small minded

Ridiculous

You and your husband are not coming out of this in a good way, OP.

I don't understand what your issue is? Is it because this lady has MH issues? I'm not sure why that's even relevant? Fair enough, I'm not keen on children hugging randomers and it's reasonable to make that point but why isn't your LO allowed to be introduced to their grandparents friends? Sounds like a huge overreaction on your part and that of your DH. Unless of course you're going to come along and drip feed some more info I think you're being entirely unreasonable

Kids shouldnt be made to hug if they don' want to. Apart from that I can't see any issues? It's not like the friend is taking DS off on their own.

Is there more to this story? It doesn’t seem off otherwise really although I don’t agree with forcing hugs. I remember my mum being thrilled to take toddler grandchild into her office to show her off once when she needed to collect something while looking after grandchild.

I'd not be keen on her pushing him to give her a hug but other than that I don't see the issue with him going to say 'hi' to her? Is there a back story? You mention her mental health issues, is there a history of her behaving dangerously or aggressively or in any way that would make you believe she's unsafe for your child to be around?

Is your mum offended because she was allowed to take ds to the shop earlier this week but not yesterday? I think that you and your h need to be consistent - is ds allowed to meet needy friend or not?

What a weird response to someone's friend.

I would have mentioned the hug, if ds didn't want to and was made to. But otherwise I'm not sure what the issue is? Seeing your mum's friend twice? That isn't being paraded around.

Edit - has she done things like this before and that's why you are on edge?

It’s good for young DC to meet people in a way that feels safe for them. It is never good for them to be made to hug anyone