Boring marriage but easier life

I’m a strong believer that when you’ve made your bed you should lie in it. I picked my partner, I had kids with him, now I have to put up with him for the benefit of those kids. It’s unfair to make the kids suffer because I decide I’ve made a mistake in my choice of partner.

Is he on the same page sex-wise? If he is, then I see no issue with staying together. But if he wants intimacy and you don't, then that's more of a problem. Maybe that's why he's grumpy (or why he works away?) How would you feel if he got intimate with someone else?

I feel like this is what my marriage is becoming . The sex has dropped dramatically and the affection is non existent . I keep wondering if it’s me (early40s) feeling restless after a 20 year marriage but I know my husband could make me happy if only he could be bothered to try . Unfortunately he’s always tired and unmotivated according to him so I’m not sure how that’s going to change as we are only getting older . No advice , but in the same boat it would seem .

I think you're fine, you don't dislike each other, you just aren't passionately in love. I would say differently if there was abuse, but there isn't.

I had a marriage like this. We were friends but the attraction was gone, however we didn't have kids and I was in my early 30s and wanted them and we had sex so little I didnt see how it would ever happen. I left and later met someone else who I then had children with. I love my partner, we have great chemistry and definite attraction and I love his company but there is something to be said for being married to your best friend and sometimes I miss that aspect of my marriage because sometimes I look back and see things that were boring to me at the time and there was actually lots of positives about those things. Only you can decide whether you can live with that or not, plenty of people do but not everyone wants to and I don't think either way is right or wrong.

Try and reconnect? Work together on getting back the closeness and affection (doesn’t have to mean sex). It doesn’t sound like you have a terrible marriage, so I wouldn’t suggest just giving up on it.

I'm lucky enough that dh and I still fancy one another after twenty years but if that faded I wouldn't be upturning the world and that of the kids because things were boring in the bedroom. I can think of worse things than comfortably living my life with a great friend in a peaceful home that my kids were thriving in.

If it’s just dull, I’d stay together and take some steps to get the magic back, or at the very least make life a little less boring.

You're lucky that he works away a lot if that's how you feel.

How does he feel about not having a sex life?

What does he get grumpy about? I'd be pissed off if someone worked away and when he was home he was grumpy a lot.

If you want to stay married, which it seems you do, you need to invest time and effort into making the marriage work.

What are you doing to make your marriage not boring.

l think life gets in the way of marriage, kids, family and jobs take over. I was in a bit of a rut a few years ago thinking l need to leave this isn’t fun. One of my divorced friends sat me down and told me how she wished she had worked at her marriage leaving it was the worst thing that she had done. It was really good advice, l started doing things for myself, opened up my life to more than what l had been concentrating on.

Now l am glad l had someone to give me that advice, he took up his own hobby and now we have conversations about things other than kids, work and we hat needs doing around the house. We go on dates now (not great big dates, last month we had fish and chips in the car on the prom)and just came back from a weekend away together, this all helped us reconnect the physical connection as well. I am so grateful to my friend.

Before you do anything please just make sure it’s not just life that’s making your marriage boring. Good luck.

I suspect lots of couples in very long term relationships are ‘just friends’.

There are worse people to spend your life with than a friend. Maybe instead of being like friends you two need to work on becoming BEST friends again.
If your kids are still young and home life is good, it would be selfish to blow that up. When they are older and flown and if you still feel the same maybe that’s your time then. But right now it’s their time.
Of course, if there were constant arguments, adultery, abuse etc etc. I would definitely be saying leave, but that doesn’t sound like it’s the case.
When he’s home maybe you need to find time to reconnect as friends. Go somewhere childish and do something silly.
Me and DH go to the seaside and play in the arcade and generally do stuff we are too old to be doing, and we have a blast doing it. Maybe make more time for silliness.

Why don't you try to put a bit of effort into reconnecting together as a couple. Marriages go through ups and downs and in your case it feels like you've let yourself fall victim to the pitfalls of everyday life. You could try counselling, dating again, even just going out for a walk and a chat together?
I would try my best to fix it (both of you btw, not saying you need to do it all) before I give up completely.

My only thought is what kind of an example for a partnership are you setting for your children?

Think millions of couples probably plod along op

he works away a lot? that seems a positive

how old are your children?

do you laugh together? affectionate ? mind to one another? basically showing a good example of a healthy marriage to your children or is it very detached and quite resentful?

Have you spoken to your husband about how you feel?

If you are friends, then I see no harm is staying together. If you hate each other and there are constant arguments, I'd rather have a modest lifestyle and a smaller house but have an easier life without a grumpy housemate.