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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WIBU to buy my daughter furniture she didn't pick out?

189 replies

Mastmw7g · 11/04/2024 10:02

My daughter moved out in January. She lives alone and has no furniture. Once a week I come over with takeaway and we eat together and learn about each other's week. I asked if she wanted furniture for her birthday and she said yes. I suggested a table and chairs because we eat together and she liked that idea.

I've shown her pictures and taken her shopping, but she hasn't made any decisions. She said she doesn't know her style. I've been looking at used furniture online and I found the green upholstered chairs with black metal frames. She sat on them at IKEA. She likes green and liked that they were comfortable.

Then I found a wood table I had shown her a picture of. She had liked the picture but didn't want me spending so much when she hadn't seen the table in person.

I've tried talking to her, but she's busy. She's earning, her boyfriend is ill, she doesn't have time to drive out to homes to look at furniture. She doesn't share my urgency to get these deals before someone else. Would I be unreasonable to just buy the furniture? It could always be sold if she doesn't like it.

OP posts:
AnonoMisss · 14/04/2024 02:50

Baba197 · 13/04/2024 16:48

Buy a couple of camping chairs so you have somewhere to sit when you visit- I couldn’t be doing with standing in the kitchen, then let her buy stuff in her own time and let her know that when she’s ready you are happy to help her

Great idea

AnonoMisss · 14/04/2024 02:49

LittleBearPad · 12/04/2024 11:27

It’s a table and chairs, it’s not that big a commitment.

For you! Some people are very specific and take time to ger things right nothing wrong with that at all. Hate when people assume their way is the only way.

AnonoMisss · 14/04/2024 02:47

ghostyslovesheets · 11/04/2024 10:09

If she has no furniture it might be better to start with a bed and sofa?

maybe she doesn’t want to buy things off FB marketplace?

just give her the money

I would hate second hand furniture especially in this bed bug epidemic with that bring one of the main ways of them being spread.

NoThanksymm · 13/04/2024 21:45

Up to you

hand-me-downs are never out of line and can be replaced as she likes. You Or a cousin looking for a new table?

Baba197 · 13/04/2024 16:48

Buy a couple of camping chairs so you have somewhere to sit when you visit- I couldn’t be doing with standing in the kitchen, then let her buy stuff in her own time and let her know that when she’s ready you are happy to help her

burnoutbabe · 13/04/2024 14:28

So no where to sit when you visit?

Just bizarre. I'd just say that I would buy her a table to have somewhere to sit when you visit and you will take it when she decides oh a new one. Make it clear it's for your benefit for not hers. You are too old to stand for an entire visit!

I have a black sort of round table with corners with 4 chairs underneath-maybe 1 meter by 1 meter -Argos/homebase range around £100. Would offend no one's taste aesthetic.

But if she said no to that I'd probably just not visit her house. She can visit you. Or meet outside the house.

Bamboobzled · 13/04/2024 13:59

I have a close family member who sounds very similar to your daughter. This person is autistic and struggles with the same sort of things, they would take forever to make decisions on furniture etc but they had to so it themselves. I would never buy this person furniture, I'd let them pick it themselves. I only buy them vouchers as gifts or money as I've learned after many years that they don't want gifts and find it all stressful and awkward (they also don't want money or voucher but I know it helps financially). Could you keep a pair of camping chairs in your car and bring them up to eat then say oh yknow, they can stay here if you want? Might work temporarily.

Mastmw7g · 13/04/2024 09:33

CliffsofMohair · 13/04/2024 08:49

So her stepfather has decided she isn’t allowed any birthday gift as an adult. And you acquiesce to this or you have no means to override this. That’s a horrible dynamic for a child/teen/young adult to be dealing with.

No, I did not acquiesce. I took her shopping.

OP posts:
Eskimalita · 13/04/2024 09:32

Is she devoting a lot of time to caring for her boyfriend? It seems to be encroaching on her own time and well-being

Ladyj84 · 13/04/2024 09:09

I guess I would be thinking the same why no furniture but I've also been where I got a new house as pretty much had nothing and was actually very happy in that situation for a while until I got my thoughts together about furnishings. I remember my mum wanting to buy this and that and I ended up so confused in my head we had our first proper row. So she backed off and left me to it and ye I sorted myself a few months later with the help of mum and dad as by then I had got my head around what I maybe fancied and what I could afford. But pushing a person who struggles to make instant decisions just makes it worse

CliffsofMohair · 13/04/2024 08:49

So her stepfather has decided she isn’t allowed any birthday gift as an adult. And you acquiesce to this or you have no means to override this. That’s a horrible dynamic for a child/teen/young adult to be dealing with.

Supersoakers · 13/04/2024 08:36

My dd agonises over choosing things. Everything has to be perfect. In the end for her room, ‘perfect’ was plain white furniture from IKEA, with grey walls. Maybe your dd likes minimalism/low stimulus.

Lola2321 · 13/04/2024 08:25

you’re coming from a good place. But do not buy her furniture. We all have our style and wishes.

Bitterhampton · 13/04/2024 08:05

Bistro garden table & two chairs - so a bit temporary, a bit not long term ultimately destined for outdoors. And not some hideous well made, dated, second hand, heavy burden to lug around.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 13/04/2024 06:43

I can spunk a lot of money on absolutle rubbish but when it comes to furniture shopping I get do much anxiety. I can't explain why I feel like that but I just want to block it our and not even discuss it. It makes my brain spin.

hopscotcher · 13/04/2024 06:25

Having said that, I do agree with @LilySLE that parent and child timeframes can be different, so be careful about rushing into things she might just want to come to her own decision about.

hopscotcher · 13/04/2024 06:23

I think buying the table and chairs sounds like a really nice gesture. Can only speak for myself but I'd have appreciated that from my mum when I was younger. Obviously only if you can afford it etc.

Kelly51 · 13/04/2024 06:19

She also has money of her own but has not gotten furniture.
there's the answer, stop being overbearing.

Josette77 · 13/04/2024 06:16

I think your husband is quite cruel and controlling. Does he have any children of his own?

PcBassoon · 13/04/2024 05:08

My granny gave me a folding table and chairs when I got my first apartment and they have been so useful! It's a great idea.

PcBassoon · 13/04/2024 05:06

I would say, "Since you aren't sure what you want and you are busy, do you mind if I just pick it out?" I wouldn't do it without asking.

Mastmw7g · 12/04/2024 22:27

Nanny0gg · 12/04/2024 22:17

What on earth is the matter with your husband.

I think the word 'controlling' is very over-used on here but surely this is the case?

Why does he think he can over-ride her plans like that?

That's her dad, not my husband. My husband raised her. Her dad has only seen her three or four times in the last ten years, all since she became an adult. Her grandparents are good people, though, and she knows traveling isn't easy for them. So she cancelled her plans for them. I only shared this because she was accused of not thinking of others above herself. I disagree.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 12/04/2024 22:17

Mastmw7g · 12/04/2024 11:02

She never invited her grandparents round. She had plans for her birthday. Her dad said he wanted to spend it with her. She said no, she had plans already. Then he spoke to her and said he was traveling to her for her birthday and bringing his parents. So she cancelled her plans for her grandparents. I think her level of looking after people exceeds what I expected.

And she does not make me stand up to eat. I want to come and see her.

What on earth is the matter with your husband.

I think the word 'controlling' is very over-used on here but surely this is the case?

Why does he think he can over-ride her plans like that?

Nanny0gg · 12/04/2024 21:48

Mastmw7g · 11/04/2024 11:17

My husband wouldn't agree to giving her money He's actually been exhausting. He said birthdays as an adult means you get a card and nothing else. No money, no gifts.

Why does he dictate?

I'm assuming the rule applies to him too?

JPGR · 12/04/2024 19:50

Your husband doesn’t sound very nice. Why wouldn’t he want to help his daughter.