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Original poster

WIBU to buy my daughter furniture she didn't pick out?

189 replies

Mastmw7g · 11/04/2024 10:02

My daughter moved out in January. She lives alone and has no furniture. Once a week I come over with takeaway and we eat together and learn about each other's week. I asked if she wanted furniture for her birthday and she said yes. I suggested a table and chairs because we eat together and she liked that idea.

I've shown her pictures and taken her shopping, but she hasn't made any decisions. She said she doesn't know her style. I've been looking at used furniture online and I found the green upholstered chairs with black metal frames. She sat on them at IKEA. She likes green and liked that they were comfortable.

Then I found a wood table I had shown her a picture of. She had liked the picture but didn't want me spending so much when she hadn't seen the table in person.

I've tried talking to her, but she's busy. She's earning, her boyfriend is ill, she doesn't have time to drive out to homes to look at furniture. She doesn't share my urgency to get these deals before someone else. Would I be unreasonable to just buy the furniture? It could always be sold if she doesn't like it.

OP posts:
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Original poster
Mastmw7g · 17/04/2024 14:48

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon I said six days ago I would wait on her timeline and let it go. I said I wouldn't talk to her about it anymore and I haven't.

Before asking her if she'd like furniture for her birthday she said she wanted "house stuff."

She's satisfied with her clothing storage, so I wouldn't suggest a wardrobe.

Her boyfriend would like her to get a real mattress, but she hasn't chosen one since her Nan offered to buy a bed and mattress three months ago. She just hasn't seen any she likes.

She told me in December that she thinks money as a gift is depressing. This is probably because she has money. She can already buy furniture with that money or go away with her boyfriend.

I said instead I'd get her flowers for her birthday. I already bought a vase for the flowers.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 17/04/2024 12:24

you are over thinking this.

remove the father scenario from the furniture issue
remove the grandparents scenario from the furniture issue

none of that is relevant, nor your problem / issue

step back now

you asked if she would like furniture for her birthday, she agreed
maybe she agreed because it was suggested ?

maybe she ' liked the idea ' of a table and chairs because it was suggested ?
and you suggested it because you can make use of them during your weekly visit when you bring along a take away.

so step back,

when she is ready she will make a decision

maybe one day she will spot a table and chairs she likes.

maybe she would prefer a wardrobe ?

maybe she would prefer a sum of money, and in her own time she can choose and buy any furniture she wants, that's if she decides it is still furniture she wants for her birthday.

maybe she would prefer a sum of money and she might go away for a weekend with her boyfriend.

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 17/04/2024 11:52

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 16/04/2024 15:35

Where her visitors sit is not your problem / concern/ responsibility, her father can sort it ! she can visit them at their hotel.

I said I identified it as one of the three root causes for my worry, but I was sure she would figure it out. And I can't see her visiting them at the hotel. But she could surprise me.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 16/04/2024 15:35

Where her visitors sit is not your problem / concern/ responsibility, her father can sort it ! she can visit them at their hotel.

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 16/04/2024 15:31

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 16/04/2024 13:54

I do think she is very much hoping the boyfriend will move in with her, considering their fun in IKEA, she wants to choose furniture with him...

I also think when her Dad arrives with her other grandparents, and everyone realises there is no furniture that they will all go out - for dinner etc.

I am concerned tho with your husband's control over what you can / should / will buy your daughter for her birthday - is it has money ?

She may be hoping her boyfriend moves in, but his parents don't charge him anything to live there and he's saving for a car so I think that would be a long wait.

Her dad and grandparents are staying for four days. They have a hotel, but her grandparents are in their 80s and her grandfather has some mobility issues. So I was concerned they would have no place to sit and visit, but I'm sure they'll figure it out.

OP posts:
BlueSky109 · 16/04/2024 15:17

When I moved into my first place I couldn’t afford to buy all the furniture at once, I had a sofa, a coffee table and a bed. I was in my 20s and my priorities were working, going to the gym and the pub. Not furniture shopping. My parents bought me a chest of drawers and converted a built in cupboard to a wardrobe for my birthday, without asking me what I wanted. They also bought me a hoover. I still have the chest of drawers 18 years later and Hetty the hoover is still going strong. I really appreciated it at the time and it made my place feel really homely, to the point I actually enjoyed spending time in my home and prioritised buying more furniture myself.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 16/04/2024 13:54

I do think she is very much hoping the boyfriend will move in with her, considering their fun in IKEA, she wants to choose furniture with him...

I also think when her Dad arrives with her other grandparents, and everyone realises there is no furniture that they will all go out - for dinner etc.

I am concerned tho with your husband's control over what you can / should / will buy your daughter for her birthday - is it has money ?

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 16/04/2024 13:39

@neilyoungismyhero She did ask, for her birthday. But she hasn't decided. I felt urgency that it needed to be decided by her birthday, but my offer doesn't have to expire by a date.

OP posts:
neilyoungismyhero · 16/04/2024 13:29

She has moved out. She has her own place. I would buy a couple of camping chairs to ensure I can sit down whilst eating and leave her to it. If you feel you want to contribute to furniture wait until she asks you. She's a grown up now.

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 16/04/2024 13:23

@Flowerpotcat Yes, I'm in therapy. I sought therapy when she moved out. She wants therapy for herself, but hasn't started. I have friends but would never talk to them about things like this. My worrying about the table and chairs was probably because I had to insist on buying them while my husband didn't agree, as well as feeling like she needed a present by her birthday and proper seating before her grandparents came to visit. Instead I need to wait her her timeline. She doesn't need to decide by her birthday or before having elderly guests.

OP posts:
Flowerpotcat · 16/04/2024 09:28

Sometimes the best thing you can do for your children is work on your own mental health. Be healthy for them so that you are there for them to come to for help when they need help (not when you have decided they do).

Are you in therapy OP? With kindness, I think if you can afford it, a course of therapy to explore the origins of these unhealthy family dynamics and your own anxiety could be useful for you.

You have a lot of time to spend on MN worrying about your daughter, who sounds mostly fine. That's not healthy.

Do you have good friends and hobbies in real life? Spend some time working on yourself.

Thexwife · 16/04/2024 08:27

she sounds like she might be overwhelmed- no time to look at or decide what she wants as busy looking after partner. Maybe back off and (especially if has a garden) buy some folding chairs and table. Can use temporarily in house. I bought some camping chairs while we waited for sofa to be delivered. Sit in them in garden now

Garlicked · 14/04/2024 15:11

fieldsofbutterflies · 14/04/2024 15:00

The dynamics here are all very strange to me.

It sounds to me as if DD hasn't realised we change our homes as we, our lives and circumstances change - as if she feels she's got to get it right, and then that's it. At 20, it's not at all unusual to have temporary stuff - new, old or borrowed - and experiment with making things look nice until we've figured out what we want and how we like to do things.

You don't sign a lifetime commitment to your furnishings 😂

fieldsofbutterflies · 14/04/2024 15:00

The dynamics here are all very strange to me.

Garlicked · 14/04/2024 14:56

Or this tiny version, £70.
https://www.habitat.co.uk/product/1232516

WIBU to buy my daughter furniture she didn't pick out?
Garlicked · 14/04/2024 14:44

If I were you (I'm not, obviously) I'd buy this and bring it as "somewhere for me to sit". It all folds up flat, she can stack it against a wall if she wants until she has visitors. No assembly required. £160. Also comes in light green, black and grey.

https://www.habitat.co.uk/product/3295393

WIBU to buy my daughter furniture she didn't pick out?
burnoutbabe · 14/04/2024 14:01

but she won't buy a simple chair and table for you to eat at.

I can't imagine ever dreaming of making my parents stand up when visiting or offering them a cushion on the floor.

their comfort, even on a temp basis, would be important to me, even if i was happy to sit on the floor for a year whilst i made up my mind.

(and i am 50 now and wouldn't visit someone who clearly didn't care if i was comfortable or not when visiting - bar moving in day for example)

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 14/04/2024 13:48

burnoutbabe · 14/04/2024 08:57

It's clear though she does not want visitors. Else she would compromise and buy a few bits FOR NOW to allow visitors to visit and be comfortable.

So do the one thing in your power and not visit. Meet at yours or other location.

She likes me visiting. Before she had a boyfriend she'd become so sad everytime I had to leave. She was talking yesterday about wanting to go to a club for her birthday and not having anyone besides her boyfriend to go with. And she does come to mine, but it's mostly to drop off or pick up her dog so we can take care of her during work hours. And the younger kids are here as well as my husband, so I don't get to have a proper conversation with her.

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 14/04/2024 08:57

It's clear though she does not want visitors. Else she would compromise and buy a few bits FOR NOW to allow visitors to visit and be comfortable.

So do the one thing in your power and not visit. Meet at yours or other location.

AnonoMisss · 14/04/2024 03:05

PlasticOno · 11/04/2024 10:52

I remember your other posts about her — that you and your DH had to get her a job, and when she wasn’t happy in it, you had to get all applications materials, CV out on the kitchen table and go through recruitment websites with her etc, and even then she wouldn’t engage, and that you encouraged her to leave home because she was making life ‘awful’ for her younger siblings.

She sounds incredibly frustrating, indecisive, lazy (and yes, anxious, but making her anxiety other people’s problem), so I suppose I’d prioritise the big picture of your relationship and her life over furniture.

On the other hand, I can’t imagine standing in a kitchen to eat takeaway on a regular basis. Maybe bring a folding chair? When she’s not standing up eating in her kitchen, how does she function with no furniture?

Its her house she can choose when to buy furniture or not and if she wants floor cushions or not. People don't need to work to others time scales.

Not to mention she has a mental health issue of anxiety which can create issues with decision making. Not sure how wanting to take time to buy furniture (perfectly normal) making her anxiety someone else problem?

AnonoMisss · 14/04/2024 02:59

Mrsjayy · 11/04/2024 10:51

I know my replies changed within 2 posts but it sounds exhausting I couldn't be bothered with 2 adults giggling in ikea about a table !

Why does her and her partner having fun in IKEA bother you? That's so odd.

AnonoMisss · 14/04/2024 02:57

Woohow · 11/04/2024 10:21

Kit her place out with stuff from freecycle and tell her you'll buy her stuff to replace it once she has decided what she wants.

No you can't just do that!!! Not everyone wants second hand stuff.

AnonoMisss · 14/04/2024 02:54

Singleandproud · 11/04/2024 10:45

See I wouldn't send a photo, you are just putting more demands on her even if it's a small one to make a decision. Leave her be, she sounds like she's stressed enough. Just get some temporary camping stuff for now so she has something and you have somewhere to sit when you visit.

This!!!!

AnonoMisss · 14/04/2024 02:54

Bamboobzled · 13/04/2024 13:59

I have a close family member who sounds very similar to your daughter. This person is autistic and struggles with the same sort of things, they would take forever to make decisions on furniture etc but they had to so it themselves. I would never buy this person furniture, I'd let them pick it themselves. I only buy them vouchers as gifts or money as I've learned after many years that they don't want gifts and find it all stressful and awkward (they also don't want money or voucher but I know it helps financially). Could you keep a pair of camping chairs in your car and bring them up to eat then say oh yknow, they can stay here if you want? Might work temporarily.

Yes, and ADHD people can experience similar difficulty with decisions too.

AnonoMisss · 14/04/2024 02:52

burnoutbabe · 13/04/2024 14:28

So no where to sit when you visit?

Just bizarre. I'd just say that I would buy her a table to have somewhere to sit when you visit and you will take it when she decides oh a new one. Make it clear it's for your benefit for not hers. You are too old to stand for an entire visit!

I have a black sort of round table with corners with 4 chairs underneath-maybe 1 meter by 1 meter -Argos/homebase range around £100. Would offend no one's taste aesthetic.

But if she said no to that I'd probably just not visit her house. She can visit you. Or meet outside the house.

Would offend mine.