Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son’s dad didn’t show up for birthday

42 replies

Birthdayeffort · 11/04/2024 09:21

My son’s dad could only spare one hour to celebrate our 3yo son’s birthday and didn’t get him a present.

He was working in the day and checking our sheep after work but he was further delayed because his neighbour’s sheep got onto the road and they couldn’t sort it because they were having their tea (also they’re knobs — don’t know if this is relevant but they definitely wouldn’t do the same for him).

I’m really upset that our son is evidently less important than someone else’s sheep. And I think it is shit to not go out of your way for your child’s birthday.

I made a big effort: took him away for the weekend, went to the zoo, had a tea party with cousins. Even my cousins’ partners came, not because I asked them to or expected it (I didn’t) but because they wanted to be there. I’m just really sad that my child’s father couldn’t prioritise it a little more.

He says I’m being totally unreasonable and cannot see what the problem is because our son had a good birthday and was happy and safe.

He says his dad was always working on his birthday too and he never minded so it’s fine. But that was my experience too, and I minded. I had to make my own treasure hunt for my 9th birthday and then try to forget where I’d hidden the clues (which obviously didn’t work) because my parents were too busy and I don’t want that to be my son’s experience, I wanted to do better .

So, AIBU to be really upset about this?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 11/04/2024 14:43

It's not unusual for parents to have to work long hours. I had 3 kids under 4yo and my husband was working 80-90 hour weeks as a police officer, doing shifts, working rest days, 7 days a week. It was exhausting both on him and us, but he did it because we needed the money!!

Your husband working so much appears to be bringing no benefit to your family, and that is the issue.

Re the birthday yabu. The sheep had to come first, you know that really. And you went over the top, but I see why. Kids at that age are happy with cake and new toys. Save those kinds of things for when they're older.

Toddlerteaplease · 11/04/2024 14:18

Singleandproud · 11/04/2024 10:41

So actually this is nothing to do with the birthday and everything to do with your relationship. If you are very unhappy it is much easier to break up and start again whilst DC are small and don't know much different. It doesn't sound like you are compatible and the birthday is just the straw that broke the camels back etc.

Agree

Toddlerteaplease · 11/04/2024 14:17

He couldn't leave the sheep in the road. At that moment, yes they were more important.

AutumnFroglets · 11/04/2024 14:03

This is no longer about a birthday.
Would he agree to stop farming your parents property since there has been zero profit over the years and you will no longer be living there?

He also needs to come to a proper agreement with his parents regarding share of profits and reinvestment in stock and keep a really close eye on it, ie both take 20% leaving 60% to plough back in. Add in any subsidies as they are a form of profit. If not then he has to walk away. Has he looked into getting his own smallholding/farm?

If he refuses then it might be ultimatum time. I don't think it's just about lack of physically seeing you (although that helps), it's about financially and emotionally investing in your joint future.

TayIor · 11/04/2024 13:55

Singling out just the birthday issue alone, you have gone way OTT for a 3 year old. Your DH has gone way under. But buying separate presents is really weird. Also you saying about making your own treasure hunt, well your son didn't need to do that while he was whisked away for the weekend and lots of other things so there's no comparison. Those sheep could have been killed, your DH was kind to sort them out.

Original poster
Birthdayeffort · 11/04/2024 13:02

whitebreadjamsandwich · 11/04/2024 12:56

Yeesh.....that's a mess. So he grafts for his parents, they benefit entirely physically and financially, and he grafts for your parents for no reward either? And in both cases, neither farm will be inherited? Can he explain WHY he is choosing to do all this when he could just work and come home??

No he can’t explain.
This is the problem.
He has been telling himself that he’s making the sacrifice for us, but I don’t want him working his fingers to the bone and coming back too tired and grumpy to speak. I want a partner who chats and takes an interest in my life, and our son just wants to see his dad.
Increasingly I just see it as an alternative to the pub

OP posts:
whitebreadjamsandwich · 11/04/2024 12:56

Yeesh.....that's a mess. So he grafts for his parents, they benefit entirely physically and financially, and he grafts for your parents for no reward either? And in both cases, neither farm will be inherited? Can he explain WHY he is choosing to do all this when he could just work and come home??

BoohooWoohoo · 11/04/2024 12:49

Yabu about the birthday (you went OTT trying to bet compensate for your childhood and he did the right thing sorting the sheep since it’s not something that he could predict)

Yanbu to be pissed off about the voluntary work and financial /parenting pressure that he’s put on you over time. It’s not fair on you or your child and he needs to wake up and prioritise his family ( you and your child )

Original poster
Birthdayeffort · 11/04/2024 12:42

MrsSkylerWhite · 11/04/2024 12:28

Did he have this working pattern when you decided to have a child? Did you discuss how you wanted things to change?

No, he just did the two farms. They were meant to bring in an income by now but we’ve had a number of setbacks at my parents’ place (one of them involved their dog killing fifteen of our sheep in the space of a fortnight, and there was a TB outbreak, and a year where we had no calves because something went wrong with AI etc etc etc). His parents’ farm is profitable but they seem to keep the profits despite not doing more than about 10% of the work.

We wanted the farming operation at my parents’ to be profitable and worthwhile but for a number of reasons it just isn’t. Then my parents u-turned re the future and the plan changed from us eventually living there in 5-10 years time to that being off the cards.

Unfortunately we didn’t realise how little the farm means to my parents or that they would rather destroy it than tie up/ rehome their dog . It’s put a lot of pressure on us and all fun and pleasure has now gone from that farm, along with the longterm goal of eventually living there.

Sorry this is a drip feed. I didn’t realise people would be so interested in the wider context.

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 11/04/2024 12:37

The birthday is not the issue to me, and please don't go overboard with birthdays or other events. The issue is a dad spending seemingly little time with his child.

MrsSkylerWhite · 11/04/2024 12:35

Tell your husband what you said in your last post.

Original poster
Birthdayeffort · 11/04/2024 12:34

Crunchymum · 11/04/2024 12:29

I think your phrasing says it all.

You don't refer to him as DP / DH but as your "Son's dad" which is in my experience common terminology when parents are separated.

Do you feel separated? Do you want to be separated?

I feel abandoned.
I want to not feel this way.
We used to be very loving. But he has gradually removed himself physically and emotionally from our home.

OP posts:
Jokl · 11/04/2024 12:33

With your follow up post op, I’d be upset too, and resentful. He doesn’t sound appreciative of what you do at all. My husband works stupid hours, and we can go long periods of time without seeing him at all (asleep when he gets up, asleep when he gets home) over the busier months but he is always appreciative of what I do and, rather importantly, he contributes to the household by paying the bills, which allows me to be a SAHM (also partner in the business so do paperwork etc as well). Also, he’s working purely for us. He’s not lining anyone else’s pockets and he’s hoping to be able to take a step back in the next 10 years. What your family is trying to do is unfair and unsustainable.

Original poster
Birthdayeffort · 11/04/2024 12:31

pikkumyy77 · 11/04/2024 12:09

No we get it. This is the straw that breaks the camel’s back. This “farm for my parents “ with no clear inheritance is absolutely shit.

Show quote history

Exactly. I can see him busily burying himself in both farms, avoiding all other responsibilities, until they inevitably and probably quite soon cease to exist . How long do we keep flogging the dead horse for? Is our son going to look back in years to come and be glad his dad missed out on his childhood because he was trying to farm two farms whose owners have NO PLAN for the future? His dad hasn’t even made a will and my parents intend to either live to 140 (I wish I was exaggerating) or move to a town in the next 5 years.

OP posts:
Rickrolypoly · 11/04/2024 12:29

ok this isnt about the birthday/party at all is it?

Crunchymum · 11/04/2024 12:29

I think your phrasing says it all.

You don't refer to him as DP / DH but as your "Son's dad" which is in my experience common terminology when parents are separated.

Do you feel separated? Do you want to be separated?

MrsSkylerWhite · 11/04/2024 12:28

Did he have this working pattern when you decided to have a child? Did you discuss how you wanted things to change?

Original poster
Birthdayeffort · 11/04/2024 12:25

PassingStranger · 11/04/2024 12:06

There's people on here whose children's fathers don't bother at all.

I know, and that’s shit, and doesn’t mean we should settle for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Birthdayeffort · 11/04/2024 12:23

whitebreadjamsandwich · 11/04/2024 12:02

Ok OP, take a breath.

Is his full time job farming related? Either way, working full time then being expected to work on two family farms (is he getting paid? Unpaid? Giving the money to family?) is a lot. The sheep really did take priority from a safety perspective for all, I'm afraid, but why it ended up being his responsibility is a bit crap.

Is he a good dad usually? Is he involved in the day to day care of your child?

Yes his ft job is farming related but doesn’t involve livestock.
On both farms the deal is that the parents keep the subsidies and he keeps any profits. These profits seem to go on paying things like his parents’ electricity bill.

We used to enjoy doing the farming together but he can’t seem to control his anger when we’re there so I just don’t get involved much now.

He’s a very good dad for the few hours a week that he’s with him. He used to have him every day and take him round the farm while I was working but he’s had to get a proper job because my wage wasn’t enough to cover everything and no money was reaching us from the farm. He’s a bit resentful that I ‘made’ him get a job but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to chip in to our domestic bills (and nursery). For years I suggested appropriate part-time jobs that he could fit around the farm but he wouldn’t consider them, instead suggesting ridiculous ones (5 half days a week atminimum wage with a commute of over an hour for example) which obviously were not going to work. I have not forced him to work every hour god sends, that is his choice, but what I have demanded after many years of supporting us financially (no longer possible due to cost of living, childcare etc) is that he should contribute something to our bills. I would have carried on paying for everything if he hadn’t declared that I contribute nothing to the family.

As for day-to-day care, he does 50:50 when he’s here. We’re supposed to take it in turns to do bedtime but he’s usually not back in time so I do 2 or 3 bedtimes for every one that he does. I am the only person who deals with nursery, appointments and his social life. I am the only person who completes a laundry cycle including taking clothes off the line and putting them away, he only gets as far as putting them on the line (without pegs so they blow away then I have to start the cycle all over again). We both cook and buy food. He’s good when he’s here, the issue is he’s never here.

OP posts:
Jokl · 11/04/2024 12:23

BatteryPoweredPeacock · 11/04/2024 11:58

Come on now, that's not what you asked and there's not much help getting pissed at mn Smile.

You asked if YABU to mind him only being present at your son's 3rd birthday for an hour when he has sheep to care for at the most busy time for sheep caring and on top of a full time job. That scenario would appear to be understandable to me.

If there is a bigger context and backstory that is at the root of your upset, then maybe that's the question you should be asking about because it's not OK in the wider context for his partner (?) and son to always feel 2nd best.

Show quote history

This is a very good post and summarises my feelings quite well. I’m a farmers daughter and a contractors wife, and we also have a farm ourselves. I know the pressures and the difference in lifestyles better than most, but I think yabu in this particular situation. He did see your son. The fact you have difficulties in your relationship otherwise is, imo, separate. I expect your sons birthday just felt like the straw that broke the camels back.

SallyWD · 11/04/2024 12:18

I think you're being unreasonable, sorry. It's not like your DH was down the pub with his mates. He was working and then dealing with an emergency. Your son is three and has celebrated extensively and is probably very happy. I don't remember any great fuss on my birthday when I was a child. My parents were often working. I'd have a cake and then usually a small birthday party a few days later at the weekend. I felt very loved.
You just need to celebrate at the weekend (or whenever your DH is not working). It feels like you want a stick to beat him with.

curiouscat1987 · 11/04/2024 12:09

Sharptonguedwoman · 11/04/2024 09:46

Your child is three, they won't remember anyway.
The sheep are important, your child had a good time. Your husband was at work and then doing more work. I'm not sure what you needed him to do? Tbh I don't think my Civil Servant father had anything to do with our birthday celebrations. (Friends round and a cake) He did things like build the Guinea-pig hutch but was never home before about 7 pm ever. Your husband cares but he has his hands full, seems to me.

This isnt necessarily true, its perfectly possible to remember your 3rd birthday. I remember my 2nd (although i appreciate thats unusual its still possible!)

pikkumyy77 · 11/04/2024 12:09

Birthdayeffort · 11/04/2024 11:45

It would appear that I am being unreasonable for minding that he is barely present in our lives. Thanks for the feedback.

No we get it. This is the straw that breaks the camel’s back. This “farm for my parents “ with no clear inheritance is absolutely shit.

PassingStranger · 11/04/2024 12:06

There's people on here whose children's fathers don't bother at all.

Caroparo52 · 11/04/2024 12:02

Do what you think is right. I agree Df is a knob. You can't change that. His loss. Your ds will work it out for himself when he's older. Accept what you can control. Don't let useless wanker uncaring df spoil your enjoyment of ds.

Swipe left for the next trending thread