To do the bare minimum to get by at work when you have a toddler and not feel guilty about that?

I am quite insulted to be included in your "all mothers" statement. If you don't want to or can't give your all during the day that's up to you, but don't assume all working mothers are like you. I worked my arse off before DD was born and continued to do so after. Just because I became a mother didn't mean my career stopped being important also, I just, as some PPS have said, readjusted my boundaries. You don't want to do that, absolutely fine, but don't negate the hard work and commitment of other women.

I agree but it's mums and dad's in my experience.

Wait - where did OP say that she can't do the job?

She said she didn't currently want a promotion. That's a different thing entirely.

It's nice that your manager is interested in supporting you to progress.

It's absolutely fine for you to say that you don't want to right now.

You shouldn’t be at work if you can’t do the job.

Well if both of you are working and neither can change hours then clearly either someone needs to change jobs or you need to find childcare that covers different hours.
What job makes it impossible to ever do some of the drop offs/pick ups and to share childcare? I have friends who do shift work and it’s certainly the case some weeks they can’t drop off as they start super early or are just finishing nights and others can’t pick up as they are on lates but they can do one or the other. I have friends who both work 9-5 but with ~1hr commute where they had to get childcare cover 7:30-6:30 but even then one could head in early and one could finish later if they were busy.

There's a huge presumption here that her DH can change his work hours. I couldn't have changed mine, nor could my DH, nor can my daughters and nor can my son's in law. How lovely that some of you have that flexibility, but you can't assume that others can.

But that's not her employer's fault.
Her employer isn't unreasonable to expect her to focus on work or to suggest a promotion.

If her family situation doesn't allow for her to focus on her career then that is something she needs to reconcile with herself and her husband rather than blame her employer.

When at work you need to be concentrating on work, obviously there's always the occasional emergency with young kids but i don't think you should be generalising. When I'm working, I'm working (or at least was until this job which is far more flexible, I do hone admin at work etc)

I might be odd but honestly when mine were young I totally focused on work when I was there probably more than i did before or since as I couldn’t make up the time by working late

Women spent decades trying to prove that employing us wasn’t pointless as ‘we would only get pregnant’. It’s fine to take a step back when your kids are babies, but you should try to negotiate a role with less responsibility while you are not able to carry out the full duties of your usual job. That might mean a temporary pay cut, but that’s only fair if someone else is picking up the slack for you.

There shouldn’t be a question of 110% whether you are a parent or not. If everyone does what they are paid for, that’s as it should be.

There's a huge presumption here that her DH can change his work hours. I couldn't have changed mine, nor could my DH, nor can my daughters and nor can my son's in law. How lovely that some of you have that flexibility, but you can't assume that others can.

Luckily for daughter #2, it's her DH whose hours enable him to do nursery drop off and pick up. Funnily enough I doubt that mumsnetters will slag her off for not changing her hours.

Yes. If the fathers of toddlers are not similarly too exhausted and overwhelmed to give their minds to work or seek promotion, then there’s an imbalance in the home.

Giving 110% is a stupid expression and YANBU to choose not to do that whether you have a toddler or not.
Having kids likely means you can’t devote a massive amount of time outside your normal work hours to your job on a regular basis even if you’d like to but so do other things like having elderly relatives or aging pets that need lots of care and attention or having caring responsibilities for a sibling or spouse that’s unwell. Arguably we should all be better at setting boundaries and not working loads of additional time even if it’s not for a particular reason. Normalising idea of a contract for 40 hours a week where you work 45/50/60 or whatever is not a good thing. It’s not like it’s always very productive to do so anyway.

YABU to say mums shouldn’t be looking at promotions though. I had 2 one when I had an 18 month old and was pregnant with my second and one when they were 4 & 6. It’s definitely possible to both be committed while at work to that and to have a clear cutoff when you stop and move to focusing on the kids/home life and many parents do that.

You and your OH are a team. It’s highly doubtful his work is truly that inflexible all the time that he can’t share the household/childcare load. My OH worked somewhere when kids were small that suggested his wife could do it first time he had to leave to pick up a poorly toddle from nursery. I couldn’t as I was out of the country on a work trip but he did say upfront to his manager that if I were not away he’d be going anyway because I covered the last bug and we would be taking turns. Fathers have the same right to parental leave as mothers. Ultimately if your OHs work is that poor at recognising men can also be parents and totally inflexible he could look to move roles. It’s what my OH did and then we both had a period of part time when we had 2 in nursery.

Bet her partner who hasn't even changed his work hours is completely unaffected and working as normal...

As she is doing all nursery drop offs then I think we can assume this is the case.

The problem is with the husband not her employer.

In these kinds of situations, I’ve learned to give myself 24h to calm down, so I don’t react emotionally.

Then when I have calmed down explain why they were wrong to say it, and why.

Not even really just to make my point, but for future situations when similar tactless comments might result in a negative situation.

It's absolutely fine for you to not want a promotion at this time in your life.
However, it's wrong ( not to mention discriminatory if presumed by an employer ) to assume all mothers of young children feel the same.

Don't blame you, but if this is a common feeling / attitude can we really blame workplaces for not rushing to hire mums with young kids. Bet her partner who hasn't even changed his work hours is completely unaffected and working as normal...

If anything I brought more quality versus quantity. I got a lot more discerning on applying resources (my time) to areas that just needed to be culled, I learnt to stop fire fighting, say no unless projects were properly resourced, and to step back a bit more.

I brought better quality as I had to be much more time sensitive. I brought an energy to prove to myself "I still had it".

I have progressed four levels since my second child ten years ago. Becoming a mother made me want to personally succeed career wise for them and myself. Happy mother happy children!

You just need to figure out what will make you happy but please don't assume mothers are a homogeneous group. It doesn't sound like you are happy in your job or is it just a bump in confidence?

You didn't loose any of yourself in becoming a mother you gained but it may not be obvious at first.

It’s not a question of giving your time for free. It’s a question of giving your commitment to your job during working hours, which your employer has every right to expect in return for your salary.

You put back the case for equality if you say that you aren’t committed to the work you’re being paid for when you’re in the workplace. Having equal opportunities means equal responsibilities, including those to your employer, as well as to your family. You aren’t a special case because you’re a parent.

By all means, decline any promotion if you feel that you can’t accept more responsibility. But don’t short change your employer. As a PP said, there are some jobs and careers in which lack of commitment could be unfair at best and catastrophic at worst.

There’s a long way between bare minimum and 110%, going for a promotion. I’m all for aiming for good enough as realistic when you’re still sleep deprived and every other week there’s a new sickness bug come home, but bare minimum sounds like taking the piss a bit. I expect to give as much as I realistically can during my working hours, but not to work considerably over those.

Also, a year is long time in toddlerville. I struggled with balancing work when DS was a young toddler (also Covid didn’t help) but also managed to get a promotion by the time he was 3.

“I cannot give my all in work when I’m also a mother to a very young child. I feel like it’s a joke to even expect this from a mother. Yes I know it’s business etc etc but what is expected of working parents (usually mothers) is not realistic.”

YABU. I am just as able to do my job well as my male and childless colleagues.

I am very busy. I don’t get much downtime. It’s not easy.

But let’s not expect less from mothers just because they are mothers. Accommodations for managing childcare etc? Sure. Inability to attend an evening event? Fine.

But not as able to do the job? Come on.

YABU for generalising your feelings to all mothers. I maintain my boundaries at work, I leave on time and I work part time to spend more time with my DC, but I still give 100% when I'm working and I've been promoted twice since coming back from maternity leave.

Fine for you not to want to go for promotion at the moment, but please don't hold an attitude that all mothers want to coast or should be held back from professional progression.

YANBU, there's a lot to be said for doing what you're paid for, but doing it well. This has served me well over the past few years. To the extent I've turned down 2 offers of promotion.

I love my job, but find it easy, not too stressful and very flexible. It pays well but gives me lots of time with my family, I'm happy and that's far more important to me than the word Director in my job title or more money.

My boss and the company are happy, and by the sounds of things so is yours OP, they wouldn't mention promotion otherwise, so keep doing what you're doing and have a conversation with you boss, explain you're happy where you are whilst your dc are young, and you might be looking at furthering your career when your dc are older. Any boss worth their salt would understand and appreciate this.

In 1981 I applied for my dream job. I was 26. At interview I was asked if I was planning to have a family in the next few years. That question used to be allowed. And had I said that I was, I would not have been offered the job.

People like you are the reason that employers got away with that. Women fought and fought to be seen as equal to men in the workplace. And you want to tear up all that progress. It's sickening.

So you think that employers shouldn't offer promotions to mothers with young children?!

Women have fought for years for their employment rights but you want to roll that back because it's too much for you personally?

Wtf?

I have had several promotions after having my children - I think it actually made me better at my job because I got better at cutting through the crap and seeing what was really important. Also good people wanted to work for me because I was very willing to offer good people opportunities to shine because I couldn't be everywhere and getting a good team is a big part of doing well in a senior role.