To think most working mums are overwhelmed?

I work almost full time in a full on job with a commute, have 2 children and an elderly parent (not local) who is increasingly more dependent.

We recently tried to do some well overdue decorating/ updating of out house and it's all felt too much on top of what already feels like 3 jobs ( job/running house/ caring fir elderly parent).

There is no space to breathe.

Completely agree. My eldest in 9yo, but life has changed since she was born - the pandemic, cost of living, climate change (isn't an abstract concept - its here).

If you can't get a stable job, or get on the housing ladder, why would you want make like more unstable with a child? Working full-time with a young child and no family support sucks.

My friendship group all had children at a simiilar time. If I would have waited, I would have seen he sacrifices and the toll having a child takes on my friends.

Both mine and DH brothers are not having children and I'm seeing far more people my age late 30s/40s who are definite being a parent is not for them.

I've never thought about this but I think you are absolutely right!

You don’t know her whole story or life. People can still be reluctant to talk about mental health, the impact of childhood abuse or significant life events that have occurred to them. For them, life is a struggle. It is for most people. It’s good she was open with you.

Yes someone I manage said to me this week "it's only me and my husband so it's really hard."
I found that really bizarre. 2 adults to look after one 17 year old and she only works 30 hours a week. Her husband loves DIY so does that, the cooking and any decorating.
I know plenty of single parents working many more hours than that and there are no other adults to help out. They are also doing everything around the house so to me the lady from work is in an extremely privileged position.
I'm sure this lady meant she had no other family support to help her other than her husband but I found it very strange that she would need for example a gran as well as 2 adults to look after one child and run the noise. She has already said they have a cleaner. Her 17 year old also drives having had her lessons paid for by her grandad so she isn't having to drive her around anywhere.
Anyway we have put support measures in for her at work to help her even though it's a low stress job and she has said she doesn't find the job itself challenging. That opened my eyes to the fact that most working people struggle and think things are hard even if on paper it's surprising that they struggle.

It’s this for me, without the additional burden of a lazy and bad tempered fucker, my life became really easy, actually.

3 teenagers, who meet their Dad occasionally for coffee or dinner, but never stay at his.

I had two dd in my very early twenties. Worked full time, stayed on top of house managed kids. Dad was useless then he left but had them eow until they were teens. So I then had a social life too and on my weekend's 'off' would date, go out drinking with friends and have weekends away. I don't remember feeling tired or overwhelmed although they were fairly easy kids.

I had one ds in my late thirties with a supportive dh (although tbf not great at housework and works long hours) Ds does have Sen which complicates things but I ended up reducing work to 14 hours a week. I am permanently exhausted. Between ds, house work, supporting my elderly parents I rarely have the energy to socialise.

I think it's a combination of ds needs being more challenging, and me being older. Having a child in your thirties compared to your twenties is so much harder physically and mentally. Then throw in that I'm now mid forties and in peri. Life is not easy currently.

Apparently, we are most unhappy in our late 40s, I am at the rock bottom now. I have teens, unwell parents, worrying about money, and retirement.

I am honestly not sure if I want children if I had my time again unless I was very rich.

Drop of birth rate means fewer people working, paying tax into the system, hence state pension, even your private pension (higher tax charge) will be st risk.

Major structural, societal changes need to happen because young women are watching this now are having a very clear eyed view of the reality of motherhood today and will just completely stop having children. Why on earth would anyone voluntarily put themselves through this now?!

We are already beginning to see the birthrate drop off a cliff, indicating we are now following countries like Japan, and no one is prepared to look at the insufferable pressure on women today.

I won’t be recommending motherhood to my dds unless they are insanely rich.

I think it’s the constant multitasking. Remembering too many things all at once - not enough free head space.

For us and most of our friends we found it much harder as the dc became teens, dealing with sick parents. Seriously running out of personal energy and with older dc it’s a whole new ball game. Relearning how to parent from scratch, as teens require a different skillset. I worry much more than I did when they were young,the early years feel like a dream as their needs are pretty basic.

We are now in our very early 50s and feel the pressure keenly. Dh very hands on but there is an impossible amount to do. All of the time.

One theory I've had is that some people need a lot less down time. I can think of some friends who work in the day, parent in the evening and then do housework after bedtime. Neither me nor my DH would cope with this for very long, we need to rest in the evening. That said I don't know if any of my more on the go friends are self medicating with alcohol to do it.

@Bluesandwhites 'Do you get help and support from friends and family, Meadowfinch?'

No. No family within helping distance and I've stayed single because the only time I tried to date, the man concerned kept trying to push ds out.

I have friends but they have their hands full too. At least I don't have to cope with the nonsense they put up with from their husbands. Watching them, I'm relieved I'm single.

I honestly think being a lone parent is easier. Hard work but mostly positive.

Of course. It's a preposterous situation we have gotten into.

• "Hey, new Mother, you need to do two jobs now. One is 24/7 and the other is 8/5."

-"ok, that doesn't add up though, I'll be working more hours than are in a week. It's actually not possible without changing the fabric of time"

• "yeah, that's how we designed it. You want a home and food don't you?"

• "I need a home and food, I just had a baby"

Yes, definitely. I've cut my hours to 0.9FTE but still cut a lot of corners. Sometimes I think I'd be better off doing full time and employing someone to garden and clean. But I like the extra day off.

YANBU. I used to think I could have it all. I'm single with a 9 and 6 year old. Ex does have them EOW and some holidays but most of it is up to me. I don't get maintenance. I work 30 hours over 5 days and I'm hoping to change it to 30 hours over 4 days because I am struggling to cope as it is. I realise that sounds pathetic but I am so done with feeling guilty about it and feeling like I should be working longer hours. I just know I wouldn't cope and neither would the kids. I wish that I had picked a better father for my children but I can't (and wouldn't) change it. But god, it's hard. My job is getting increasingly high pressured, which I didn't necessarily want but I needed to move up the pay scales financially. if my children turn into happy well adjusted adults then it will be all worth it but it's relentless at the moment.

I agree - when people complain about parents “slacking” at work or annoys me so much. As a parent - especially a mum, we are switched on 24/7. I spoke to a friend in her 60s - she has children and grandchildren - an elderly parent and had a children young but had (and still has!) a remarkable high profile career - I don’t know how she does it but she said “I think I have cronic sleeplessness and the job of a mother, a daughter and a grandmother never stops.” She admitted she loved her career but those 3 roles are everything to her.

Now my oldest is a teen I’m working part time but worked full time until she was about 7 (pandemic changed everything). I lived at home as my partner was absolutly useless - but without a support network or decent partner - it’s so difficult and exhausting!

Parents, not just mums. I think it gets more overwhelming with teens. It was certainly less overwhelming when dc were younger.

Do you get help and support from friends and family, Meadowfinch?

Well said @Vonesk

I'm very worried about my DD's health and nutrition, doing 2 jobs, with hardly any family time, however her DC will eventually become less dependant.

Absolutely feeling this very hard right now

Yep constantly overwhelmed here to OP!

I have a 7 year old and a 13 year old. It’s more the admin side for me, trying to remember all the different things that are going on at school and in their social lives. Oh and making sure there’s enough bloody food in the house! (Bread is always my weak spot!)

OP, I was you 10 yrs ago.... I have 4 teens
I work full time now, kids need less time, but obviously still need me or DH to manage everything at home
Add in eldery parents who live nearby into the mix and it's all consuming. There is just no me time. I think it still all falls to mothers / daughters and it can be exhausting.

Yes. 10 years and counting of being totally overwhelmed. As kids grow older it won't get easier (SEN). DH earns very well and I work almost full time because we have to pay for every single element of support we need - childcare, cleaning, additional teaching support at home, sports outside school as school barely provides, and assessments to prove that the children need extra help emotionally and academically which in itself is a full time job. No siblings and parents are elderly and in fragile health so there is that worry to deal with too.

Im older now and I think It know why. Women are Exploited, not cared for.
I remember how life was last century.
When a woman gave birth she moore than likely lived near family who helped. She stayed in hospital longer. It used to be normal to stay Two weeks in hospital.
Women now HAVE to work, ONE wage used to be enough to do everything.
The government are looking to be congratulated for funding day care places for 9 month babies. I think thats TRAGIC - w hy not fund MOTHERS to stay HOME with their Own Baby ?????????