To think most working mums are overwhelmed?

@aylis where does this pressure come from for you?

I don't think anyone (except my mother who worked full time herself!) has ever implied I was wrong for using childcare. It's absolutely the norm in my experience and circle

Yes. I'm less overwhelmed when I have wraparound or out of school care and that's the problem imo - not that women work, but the lack of societal support. We're encouraged to feel like shit for accessing any support that means we're not with our children 24/7, and encouraged to feel like shit for accessing any support that enables us to be with our children 24/7. Can't win. Parenting is hard, keeping a house is hard and working is hard. When women stepped into the workplace in greater numbers nobody picked up the slack in homes or communities.

I work 28 hours a week. Three kids (16, 14 and 12). The 14 and 12 year old have complex Sen and attend a Sen school. The youngest has the mental age of a 1 year old and is very challenging and hard work. I do all after school care as they can’t access any afterschool care.

I only work term time so I have them in the holidays as well. DH does pitch in but he has a very senior job and isn’t around as much.

I’m on my knees with tiredness. My job is busy and full on as are my kids. My kids say I’m snappy and I’m always feeling on edge. My DH offers me time out but I just can’t find the energy to do anything at the weekend. In short, I feel broken, tearful and overwhelmed.

YANBU I feel totally overwhelmed and I only work part time! But I also care full time for my mum as well as my 6 yr old and frankly she’s harder work than he is

I agree. I'm 48 with a 10 and 12yo and no sign of things getting easier. Just as the cost of childcare went down, the cost of living went up, and it also feels more expensive to buy clothes etc for them. DH is 58 and I think feeling his age. We've never had any family help and now we both have old parents (mid 80s) who are starting to have serious health problems and lean on us. 12yo has ASD and changed a lot in the past year to be very hormonal and grumpy, and struggling with school, friends, self care - everything! She's not responsible and needs a lot more support than NT 12yo. I am honestly dreading the teen years where the DC need us and so do our parents. I tell myself in 10 years, our DP will probably all be dead and the DC independent. But that doesn't make me feel any better!

Utterly overwhelmed and very close to breaking point - 2 teens, one with severe mental health problems who wants my attention 24/7 and inclines towards self harm if she doesn't have it, plus increasingly ill and needy parents and in laws. I just spent 15 hours with one in the ED overnight, zero sleep, and then when I get home DD wants me to do stuff for her and is stressed because I left her. I'll still need to go out and sort shopping etc for parent who was unwell. The job barely comes in to it, but we need the money to pay for therapy etc, as the NHS is so disastrous (see also 15 hours in ED).

I think being a non working mum is overwhelming let alone a working mum!

I don't get the argument that school isn't childcare as I thought there were different rules for jobseekers once their children were school age. At least there were when I was claiming.

@Meadowfinch

Yes, regarding being a single parent, i think of all the children being brought up during the 2 world wars, with the mothers being the head of the households. If the fathers survived the wars and returned home, the children didn't know, or could not remember these men who suddenly appeared and altered the accepted order, acknowledging that many families were overjoyed to have these husbands and fathers back.

I'm dreading DS starting school for this reason. What use is a holiday club that only operates between 10-3? 😩
It really grinds my gears when posters stick their nose in the air and declare "school isn't childcare you know".
Well, yes, the primary function is education but let's not pretend our whole socioeconomic model isn't built around certain working hours and holiday entitlements, or that work is a choice for most people.
It's as if the whole thing has been carefully thought through to cause maximum possible stress.

And yes - I'm afraid to those of you with DC in nursery, it gets harder once they are in school -IME at least. More demands from school, homework, trips to be aware of, friendship dramas, and wrap around care that doesn't always fit! It's endless!

Yes! Two DC in early primary years. Both DH and I work FT. I went back FT over a year ago as got a new job and it was only available as a FT post. Was four days a week before that. Losing that one extra day has made a big difference. Even despite my role being hybrid, a very understanding boss and a DH who (mostly) does his share, it is exhausting. We stay on top of it because of planning but if one of us gets ill, the wheels can easily come off. I feel anxious all the time. No family nearby to help.

I'd like to go down to PT in a few years, selfishly I guess I'm enjoying the chance to progress my career as it had stalled due to mat leaves. So it is a choice and we could manage with less money.

I suppose the obvious question is if the government realised so much more needed to done and offered you any solution to design a society that would fit around you and your family needs what would it look like?

Yeh it's really hard. Really really hard.

I think we want to do something just for us but every assignment I think I’m going to scrape a pass. My imposter syndrome is ridiculous as I’m actually getting distinctions yet still massively doubt I’m “good enough”. I’m hoping at the end I’ll finally believe I am good enough 🙄

This is why I stopped with one child. I feel like I can juuuuust about balance working full time with an almost four year old. I didn’t want to become tired and resentful.

Yanbu.

I think modern life is so overwhelming. Some people are really prone to picking up on stimuli that contributes to this . Our phones and devices give off light , heat and sounds. It isn't just that some people are less able to cope.

I've been feeling like a total failure recently but I do keep reminding myself that if I had a nanny that tried to be a housekeeper on top I'd not be very pleased. Nor would I be happy if the housekeeper took on nanny duties and left the actual housekeeping at her arse.
And yet I'm expecting myself to work 30 hours a week, be a top nanny and housekeeper (and the rest!) while balancing the kids on my head and remembering to feel grateful.
It's madness. Cajoling DH along every step of the way when he's in one of his "foot off the gas" phases is hard work too. He's great when he's on it, but he will just tap out unexpectedly every so often when the music stops..it's infuriating.

I don't know. It's absolutely hard and there's never any time. But whether I
feel more overwhelmed being a working mum than I would as a SAHM I don't know - I suspect not. For me I think the work / family juggle helps me keep everything in perspective and appreciate my family more.

I feel busy but not overwhelmed. I think the main factors for me are:

DH genuinely does his share, including admin

We are well paid so outsource things - cleaning, DIY

We live in an area with lots of childcare options (this was partly why we chose it) - the school wraparound is excellent with no waiting list, there are several holiday clubs within easy walking distance

We don't have family support but we are comfortable paying for babysitters

We hybrid work

As a PP said, some people need more rest than others, neither of us need that much

Not trying to say we never have a bad day or anything but life feels fairly manageable.

I honestly think my life would be easier without DH (but I love him so I’m keeping him for now 🤪)
We have 2 ND DS’s and DH really struggles to understand and communicate with them. When he tries he usually makes things worse then I have to pick up the pieces or talk the youngest one down from high stress or sometimes rage. He’s learning, slowly what their triggers are but it’s all a bit too little a bit too late as they’re 16 and 24 now!

I felt it was a bit too much for me at the baby and toddler stage, but didn't feel overwhelmed after that. XH had no input as he was in prison for DV, and to be honest, being a single parent was fantastic in contrast. I had an ND DC which added to the pressures I guess, but again, everything felt manageable and I was really happy.

Like a pp my life got infinitely easier when I left my ex. Yes life is busy and being the sole carer for the kids and all of the mental load but my surroundings are calm not having to think of another adult.

I'm finding it easier the older the kids get as they are more independent and I carve out time just for me, whether that is a coffee in peace etc. I'm lucky that I have family around me to support in an emergency or if I need babysitting.

I did similar! I took on a foundation degree in my late 40’s, 2 ND kids and a ft job! Wtaf was I thinking? Also during that time I had to deal with a teen pregnancy (sons gf) and DM being diagnosed with leukaemia. Why do we do this shit to ourselves? I wouldn’t mind if it had led to a large wage increase or something but I already knew it wouldn’t!!

YANBU. And yet the women who choose a different path are labelled either selfish and short-sighted (childless) or lazy and short-sighted (SAHMs).