For not allowing mother to birth of baby

Your mum is a midwife and she works on the unit. She's clearly very anxious about you as she's only too aware of how some women are immediately after a c section. Many want and need their mums.

And many of us really, really, REALLY don't. Why do you think you know OP better than she knows herself?

She could support the OP by respecting her wishes.

Tell your mum in simple terms she is ruining this for you by putting her wants above your own. Tell her it's your decision and it's not a competition as to who sees baby the most etc. A few hours waiting to see the baby will not harm her and if she can't respect your wishes tell her you will request a change of hospital and will see her when you are ready to and the more she disrespects you the longer that is likely to be

I disagree.

We all have different relationships with our mothers.

Some new grandmothers will be an absolute godsend in the weeks following the birth of their new grandchild; others will only be a source of stress.

In my experience, the ones who are the most helpful are the ones who do what the new parents need, not what they themselves want to do. They respect the new parents' boundaries during and immediately after the birth, they wait to be invited, and when they are, they say, "What do you need?"

If the OP's mother is already trying to make the birth all about her and what she wants, any "help" she offers in the next few weeks and months will also be all about her and what she wants. If the OP and her partner don't establish firm boundaries now, her mother will be round 24/7 offering to hold the baby and being very forthcoming with her opinions about how everything should be done, but not necessarily doing more helpful but boring things such as cooking a meal or doing a supermarket shop. If all she's going to do is interfere with the OP and her partner's time getting to know their baby and establishing feeding etc, that's not actually helpful.

Your mum is a midwife and she works on the unit. She's clearly very anxious about you as she's only too aware of how some women are immediately after a c section. Many want and need their mums.

Her colleagues will expect her to be equally excited and nervous. They will be surprised at you not allowing her to be around, although too professional to say anything.

FWIW my DDs asked their DHs to phone me to come in as soon as the baby was born, not to see the baby as such, but because they just wanted their mum after the biggest event of their lives.

Your entrenched attitude could harm your relationship with her and when you really need help she may feel reluctant to give it.

Many of you are painting her as a narcissistic woman who doesn't care about your feelings. As a mum and grandmother I know she's very nervous and just wants to support YOU.

But her mothers feelings are not valid

Its not her birth, not her choice
She is selfish to be kicking up over being told to wait and making it all about her
She should be respecting the OP wishes on this.
Bet she would enforce the wishes of any of her patients but cos OP is her DD she isnt worthy of the same respect in her mothers eyes

Id actually be saying ignore my wishes and never meet the baby - simple

The people that stomp all over your boundaries and care more about themselves than you during your birth are rarely the ones to suddenly start prioritising you and being of any actual help or support to you when you need it. They're the ones that think cuddling your baby for you while you clean up and make them cuppas is a favour.

Surely in her profession she should be used to hearing patients' wishes regarding this exact scenario and maybe even having an active role in keeping unwanted visitors at bay. So wtf is she thinking? She knows there are no such thing as grandparents' rights.

YANBU I'd inform the midwives when you arrive that your mums being a bit batshit and not listening to your boundaries. Could they please not let her visit. Otherwise she's likely to just turn up and they don't know not to let her in.

I’m not sure the OP has said her mother is a midwife has she?

I’d be crystal clear with my birthing team that mother isn’t allowed to hold the baby before you if she does turn up. You’d never forgive that.

This. She sounds batshit and entitled.

Has she always been like this? You don't need this now; you should be focusing on yourself and your birth.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom

She is entitled to whatever she wants, it’s her baby and her right.

My point is it may backfire on her if she is unwilling to acknowledge her mother’s feelings as valid and work with her to a solution.

It’s easy when you are in a hospital with doctors, nurses, husband and flocks of family wanting to see newborn.

It’s not so easy when baby is 3wks, you haven’t slept more than 2hrs a night in a week, your wound is infected, you’re constipated due to pain relief, you can’t drive to escape, you can’t hold the baby for long but they won’t stop crying, you’re hungry but can’t get a minute to make anything, husband back at work, novelty of newborn worn off so nobody cares…. Except your Mum, they normally show up at this point if able and living near.

So I am saying do what you want, but be wary that you could be cutting off your nose to spite your face in the long run.

If she's an HCP then she should know that this is unacceptable. She shouldn't be anywhere near until you're ready. If she persists, I would contact the unit and let the MW in charge know your concerns so that they can 'manage' her work load on that day if she is working/ or can remind her that she needs to keep out. Also mention it to the surgeons/anaesthetists and they'll put their foot down too. It's not an unusual scenario on labour wards and most of the MWs at least know the deal.

She sounds horrible to deal with

Your birth, your choice

No.

The last thing @FunSeal needs to do is prioritize her mother’s feelings over her own. As a midwife, her mother should be putting her daughter’s feelings ahead of her own. Instead of supporting her daughter, she’s trying to make herself a primary focus. It’s absolutely ridiculous.

As both a grandmother and midwife, supporting her daughter should be her first concern. Instead, she’s throwing a tantrum and insulting not only her daughter, but her son in law and his mother! OP isn’t responsible for her mother’s behaviour in the slightest. That’s completely her mother’s fault.

@FunSeal giving birth isn’t about her mother or meeting whatever expectations her mother has about it. Shouldn’t even be on her radar of things to be concerned about.

Of all days, one would think that the day a woman gives birth, she can put her feelings first, not have to buckle under to what someone else wants

Yes but it's not about what the OP's mum wants. It's about what the OP wants.

The OP says she doesn't want her mum to be hanging around or visiting before she's ready, and her mum should respect that.

Why on earth should the OP have to compromise on this?

If her mum is stressing her out about this, she probably won't be all that helpful after the birth either.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom

I had a traumatic birth which ended in caesarean. At the point where I was going down to theatre I really wanted my Mum but I couldn’t vocalise it.

A scheduled caesarean should be more straightforward, but never the less you can’t prepare yourself for the emotion you feel when having a baby, nor what it feels like for surgery, how the drugs make you feel, the level of pain after.

Her mother isn’t wanting to be in the room, she just wants to be close by, she can always say look mum come up to the ward after when we’ve had some time.

My point would be that, particularly when recovering from major surgery, she might need her Mum’s help and support quite a bit after birth… The newborn period can be like a car crash to the face, especially if breastfeeding, exhausting. If her Mum is a willing supporter it’s silly to push her away for the sake of idealised notions about births.

The extended family is so much more important when you have children.

This 100%

It would be a bit different if she had said she wanted to be there to support you or to make sure you are ok as giving birth is a big deal still and she wanted to be there for you as you are her 'baby'. However the level of batshittery coming out of her mouth re special privileges and grandparents rights is concerning and sounds like she's just out for herself and to see the baby.

Swap hospitals. She has no rights and you have the right to your birth as you want it. I'd put in the birth plan what you want re your mum. Professional and personal lines crossed here. Her line manager might need to know.

No this is not an unreasonable request from you.
As someone who worked in maternity for years I would mention to the staff on the day that your mum is on the unit but you would like her to be somewhere else until you are ready. They have a duty of care to you

She knows she doesn’t have the rights she says she does, and she knows you should be supported to have who you want at your birth. It wouldn’t be possible for her to work where she does and not know this. I’d tell your midwife and see DM the next day, and I’d also talk to DM and explain you understand she’s worried and excited but that she’s making your big day all about her feelings and what’s happening to her and you’d like her to think about what being a good mum and grandmother actually looks like in this instance. Tell your sister she’s really disappointed you by making an upsetting situation worse and you expect her to help you be happy with the decisions you have made which means helping your mum feel happy to do as you ask not fuelling her upset.
I wish you a safe and easy birth and recovery. Focus on your baby the world will sort itself out.

Well it's not hard to see why you don't want her there. YANBU.

Ok, so she if she's like I was, part of it will be concern and part of it will be excitement and love. I'm sure it all comes from a very good place.

If she's not normally batshit then please bear that in mind.

But she IS being batshit, and she's casting blame all around, and breaking the promise she made. There is no 'good place' if she's doing that.

I'm a GP. It's massively exciting and worrying on the day. But the rest of us don't have the opportunity to lurk next to the theatre, nor would we against our DD's wishes.

I'm not sure why so many people think that OP doesn't recognise what she wants and will somehow be magically grateful that she's there. Had my mum been there it would have ruined both my birth experience and our relationship.