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Original poster

A son is a son until he finds a wife, a daughter is a daughter for life

284 replies

Eminemmilkshake · 10/04/2024 19:20

AIBU to find this comment offensive, sexist and untrue?
Its something DH family say often, suggesting I have ‘taken’ him from them and that my son will be taken one day too. Apparently my DDs will never leave.
My eldest DD is a teen and spends a lot of time with her boyfriend. I rarely spent time at home as a teen and I eventually went NC with my parents for various reasons. I know plenty of men who spend more time with their parents than their sisters do. Outdated comments like this need to stop being spouted, have any of you been the focus of this statement?

OP posts:
DramaLlamaBangBang · 10/04/2024 21:12

BernardBlacksBreakfastWine · 10/04/2024 21:09

Sure. But how can you never have heard it?! There are plenty of crappy sayings that need to die a death; doesn’t mean I haven’t heard of them!

Show quote history

This saying really does need to die a death, yet it just refuses to die!

DramaLlamaBangBang · 10/04/2024 21:10

Screamingabdabz · 10/04/2024 20:39

All the people saying ‘bullshit’ and ‘rubbish’ are clearly blind to all the DILs who post on MN fuming and moaning that their DH’s mother has had the temerity to knock on the door, or buy a present for the grandchild without asking, or feed them tea with a spoon of sugar (oh the fucking horror) - it goes on and on.

It should actually be.. “A son is a son until he marries some controlling woman who hates her husband’s mother and always resents everything she does. The poor mother, who has put her life and soul into bringing that lad up suddenly can’t do right for doing wrong (and will never know why because the DIL never says anything to her face. It’s always passive aggressive pouts and strained coded conversations or texts from the afore mentioned son.) The son, who has to live with the controlling wife thinks it’s just not worth the hassle inviting his parents round or asking them to babysit anymore so just doesn’t bother… Meanwhile, daughters never seem to bring that level of shit and heartbreak to the door.”

Surely their wives are ' daughters' to someone. So instead of ' bringing the shit ' to their door, they are sweetness and light to their own mothers and are just being nasty bitches to someone else's mother are they?

BernardBlacksBreakfastWine · 10/04/2024 21:09

gannett · 10/04/2024 21:02

None of my peer group or social circle would dream of trotting out weird sexist sayings like that.

Show quote history

Sure. But how can you never have heard it?! There are plenty of crappy sayings that need to die a death; doesn’t mean I haven’t heard of them!

laclochette · 10/04/2024 21:08

Absolute twaddle. My partner's family are actually closer to him now that we are together than when he was single!

Original poster
Eminemmilkshake · 10/04/2024 21:07

Lots of mixed experiences! It’s sad to read some of you have experienced this as true in your family. I know it dates back to when women would stay with the family, cook, clean, look after siblings etc while the boys grew up and left for their wives family, I just would have hoped in 2024 there wasn’t still people bleating this nonsense and blaming women for everything a man does wrong!
I get on great with MIL, don’t get me wrong, she treats me like a daughter and I enjoy time with her. But she still views me as stealing her son, as if he’d still be living in her house, sleeping in a single bed and playing with his toy cars otherwise. Some MIL are treated awful I’ve read a lot of threads on here, but some of them really don’t help themselves.
Like a PP I don’t have anything to do with my mother but my brother has never left her side. perhaps me never experiencing that sort of mother daughter relationship has affected my views. If the saying is true in some cases then I’d always assume it’s because of poor behaviour on the MIL side more than the assumption the DIL stole the son. I find a lot more men are living at home with parents for longer these days too.

OP posts:
VivienneDelacroix · 10/04/2024 21:04

I really hate this phrase. My mother quoted it for years, and it felt like her giving my brother permission to live his own life whilst I should remain obligated to her. (I know this isn't the point of the saying, but it's how my mother used it). I'm in my late 40s and still feel my life will never be my own whilst she's alive.
Meanwhile my brother is the prodigal son who sees her twice a year, but can do no wrong.

Nori10 · 10/04/2024 21:03

Well, from my own family and observations of other families, I see more women being proactive with their relationship with their parents (their mother's in particular) and the men are more reactive (their mum calling them, initiating visits etc...). It's not all sons and not all daughters of course, but a trend / pattern that I've observed enough to think that I can see where the saying came from, even if it's an exaggeration of what tends to occur.

gannett · 10/04/2024 21:02

BernardBlacksBreakfastWine · 10/04/2024 20:57

If you’d literally never heard this saying before MN, I’m sorry, but you’re either very young or you live under a rock! It’s hard to take your argument seriously for that reason (and also for the reason that sexist tropes did underpin behaviour for eons and are now only partially dismantled).

Show quote history

None of my peer group or social circle would dream of trotting out weird sexist sayings like that.

ZiriForGood · 10/04/2024 21:01

Kind of... it seems women are on average more active in keeping active family connections including gifts, cards, messages, ...

I understand keeping contact with his side of family to be my partner's job. As a result, the contact is different.

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/04/2024 21:00

Absolute sexist crap.

labamba007 · 10/04/2024 21:00

Unpopular opinion but sometimes a self-fulfilling-prophecy. My husband's mum has said that phrase to him all his life and she much favoured his sister. So naturally he pulled away. And she still keeps on saying that phrase.

Greenfinch7 · 10/04/2024 20:58

There is truth in it, in my experience, though I know some exceptions for sure!

BernardBlacksBreakfastWine · 10/04/2024 20:57

gannett · 10/04/2024 20:54

Other way round.

Like a lot of "old-fashioned sayings", what underpins it isn't logic or reality but a bunch of sexist and normative assumptions. It happens to be true in some cases and people who prize conformity extrapolate it as a general rule.

I had never heard it before MN.

The other week I was having dinner with friends and five of us (four women and one man) were bonding over out difficult-to-non-existent relationships with our mothers. The only person at the table with a healthy relationship with his mum was a man.

Show quote history

If you’d literally never heard this saying before MN, I’m sorry, but you’re either very young or you live under a rock! It’s hard to take your argument seriously for that reason (and also for the reason that sexist tropes did underpin behaviour for eons and are now only partially dismantled).

UncomfortablyBig882 · 10/04/2024 20:56

I think it's broadly true BUT it sort of blames the woman for yet another failing of men and absolves men of any wider family responsibilities.

Access to the family somehow has to go through a vagina like it's some kind of portal for my in laws🙄

OnHerSolidFoundations · 10/04/2024 20:56

@gannett now I come to think of it a lot of my female friends have very difficult relationships with their mothers. I really can't relate to them.

Bouledeneige · 10/04/2024 20:55

True with my DC - but he didn't have to get married.

OnHerSolidFoundations · 10/04/2024 20:54

I'd hardly start a thread proclaiming how marvellous all the sons in my family are and how wonderful the elder ladies are too. We are just getting on with life.

Mum2jenny · 10/04/2024 20:54

I think there may be truth in this as my dd is very much wanting/ needing support whilst my ds is a bit more independent

gannett · 10/04/2024 20:54

Iwonderwhere · 10/04/2024 19:41

Unpopular view but I think like a lot of sayings while it isn’t true all the time there’s some truth in it.

I think a lot of more intelligent mammals have a similar theme actually with the females staying in the herd or whatever while the males leave.

Other way round.

Like a lot of "old-fashioned sayings", what underpins it isn't logic or reality but a bunch of sexist and normative assumptions. It happens to be true in some cases and people who prize conformity extrapolate it as a general rule.

I had never heard it before MN.

The other week I was having dinner with friends and five of us (four women and one man) were bonding over out difficult-to-non-existent relationships with our mothers. The only person at the table with a healthy relationship with his mum was a man.

OnHerSolidFoundations · 10/04/2024 20:53

Maybe the unhappy people just post more?

Sweetheart7 · 10/04/2024 20:52

Maybe the word "take" is getting peoples back up. There's no denying that in adulthood most men won't want to walk round the shops with their mum. Yeah they may go for dinner and a coffee just not like you would with a daughter.

I think people are taking this too literal. I'm saying this as a mum of one to a 9 year old DS too.

BernardBlacksBreakfastWine · 10/04/2024 20:52

OnHerSolidFoundations · 10/04/2024 20:49

Oh shut up!
My aunt had 3 boys.
All married.
All call her. All visit her. One calls her every day.

Well, that’s that then! All the blindingly obvious evidence that we see around us every day of daughters supporting and looking after their elderly parents while the sons quietly carry on living their own lives with impunity has been blown out of the water!

feileacan · 10/04/2024 20:52

I do notice that when parents are elderly- over 85 and need hands on care, if a family member steps up its usually a daughter/daughters. Sons might be involved but the daughter takes the lead role. Have seen this in quite a few families.
There was a chilling statistic on mumsnet a while back that men are far more likely to leave a woman if she got cancer than vice versa. Not sure how true that is....

OnHerSolidFoundations · 10/04/2024 20:51

My MIL has a very dominant personality. But, she has always been full of admiration for me and calls me her daughter.
She's been the most doting grandmother too.
I am happy to spend time with her. To holiday with her. To call her and chat.

BernardBlacksBreakfastWine · 10/04/2024 20:50

Screamingabdabz · 10/04/2024 20:39

All the people saying ‘bullshit’ and ‘rubbish’ are clearly blind to all the DILs who post on MN fuming and moaning that their DH’s mother has had the temerity to knock on the door, or buy a present for the grandchild without asking, or feed them tea with a spoon of sugar (oh the fucking horror) - it goes on and on.

It should actually be.. “A son is a son until he marries some controlling woman who hates her husband’s mother and always resents everything she does. The poor mother, who has put her life and soul into bringing that lad up suddenly can’t do right for doing wrong (and will never know why because the DIL never says anything to her face. It’s always passive aggressive pouts and strained coded conversations or texts from the afore mentioned son.) The son, who has to live with the controlling wife thinks it’s just not worth the hassle inviting his parents round or asking them to babysit anymore so just doesn’t bother… Meanwhile, daughters never seem to bring that level of shit and heartbreak to the door.”

There is nothing a man can do that cannot be blamed on a woman…