A son is a son until he finds a wife, a daughter is a daughter for life

Yes I thought it sounded really awful too - and basically made the point of the old saying even more luridly than the saying itself.

All I'm saying is I don't feel like MILs would take random pops at us if our husbands didn't care about us. Nothing wrong in seeing the silver lining 💁

@PBJsandwich123, I'm not sure that @Bigearringsbigsmile is missing the point at all. Your attitude towards your MIL sounds horrible... being "smug" because her son is besotted with you and she knows it?

Your MIL may well be competitive but you clearly are as well. Two grown women competing for attention from a man. How depressing.

You're completely missing my point 🙄 - she's competitive, I just sort of put up with it/push back if she crosses a line with her pushiness/rudeness. For someone who is constantly swerving into my lane we get on pretty ok. I'm kind to her and put up with her BS (up to a point), but part of the reason I do that is because I've presumed she feels threatened so I'm trying to be reassuring that she has no need to feel that way. If I thought it was coming from a place of spite I wouldn't entertain it at all. I don't agree that DILs should just roll over, we're both grown ups and while I'll be good natured I'm not going to pretend to go along with her pushing me around/ignoring my boundaries - that's dumb.

This kind of attitude is insane! Why do you feel like you're in competition with his mum? It's this kind of attitude that damages relationships.

@5128gap · Today 08:33

Its interesting how often the people claiming the saying is complete BS, and how fabulous the mother and son relationships are in their family, go on to describe various self policing measures they employ or intend to use to ensure it's that way.

The conclusion seems to be that the mother/married son relationship will be excellent provided the mother in question stays within certain behavioural guidelines. Always please your DiL, never assume you will be a priority for your son.

Never expect any more of his time than he and your DDil believe to be your due, accept you won't do certain things together anymore...which is great, and I'm sure does help with harmony.

What it doesn't do is discredit the saying.

Because I have never known of a woman apply all this to a married daughter, to worry about not displeasing their son-law, find the things they do with their adult child curtailed, and accept they have a new place in the daughter's affections that is lower than their son-in-Law. It's just not a thing that occurs to mothers of daughters in the same way. And that's what the saying means.

Yes to this. 100%!* *👏

Yes, yes because everyone knows men have no power or autonomy and only do as commanded.

It's got nothing to do with the fact that seeing their family involves future planning, balancing family time, social planning and many men either fail to do this at all for their own families, or fail to be realistic or leave it to their fenale partner who, surprise, surprise is unlikely to priortise seeing people not her relatives.

No, no, it's because we are all bitches. Until we become mil. Then saints who no one needs ever drawn a boundary with.

What an odd way to interpret the saying.

It comes from men’s lack of interest in the domestic/family element of life. Hence, once a man has a new woman to rely on (his wife), he doesn’t bother to stay in contact with his mother.

Obviously it is less the case than it was historically due to social change.

But it’s not about ‘nasty women’ at all 🙄For one thing, what makes you think that a wife being close to her own parents precludes the husband being close to his parents? Presumably he has free will?

The rule might not apply to all but it certainly applies to most.
You don't have to look far to find threads of woman writing about how they don't want to see their MIL more than once a month or once a week or how they don't want to visit their MIL on Christmas day. There's alot of nasty woman in this world that want it to be them and their husband and babies and their own mother.

Sounds like your MIL is jealous, she should grow up and get over herself. However your husband must love you if she feels threatened so I guess in a way that's a compliment (?) 😉 my MIL is a bit of a prick at times, but it just makes me feel smug as her son is bessoted with me and she knows it, and plus I always punch back (a good-natured sparing sesh seems to keep her in check, for the most part)

This!
Its true in many families that I know of.
I adored my MIL and I made more of an effort with her than my husband when she was alive but if I hadn't he would have rarely seen her.
I have 5 close girlfriends, every one of them can't stand their MIL's, two are no contact at all.
I work in an all female environment where there are daily complaints about MIL's and even my own sister hardly ever sees her sons now they are in relationships.

Exactly! I used to harass my oh to ring his mum, I’d encourage my toddler to speak to her on the phone etc as we lived a few hours apart.
We want to visit probably 6/7 years ago now and MIL cornered me to complain how she never hears of oh, when he was with his ex he’d ring daily and she’d see him at least once a week etc. (she much preferred his ex and was not happy with me as a dil but that’s a whole other story) that day I stopped telling him to ring her, I could count on my hands the amount of times he’s rang her since then, he replies if she texts and we see her a few times a year. That said I don’t ring my mother either, but when my dad was alive I spoke to him regularly and saw him most weeks, and I speak to my brother a few times a week.

I’m afraid I agree.

I personally think it has something to do with the fact that mothers generally ( only broadly speaking mind you SaHFs!) tend to attend to the greater part of looking after the children. That means there’s less “ cultural” ( in terms of family culture) difference between how the children are brought up- not necessarily big things but all the minutiae you absorbed from your upbringing but don’t think about that makes up a day like how high you fill the glass with juice for them. That tends to mean children slot more easily into life with maternal gp.

I get on well with my IL but definitely get more comments of surprise like “ oh are they still breastfeeding?” Or” oh do they still take teddy to bed?” ( that one was when dc was about 20 months! DH just didn’t have plush toys). They aren’t big issues - probably even just asked so the IL can make sure they are doing the right thing rather than to cast aspersions on it. But it isn’t as natural for me if, for instance, I had to leave dcs at short notice. I could push them through DM’s door and know she’d get 90per cent of those little, seemingly insignificant things right instinctively - because without even thinking I have absorbed her approach in my upbringing and passed them on.

Ime

Girls at (on a broad level) slightly better/more inclined at putting in effort to maintain family relationships.

How i see this play out amongst the families i know is:
The 25% of families with close relationships, both sons & daughters make the effort (and both parents) to maintain.
The 25% with poor relationships, no one keeps in touch well/makes effort be it sons, daughters, parents.
For a big chunk in the middle its a big mix, but in general a slightly higher proportion of daughters (and mothers) make the bulk of the effort to maintain relationships. The effort is higher on both sides between mothers & daughters so they tend to do slightly better than mothers & sons or fathers & sons.

My DH is a classic example. It just doesn't occur to him to call or text his parents that often. I try to coordinate to see them (we all get along well) but its not my job to make sure we do. He doesn't text or call me much either but because he lives with me the effort he has to make is that much lower....

His sister however makes much more effort to call/text her mum & dad and it fosters a closer relationship.

Well...It has been true for my brother and I. We were all close but my sister in law isn´t a sharer. My mum confided in me that if they ever had a child she was sure she would be able to see less of it that of mine, even though I live 600Km away. My brother is a softy with his wife and up to now has followed her lead. Now comes the disclaimer. My mum has been dianosed with Alzheimers and he has massively stepped up much to my SIL´s chagrin. He confessed to my aunt that he has had some problems with her as she objects to him spending so much time helping out his mother. So one never knows. I think this old saying has a center of truth, like all old sayings.

I’ve never heard this but it rings true in our family, my sister and I live very close to our parents and are at their house weekly, my brother we all went nc with after we found out he was abusive and manipulated his ex fiancée into thinking our parents were the abusive ones.

Its interesting how often the people claiming its complete BS, and how fabulous the mother and son relationships are in their family, go on to describe various self policing measures they employ or intend to use to ensure its that way. The conclusion seems to be that the mother/married son relationship will be excellent provided the mother in question stays within certain behavioural guidelines. Always please your DiL, never assume you will be a priority for your son. Never expect any more of his time than he and your DDil believe to be your due, accept you won't do certain things together anymore...which is great, and I'm sure does help with harmony.
What it doesn't do is discredit the saying. Because I have never known of a woman apply all this to a married daughter, to worry about not displeasing their SiL, find the things they do with their adult child curtailed (unless SiL is controlling, that is), and accept they have a new place in the daughters affections that is lower than their SiL. It's just not a thing that occurs to mothers of daughters in the same way. And that's what the saying means.

We spent more time with my dhs family over the years than my parents. My dh visits his parents (all live in same small town) more often than I visit mine but we all get on with each others parents. Its total nonsense.

Sexist yes. Bullshit no. In my family this is true sadly. Agree with previous posters highlighting mil posts and also husbands spending time with their mothers and demonised for it because they are not prioritising their wife/partner.

Good grief. Its just a saying based on truth. Yabvu to get offended by it. Pick a more worthy battle.

I actually do think that was the case a generation ago but it’s not now. My DH (47) has a wonderful relationship with his mum (and dad) and we see them as often as we can. My dad on the other hand would never visit his mum (my gran) if it wasn’t for my mum making him go. My mum is a better ‘daughter’ to my gran than her own children are. She has all boys who are in their 60’s and 70’s. It’s definitely an older generational thing.

It's a saying that's been around for many years when most families still lived close to each other, and then it was true. If you had a daughter, they'd always be spending all special events with their families after having kids, Sunday lunch etc and would remain close. Men who married and had kids would be doing the same at their wives family. I think nowadays with people living in different places, and relationship dynamics having changed, it's less true.

It’s a lot of shite IMO. I know lots of families just as close to the male partner’s parents as the female one. We are no longer blessed with my MIL sadly but she’d have been every much a part of our lives as my mum and dad.

For me, it has links to a Bible verse in Romans, I think, but I agree it's outdated.

Reading posts about GPS who do loads more for the children of their DDs rather than their DSs/DILs though, I think some people hang onto it too much, to justify fairly toxic behaviour.