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AIBU?

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Original poster

Stubborn MIL

103 replies

DS6DS3 · 10/04/2024 15:52

My mom in law normally has my son every Friday night for a sleepover, and my youngest DS on a weekday for a few hours.
A few weeks ago she had my youngest, and saw my eldest after school and said I'll see you Friday for our sleepover, bring your favourite toys we'll play before bedtime.
Friday comes along, MIL texts and says she can no longer have son as she has a party to go to...
I replied funny how all of the sudden last minute you have a party, and she said she only got invited the night before.
I replied with you only see my children when it's convenient for you, and she has a rant saying she is helping me out.
I don't see it like this, I see it as her seeing her grandsons.
AIBU that I haven't replied, baring in mind she hasn't even messaged me asking how they both are, when she hasn't seen them in 2 weeks.

OP posts:
Rickrolypoly · 10/04/2024 16:18

DS6DS3 · 10/04/2024 16:14

@itsgoingtobeabumpyride she goes out all the time actually.
And I haven't said she won't see my son's, she hasn't bothered messaging me or DH to ask about them, so that's not my fault

I wouldnt want to message someone who spoke to me like that.

Can you not see how rude you were even after all the feedback you've had on this thread? Are you not willing to see that your attitude stinks?

Original poster
DS6DS3 · 10/04/2024 16:17

@Greenbike thank you for that response, I guess like you said I didn't realise grandparents not being in grandchildren's lives as much as my son's was a huge thing TBF.

OP posts:
Greenbike · 10/04/2024 16:15

I think there’s a misalignment of expectations here. OP’s mother sees the DC every day and OP thinks this is normal, especially as it’s what she experienced growing up. OP’s MiL sees them every week (including an overnight for one child) and OP thinks this isn’t very much.

Everyone else on this thread thinks once a week is huge, especially as it seems to involve having sole charge of the DC for a few hours while OP goes somewhere else (“free childcare”).

Two different sets of expectations, based on two different family backgrounds.

OP it’s probably worth being aware that most grandparents see their GC much less than once a week, and your own mother is extremely unusual in seeing them every day. It sounds like you’re very lucky with both sets of grandparents! Your DC sound very lucky too. What a blessing to have two engaged and loving grandparents in your life so regularly.

MiL wanting the odd week off from Friday childcare doesn’t make her below average at all - she still sees your DC much more than most grandparents do, and by the sound of it contributes much more than average as well by having sole charge of them for a few hours. That might help to put this one time into perspective.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 10/04/2024 16:15

DS6DS3 · 10/04/2024 16:14

@itsgoingtobeabumpyride she goes out all the time actually.
And I haven't said she won't see my son's, she hasn't bothered messaging me or DH to ask about them, so that's not my fault

Yes but she also by the sounds of it has your son every Friday for a sleepover. That's a lot for a grandparent. You're extremely entitled and sound like a nightmare DIL.

Ineedcoffee2021 · 10/04/2024 16:15

DS6DS3 · 10/04/2024 16:14

@itsgoingtobeabumpyride she goes out all the time actually.
And I haven't said she won't see my son's, she hasn't bothered messaging me or DH to ask about them, so that's not my fault

who could blame her honestly

Original poster
DS6DS3 · 10/04/2024 16:14

@itsgoingtobeabumpyride she goes out all the time actually.
And I haven't said she won't see my son's, she hasn't bothered messaging me or DH to ask about them, so that's not my fault

OP posts:
Ineedcoffee2021 · 10/04/2024 16:14

DS6DS3 · 10/04/2024 16:13

She decided she wanted to have my son to sleepover every week, not me. And she decided to see my other son once a week, again not me.

she is also allowed to decide if she wants a night out
deciding once dont mean a permanent rule

Goldx2 · 10/04/2024 16:14

You are being totally unreasonable. She sounds like a wonderful grandmother.

Anith person asking for people’s opinions and then not liking it when they get them.

What a horrid DIL you are!!!

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 10/04/2024 16:13

Yikes.
She doesn't owe you anything. If she wants to go to a party she can, their your kids not hers!

Rickrolypoly · 10/04/2024 16:13

DS6DS3 · 10/04/2024 16:08

Love the messages about I hope your son doesn't marry someone like me 😂😂😂.
You don't know me, this is literally a message about how my MIL let my son down with an empty promise 😂

You're giving a pretty good insight into the person you are from these responses.

Moveoverdarlin · 10/04/2024 16:13

DS6DS3 · 10/04/2024 16:09

Just baffled by the responses tbh. I guess my mom wants to actually see my son's

Guess she does, but heaven forbid she gets a last minute invite to something more fun, because you’ll rip her a new one. Grandparents are allowed lives too.

Original poster
DS6DS3 · 10/04/2024 16:13

She decided she wanted to have my son to sleepover every week, not me. And she decided to see my other son once a week, again not me.

OP posts:
VestibuleVirgin · 10/04/2024 16:13

DS6DS3 · 10/04/2024 16:09

Just baffled by the responses tbh. I guess my mom wants to actually see my son's

Wants to see your son's what?

Crapuscular · 10/04/2024 16:13

Utterly rude.

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 10/04/2024 16:12

DS6DS3 · 10/04/2024 16:01

Right ok,
Looking at the responses , I thought seeing your grandparents was a normal thing?
I always used to see my grandparents a lot when I was younger.
I guess my son's will see her when they're old enough to walk over on their own then 😂😂😂

The last sentence says everything we need to know about you.
What a shame, I feel sorry for your mil.
She's allowed to cancel even last minute, she's allowed to have her own life, I assume she doesn't go to parties every week and she's got the opportunity to go to one, why would she miss out, oh yeah, because if she doesn't bow to your will your going to not let her see her dgc hence your last sentence.
Dreadful behaviour on your part.

ArtyWren · 10/04/2024 16:12

DS6DS3 · 10/04/2024 16:02

It's not free childcare though?
It's bonding between a grandparent and grandson?

But I don’t think you can dictate to her how much time she needs to be spending, with your children, bonding or not. Cleary she adores them and does spend time with them, but is also entitled to her own life. I would be annoyed too, at the last minute cancellation, but people are allowed to change their minds.

Original poster
DS6DS3 · 10/04/2024 16:12

@MyBreezyPombear yes at the same time 🤯

OP posts:
Ineedcoffee2021 · 10/04/2024 16:12

DS6DS3 · 10/04/2024 16:09

Just baffled by the responses tbh. I guess my mom wants to actually see my son's

Seems like she wants a night out actually or she would have declined the party...

idontlikealdi · 10/04/2024 16:12

Wow. So she can never go out on Friday now?

I'm astounded tbh.

MyBreezyPombear · 10/04/2024 16:11

DS6DS3 · 10/04/2024 16:09

Just baffled by the responses tbh. I guess my mom wants to actually see my son's

Does she have them overnight once a week?

Moveoverdarlin · 10/04/2024 16:11

Fuck me, this is off the scale rude. She sees your kids all the time. A sleep over every Friday? I’d have given my left arm for this when my children were younger. She has your youngest a lot too!

I would send a message saying.

Sorry Jane, I acted like an idiot the other day. Of course you should have gone to the party. I don’t know why I reacted the way I did, think I’m just overtired, although that’s not an excuse for what I said. I couldn’t manage without you and I’m grateful for how much you have the children. I’m sorry.

Ineedcoffee2021 · 10/04/2024 16:10

Wow.....

Its free childcare
its one night
your DS will be fine

Original poster
DS6DS3 · 10/04/2024 16:09

Just baffled by the responses tbh. I guess my mom wants to actually see my son's

OP posts:
Original poster
DS6DS3 · 10/04/2024 16:08

Love the messages about I hope your son doesn't marry someone like me 😂😂😂.
You don't know me, this is literally a message about how my MIL let my son down with an empty promise 😂

OP posts:
AnotherForumUser · 10/04/2024 16:08

I understand it may be disappointing for your son but it is most certainly childcare-she is looking after your children. But if it's 'not free childcare' I suggest you stop paying her. I believe overnight childcare is quite pricy so you'll be saving yourself a fortune won't you? You can use the money to pay someone else to have your children. Simple! If you aren't paying her she is doing YOU a favour (even if it involves your children) so suck it up buttercup. Your MIL is not your slave.