Page 6 | ExH child bride

Original poster

SorryNotSorryL · 10/04/2024 22:03

Thanks to all the replies- obviously my title went down like a lead balloon. It was meant to be a bit tongue in cheek. Yes obviously there are real child brides and that’s not funny- but if sh was an actual child and marrying him I don’t think I’d post about it on mumsnet. Perhaps I need to be much more literal and not try to engage in the funny/bizarre side of things….I did forget how sensitive MN can be - apologies for any offence, but also breathe a little.

As for court suggestions. He fougth me tooth an nail for 50\custody. I was repeatedly told I was unreasonable because there ‘was no risk’, no allegations of abuse etc etc. him being inconsistent and wholly inappropriate is not enough of a reason to try and limit his influence on DD. Think forgetting to pick her up from school in kindergarten, having porn hub stickers on his car window, leaving her sat on the beach for 8+ hours while he surfs and just asking any nearby person to keep an eye on her etc. the courts didn’t care. He got what he wanted on paper and never bothered to take it.

when I seek child support he starts to insist on having her more often and see above so I leave it alone. I don’t hold him to account financially to keep my kid safe.

i am from Europe and he says that children go missing all the time there (yes racism) but again I don’t want him to punish me with my daughter so I wait till she’s older.

I was also very naive when I met him and suckered in by the whirlwind romance and the pressure of being from overseas meant we got married quickly. He had no children then so I had no frame to base his parenting on. By the time I worked it all out I was pregnant and a long way from home and too scared and naive to try and leave. Threats for court orders to return DD etc.

I am not too sure about his other GFs and kids. I know for sure he has 2 children nearly exact same age -both 9 and a toddler in a different part of the country. There could be many more smarter women than me that ran for the hills with their babies

i appreciate that there are lots of people who have age gap relationships that work out, but can we be realistic and acknowledge that most of them are an absolute disaster.

yes she seems very lovely. I have a twenty year old niece who is also very lovely but I would have a heart attack if she decides to make home with a man like my ExH. I would also talk to her about the importance of a child’s feelings. They are not someone you try to impress and fall in love with you because you think this will make their dad love you more. You treat them with care and respect as an individual and honour the great responsibility you have by inviting themself in their life….. but this is too much expectation for someone so young… you learn these lessons in life by making mistakes and I am extremely worried that my daughter is to be one of those mistakes that this girl will look back on in twenty years and cringe at how she behaves towards her.

it’s all very sad and yucky. My sorry to the title but I am shocked to continue to be shocked by this man.

OP posts:

SusieLawson · 10/04/2024 21:56

coldcallerbaiter · 10/04/2024 13:50

19 and 38 gross. Be surprised if it lasts. Her parents will be concerned too.

I know everybody is different, but when I was 19, a man that age would have seemed really old, but also, what could an old man who already has many children by different women offer her?
The idea of a step daughter might seem nice to an older woman, but she could meet a younger man without so many responsibilities.

Imnotarestaurant · 10/04/2024 21:56

Ridiculous title.

Whatever you think of the age gap, she’s not a child bride.

Ottersmith · 10/04/2024 21:54

You are letting him control you. You should take him back to court to change the custody and you should definitely visit your family. What do you mean it escalates him? Is tip-toeing on eggshells to appease him helping your daughter?

Original poster

SorryNotSorryL · 10/04/2024 21:36

tennesseewhiskey1 · 10/04/2024 17:05

I mean. It’s young but not illegal. What would you rather - her be nasty towards your DD? Sounds like she can’t win.

Obviously not. But some appropriate boundaries would be nice

OP posts:

Original poster

SorryNotSorryL · 10/04/2024 21:34

dolphinette · 10/04/2024 16:43

Having a relationship with a man you're not attracted to for monetary gain is, however people want to spin it, prostitution. That woman is pitiful and so is he, just enjoy the circus and nod politely at DD's stories.

There’s no financial advantage in dating my ex h 🤣🤣

OP posts:

EatingTillIDie · 10/04/2024 21:33

The kid is about to become a teenager. I'd say that young lady love of his is in for a world of pain if she's still around in a couple of years!

Original poster

SorryNotSorryL · 10/04/2024 21:32

unpleasantindividual · 10/04/2024 14:54

19 is an adult, not a child

I was married with a baby at 19 🙄

To a 38 year old with a pre teen?

OP posts:

Epidote · 10/04/2024 21:30

OP, I've voted YABU because as you already confirmed on you first post the bigger prick in the picture is your exH.
This girlfriend may be young but also may be lovely. Your DD see his dad one in a full moon and his new girlfriend interactions with your DD are going to be small, so unless she is a nasty bitch, and it doesn't look like that as per your post, her impact on your DD may be negligible or slightly positive.

YANBU to be wary of him introducing to your DD to any women he meets, I'm with you there, and if I you could you would stop this great and meeting bullshit once for all, but I'm afraid that is not on your hand.

LanaL · 10/04/2024 21:23

I just wanted to add actually to my comment .

When I met my ex partner , it was just under 20 years ago . I , sadly , think this makes a difference . He was from a different generation. A more respectful generation. A man who is now 40 , that’s my generation and I find a lot of men in this generation a lot more disrespectful and I think now there is a lot where it’s kind of “ cool “ to get with younger women maybe ? If that makes sense ? My ex is very old school , a gentleman , a belief that a man provides and protects . I think that probably makes a difference

HappierTimesAhead · 10/04/2024 21:22

ThisNoisyTealLurker · 10/04/2024 13:44

I can completely understand your reservations but look at it this way: she’s kind to your daughter, treats her well and your daughter likes her. It’s far better than the alternative, having your daughter around someone who is unkind or uninterested?

She's only just come into the picture!😂What are you basing this on?! The fact she spoilt the DD at their first meeting??

Winnipeggy · 10/04/2024 21:20

I understand why you're pissed but she's not a child, and she's not his bride, so your title is extremely misleading.

It's grim on his part but for now you should only be concerned about how she treats your daughter

AngryLikeHades · 10/04/2024 21:20

I don't think it was acceptable of the new girlfriend asking if it was ok to move in with him. Strange.
I understand your opinion, OP.

Topsyturvy78 · 10/04/2024 21:19

Keep out of it as long as she's kind to your daughter that's all you need to know. She will be more like an older sister role to her than stepmother.

Springtime43 · 10/04/2024 21:19

takealettermsjones · 10/04/2024 13:47

Overdramatic title. You can't do anything, she's an adult.

This

AcrossthePond55 · 10/04/2024 21:18

@SorryNotSorryL

I think her age is a bit of a red herring. A new GF of any age can be overbearing and try to 'enchant' their new BF's child.

Do I think YABU to be upset at this apparently 'lovebombing' by the GF? No, I don't. Your DD may end up being very confused and/or hurt if her attitude changes, which is likely if your ex starts using her as unpaid childcare, she gets tired of trying to impress DD, or when the relationship ends.

But is there anything you can do about it? Probably not much. You can't speak to the GF, absolutely not. And chances are you can't speak to your Ex about it. And I don't think it would be wise to sit DD down and explain to her why this isn't going to last etc etc.

To me all you can do is downplay what you can with a very offhand 'That's nice, dear' then changing the subject when she praises the new GF. If she starts telling you about 'big plans' like, oh, Disney trips, moving in with dad, fancy days out, etc just say blandly "That would be nice, but we mustn't count our chickens" etc etc. Treat what she says as unimportant and you'll reinforce to her that it is unimportant and unlikely to happen.

Since he's been a less than stellar dad in the time spent with DD department, use that to your advantage. Don't encourage it, don't change plans to facilitate it, and try to deflect DD if she wants to contact her dad about visiting. Chances are with this infatuation with this young woman he'll not want to spend much time 'parenting'.

mrsdineen2 · 10/04/2024 21:17

Title is disgusting and I've reported it.

Helengreggregson · 10/04/2024 21:17

Ugh I know they say age is only a number but can understand your point totally. I am not sure there is much can be done about it though. This woman is barely an adult and sounds very naive however it sounds like she made a huge effort with your daughter, which is actually nice. I feel sorry for the girl and I doubt her own parents are too pleased about the situation if they are aware.

Saytheyhear · 10/04/2024 21:16

Does she have much of a relationship with her siblings/her dad's other children? What do they think of the age gap?
That's probably the direction I would go down with regards to your DD being aware of the consequences of her dad's perv behaviour.

Howbizarre22 · 10/04/2024 21:16

What the fuck is the matter with these men. He’s nearly 40 and 2 years ago she was classed as a child. Fucking creepy sick bastards.

LanaL · 10/04/2024 21:15

Child bride is a bit misleading!

I don’t think the age is a massive issue .

When I was 20 I met a man 21 years older than me . He was 41 . I began a relationship with him and we had a child when I was 22 . He was the most caring and respectful man I ever known ( until I met my now husband of course ! ) . He never pressured me into anything when we began our relationship- he was honestly so caring and considerate . We split when I was 23 . Nothing bad , we just weren’t in love anymore. But this man is my best friend. He is the best father I could ask for for our child. He has been there for me since day 1- I’ve since had relationships that haven’t worked out and other children and he has always been there . He treats my other children with love , he gets on really well with my husband and up until I met my husband - and he took that place of being the man I rely on - he has been there for me through thick and thin. I’m not in love with him and he is not in love with me , but he is one of my very best friends in this whole world and because of that our child has had the best upbringing despite us not being together .

However , in your situation I would say the issue is that he’s introducing women to your child quite quickly and as you say he has another gf recently , I guess the problem is that it’s getting her attached to people that aren’t staying around .

Keep an eye on what’s best for your child but don’t discount this women due to her age . I was “stepmom” to children who were actually not that younger than me and all these years later I still have close relationships with them all … now , it’s more friends ( they don’t class me as a stepmom lol ) but I cared and still do care about them all so much and at that point when I was the “ child bride 🤣” I may have been young but I cared deeply for them and wanted to just be a positive in their life!

Emotionalsupportviper · 10/04/2024 21:10

SorryNotSorryL · 10/04/2024 13:40

My DD turned 12 a few weeks ago and exH (seperated since she was a babe) took her out for a day trip to celebrate.
he probably sees her on average about once a month, his own choice - and it actually turns my stomach a bit to see how excited/nervous DD gets, built up to his promises of oh dads gunna take me to do x,y,z and dad said this yadda yadda, only to then be disappointed when Lo and behold the promises turn out to be empty.

anyway, ExH who is 38 has apparently decided this is the day to intro DD to his NINETEEN YEAR OLD girlfriend.

DD has come back with buckets of adoration for the new gf, presumably because the gf has pulled out all the stops, bought DD an expensive locket, baked her a birthday cake, spent all day buying her pretty much everything she has laid her eyes on. DD is all like oh, I think this girlfriend is different (there have been 7 or 8 iterations over the years but never one as young) - I think perhaps the new gf has laid it on so thick, probably having had very limited experience of relationships and in the nicest possible way, adult relationships, involving “grown up” issues like step children etc.

it was only at Christmas ex H was playing happy families with the last girlfriend.

I have always made a point of staying well out of his love life, never brought up the new partners as an issue, even when there’s been really annoying stuff happen. However I am concerned that the absolute inexperience of this GF is going to negatively impact my kid- apparently she was asking DD if she would approve of her living with ex H ‘one day’…. Would she mind if new GF got a picture of the three of them to put in her car etc

perhaps I’m being unreasonable- in all honesty I am a bit shocked at the age (and perhaps showing my own age -40- by thinking oh my god what must her parents think 😂my DD is his eldest but by no means his only child)

what do you think???

being unreasonable- she’s an adult, stay out of it.

not being unreasonable - she’s practically a child (and in this case what do you actually do about it???? I’m loathe to stop DD from seeing her dad- she’s not far off being old enough to make her own decision about going and I don’t really want to open that can of worms after keeping the peace for so long)

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but not because I'm worried about the GF (I am a bit, but she's a free agent). I'm more worried about how this will affect your DD when this relationship inevitably goes pear-shaped. This girl sounds very nice (if somewhat naive) and your DD could develop a bit of hero-worship and be very upset when the lass comes to her senses.

The "good" thing is that your ex hardly bothers with your DD, so she isn't likely to meet this young woman very often.

Edit to add - Very inappropriate title, though.

betterangels · 10/04/2024 21:05

VyeBrator · 10/04/2024 17:13

That's a disturbing clickbait title which you should be thoroughly ashamed of, given the amount of young girls who are actually forced into marriage as children.

This young woman is neither a child nor a bride.

Definitely this.

Debtfreegoals · 10/04/2024 19:59

ThisNoisyTealLurker · 10/04/2024 13:44

I can completely understand your reservations but look at it this way: she’s kind to your daughter, treats her well and your daughter likes her. It’s far better than the alternative, having your daughter around someone who is unkind or uninterested?

I actually think this is sound advice. I know it’s not ideal but I don’t think it’s worth you getting frustrated about

Quartz2208 · 10/04/2024 19:51

Illpickthatup · 10/04/2024 14:42

Ok so first of all you absolutely have to go to CMS. He should be paying for his child. What do you mean by this escalates him?

2nd of all. He can't stop you taking your child overseas. Go to court and get a specific issues order to take her abroad. I'd also revisit the custody agreement. Again go through courts, tell him that he's only been seeing her once a month and you wish to have a lives with order in place. Having a lives with order means you can take her abroad without his permission.

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I was going to write pretty much the same as his. he barely sees his daughter pays not money and stops you going away (which if you went to court he couldn’t)