to stop DD having holidays?

The anxiety is not unusual for girls her age. They've all had their lives at the threshold of adulthood disrupted by covid. However it's likely fed in her case by being a wheel chair user with less control. She might benefit from cognitive behavioural therapy to stop her destructive thought patterns that lead her to act out. There is likely to be a waiting list. Had she tried meditation or mindfulness to help calm her down?

Reading through the thread wondering something like this too, sounds like she needs people to hear and validate her worries and anxiety, butbif they mention any of there own she 'kicks off' re possible rain/car being OK. I wonder as pp has said if she's stuck in child mode where everyone else has the responsibility for putting her first always and always shielding her from general life?

Her anxiety does make her appear to be very controlling.

I doubt think the examples listed are just anxiety. They remind me more of PDA profile ASD.

If you care for someone with such high levels of anxiety, you really do need a break yourself. That's all the OP is wanting. She's coped with this for over twenty years. Give her a break.

I think you are missing the part where she is a burnt out carer of two adults with additional support needs.

I feel for all of you, but for the first time since I've been on MN I have to say that I don't think your husband is the problem! He must feel like a bag of nerves, never feeling he can say something without a huge backlash.

Does she need personal care when she's away or would she be able to go away with a group?

I can see why you want time to yourself and I can see why your elder daughter has felt like she doesn't have the attention she deserves.

Does your daughter do or take anything to help with her anxiety? I think most of us would really struggle with that level of scrutiny over what we were saying and I really feel for your husband.

You can learn to control your anxiety. Speak to her therapist about CBT. She’s taking you all for a ride here and using it as a means of control.

What? Did you miss the part where the OP has two adult children with SEN? Are you in that situation?
I'm exhausted just reading about it.

There’s a second daughter who isn’t interested in the sorts of holidays that dd2 and her dad enjoys. Dd1 has special needs too and prefers to stay at home rather than travel.

Yes but the daughter is an adult who the op provides a lot of additional care for and she'd like a break. daughter is a uni student and wants to do the holiday , has another parent who can do it with her if they could work together on it.

I think he is a problem, sorry. He should be able regulate himself. It looks for me like he doesn’t want to make an effort and I wonder if it comes across the same way for your daughter.
He should consider her feelings seriously. It’s easy for him to say: Well, well deal with it when it comes. But your DD is not able to deal with a lot of things on her own, due to her disability her world is much less secure, she relies on things being set up in certain way but there is no guarantee that they will be set up in a certain way. She is old enough to understand problems but she is not mature enough not to care.
However saying this I wonder if their set up is overgrown itself and it’s time to look for something different and send her out with a carer. By the way I don’t think he should have a say in the decision about carer, it’s not for him it’s for DD so only her opinion matters. You probably won’t be able to send her to a big adventure with a carer straight away so there should be some transition period.
I can imagine how frustrating this behavior is for your DD. Our daughter has additional needs and mild anxiety and I have anxiety myself and my DH does stupid unthoughtful comments sometimes as well, it drives me mad, he is doing it in a bit of a thinking way: Well, it might lead to a fire actually…
It took me a while to get to him but he is improving. I think it’s ignorance in a way and lack of understanding.

this

I keep reading the op thinking I am missing something as the responses don't make sense to me either. Are your saying you don't take your daughter in holiday because it's not enjoyable for you? That's just being a parent.

This. Also its not as though the OP is getting to kick back and enjoy the activity, she is there to be a buffer between her husband and her daughter...all the time she is on duty in case something goes wrong....that's not any kind of leisure.

This is insightful. OP read up on Transactional Analysis. The 3 main ego states are Child, Adult and Parent. Interactions tend to go Adult to Adult or Parent - Child. One person adopting one state tends to push the other into the paired one - so if you interact as an adult then so will the other person, but if you adopt parent you'll push the other person into child, or vice versa. Do look it up if you're not already aware of it.

The move into more adult - adult relationships is important but it must be very hard to juggling with your daughters' high needs. Examining some of their (and your) recent interactions through a transactional analysis lens might be useful though.

What’s the relationship between dd1 and dd2 like? Must be very difficult for dd1 too because it sounds like your house operates around not annoying dd2 and that’s clearly not possible based on the sort of examples that you’ve given. Many lesser people would be avoiding contact as a coping mechanism.
Does she have friends at uni ?

It sounds like when dd is at university and/or with carers you and DH need to make an effort to take some time for the two of you AND both take time individually for yourselves too. Use that time for self care

See the thing is, this is not realistic. Because she living life on earth. She has the problem, she needs strategies and therapy to cope with the problem, not teaching everyone she come across (incl the bus driver/random shopper at Tesco/ little girl in line at the bank with her mom whatever, to not trigger her. Life is triggering mate. You know what is really not helping her and letting her down. Allowing her to not move forward. Tiptoeing around her is letting her down, it's keeping her dependent on the only person who has conditioned herself to not say anything, to live an unrealistic life. Her mom. It's keeping her in the home. Whereas she might be way more independent if she is taught how to deal with life. Not life being taught to deal with her. It sounds harsh but that is the help she needs. That is the help we give all people on therapy. We teach autistic youngsters what to do if they get over stimulated, how to calm themselves down, how to read facial expressions. We don't teach everyone around them not to overstimulate them and to not show emotion

This.

It sounds like the support you give with hr anxiety is mainly verbal/talking based?
Is there a reason why this couldn't be done over a video call, so you can support but not actually be there in person?
And you said she has counselling which helps - again could she have a session of this while away via video call, to help support her emotionally?

Her behaviour is definitely coming across as immature. Does she have friends at uni?

Why is commenting re the weather the worst case scenario or catastrophising?

How do you make a care plan that would be 'we don't know what or when saying something may upset her, it constantly changes' would you really say, 'we just need to do EVERYTHING EXACTLY as she wants no matter what, if she still gets upset, its still your fault, you're always wrong.'?

I wish you wouldn't denigrate your OH as he seems to be very good taking her on holiday at all . Most people wouldn't entertain such a difficult time .
Your daughter is of an age where she needs to be more self reliant .