to stop DD having holidays?

What happens if you don’t respond to those messages straight away?

it does sound as if the holidays are the tip of the iceberg and you and your husband both need time to be yourselves not just parents. When she is safe with support she trusts she needs to start learning how to manage things with their support so you can switch off

Have you tried reading -Helping your child with their fears and worries by Laura willets? It was recommended to us with an online course by our local CAMHS. It’s parent led CBT techniques that might be very helpful for you and your husband to help support your daughter. We used it with our DD and she has become much more independent and rarely needs our support. She is younger than your DD but by the sounds of it you have fallen into the same trap we did where we reassured her and so she wasn’t able to manage without us at all. It does require work but it might give you the chance for you all to be more independent.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Helping-Your-Child-Fears-Worries/dp/1472138619/ref=asc_df_1472138619/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=310973726618&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=13030834197694440900&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9045716&hvtargid=pla-684582770619&psc=1&mcid=68dc56866ebd3fd3991a649212a82e7a&th=1&psc=1

She has a few friends at Uni who she meets up with eg for coffee or a couple of drinks, but not really good friends. Certainly nobody she would go away with

I think it’s possible to make a very good guess as to why that is. She sounds very demanding, like a spoilt child. Indulging her every whim is doing her no favours. In fact, it’s feeding this behaviour IMO - to her detriment.

No wonder she doesn’t have any close friends. Who’d want to have to swallow every comment on the weather, etc etc, in case it set your DD off. Who’d want a trip out with her where everyone had to bow to her demands?

I expect some of her ‘anxiety’ at uni, which necessitates trips home every few days, is connected to this. Give her the tools to cope in the real world.

Did you read anything the OP wrote about how desperately she needs a break?

"At Uni she has 24/7 carers and they are great at providing emotional support to her so she feels supported, but even then she regularly messages me for reassurance."

What will happen when she enters the world of work?

Or will the work she applies for be restricted because of her condition?

She's your child, and sometimes that involves doing things you'd rather not. Sorry YABU in not going.

You don't say however what DD2 would do if you went with DH and DD1.

Your DH is almost certainly a key driver in your DD's anxiety. He needs therapy too.

one of the best suggestions on this thread. Allows dd to have a holiday and parents to have a break.

Be brave and embrace something like this.

She needs to manage her anxiety first. Is she on Sertraline? It's very effective at reducing anxiety. And beta blockers can be used as needed for similar effects. I think she should explore this option. They could then go and enjoy Edinburgh Festival together, without her anxiety dominating their fun.

Does DD have any friends who she could take with her and DH?

Have looked up the charity I volunteered for, it's here:

https://revitalise.org.uk/respite-holidays/

They have a range of holidays which definitely check the daughter's likes including museums and culture, West End theatre trips, zoos, comedy, pubs. They definitely know how to put on a good holiday.

Oh golly I couldn’t handle many of these things either - maybe a city tour or a zoo. But just the one of each. Pub crawls, fringe and orienteering would be beyond my limit.
I had been going to say wouldn’t it be good to make the effort to go and take an interest ( I’d been envisaging a particular genre of art gallery or Roman ruins or similar ); but these latter activities aren’t even particularly interactive with each other ( you can’t count bickering about compass directions!) So YANBU.

Yes, she says she is running on empty and wants to be left in peace in her garden.

OP, I think you need to draw some boundaries with your DD 2. Even if she has anxiety, some boundaries need to be drawn.

I don't think it's that she doesn't enjoy those things, it's that she wants a rest from caring responsibilities and to spend some time alone.

How does she behave towards other students and academic staff?

How does she manage living away at uni? Are the carers there 24/7? If not do you think she prefers being at home as she'll be pandered to in a way she won't at uni? It sounds like you and she team up against your Dh and his 'failings'.
And yes poor dd1 in all of this!

You don't enjoy any of those things at all?

Does she have any friends of her own?
Is she capable of becoming more independent and if not now does she see that happening?
Is there a future with both your daughters becoming less dependent on you?
It sounds incredibly tough on both of you? Is time away just you two even if you just relax a possibility so that your younger daughter starts to see you as deserving of your own time to yourself?
You sound like wonderful, devoted parents. In a real and MN world of parents putting new partners first, complaining about relatively minor parenting moments, it’s really refreshing to read of two devoted parents who put their children’s needs so much above their own. Just don’t forget you both have needs and surely it’s your time to start considering how the focus could more on the both of you.

I think you and your DH need to get away alone together. I hear you about being exhausted and just wanting to sit in your garden with the dog, but it sounds like you need a break and to reconnect with your husband.

Think of it as a rest where neither of of have to moderate your words and feelings and you can gain some new perspective.

OP it's interesting the phrasing you used in your OP too. "AIBU to stop my DD from having holidays?"

This may be consciously ironic but if not, your daughter deciding her dad is not a good enough companion, and carers aren't either, and therefore you must go on all holidays henceforth is not you stopping her from having holidays. Definitely some interesting work you could do on where rights and responsibilities lie in your family.

Absolutely this, you don't have to be a martyr to be a good parent.

I'm retired but used to work in an organisation that cared for people with mental health issues, all sorts self harm/anxiety/eating disorders. One saying I always remember is you have to push the envelope or it closes in. So if you start off with DD being unhappy because a journey is unpredictable you are letting the envelope close in if you ignore the possiblity or pretend it can't happen. I think your husband is right, something might get cancelled because it is raining but if that happens you deal with it, it isn't the end of the world you can go another day and you can find something to do now that isn't affected by the rain, it is a possibility so not unreasonable to recognise that. I don't know your DD but I don't think it is reasonable for 3 of you to be constantly worrying about every word in case it upsets her.

The other thing you have to be realistic about is you won't always be there so she has to learn other strategies, I know that can feel harsh, cruel even but ultimately it is a kindness. I think we all go through that with children but it has just gone on longer with your DD due to her anxiety condition but that doesn't mean it should rule you all.

By the way I'm not saying her anxiety isn't real I just think other people have rights as well and someone needs to help her develop strategies. Ultimately she is a bright girl at university so she can make a decision about the holiday, would she prefer to go and accept dad sometimes says things she doesn't like or would she rather not go. You don't have to make this right for her by doing something you don't want to do.

There are many 21 yo who are physically adults but mentally an emotionally still teenagers.
I was one. I have had mental health issues most of my life. Practically I was a grown up before my time but emotional and mentally behind. I feel that 21 is that crunch point when the coping by avoiding and finding route to move around a mental illness without triggering anxiety or depression ceases to be helpful and it's time to come up with more strategies to teach the younger adult the skills and resources to experience the trigger and climb down on their own or with support.

It sounds like maybe the trip lengths need to be curtailed to a max of 1 night and maybe more daytrips whilst your daughter works on her mental health resilience. Maybe with a holiday in a years time to work towards of they still want to do something together. I would also give dad and your daughter more time alone whilst at home. It would allow you time hopefully to step out of the house and they can learn how to navigate not annoying one another. A skill all young adults and parents need to learn!

This is another key thing about a 21 yo. The relationships between parents and children change. It's no longer just the parents responsibility to keep the peace both parties need to be considerate of the other much more than say a 15yo and adult. I have had a difficult relationship with my mum. It got a lot easier around 25 when I realised we are human and worked around mine and her flaws as a result I was less antagonistic and more warm and fuzzy which she likes. Doing little things like buying her flowers for special dates. I hate flowers, they are pointless and make me sneeze. My mum love flowers and it's a small way to say "I see you". It sounds like neither dad nor daughter are truly "seeing" the other and this is the bit that needs working on and then they can go back to common activities.

I feel for your DH and you. Seems like you have spent years tiptoeing round your DD. She needs better coping strategies. Because the world won't bend to suit her.