to stop DD having holidays?

I think I would find your husbands remarks iritating, if I am getting the correct impression of what he likes to say, possibly with a certain tone.

I think it’s op’s other daughter who is ok for a few days on her own at home.

No

Neither of them sound like they enjoy it now. Your dd should go on organised trips which could accommodate her needs, but I suspect she might need her expectations setting of acceptable behaviour in having to consider other peoples needs and wants in the group too. And maybe your dh could try find some group of like minded people re his hobby who he could go with for a few days.

I would go, I've spent every single holiday with my kids doing things I don't like because they enjoy them. That's just par for the course isn't it?

@PomPomDahlia27

think this is spot on ⬆️

Again this, does she need to pay for the carers 24/7 at uni, you've said she can be OK for days on her own at home? Could she cut down on the 24/7 carers to fund someone on holiday?

Maybe I have missed it, but dd2 doesn't appear to have a ND, so unless you feel she possibly has, and hasn't been diagnosed, she is essentially an adult with a physical disability. She may have anxiety, but again, unless this is a part of an undiagnosed condition then she potentially is a mentally fully functioning adult.

So why do you speak of her as if she needs constant mental accommodations? Whereas you seem to slightly brush over the fact that your dd1, who is diagnosed with ASD, struggles to cope with her behaviour.

I appreciate that living with physical disabilities which are serious enough to require lifelong carers will be difficult for a young person to cope with, but as parents, I believe it's important to help her transition into adult behaviour, and that requires treating her as an adult and on a more equal footing. It's doing her no good at all walking on egg shells around her. Are you all possibly overcompensating because you feel she has had a hard enough deal in life already and you don't want to see her upset?
If she wants to have an adult relationship and friendships it just isn't going to fly by controlling what topics can be discussed etc. She needs to find a way to deal with it herself rather than policing others. And you need to stop talking about your daughter as if she's an 11 year old .

If you suspect an underlying ND, look into this before anything else.

Also OP, you may find the (SET Support Empathy Truth) technique really helpful for your DD. It is usually talked about with regards to supporting EUPD family members, but it is really helpful with anyone who is quite demanding and needy.

I've got to be honest. Nothing your DH says sounds mean, cruel or worthy of her feeling attacked or getting criticised by you for. I'd take a deep breath because from the outside it looks like he's the one everyone's getting at.

You need your break op. That’s what I think you should prioritise here.

You can’t look after everyone else if your needs aren’t taken care of. You have to recharge your battery because you’re powering everything else.

If there’s a scenario where you get a decent, restful break after fulfilling a caring/mediation role on their holiday, only then should you consider it. But I suspect the most restful break for you is in your own home.

Sometimes we need to prioritise our own needs in order to be able to prioritise everyone else and this is one of those occasions where disappointing others is absolutely the right thing to do.

Your DD needs to spend the money and pay carers. She is am adult still and it isn't fair on your DH. Say NO OP.

She seems to be in charge of your household?

Where is your other daughter? Away in her room?

I would say it's fine to say that you don't want to go. Assuming that DD2's mental age is not like 10 or something, she is an adult. While it must be very very frustrating to have a disability that means she can't just go it alone, she is old enough to understand that she needs to take other people's feelings and ideas on board. If she wants to do something for holiday that you really don't, she should get that you don't want to go. If she wants to go with her dad, the simplest thing is for him to care for her. If she/he don't want that, that's fine too, but then she needs to find another way: either go on an organised holiday, or pay for some other care.

It sounds like this is something she needs to figure out a solution for. Maybe have a conversation with her about it in a calm moment, tell her you don’t want to go, so if she does, she and her dad will have to figure it out between them. You can’t be the mediator forever, it’s not healthy.

Two things have occurred to me reading your responses, OP.

One is that you said that carers facilitate dependency. It shouldn't really be like that. Good carers should of course meet the needs of the person they're caring for, but they shouldn't create learned dependency. There's a difference between doing things for someone they can't do themselves, and actually reducing their skills and abilities. This needs addressing with carers if it seems your DDs independence is impeded or reduced by their approach. (I've done respite care for over 5 years).

Secondly, your DDs responses to things sound like Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). Look into it, I really think it will resonate.

but he should know better shouldn't he?

No, he should not be enabling her and neither should you - by listening and reassuring her you are perpetuating the situation. As long as you continue as you are, why would she change? Your DH is doing the best thing for her, it is time for her to accept that she needs to manage her own feelings. That will be a process and not easy, and she will need support and help with that. But she has to accept this basic idea, and at the moment she is resisting it - and you are letting her.

I think you can say you won't go because you are not getting any break, otherwise. I also think your DH needs a break sometimes, either alone or with you. Your other DD can cope alone you say and DD2 has carers at uni so I think everybody needs to know occasionally that you are not available.

Your DH needs to think whether his comments are adding anything to a conversation, as at least one DD seems unable to understand when he's not being serious. Also, although it's difficult for your DD she needs to remind herself that not all comments are about her, ie her dad can think he needs to go to bed without it being a criticism of her staying up later. If she wants to go on holiday she has to get along with her dad.

This is a little harsh but I agree.

I am NT but have (officially diagnosed) anxiety and have a breakdown after DS was born. I was in a constant state of anxiety and terror at what could happen. I had to develop strategies to help myself and so does your DD2 needs to do OP

This thread is the most incredible window into how deep some mothers can dig to support their children. OP you are amazing. It does sound like it’s time for some things to change but don’t give yourself a hard time for how you got here.

Maybe a week is too long, maybe having more shorter breaks is better?

Would your DD2 and DH consider some family type counselling sessions together to figure out some strategies to manage things when away together? They may find working on something collaboratively more liable to stick for them and may give them the understanding of each other to make this work out better in the long term. I think it’s really lovely they have these shared things to do together and that it would be so sad to have things that went “wrong” in either of their eyes ruin the memories and joy.

However I do think there is absolute benefit in building skills away from you (as DD2 is already doing) by going on independent holidays etc.

This is such a shame as they sound like they have so much fun and it's a great breather for you. Could her counsellor suggest some helpful techniques or exercises for her and your DH to do? I completely understand his struggle with not having a specific problem to solve. (Edited as I've seen your latest post - if it's a personality thing that's even harder and sympathy to you!) If it's something you're better at, could you be available one day during the holiday or at a certain time for a phone call - I know it's not quite as much of a holiday then but still more of a break than actually going with them. Perhaps meanwhile he could work on listening and learning from what you do to help her when you're all at home? Best of luck, OP.

The descriptions in your most recent post don't sound like anxiety to me but her being sensitive and overly black and white. He definitely sounds like he lacks some emotional intelligence. I don't think hoping her anxiety will sort itself out will work 21 years in. Can she get some CBT or something to help her build her resilience?

Have you and DH been able to pinpoint exactly what it is about his care for her that's not working? What do you and the professional carers do that he doesn't? Is it something he could change?