DH being treated like unpaid Uber

Why is the expectation and lack of appreciation anything to do with you? They’re not your kids, let him parent them how he sees fit.

💯

if he wants to just complain endlessly say I’m not listening to this and leave the room.

he and his kids are ridiculous.

Op you need to stop blaming everything on their mother, she's allowed to parent as she sees fit. These people have 2 parents and the eldest is old enough to know better - if DH actually dealt with it.

YANBU to think it, but not much else can be done until your husbands stops being so available.

Allow him to moan though, as it’s perhaps a small price to pay for them still frequenting his home, who can has no reliable transport link 🤷🏽‍♀️.

'[I] am fed up of DH getting annoyed about this but doing fuck all about it'

Really, irrespective of the problem, YANBU to feel like this and to express it robustly.

There was a woman who used to post on the Step-Parenting Board about her DH's 18 year old son who rigidly maintained 'access visits' and it was driving her nuts being stuck in this rigid timetable. She had younger DC with the partner and felt trapped. In fact I don't think they were married when she started posting and lots of posters told her not to, but she did.

You are not hemmed in like that, OP, and have a fair bit of 'power' in this relationship, so can tell your DH to deal with it or stay quiet as it's all getting rather old now. My long-time DP and I have a whole sports team of adult DC between us 😱and have to negotiate this stuff constantly - and 'moaning on and doing nothing' is not an option.

we only found out about this 'expectation' late last night after DH had to prise out of his son how he was getting to our house.
Then DH needs to stop asking them how and just focus on the time/date, ie if you are feeding them. But there is a big chance they won't come, would DH be able to cope with that? And honestly, he is reaping what he sowed as a parent. He could have taught them manners years ago but he didn't.

The 24-year-old can start taking Ubers or taxis, they’re a working adult. I’d be more flexible with the 17-year-old. Could they start learning to drive?

Also, won’t car insurance costs start to decrease when the eldest turns 25?

Has their mother made any effort? Hardly surprising that she likes to baby her 'children', gives her a hold over the ex she cheated on.

The dad taxi needs to call time on his services. You need to call him on his enabling behaviour.
He's producing adult babies. What's wrong with 2 busses?

At 17 I regularly had to take two buses to get to work, college, friend's houses or almost anywhere because we lived in an area with crap public transport.

So yes the 17yo (and definitely the 24yo) could and probably should get the bus or Uber. But it's also really nice that their dad seems to want to take them, IMO.

My dad could have driven me on many occasions, but he didn't want to. He wasn't busy. He just wasn't interested. I rarely asked as he had always refused, but it hurt knowing I wasn't worth the hassle of an occasional lift!

Maybe these kids are spoiled and ungrateful so this is irrelevant, but I do think it's kind of their dad and not to be discouraged unless it causes problems for you.

2 buses! That's hardly a massive issue is it? My 17 year old did 2 trains and 2 buses to where he wanted to go as neither me nor his dad were available to drop him off.

I'd suggest your DH puts his foot down - saving a massive trek is one thing but 2 buses with an overnight bag is completely reasonable.

The deal I have with my 17 year old is that if I can I’ll drop off/pick up (not always easy as I am a single parent with 2 primary school aged kids as well) if I can’t she gets the bus/a loft with her dad/friend or boyfriends parents. I reciprocate the lifts when I can. She is also learning to drive

Not everywhere has the bus service that's reliable enough. Sounds like a city you live in with regular bus service and extortionate insurance.

I live in an area were people can't afford to run cars and the insurance for under 25s is £4k a year. It's a low paid area, but people, including teens still have to get to work etc. Two buses is nothing. Learning to drive is irrelevant.

I don't know any teens as described on here, because there isn't the time and money to pander like this. The kids get around on buses with thrir parents from birth. The lack of self reliance and responsibility is something to be ashamed of tbh.

I wouldn't let my DD at 17, get on a bus with a gaming laptop. It's £1k vs taxi fare. There's a few issues. The insistence on sticking to contact days is the first. If that's on your DH, he facilities the 17 year old getting to him. The 24 year old should be told that at 25 they are a proper adult and are standing on their own two feet. Then start to work on the 17 year old.

YANBU,

They are both perfectly able to use public transport.

17 is nearly an adult. I suspect if you talked about their bedtime or taking their phones virtually everyone would say they were grownups, but when it comes to expectations rather than rights, they suddenly morph into ‘kids’ again.

Two buses isn’t a disaster, they can read, listen to music, do revision. It was my normal life from about 13 onwards, I was thrilled when occasionally offered a lift.

The only thing is this isn’t really your problem but your husband’s. I get that he is worried about losing contact but, if contact is conditional on being an unpaid chauffeur, it isn’t really worth having. Maybe this is a conversation you can have with him?

For the 24 year old, your DH should just say no. Hell no.

For the 17 year old, I think you have to separate out what's a reasonable expectation of a lift e.g. being picked up at a reasonable time from his mums vs the expectation of being dropped off here there and everywhere like a taxi to facilitate a social life or bad planning. He doesn't need his gaming laptop.

But If your DH isn't prepared to deal with it, tell him to stop bellyaching as you don't have the time to listen to his whinging when he could deal with it.

Exactly the same I'm so glad my lot learned to drive at 17/18. Which I paid for lessons. The first cars ( old bangers) were 18th birthday gifts and insurance they pay from part time jobs. DS pays £100 a month insurance ( was less last year)

Mind you 2 buses hardly seems a big deal

Personally at that age I was getting the train to see friends all over the country. Parents would have picked me up from a party to ensure i got home safe- but apart from that it was my issue... around where I live this is still the case for most people- but good transport links generally!! (10 years ago)- but all of my younger colleagues 20/21 and friends children are expected to get the bus/train/uber..... idont think you are unreasonable

17 year olds I can understand giving some lifts to, but not in the sort of on-demand way that's established at the moment.Expecting lifts at the click of a finger is quite rude, especially back and forth because he wants his gaming laptop.

If he's out for the day and his stuff is at his Mum's, why can't he go to the train station himself, go for the day out, return to Mum's to get his stuff and then you DP can collect him from Mum's?

i think he wouldn’t dare is telling her husband values their marriage and his kids can’t just trample all over it. He sets boundaries and he makes time for both his wife and his children. What a husband! Sounds like he respects her!

I think OP that you should leave this to your husband to resolve. Presumably he wants to maintain a relationship with his children and you've said that public transport isn't really available from their house to their dad's.

As long as you're not being expected to do pick ups, don't interfere or intervene - and don't let your husband offload to you about it. This is his issue to solve with his children/their mum.