DH being treated like unpaid Uber

@LolaSmiles and @SapphOhNo you both understand my point exactly - thanks
It's really easy to see why you're annoyed and fed up OP.

When I think back to being an older teen, we all had lifts from parents when it was convenient but we were expected to ask and for bigger things give reasonable notice. That was with parents/step parents we lived with.

If we'd demanded a lift, or worse told our parents/step parents that they'd be our personal taxi service, we'd have expected to be put straight and reminded to stop acting like a brat.

I thought the eldest was a girl?

I think the 24 yr old needs to be more responsible for their transport but the 17yr old is still young enough to need to get home safely at night.

@chocolatesaltyballs22 that is annoying, but so typical for a teen/parent interaction it's not worth remarking on. What do you want to happen- him not to do the taxi, to get the teen to let you know in advance, to get him to use public transport? All of these things are possible, not even that hard to achieve, but you are acting like it's completely unreasonable for teens to go 'mum, oh no, I need to be in X in 10 min time, can I have a lift' whereas in fact this is entirely normal teen behaviour and happens in thousands of homes every day.

Nothing is outrageous here, and with a few tweaks, could be easily sorted out.

Yes that's true.

If you did and he ignored that then more fool him. It's his duty as a parent to provide for his kids and that includes a house should it become necessary.

It's a bit embarrassing for them to be so reliant. My 13 year old is adamant she doesn't need a lift tomorrow to see some family so is getting 2 buses and a train to a different city. She is very independent and organised. Love her attitude. It would drive me insane OP my Child or Stepchild.

Why are you annoyed with the (I know one is an adult)children and not their father who is the older more mature adult with more life experience and should be the one parenting them to be independent and manage their expectations.

You're blaming the young ones rather than the responsible adult...it seems unfair to me.

I don't see anything outrageous in this, but that's because I'm the Mum Taxi in my own household. The 25 year old visiting is getting time on her own with dad in the car on the way there and back, so that she has a bit of chatting catch up without you there, all good. The 17 year old- all my friends are either paying for their kids to have driving lessons (if they can afford it, or they might have a job), or they are not having driving lessons, and being driven around, with the odd bus ride in there too. My kids both have Mum taxi and the bus and between us it works out.

It is a little inconsiderate to suddenly spring a late night trip on someone but unless it took hours and unless it conflicted with something you were doing then I think it's fine for the 17 year old to ask.

The only thing then is gratitude, and I would expect a genuine 'thanks mum' on all lift giving occasions, if that's not happening, then that's for your husband to set out his expectations in terms of behaviour.

I think jumping in the car, if you have one, and can afford petrol is par for the course for every single parent I know, not many make their kids get the bus to them except those in London/very large cities.

Agreed.

There are two parents. It's not just mum's responsibility. I don't understand why people enter into relationships where there are children and not consider they may live with them full time.

This.

I'd rather give them ( teenagers) lifts at night to make sure they were safe. Surely most parents would.

The manners thing? He's fighting a losing battle against the ex who still treats them like they're little children. He pulls them up on things all the time but it falls on deaf ears as she doesn't instill the same values.
Stop blaming Ex for his lack of parenting. What consequences did he give for their lack of manners or anything else? We all learn to behave differently to other people from a young age. I wouldn't have dreamt behaving the exact same way to DM, DF, siblings, teachers, friends etc. How his children behave with him, is down to his own parenting. And he is still doing the lack of consequences/parenting by running around after them but moaning to you.

As for Ex moving out and leaving the 18yr old in charge of her house - well I would be laughing my head off at that and say bring it on. The amount of media stories about parents going in holiday and leaving 18yr old behind who have out of control parties that wreck the family home, piss of all the neighbours and incur a serious telling off from the police (even before the local papers get wind), would soon result in "consequences " for them all.

I think you need to have a serious chat with DH. Tell him to stop moaning about things he could have changed years ago, and remind him that his DS will not reside with you if he can't cope living alone. DH needs to step up and teach his son how to cook, how to clean, do laundry, how to pay bills (who will be providing the cash for that?), how to budget, etc etc. right now so DS will be capable and confident by the time his mother moves out.

Are taking the 2 busses manageable? Like they're frequent, easy to catch etc.? Cause taking 2 busses to places is totally normal and most people have to do that since one bus line rarely covers school, work, hobbies.
Or does it take 2h (compared to 20min drive) and there is two busses a day and all that inconvenience.

... am fed up of DH getting annoyed about this but doing fuck all about it

Sounds to me as if your irritation's focused in the right direction; their own mother might enjoy "treating them like children" but that doesn't mean he has to as well

Nothing wrong with driving them about occasionally to help out, but not when it becomes an expectation for every little thing, and I certainly wouldn't be prepared to listen to moaning when the answer's in DH's own hands

I’ve gone with YABU entirely because you’ve tried to blame ex wife.

I do get this. With 4 DC we have been through similar.

The only ones that bothered me were DS at 19 - telling us “you can pick me up now”. Not asking - telling. No please or thank you. H picked him up anyway, I wouldn’t have bothered until he learned some manners! He does ask politely now though 😂

Also DS at 20 - gets a job in a city 50 miles away and stays there Monday to Friday. Expects lifts there and back on a Sunday and Friday PM. Because a bus and a train is too difficult, apparently. H and I have Fridays off work, and like to do a long dog walk in the afternoon which is now impossible with almost 4 hours of the day out to pick him up. Happily he’s now been told to get the bloody train, but it took a year…

(DS can’t drive as his license is suspended for medical reasons unfortunately so I do try and find SOME sympathy!)

Also DS16 with a questionable girlfriend - we asked him/her to get picked up from our house 50% of the time. She’d turn up repeatedly with no lift and DS expected her to be taken home because no other option. I was fed up of it so told him she either sorts her own transport or doesn’t come. They broke up soon after, happily 😂

Anyway fast forward a year - 3 out of 4 now have their own cars so we can finally kick back and relax. No more daily lifts! It does get a lot easier if they just learn to drive. We paid for their lessons as 17th birthday gifts and gave them a reasonable contribution towards a car - they paid the other 50% or so themselves from their savings and pay for petrol etc from their PT jobs. We only did lifts for the last year or so on the understanding that they learned to drive ASAP after turning 17. No way was I babying them forever.

When you marry someone with children, there’s always the possibility that they’ll live with you FT at some point though, isn’t there?

I appreciate what you’re saying, but tbf, why should your DSD live with her Mum and Mum’s partner instead of you? Of course, she might be fine on her own in her Mum’s house, she might love the freedom!

Yep, their Mum’s moving plans aren’t your problem, let your DH and her deal with it.

As I said upthread, encourage your DH to be less available for the older “child”. I imagine that many of us were completely independent of our parents by 24, heck, I was living in another country. If he starts saying no, they’ll have to figure out their own transport.

I typed no reliable transport link, so I apologise if I misunderstood.

I wouldn’t move out and leave an 18 year old behind, capable or incapable, but different strokes for different folks.

If this proves too much for the 18 year old, is it an option for him to move into his dad’s, where he will have a more responsible parent who may also better equip him for adulthood?

Ignore it all unless it impacts on you, if it does have your say.

Sounds like it’s only you who has a problem with it?

Assuming they have mobile phones they can book an uber!