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Original poster

DH being treated like unpaid Uber

137 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/04/2024 09:05

I know this isn't a me problem because I refuse to do all the running around but am fed up of DH getting annoyed about this but doing fuck all about it. His two kids (I say kids loosely as they are 17 and 24) expect him to drive them around here there and everywhere without a word of thanks. Eldest is working but refuses to learn to drive; whenever she visits it's just expected that he picks her up and drops her off. Youngest still stays here part of the week and what's prompted my rant is that it was dropped on us last night that he's out for the day today in another city a couple of hours away and is expected to be picked up at the train station, driven to mum's to pick up his overnight stuff (opposite end of the city to us) and then driven back here to stay the night. This is all lateish at night btw, and we only found out about this 'expectation' late last night after DH had to prise out of his son how he was getting to our house. Meanwhile ExW refuses to encourage any growing up at all and enables their reliance on parents.

AIBU to think that at this age they need to have a bit of consideration and appreciation for their dad and to maybe start thinking for themselves about how they're going to get around? When does it end?

OP posts:
willWillSmithsmith · 11/04/2024 08:23

DreamTheMoors · 10/04/2024 22:17

I used to be 24.
And I can’t imagine relying on my daddy to ferry me here and there and everywhere.
I’d would’ve been mortified by that.
At 24, I was working, owned a car and had been living independently for years.
Buy the kids a used car, get them driving lessons & licenses and put a stop to this nonsense once and for all.

People can’t just buy cars and driving lessons (what about the upkeep?) unless you’ve got lots of spare cash lying around.

DreamTheMoors · 10/04/2024 22:17

I used to be 24.
And I can’t imagine relying on my daddy to ferry me here and there and everywhere.
I’d would’ve been mortified by that.
At 24, I was working, owned a car and had been living independently for years.
Buy the kids a used car, get them driving lessons & licenses and put a stop to this nonsense once and for all.

RedHelenB · 10/04/2024 22:02

PinkyFlamingo · 10/04/2024 09:32

Well it won't stop until your DH actually says no.

Dies dh actually mind though? Or just the OP?

Illpickthatup · 10/04/2024 21:57

ginasevern · 10/04/2024 11:47

I don't see why it bothers the OP so much. It's not at all unusual for 17 year olds to get lifts from their parents. As for the 24 year old refusing to drive, you can't make him and to be honest would he be able to afford the insurance. It's astronomical. I'm sorry to say I think this is a case of bitter resentment rather than a lifestyle being seriously impacted. Besides, if you marry someone with baggage then it will be just that - baggage.

The words "he wouldn't dare" are quite telling too. I suspect the DH is between a rock and a hard place with his second wife and his children.

It's extremely rude to cancel plans with anyone because someone else wants a lift instead of getting public transport. Children or not. I'd be pissed off if my DH dropped plans with me to go be taxi for someone. But of course, the 2nd wife is the issue. She's not allowed to be taken into consideration.

Illpickthatup · 10/04/2024 21:54

doodleygirl · 10/04/2024 11:40

Maybe your DH likes the time he gets to spend with his DC. I still gladly act like an Uber driver to my girls who are both adults. Had some fab times being in the car, chatting and singing at the top of our voices.

Not sure why it bothers you so much.

OP literally said her DH is annoyed by it.

Illpickthatup · 10/04/2024 21:50

BedBugs5 · 10/04/2024 10:04

Seems like this is a typical complaining step mum scenario. It is not your stepDC’s fault that their parents have separated and it is not their fault that their is poor public transport provision between their two homes.

It is not fair to inconvenience your DC for a decision outwith your control. I don’t know of many 17 year olds running their own cars these days given the costs (unless you are willing to fund these?).

It seems to me the consequence of you making your DH stop providing lifts would be less frequent visits from his DC- which I get the impression you wouldn’t be displeased about.

Oh of course it's the stepmums fault. Go on say it "you knew he had kids bla bla bla".

It doesn't seem like she is complaining about them directly. She is complaining that her DH is running around after them then moaning about running around after them. DH either needs to tell them no or need to stop moaning about it.

Saymyname28 · 10/04/2024 21:48

Meanwhile ExW refuses to encourage any growing up at all and enables their reliance on parents.

Erm... sounds like your DH is doing exactly the same thing.

However, you and exW chose where to live and created this difficult transport situation for the kids so you are responsible for providing driving lessons or ferrying between parents houses.

Illpickthatup · 10/04/2024 21:44

What the ex wife does is not your business. She can ferry them around all she likes. If your DH is fed up being used like a free Uber then only he can't sort this by saying no. If he panders to them he can't then winge about it. If he's going to continue to run around after them then of course they're going to keep expecting it.

StormingNorman · 10/04/2024 21:40

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/04/2024 20:44

I can guarantee he'd have got a panicked phone call along the lines of 'uh where are you dad, I told you by the powers of telepathy that I needed picking up and taxiing to either end of the city for the entire evening.'

Show quote history

You sound really bitter. If their DD doesn’t mind, let it go.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/04/2024 20:44

Zyq · 10/04/2024 18:48

This is all lateish at night btw, and we only found out about this 'expectation' late last night after DH had to prise out of his son how he was getting to our house.

Why did he prise it out of him? When your DH is dealing with a 17 year old he's entitled to assume he'll make his own arrangements for transport when he chooses to go somewhere else for the day. If your DH hadn't bothered to prise it out of him, he simply wouldn't have turned up to collect his son, and son would have had to get his arse onto a bus.

I can guarantee he'd have got a panicked phone call along the lines of 'uh where are you dad, I told you by the powers of telepathy that I needed picking up and taxiing to either end of the city for the entire evening.'

OP posts:
Zyq · 10/04/2024 18:48

This is all lateish at night btw, and we only found out about this 'expectation' late last night after DH had to prise out of his son how he was getting to our house.

Why did he prise it out of him? When your DH is dealing with a 17 year old he's entitled to assume he'll make his own arrangements for transport when he chooses to go somewhere else for the day. If your DH hadn't bothered to prise it out of him, he simply wouldn't have turned up to collect his son, and son would have had to get his arse onto a bus.

Nicole1111 · 10/04/2024 18:40

One occasion each of being stranded when they expect transport with no prior warning might leave them more considerate in the future. It sounds like your dh is unlikely to be able to put in a boundary even as a one off though, and he may just continue to enable this behaviour.

gemsgv · 10/04/2024 18:36

I usually hate situations like this but for my own children, I'd be much more lenient because I'd want to do things for them.

I usually find the worst group for this are women in their 30s/40s who have "never really needed a car" but only managed this by being driven around their whole adult life by partners etc

If you are going somewhere with them, doesn't matter if it's 1 mile from where you live and they live 8 miles away. You have a car and they don't so they expect you to do the full 32 mile double round trip.

there, I've said it

cellfish · 10/04/2024 18:20

Goldenbear · 10/04/2024 10:17

YABU - IME, it is pretty run of the mill. I am a parent to a nearly 17 year old and I actually want him to get a lift from me or DH if he is arriving home late, I don’t want him to walk home from certain parts of the city (which he often does) as statistically this is a very vulnerable age for being a victim of street crime. In my mind this is being a responsible parent.

if you have the added problem of crap public transport what is the youngest in particular supposed to do, 24 years old is very different to 17.

Same here.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 10/04/2024 18:18

2 busses is absolutely fine.
To all the posters who think the children should learn to drive - my 24 yr old had a two hour lesson that was £76. That’s pretty average, It’s simply not affordable.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 10/04/2024 18:12

parietal · 10/04/2024 09:24

Your DH needs to be busy with other things - an evening hobby or must do reading for next weeks book group or anything so his DC get the habit of travelling on their own.

Or a nice big glass of wine 😆

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/04/2024 18:09

Not many make their kids get the bus to them except those in London/very large cities

Among too many people I've seen, few dare to suggest they get the bus at all - not even for short and easy to access journeys into town or whatever

I once mentioned to an especially spolied 16 year old who was harrassing her mum that there was a perfectly good bus route 3 minutes walk from the house and she looked as if I'd suggested a 10 mile hike over bogs

And then some wonder how this entitlement starts ...

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/04/2024 17:39

Exasperatednow · 10/04/2024 17:04

Does your 21 year old live with you?

Nope she moved out 2 years ago.

OP posts:
Exasperatednow · 10/04/2024 17:04

Does your 21 year old live with you?

Goldenbear · 10/04/2024 16:43

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/04/2024 16:35

@RobinStrike eldest lives further away so it's just when she visits.

Just when she visits, not a huge deal then!

Do you actually like them?

StormingNorman · 10/04/2024 16:38

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/04/2024 10:12

My point is more around the expectation and lack of appreciation, particularly around tonight which is just typical. It's just expected that he'll drop everything to be the taxi service, and if he hadn't checked beforehand what the plan was, DSD would have expected him to magically show up for her without any prior arrangement. It's the thoughtlessness which pisses me off. The eldest is more than old enough to sort out his own transport.

All teenagers are like this aren’t they? 24 seems a bit old but the cost of learning to drive and running a car is far more prohibitive now than it used to be. Perhaps Dad can help fund the driving lessons?

It may also be that they enjoy having time to chat with their dad while they’re in the car…and dad enjoys it too which is why he hasn’t stopped it. That’s quite sweet really.

Exasperatednow · 10/04/2024 16:36

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/04/2024 15:33

It is a little inconsiderate to suddenly spring a late night trip on someone but unless it took hours and unless it conflicted with something you were doing then I think it's fine for the 17 year old to ask.

He didn't even ask though. That's the entire point. He expected DH to magically know through the power of osmosis that he was being expected to taxi him all over the city at 24 hours notice. DH had to wrench the details out of him via very painful text messaging.

Sounds like a normal teenager to me.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/04/2024 16:35

@RobinStrike eldest lives further away so it's just when she visits.

OP posts:
RobinStrike · 10/04/2024 16:34

Having said all that the idea that he needs to be picked up and taken to his mothers and then to your house late at night is ludicrous. Picking up from the station is fine, but then straight home to your house. Anything else can wait til he is back at his mother's.

RobinStrike · 10/04/2024 16:32

Is the 24yo still living at her mother's home? Or does she live elsewhere in your home city/town or further away? Is she just wanting lifts when she is coming to visit you or as a general taxi service when out and about? None of that is clear.
For the 17yo I would guess despite his complaining your DH enjoys having the time to chat in the car and wants to still encourage him to visit. You sound a little intolerant of having them at your house at all, especially given your comment on not having him to stay if his mother moves away.