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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be offended?

71 replies

Glittered · 09/04/2024 17:35

So Ive been seeing a guy for a few weeks
we met online
hit it off straight away. Ive been very selective and saw no red flags
we get on so well and the chemistry was there more so in person

fast forward a few weeks and he said something the other day that has made me rethink the whole thing

we both love banter. i laugh so much when Im with him

He is new to online dating but I was honest and told him Ive been on a few dates but they just werent matches in real life

He constantly calls me a veteran in the online dating world. Ive laughed it off but it does get tiresome he says its just his sense of humour

The other day after we spent a great couple days together he 'jockingly' called me a slag

this was in a text
I was actually quite offended

I didnt reply for a while but eventually told him not to ever call me that again even as a joke.

His reply? he simply put 'soz'

well Im just not good with this.
We still talk but i feel he has gone quiet a bit since this

AIBU?

OP posts:
LoobyDop · 09/04/2024 18:39

toomuchfaff · 09/04/2024 17:56

all depends on the context. if it was back and forth in the context of "banter" and he's northern then its closer to a term of endearment

I’m northern, and this would be an immediate dealbreaker for me.

RazzberryGem · 09/04/2024 18:38

Tbf this is my kind of sense of humour so I wouldn't be remotely offended 🤷🏼‍♀️

I'm imagining that maybe he didn't fully understand how offended you were so probably didn't know how to take it or QUITE what to say in response. I hate messaging people for that reason. You can never get a proper read on someone or their intentions.

I wouldn't dump someone purely for that. You're in the early days, the point is to get to know the other person, find their boundaries, work out how you communicate as a couple, work through things. He jokingly called you a word you didn't like, apologised for it and it's immediate game over? 🤔 seems harmless enough to me personally but only you know your boundaries.

Original poster
Glittered · 09/04/2024 18:38

well hes been quiet with me ever since the slag incident
almost like he is the one offended as i called him out on it?
he has still communicated but i feel a shift now anyway
So Ive not yet blocked him but i have a feeling i am going to
im just gutted though

If he had come back and said im sorry i didn't mean it in an offensive way it wont happen again i think i could have gone past it

But it was the 'soz' i got and nothing more that boiled my piss

OP posts:
Sagittarius · 09/04/2024 18:37

Another northerner here. I've heard this term used in a banterish way, I know a group of friends who always call each other sluts and slags as a term of endearment. I find it odd, but have heard it in this context. If you don't like this though , and I suspect most people wont, then he should have offered more of an apology than just 'soz' which comes across as quite childish too.

Hippomumma2 · 09/04/2024 18:36

no. Throw this one back Op. he is telling you what he thinks of you, just disguising in banter.

Garlicked · 09/04/2024 18:34

Jf20 · 09/04/2024 18:30

Clearly not, why do you keep posting it, 3 times now?

Show quote history

OP wrote:

he replied with 'well i have been doing it about 30 yrs'

i said yeah same lol

then he called me a slag with laughing emojis

If that's your vernacular, the expected reply is, literally, "No, you're a slag!"

Fine if OP doesn't roll that way, but it is a well-worn jocular routine.

Jf20 · 09/04/2024 18:32

toomuchfaff · 09/04/2024 18:32

answering people who make the same comment to say they wouldn't... who didn't read the previous explanation

Show quote history

I think you can stand down.

toomuchfaff · 09/04/2024 18:32

Jf20 · 09/04/2024 18:30

Clearly not, why do you keep posting it, 3 times now?

Show quote history

answering people who make the same comment to say they wouldn't... who didn't read the previous explanation

Jf20 · 09/04/2024 18:32

Garlicked · 09/04/2024 18:30

OK, I also think it was meant lightly and doesn't betray deeply misogynist thinking. At the same time, we're all free to end any relationship for any reason. It doesn't look like you're compatible.

Really? You think a man who thinks a woman who has had sex for years is a slag isn’t in any way mysogynistic? Because I friggen do.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 09/04/2024 18:32

He’s testing to see what he can get away with.

Looks like today he’ll find out.

Concannon88 · 09/04/2024 18:31

I'm obviously in the minority here, but yeah I think yabu. You've based your whole relationship around jokes and banter. How is he supposed to know your boundaries? If I even mention having had a boyfriend or fancying someone my daughter will shout "slag" at me as a joke. I dont mind because I know she's joking, maybe that was his mistake.

Garlicked · 09/04/2024 18:30

OK, I also think it was meant lightly and doesn't betray deeply misogynist thinking. At the same time, we're all free to end any relationship for any reason. It doesn't look like you're compatible.

Jf20 · 09/04/2024 18:30

toomuchfaff · 09/04/2024 18:29

I was meaning this type of context, like Gavin and Stacey... “You slag, YOU slag, you SLAAAG” type thing?

it might not be your way, but the question is it it the OP new fellas way?

Show quote history

Clearly not, why do you keep posting it, 3 times now?

Londonrach1 · 09/04/2024 18:30

The best friend is spot on....my dad would say next...tbh you better single with friends than someone calling you that

toomuchfaff · 09/04/2024 18:29

KimberleyClark · 09/04/2024 18:17

My DH is a northerner and would never call me a slag in any context.

Show quote history

I was meaning this type of context, like Gavin and Stacey... “You slag, YOU slag, you SLAAAG” type thing?

it might not be your way, but the question is it it the OP new fellas way?

Jf20 · 09/04/2024 18:27

That would be a hard no from me and I’d end it. I’d not take someone calling me a slag. To use that word so easily. And a middle aged man saying soz like he’s a 12 year old would give me the ick.

get rid.

pizzaHeart · 09/04/2024 18:27

MILTOBE · 09/04/2024 17:47

I'd dump him for both calling you a slag and saying "soz".

This ^
he is 44 FGS. I can’t imagine this sort of banter beyond just one drunken moment of teenage years.
Dont get into talking with him much, notify that you are dumping him and block. He might produce other pearls which would distract you from enjoying life.

CraftyBum · 09/04/2024 18:26

I think when you've explained the context it's more of a bad joke.

whoscoatsthatjacket2012 · 09/04/2024 18:25

FriedGold · 09/04/2024 18:09

Was it in a Gavin and Stacey way?! “You slag, YOU slag, you SLAAAG” type thing? Or were you actually having a conversation where slag would be a judgement on you? For example:
you - “I got with my ex 1 week after a break up” him - “slag”

Me and my mates all do this as a greeting
Slaaaaaggggg

CantFindTheBeat · 09/04/2024 18:22

Oh my god.

What right minded person still uses the word 'slag' in relation to women, joking or otherwise?

OP - I'd struggle to get past that.

TheSnowyOwl · 09/04/2024 18:21

At least you know he’s not the one for you. Moving on..,

Farahfawsett · 09/04/2024 18:18

Nope.

How has he got to 44yrs old and not realised that this isn't acceptable (both calling a woman a slag and 'soz')??

A woman who has been on dates prior to meeting him 😱🙄

He'll be telling you your not "pure" next.

This shrieks of alpha male misogyny; dump & move on.

KimberleyClark · 09/04/2024 18:17

toomuchfaff · 09/04/2024 17:56

all depends on the context. if it was back and forth in the context of "banter" and he's northern then its closer to a term of endearment

My DH is a northerner and would never call me a slag in any context.

Cbljgdpk · 09/04/2024 18:16

No I would not be having that, not at all

Americano75 · 09/04/2024 18:13

Jesus, no.

And 'soz'? From a 44 year old? Puke.

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