DP and arguments over my shoes

I would be tempted to dress smoking hot for a date then fuck him off at the end of the night.
What's he with you for?

This.

And tell him to fuck off!

If you have to do something you don't like to make a man happy, he is not the man for you. There are plenty of men out there. Some of them will like you for who you are.

@cocunut massive squishes firstly.

him not liking your DMs is one thing… there are things that me and my partner wear etc that the other doesn’t like. Doesn’t mean we expect each other to stop wearing them. There are also things we’d rather the other wore or styled them selves in a certain way. Doesn’t mean we’d outright mention it or expect it.

Your DP saying “see how put together you can look in a nice pair of heels with a dress”. Is my line in the sand however. You are out in public and he makes a remark that implies you aren’t put together, your appearance is lacking and you should dress like a personality that clearly isn’t you. 🚩 🚩 flags galore there.

How fucking dare he.

I can appreciate those type of women. I think to myself how poised they look etc. but they aren’t me. I would feel self conscious, it wouldn’t suit my figure, I don’t want to be a fake person dressing for someone else’s wishes etc.

He either accepts you as you are or moves on.

That said. Irregular choice, Joe browns etc do have some lovely artsy boots. Unfortunately I’m a broad size 9 and can’t wear many of them or DMs anymore (my plantar fasciitis hates them all!). If you had a range of artsy shoes (loads on vinted etc) or some you decorated yourself - it might help with being able to access places that don’t allow boots. That’s as much of a compromise as I’d make.

My DP loves me in heels. That’s unfortunate for him as I’m not spending hours traipsing around cities in heels to one real ale pub after another. Me and my feet demand comfort. So trainers and low boots it is.

See how he feels about these 😁

Sweaty, massive and leaky! 😂

Definitely not arm candy!

@cocunut So for me, it’s important to be with someone who can provide nice experiences as I wouldn’t be able to afford them on my own. My question here is really, if he’s providing the experiences would it be reasonable for my duty to be to provide what he wants Re outfits and footwear (within reason!) ?

And you say you're a feminist?

I'd move on if I were you, you are SO young with plenty of options and opportunities ahead of you. If he wants a girlfriend who's core style is different from yours, why is he with you? It's a big red flag to me.
Most importantly, you are very upset at the thought of wearing these clothes - Trust yourself!
My husband doesn't notice if I dye my hair, unless it is a drastic change. I don't try to change his style and he doesn't try to change mine. I have only one fairly high-heeled pair of court shoes, but not sure where they are, I think I last wore them to a funeral.
Also something to think about for the future: on Mumsnet you will see regular posts from women who's husbands earn a ton and want them to do all the housework and childcare, but then only give them a small amount of money a month. I bet all of those women went into marriage with the expectation that they would be comfortable and never dreamed that they would be counting pennies.

That’s a bit harsh? But I don’t get the sense they are really “ you” OP, given how you have described you like to dress.

OP I’ve just seen your post on whether it is a little bit your “ duty” to dress up the way he likes. No is the answer: big, loud no. You mention you are well matched on many fronts. That is what you bring to the relationship: being you. As others have said, post babies the reality is most people are not the pin up they were. And if you fare ok post pregnancies, you will eventually hit the age slope. Dressing up has to be about you expressing yourself and him liking it as a corollary : it cannot be part of your duty as there will come a time when you can’t deliver in the same way. Sorry but it’s true.

I haven't read the whole thread, so apologies if some one has already mentioned them, but I'm a big fan of a kitten heel and you can get some fab retro styles in them.

(forgot to mention: my SIL sprayed her docs white and wore them under her total-meringue-wedding-dress)

Being ND you are vulnerable to being manipulated by people.

I understand the money is nice and the trips and paid-for dinners are nice - but don't sell your soul to the devil.

Not saying he's the devil but he's using his financial position to push you into uncomfortable territory to make you into something HE wants. Not what you want.

I'd never ask a man to buy me a pair of shoes. That's just so icky. Doesn't it give you the ick?

You're putting his desires and needs above yourself.

Remember being ND you are far more likely to want to please and ingratiate yourself. Please don't send him shoes to buy for you.

Buy them yourself. It's so disrespectful to yourself to ask your sexual partner to buy you something THEY want that you don't to PLEASE THEM but not you.

This post has literally made me wince and make ew faces as I'm writing this post. Quite rare for that to happen. Shows the intensity of feeling I am getting from your writing.

You are young, vulnerable, easily led, you say things "I can't believe he chose me!!!" and "I'm not his usual type" - has he told you that?

You've got very low self-esteem from the sounds of things.

He may be lovely in other ways but if a man told me to wear heels and dresses I'd double down on the DM boots. I'd get a patent pair, or silver spangly pair THAT I LIKE. But I would never, ever wear something for a man because he pays for things. That's a slippery slope to you know where...

Have some respect for yourself girl. Life is not just about money and favours for sugar daddys.

I often wear DMs to weddings if the weather isn't really hot. I have some fantastic silver glitter ones which always go down well, But also my purple ones, my grey ones, my black patent ones...

I'm also a bit eye-rolly about OP saying that criticism is seen as man-bashing. I cannot roll my eyes enough.

In the words of NSYNC, I'd be saying "Bye, Byw, Bye". Next it will be your hair or the car you drive or the music you listen to....

I sort of agree, but didn’t a lot of us improved (read ‘completely changed’) our partners / husbands’ style to suit us? My husband and I laugh to this day at his white trousers and floral shirts.

If you think this thread is "man-hating" then I feel very very sorry you. Good luck, you're gonna need it.

I have been married 40 years and my style has changed over the years . But if my husband out his slip on sketchers to go out for a meal I would say something .

I get it - I think your style rocks, but often if my partner criticises my outfit I know that I look fashionable... but it still hurts. I tend to dress for myself and for other women if that makes sense. My partner hates high waisted trousers for example but I love them - I wear what I feel good in and I think that's ultimately what matters. It might just mean that I don't wear a pair I know he hates on a rare date we go out on (we have kids so date nights are rare now), but might wear something slightly more me with something he likes too. And likewise - I would hope he leaves this one particular polo shirt in the cupboard!

I absolutely think you can be a total feminist and still ask this question.

I find your post a bit unsettling.

You say - I have good figure BUT I like wearing long dresses and loose jeans. Why the heck you think the "but" belongs there? It doesnt. Whatever your looks you can like wearing whatever.
Then you say something along the lines that you need to wear a short dress and high heels to look more girly. You dont.
I aggree that massive boots worn with dresses etc. looks weird but thats still a personal preference and you dont need to be wearing any shoes or clothes just to please a man!
Also, there is a whole spectrum of shoeware betwenn massive boots and stilletos. Dtto dresses or jeans, but again, dont wear what any man tells to wear just to please him.

My Dd wore DM’s to a wedding. Everyone thought it was great. Including the bride.

But if its not appropriate for the setting then it's not a purely a style.
I mean if you wore DMs and baggy jeans to a wedding which didn't state casual then it's just rude.
It's the same with a fancy restaurant most have a dress code of smart/casual with more emphasis on smart!

Anything that anyone has ever suggested I do, I've suggested they try themselves first.

Anyone suggesting I dress up in uncomfortable shoes 'for them' would get v v short shrift. Sign.

Find someone who finds you dazzlingly beautiful even wearing a bin liner. Someone who is proud to be seen with you no matter what you are wearing. You don't have to wear the bin liner, just incase you think I'm asking you to.

This advice may not be welcome, but it will get you a much, much better life than the conditional kind of love that he is offering you.

Foolish man.

These would be a good compromise.

I don't actually think as a pp said you should present this as a kink to him, then that leads straight down to you 'pleasing your man in the bedroom' and a reward sort of system.

I also didn't read you were ND from your OP so apologies for that, I can see why you wouldn't like to wear heels or look a certain way.

As a pp said yes you are from different tribes, you can either celebrate this or not. But chalk and cheese often attract. I would also see it as a good thing and your look probably works really well for your student lifestyle, but I wouldn't want, down the line, for him to try to pressurise you more into dressing the way he likes and less the way you like.

I just remembered another shoe style I loved when I was younger and into my early to mid 20s, these black T bar fabric shoes (you got them really cheaply from ethnic shops), I'm sure a female friend (maybe a boyfriend) commented on those, saying something maybe not negative but like "you always wear those" (they were flat) - well I liked them and they were comfy! I wore them with Laura Ashley style dresses too and long floral ethnic ones.

Please don't dismiss the concerns that others have expressed as 'man bashing'.

Many people, myself and friends included, have seen this pattern in abusive relationships.

The abuser creates an unequal dynamic - a younger, financially dependant partner - or a lower status co-worker. They begin to undermine your self-confidence with comparisons and an implied attraction to other men/women. They try to gradually take control by making you change for them.

I don't think a decent, caring partner would make the comments you mentioned (about other women in restaurants). I don't think anyone would say that with any other intention than undermining you.

He wants you to perform femininity better.