DP and arguments over my shoes

This is a text-book example of negging, OP. Little digs that aren’t ‘being horrible’ but make you doubt yourself. Comparing you to others.

Some men may do this to test the water… then you put some heels on, they’ve won and they ramp it up.

To me, he shouldn’t have got together with you if he just wanted to change you.

I would dig my heels in (ha) and not change a single thing just to prove a point. And be very alert to other ways he might be negging you.

Don't change you for him.

If you want recommendations for sometimes then Irregular Choice are fabulous

Sorry, you are not a feminist if you are considering your clothing choices because he takes you on nice holidays.

wear what you want :)

If you're a feminist maybe pay your own way more. Sounds like he's paying around 100 percent of trips and dinners - that isn't very feminist, especially if you feel you need to dress to suit his taste bc of it. And I'm ok with being treated sometimes or splitting things proportionally, but it's ok to say no to expensive ideas and do things within your budget. That way you won't feel pressured.

I think that aspect is fair enough - and it’s why some posters are suggesting other styles of heel or flats. It must be quite limiting for OP.

But the fact he is focused on the alternative being 👠 is what’s 🤢 - especially since it just doesn’t meld with ops style.

Please don't change how you dress for him. If you're not comfortable in heels and short dresses, don't wear them. There's nothing wrong with how you dress and you should wear what you like, not what your boyfriend thinks you should be wearing! If he doesn't accept you as you are, you don't need new shoes, you need a new boyfriend!

He sounds utterly clueless

short skirts/dresses and high heels are totally out of fashion and have been for ages

If my husband was wearing DM's all day every day I'd probably ask him to broaden his footwear horizons.

I stopped wearing heels a long time ago as I look like a giraffe on drugs and they hurt. I wear flats or long boots or sandals. Trainers if I can get away with it. Even if I was dating rather than 20 years into a relationship, wouldn't change that fact.

To be honest, if I'm not at work and I've changed out of my mucky work gear (usually compost everywhere if not leaves), whoever it is should be flattered

@cocunut concur with everyone here that you are entitled to your own style.

However, understand your partner’s point of view that DM’s are not that appropriate in certain settings.

Have you thought about wedges or a block heel? (I googled ‘hippy dress wedge heels looking for you)

You can also wear more floaty bias cut dresses and look classy.

You don’t need to go short or body con; in fact that can look pretty trashy.

Oh and @StopStartStopdoesn't sound so “strong and so cool” (are you taking the piss?), she sounds like she had a really traumatic time and has a huge amount of experience and wisdom as a result.

Yes, I thought I should have disillusioned the OP myself but gave it a miss. That comment seemed as if it was meant to flatter. It made me wonder if the thread was genuine. 'Strong and so cool' was never me. I just read mumsnet a lot!

This whole thread makes me so sad for you OP.

He really is controlling you, trying to force you to be someone you're not. And to no-one's surprise, what he's trying to force you to be is not, I dunno, 'independent artist woman' or 'sporty health woman' but 'male gaze woman whose shoes hobble her so she can't run away'.

Fewer and fewer women are wearing heels now - because during Covid WFH, they had the unusual opportunity to step back and see 'gender expression' for what it is: a method of control.

When I see a woman wearing high heels now, I see a woman who has been disabled from walking like other humans. I honestly think we'll look back in the future with revulsion, as we do with foot-binding now.

They would both work well with a maxi 👗

I think you should stop accepting the holidays, meals, days out etc - that’s not exactly independent behaviour

Also all the posters offering high heel suggestions…seriously 🙄

I thought the comparison to the glam woman walking past your table was a bit sad. I would hate that. Until I saw that update I had wondered if maybe he was just expressing a wish but didn’t feel strongly about it in light of everything else you had in common. But after that update, it feels more like a problem that he isn’t happy with your authentic self.

I like a good chunky heel as in this:

I can’t do stilettos 👠 they hurt so much it’s not worthy.

I don’t really like shein but it’s for illustration purposes .

I am also a fan of maxi 👗 in summer and I pair them with that kind of shoe.

I’m not dissing them but something tells me that if OP said she’d bought “heels” and then turned up in those DP would think it malicious obedience.

Not that we are any of us advising the DP pleasing route OP.

Yep. So fucking sad.

Oh and @StopStartStop doesn't sound so “strong and so cool” (are you taking the piss?), she sounds like she had a really traumatic time and has a huge amount of experience and wisdom as a result.

It turns out, having the independence and autonomy to pursue and meaningful life is really important. If you’re just an object belonging to someone else, you’re a thing that will be replaced. You have no power or control over your own destiny. Good luck OP, you know better right?

There's notging wrong with wanting to look nice for your partner. Or your partner wanting you to look nice. There is something about always making an effort when you've been together for a while, which is part of what date nights are all about. What you are describing is a world away from that. He met you with your style and now what's to turn you into his 'perfect' woman. You are not a Barbie. He is gently chipping away at you, comparing you to other women. You cave on this and what will be next? I went out with someone for a few months who started doing this if I wore jogger bottoms on a lazy Sunday, saying that women who wore joggers let themselves go. I kept the joggers and let him go. Now I'm with someone who loves all my styles. These are early red flags and I'm not usually one to say leave, but this isn't right honey and will get worse. Xx

Dr Martens do heels!

Not sure why you can't mix it up a bit by transitioning to ankle boots or higher instead of high heels. My partner can't wear high heels but has a nice line of comfy flats and boots and shoes all with small or minimal heels can be worn formally and casually. Plus comfy sneakers can go with some smart casual outfits. I would point out that dressing up now and again is not the same as expecting a "slutty" look some men want to impose on their partners. Some MN-ers will probs point out ad well this is controlling behavs

Yes it is an insult.

I can’t begin to imagine the strop I’d throw at a comment like that.

I absolutely think you should dress for you and I love my docs too. Not sure if they are for you, but if I want to dress up and not wear my boots I have these and get so many compliments, I love them!

Op this IS an insult.

he is saying you don’t look put together. Basically looking a bit shit AND comparing you to other women in public.

if what you’re wearing isn’t appropriate he should tell you at home, in private where you can change not shame you in public like this, even if it’s quietly done. It’s not nice.

also, are the fancy restaurants etc a common occurrence over cinema and subway for example?

are the activities your idea of what you’d like to do together or all his?

what is it you would enjoying doing for dates?