DP and arguments over my shoes

My ex went nuts when I said I wanted to where a pair of converse as they are casual with jeans and he accused me of wanting to attract skater boys. But he would also say I look over dressed in boots what he would call fuk me nows can't bloody win

I prefer designer stubble on men and DH prefers long hair on women. But that's not what we like on ourselves. We accept each other as we are.

My ex, I knew, didn't like particular things I wear. I had less confidence in my style then and I regret that I let him influence me in that way.

On the other hand - there are shoes which are neither DMs nor stilettos which could be a happy medium and suit your style whilst looking a bit lighter?!

@cocunut

focus on your studies and career op - there must be something that you feel interested in and enthused by

and then you can fund your own nice experiences, and dress exactly as you want

Would you like to feel comfortable wearing dresses and pretty shoes? Is he actually trying to give you the confidence? If so, don't go straight to high heels but somewhere in-between. I wish I had the confidence to wear dresses more often but don't want the attention of people noticing!

Irregular Choice shoes are fabulous but they aren't made for walking miles, certainly not the high heels. To go from DM boots you might need something more comfortable to start... have a look at Gabor shoes, they have some very comfortable dressy / heeled boots as well as ballet flats and court shoes.

i think that’s an incredibly helpful and supportive post for OP because my sense is that’s exactly how she is feeling. I think she has an underlying lack of confidence ( from days long gone) and, having found a style she knows how to pull together and which she feels comfortable in, she has become a bit trapped - which is a shame when she is at the age she should be getting max joy from experimenting if she is interested in clothes, which she clearly is. But experimenting is all about finding what makes her feel good- and the right guy will find that attractive.

Another beyond depressing post! Just to be clear, in response to your first paragraph, no we wouldn’t! I couldn’t give a shit what my “man” (bleugh) wears, he’s a grown adult, he can pick himself. And your second paragraph, “you might as well make the most of your fab body while you have it”. It’s fucking wild you can write something like that. So sad for you and anyone else who buys into this crap.

Anthropologie
Urban outfitters
Oliver Bonas

All spring to mind when thinking about a slightly dressier version for people who like DMs, also Vivienne Westwood but it’s v expensive.

Block heels I like Dune, wedges from virtually anywhere should be ok (google ‘block heel’ or ‘wedges evening wear’), next and new look shoes can be comfy too. Clarks comfy. And for cool and popular flat sandals - Birkenstock (not nighttime).

Even lipsy, the slightly posher version of what I would have classed as tart wear, has gone longer length… so really your partner is not on the money there, but perhaps reasonable if you’re going to a posh restaurant that the dms aren’t appropriate.

Happy shopping.

"I am a feminist"
"I want to look nice for him"
"I was looking at high heels...."

Do you see the issue? Partly him wanting to change you but mainly you, thinking about changing for him.

Keep the shoes, dump the dickhead.
Find a man who will adore the real you and believe me there are MANY!!

My social life involves a lot of male mates who bemoan the fact that so many women dress to this instaperfect model asthetic, when what they want is a real life woman who will cheerfully chuck on the docs and meet them in the mosh pit. I suggest you find your nearest metal pub and go there!

FWIW I bought an amazing dress for a "posh frock" NYE party this year (last year. a few months ago, whatever!) it was black obviously, but still ball gowny. Bought some shoes that went with it but I felt like an utter prat in. Put it on with the shoes and DP said "You just dont look very happy in it" and I said that I didnt like the shoes. He suggested I try some of my docs. I decided on the metallic pink pair, he said I looked amazing and I felt amazing. I got so many women saying that they wished they had worn their boots/trainers as their feet were killing them. Most were shoeless by the end of the evening!

If he likes heels that much, he can fucking wear them

He sounds like a vain twat but I do have to agree that those Doc Martens are hardly feminine
He does sound extremely vain though

If you describe yourself as MPDG, then you are dressing as much with pleasing men in mind as you would be in heels and body con. Its just a different trope. Admittedly a more comfy one! With that in mind, I don't think you need to muddy the waters by bringing a feminist slant to what is after all just a difference in opinion on what sort of feminine presentation is most appealing to men.

Tell him to feck right off, just because he treats you to nice things etc does not mean he can tell you what to wear and trying to make you feel insecure. I wear lots of black always have and dress how I want and not what fashion dictates as think so many dress like Las Vegas hookers now. Seems that is the kind of look he is going for. I like alternative and comfy and always wear boots of some kind. I am comfortable in my own skin and am not one for dressing up for someone else. I was with an ex in my late 20's and he liked me to wear dress and little heels and I did but it was not the las vegas hooker look but it just was not me. He did not like my chunky heel runners that was in at the time but I loved them. Don't change who you are for anyone and nice that you have your own style, maybe you need to change your boyfriend before your Boots.

High heels are so naff. He has terrible taste.

I am a bit like you. If I am honest with myself, I dress the way I do because I’m worried about getting it wrong if I try to dress more smartly. I would love to be more feminine, but I don’t know how, so it’s easier to look like I don’t care and I’m not trying.

I am probably projecting, but if there’s a part of you (like there is of me) that would like to look more feminine and ‘together’, then try for yourself. Feminine absolutely doesn’t have to be TikTok ridiculous, it can be smart and confident and flattering and I really wish I knew how to do it.

This isn’t about shoes.

I had an ex in my 20s when I would wear dresses and heels everyday asked me to wear a specific lipstick and stilettos with a mini skirt. He is now married to a woman who wanted to be a submissive wife to him. Luckily the very exclusive all girls school he was deputy head realised also what a creep he was and he no longer works there.

you seem to be willing to sacrifice who you are for money / lifestyle and he seems to be happy to have control and power in the relationship.

You are younger than me but I just can't imagine my husband ever saying that he'd like me to wear high heels or dress any particular way. It's just bonkers to me. Would you ever want him to wear a particular type of shoe? Especially one that he wasn't comfortable in?

You say it's not controlling but it kinda is. Maybe you're just overthinking it but I guess talk to him and explain what your style means to you and if he has a problem with that he's really not the man for you (and also incredibly shallow to boot)

Plus they can cause all sorts of pain in later years.

Not to mention they have the potential to make your feet look really ugly with the damage they cause. Though that could be said of any ill-fitting shoes.

I agree with the PP who suggested you ask him to walk around in a pair for a few hours before he even considers asking you to wear them.

And, yes, you can be a feminist while also wanting to look nice "for" someone.

Also, I am a die-hard DM wearer too, I have platform Jaxons in grey 😊 as well as a flat pair. I do mix up my footwear a bit and have a pair of colourful adidas, some gold Vagabond boots with mini heel for dressier events, and sometimes a pair of loafers. But mostly the DMs! This is the vagabond site, some good dressy not too high options here: https://www.vagabond.com/gb/women/footwear/boots/

Honestly, don’t change to make him happy. This won’t be good for you. I promise. Just wear what you want. Experiment if you want but not for him.

I don’t like that he has expressed dislike of your clothes anyway.

Quite honestly I would tell him to get lost.

Hi! So as much as I think obviously wear what you like I am linking my most favourite heels they’re so comfy they’re the only pair I wear I have lots of different colours. I have been known to run for trains in them with no issues haha. Honestly couldn’t recommend them more, I used to be really into heels and now I don’t bother as much but when I do I always wear these!

https://www.linzi.com/products/tessa-blackgold?_pos=3&_sid=23395b2f1&_ss=r

I love floral dresses, and always opt for flowy type dresses because it’s just me. I’ve tried wearing bodycon and more “sexy” dresses thinking it’s what I should do but actually no! My husband once said he hated one of my dresses as it looked like a curtain - I don’t care. I wear what I want and I won’t change my style for anyone, he still loves me. If he loves you he won't care, wear what YOU feel comfortable and yourself in. Not ever for a man.

Didn’t RTFT but if it was the other way around and OP was bringing her man out to nice places/events and he just wore old jeans and a worn out shirt all the time we’d all be telling OP she needs to get him to make an effort.

OP I never used to wear short skirts due to lack of confidence. I put on opaque tights underneath and I felt amazing. You might as well make the most of the fab body while you have it. Stepping out of your comfort zone can be a huge confidence boost.

@cocunut
You sound like me! I was always DM’s and in the indie clubs. I couldn’t stand high heels.

I probably questioned myself, or thought of myself as ‘weird’ - but I’m now very proud of sticking with my style.
My issue with high heels is that they restrict women. They are uncomfortable, they prevent you from running, doing sport. Their supposed ‘attractiveness’ concerns me as they seem to tap into an old male ideal of submission and constraint.

TBH, the partners I’ve had over the years have respected my style choice and been more forward thinking in terms of their world views. I’ve never been expected to conform or be typically feminine.
Stay as you are, don’t question yourself - but do question whether you are with the right person.

Don't change who you are for anyone! I've worn DMs and skate shoes my whole married life and DH doesn't bat an eyelid. That's because he treats me as an individual rather than an accessory on his arm. Equally I don't care what he wears as long as he and his clothes are clean. I made the mistake you are making when I was younger, pandering to misogynistic ideals from boyfriends. Total waste of time and energy- be you!