DP and arguments over my shoes

I had a twat boyfriend like this once. Run for the hills.

I have just had a look at this ‘oh Polly’ thing…. Literally the new lipsy.

Tart central. @cocunut unless you want to look cheap and like a chav avoid at all costs… speaking of which I can’t believe the price of the dresses!! Looks like £15 not £80!!

Before I get absolutely flamed on here, I am a feminist and yes I know I can wear what I want and am well within my rights to tell him to fuck off!! But, he takes me on lovely holidays, out for dinners, day trips - all of which he pays for - and I want to look nice for him.

Oh come on, seriously? How is this thread still standing 😆

Making fun of someone's shoes is tantamount to bullying.

If your DP wanted a girly-girl, he should've married her.

I love the indie/boho/pixie/emo type of look, and knew many people at college and university who had that look. It was manly creative and artistic types, complete individuals. It's a great look, and if that is you, then it's you!

No need to apologise, wear what you want!

DM are great for your feet too, unlike high heels which are the worst thing you can wear and pull your whole body of of alignment when you stand, let alone walk!

Stand your ground and be you!

OP. You are in your early 20's? You've been with this nob end two years?? Ditch him! You owe him nothing. You certainly don't owe him a dollied up version of yourself in return for him taking you out for the odd meal or holiday, bloody hell. You are your own woman, have some self-respect and find someone who likes you for the person you are, rather than some pornified stereotype.

Personally, I'm 50, I live in DMs in winter and Converse or Teva sandals the rest of the time I enjoy walking comfortably and I like DMs with dresses. Yes they DO go with everything! But more importantly they're supportive (my physio loves her patients to wear DMs!) and comfortable and I feel I can walk around a lot further in DMs than in pretty much anything, bar actual hiking boots.

You're not his fantasy, you're a real woman. Wear what you like, and sod him. Dare I say it, you may look back on this period of your life and shake your head - as you get older, you'll develop more confidence in yourself and in your ability to remain true to yourself and tell controlling bastards like him to get knotted. Good luck!

Someone at the start of the thread said Docs are ugly. They aren't. They're clompier than what I wear (Lanx and Joseph Cheaney) but they are not ugly . It's all subjective but those pairs of shoes, to my eyes, are extremely ugly and dated.

As for your boyfriend and all the posters criticising boots and dresses, I got this in an email recently from Cabbages and Roses. A brand which specialises in the hippy/ dippy/ ditzy/ artsy/ looking like a Thomas Hardly heroine look.

Boots looking fabulous with dresses

Don’t change yourself for a man. You do not owe him “pretty”.

If my daughters thought they had a “duty” to look nice for a man who spent money on them I would be so so disappointed.

What do I do? Do I just suck it up
I cant believe you said that OP.
I would serve it STRAIGHT back to him. I would act like he's not my type & start pressurising him to dress to please me (I'd make sure it was a look he would never be comfortable with of course)

I didn't have a "be careful" view on this until this “see how put together you can look in a nice pair of heels with a dress”. I find a teeny red flag in comparing your looks with those of other women.

I'm a year younger than you. What you're describing sounds like the 1870s, not the 1970s.

No man is worth giving up a pair of beloved, comfy docs for!

Would he wear a pair of for you, if you told him you like men in them? Doubtful.

He needs to either give up nagging you to change or move on.

Don't change yourself for a man, OP.

You wear what you feel comfortable in. I used to wear wedges to go out out in. I have broad feet so can't wear proper heals. Then I found a lovely flat pair in TK Maxx so just wear them to go out out in now.

Definitely compromise sometimes when you are out with him, but don’t go as far as uncomfortable high heels. Just a more conventional comfier shoe/boot.

I love the doc Marin look but there is a time and place for them. Mix and match.

You know he's an arse for asking what he does. But if you want something more comfy for yourself but height adding try those wedges type summer shoes to go with long maxi dresses. They're my go to when my casuals won't cut an ocassion but i cant face the proper high heels anymore. New look do a great thicker heel range too which is more comfy.

He hasn't asked you to wear girly dresses and short skirts or high heels, only said that your Doc Martens don't go with the pretty, floaty dresses you wear. I agree with him. Floaty dresses need elegant shoes and whatever else they are Doc Martens are not elegant. Look for low-heeled courts (avoid kitten heels, they wear out all the time and cost a fortune in re-heeling) and low-heeled strappy sandals to go with those lovely indie dresses, but don't bother with high-heels, they are neither comfy nor practical (and he isn't bothered about them from what he has said)! Save the Doc Martins for the jeans, with which they will go very well.

Your dress style is clearly very much part of who you are, it’s not something you can change. There’s a couple of things I have I know my partner doesn’t like, so I wouldn’t wear them to his birthday dinner - but it’s your whole style that’s in question here.

Taking you out for nice dinners doesn’t mean he’s renting you - I know you know that really, but it’s worth remembering - you in a mini isn’t his side dish.

I love a good heel but avoid these strappy stiletto types. You’ll be in agony 10 minutes into the evening.

will doubtless satisfy no-one, but DR Martens do come with heels (sorta). Women's Heels | Ladies Heeled Boots & Shoes | Dr. Martens (drmartens.com)

Hey OP!
I'm a bit like you I think in the sense of ugly duckling, turned emo teen where puberty made me considerably less ugly, now adult who likes more indie stuff, but my issues with heels is more pain related as I have issues with flat feet lol :')

I also have been told before that my choice of shoes is... Not always ideal.
I have White DM's I adore, many different coloured converses, and a load of almost army style boots that I adore too, plus sketchers just cause they're so damn comfy!

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable tbh. It makes you feel nice to do things your other half likes for special occasions or date nights, I don't think that makes you any less of a feminist at all, just someone who wants to do something their partner will like. If he reciprocates I see no issue at all!

Now for advice!

Heels wise, I always felt like Bambi on ice in them, wobbly and on the verge of falling over- I'm quite clumsy in general tbh!

I'd imagine your partner likes your style, as he wouldn't have gotten with you if he absolutely hated it, so have you considered heels more down the goth alley?
They tend to be a lot easier to walk i as they're chunkier, but also a lot comfier I find!!
Weirdly I find that modern goth stuff gives off "adult emo" vibes so they might be up your alley!
I'll use Killstar as an example, but you can find similar much much cheaper elsewhere or second hand (Ik MN hates SHEIN but if money is tight and you actually get wear out of them rather than use it for 5 minute fashion I don't see much issue).

Heeled Boots;
https://www.killstar.com/collections/boots/products/broom-rider-boots-b

https://www.killstar.com/collections/boots/products/gloomed-and-doomed-boots

"Proper Heel" Heels;
https://www.killstar.com/collections/heels/products/basilisks-pumps

https://www.killstar.com/collections/heels/products/rare-breed-platform-sandals

My husband despises my birkenstocks and uggs. LOVES high heels. Hell will freeze over before I put on a high heel. They are torture, never again. I appreciate that is what he likes but they are my feet and I have my own style. I'd be in something too short, too tight and with painful shoes if left up to him. He is welcome to like any look that takes his fancy, that's not my responsibility though. I dress how I like. Stick with your lovely dms.

• My career of choice is low paid but something I love. As a ND person this is important to me as I have strong values regarding meaningful and ethical work. So for me, it’s important to be with someone who can provide nice experiences as I wouldn’t be able to afford them on my own. My question here is really, if he’s providing the experiences would it be reasonable for my duty to be to provide what he wants Re outfits and footwear (within reason!)*

I think you may need to reevaluate your strong values and ethical approach to work and what that actually means in practice. It sounds like you are in a position where you are either going to have to sacrifice the experiences that you cannot afford or the freedom to make choices about your clothes and self-expression, although it's hard to say how much this is self-imposed based on what you have written.

Your thread title says you have had arguments over your shoes, but the rest of your posts seem to suggest that it's more of a slow drip, drip or negative comparisons and mum-style sighs about you 'ruining' an outfit with shoes he doesn't approve of.

FWIW, I have changed my look several times over the course of my 20-year long relationship with my husband - either because of the work I did, the way I felt about my body, the irrational hatred my skin has for synthetic fabrics, and (most importantly of all) my own comfort. Aside from occasionally telling me I look lovely when I have obviously made an effort, my husband has barely commented on what I wear, has never been negative about any particular item and has only ventured an opinion when I have specifically asked him.

I too lead a lifestyle based on my passion which has meant sacrificing my earning potential to a large extent (and my husband does too, to be fair) and I have done it happily and with no hesitation and never considered changing that to have better holidays or nicer meals out.

If you are conflicted enough about the need for 'nice things' that you are considering compromising your sense of self to achieve it with someone who overtly wants to change you, then it might be worth properly exploring your priorities to make sure you're not losing yourself in the gap between your ethics and your preferred lifestyle.

Get rid OP. There’s man out there who will let you wear DMs. Don’t waste more of your young years on this wanker:

firstly, yes, serious injuries requiring a and e are very commonly caused by high heels, and secondly, and actually far more expensive for the country, the long term damage costs millions of pounds in medical expenses, to the extent that some doctors have called for them to be banned

Oh how wonderful.

I have never heard that before but it is so true.

What would he say if you weren't able to to wear heels?
I used to clump about in 6" heels with 3" platforms when l was young, then 4 or 5" heels for years. Until l broke my ankle in 3 places when l was 40 and had to have it pinned and plated (nothing to do with heels, l was wearing trainers at the time).
I now have an artificial hip as well. I'd love to wear heels but l can't, l daren't risk it, my balance just isn't good enough.
Wear what suits you. If you've been together for two years, he should know your style by now. I assume it was the same when you met and started going out?
He's taken long enough to tell you.