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Original poster

DP and arguments over my shoes

493 replies

cocunut · 09/04/2024 17:05

Hi MN, hoping for some advice/support here or maybe some of you could point me towards a middle ground for us both!

For context, me and DP of 2 years have quite different styles. I’m early 20s, quite conventionally attractive with a good figure(if I can say so myself!) but I like to dress in a more indie way, think loose jeans or long maxi dresses/skirts if I’m dressing up! This is quite different to what I believe is his “type” who are the instagram model types, short dresses, think Oh Polly and just generally very girly outfits. I’ve always had this particular 80s-indie/manic pixie dream girl style (I was a bit of an emo kid at school!!)

The issue here is my shoes. I’ve recently found out that he HATES my doc martens (which I wear with pretty much everything, and have been since we met), and he’s said he “wishes I wouldn’t ruin a lovely outfit with a pair of trainers or boots”. Basically, he wants me in high heels, short dresses, and just generally to look a bit girlier. I’m a bit hurt because I LOVE those boots and would wear them everywhere, I think they go with everything but he vehemently disagrees.

Before I get absolutely flamed on here, I am a feminist and yes I know I can wear what I want and am well within my rights to tell him to fuck off!! But, he takes me on lovely holidays, out for dinners, day trips - all of which he pays for - and I want to look nice for him. BUT I don’t know where the line is between this and staying true to myself.

I was a bit of an ugly duckling until my late teens so I’m quite insecure - I own several short dresses that I know he’d like but I can’t bring myself to leave the house in them!

I tried browsing for high heels today and I actually almost burst into tears because, although I found some lovely shoes, none of them are ME! Same thing for the short figure hugging dresses, I’d honestly feel so insecure and like everyone was thinking im trying too hard. Plus, I don’t think I could even walk in a pair of stilettos without breaking one or more ankles….

What do I do? Do I just suck it up and buy the heels and dresses and wear them for date nights, then wear what I like to work and out with friends?? Or can I (gently) remind him that my style is part of how I express myself and I’m not willing to change??

Worth noting I am ND and was picked on in school for this and also the way I looked which explains some insecurities.

YABU - suck it up and wear the clothes he likes for date nights
YANBU - stick to my own style and remind him it’s a part of my self expression?

OP posts:
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32
ArcticOwl · 09/04/2024 18:34

cocunut · 09/04/2024 18:32

These are all very good points. Is it such a bad thing, however, to want the “princess treatment”? I’m not driven by money or by work. I’ve never had a dream job - I’d love to be a mother and live on a farm and look after the house and children. I couldn’t cope with commuting into the city for more money. My career of choice is low paid but something I love. As a ND person this is important to me as I have strong values regarding meaningful and ethical work.
So for me, it’s important to be with someone who can provide nice experiences as I wouldn’t be able to afford them on my own. My question here is really, if he’s providing the experiences would it be reasonable for my duty to be to provide what he wants Re outfits and footwear (within reason!) ?

Show quote history

just nswering this bit - My question here is really, if he’s providing the experiences would it be reasonable for my duty to be to provide what he wants Re outfits and footwear (within reason!)?

NO! Not reasonable. Be You, be 100% authentically you. do not change yourself for a man, ever.

InTheUpsideDownToday · 09/04/2024 18:34

YANBU!
Be yourself, be you.
If someone loves you they love you no matter what...

StopStartStop · 09/04/2024 18:33

AllPrincessAnneshorses · 09/04/2024 18:29

Many, many NT women know right from wrong and aren't all desperate for partners, thank you.🙄

Show quote history

😂 You've got to be desperate for a fight to take offence at that! Good luck to you!

Original poster
cocunut · 09/04/2024 18:32

StopStartStop · 09/04/2024 18:26

he takes me on lovely holidays, out for dinners, day trips - all of which he pays for - and I want to look nice for him.
Stop it. Unless being a 'kept woman', 'mistress', 'prostitute', or perhaps 'submissive wife' is your aim.
Your style is your style. You don't have to change it for him - you shouldn't, to do so is an affront to your authenticity. He either accepts you as you are or each of you moves on, separately.
Being ND should help you here. We know right from wrong. We aren't desperate for partners.
Notice the way he is undermining you, by pointing out other women he thinks dress the way he likes. It sounds to me like Mens Rights stuff. Pick up artists and incels. Andrew Tate. Men with ideas about what women should or shouldn't be. He's trying to change you. Fuck that. I'm not a sex doll and nor are you.
Make it clear you will be who you are. If he doesn't like that, he has to go.

These are all very good points. Is it such a bad thing, however, to want the “princess treatment”? I’m not driven by money or by work. I’ve never had a dream job - I’d love to be a mother and live on a farm and look after the house and children. I couldn’t cope with commuting into the city for more money. My career of choice is low paid but something I love. As a ND person this is important to me as I have strong values regarding meaningful and ethical work.
So for me, it’s important to be with someone who can provide nice experiences as I wouldn’t be able to afford them on my own. My question here is really, if he’s providing the experiences would it be reasonable for my duty to be to provide what he wants Re outfits and footwear (within reason!) ?

OP posts:
softslicedwhite · 09/04/2024 18:32

cocunut · 09/04/2024 18:26

I love all these suggestions thanks so much everyone! It’s helped me realise I don’t have to fit the “trashy” love island trope to make slight alterations to what I wear.
The thing is he does so much for me, he’s there for me when I need him, he’s a great partner all round and it’s not about the money at all! But without him I wouldn’t get to do all the fun experiences we do together (I am skint so can’t pay my own way as much as I would love to).
He likes to pay for me and I’m pretty sure if I sent him a pair of shoes I wanted he would buy them for me! Hence I want to look nice, without losing myself in his personal preferences. Thank you everyone.

None of the above qualifies him to make such comments to you.

bringmorewashing · 09/04/2024 18:31

I don't like the sound of this. He pays for dates so he thinks he gets a say in what you wear? And his preference just so happens to be for tight dresses and high heels? Hmmm. Sounds like either some sort of kink or maybe you're just not as compatible in worldview as you thought.

I personally would not dress up to please a man regardless of where we went or who paid, and think a good partner would want you as you are.

Also, I suppose he's unaware that tight fitting clothes and high heels have long been out of fashion... even if you were into mainstream fashion it's all baggy jeans and clumpy flat shoes now!

Houseinawood · 09/04/2024 18:30

dirtyblond · 09/04/2024 17:11

High heels are a serious health hazard. They impede your movement, damage your ligaments and risk accidents. No one who cares about you would be pressurising you into these when you clearly dont want to

This. However I’d get some nice stilettos in his style from a charity shop - and ask him to wear them out to dinner. Say you’d appreciate him trying them first. So you can see how comfortable they are.

And don’t let anyone pay for you.

AllPrincessAnneshorses · 09/04/2024 18:29

StopStartStop · 09/04/2024 18:26

he takes me on lovely holidays, out for dinners, day trips - all of which he pays for - and I want to look nice for him.
Stop it. Unless being a 'kept woman', 'mistress', 'prostitute', or perhaps 'submissive wife' is your aim.
Your style is your style. You don't have to change it for him - you shouldn't, to do so is an affront to your authenticity. He either accepts you as you are or each of you moves on, separately.
Being ND should help you here. We know right from wrong. We aren't desperate for partners.
Notice the way he is undermining you, by pointing out other women he thinks dress the way he likes. It sounds to me like Mens Rights stuff. Pick up artists and incels. Andrew Tate. Men with ideas about what women should or shouldn't be. He's trying to change you. Fuck that. I'm not a sex doll and nor are you.
Make it clear you will be who you are. If he doesn't like that, he has to go.

Many, many NT women know right from wrong and aren't all desperate for partners, thank you.🙄

ArcticOwl · 09/04/2024 18:28

as an aside, i recently bought these, and my family are horrified xD

DP and arguments over my shoes
AllPrincessAnneshorses · 09/04/2024 18:27

aesopsgables · 09/04/2024 17:15

If you don't want to change the way you dress then don't. He started dating you in the Doc Martens so he can 'prefer' all he likes but who cares.

Also manic pixie dream girl? Why not punk. MPDG is not something to aspire to.

Says you. I have no wish to "aspire" to punk. It's conformity for unimaginative people who like to pretend they are edgy rebels.

AgnesX · 09/04/2024 18:26

cocunut · 09/04/2024 17:11

I am genuine I’m not sure what you mean by this. I think you can be a feminist but also want to look nice for your partner.

Show quote history

You should want to look nice for you. That he gets the benefit is beside the point.

Wear shoes for him occasionally if you really want to but don't change yourself for him.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 09/04/2024 18:26

cocunut · 09/04/2024 17:50

It’s just silly things that start off as a joke, like about the DMs. That then become serious and have me doubting what I wear. Then annother woman walked past our table in a restaurant and he’ll say things like “see how put together you can look in a nice pair of heels with a dress”. Never directly insulting what I wear, just small things. And if I’m wearing something which I consider a bit “out there” ie not something I’d usually wear at all, he’ll compliment me and say how nice I look! He always says I look nice but it seems to be more when I “dress up” that the compliments start flowing.

No, no & no 😡
I'd tell him to get to fuck personally, he's trying to wear you down and mold you into what he requires. Again, fuck no.
For me this one would be in the bin, don't give a fuck how much he treats you.

StopStartStop · 09/04/2024 18:26

he takes me on lovely holidays, out for dinners, day trips - all of which he pays for - and I want to look nice for him.
Stop it. Unless being a 'kept woman', 'mistress', 'prostitute', or perhaps 'submissive wife' is your aim.
Your style is your style. You don't have to change it for him - you shouldn't, to do so is an affront to your authenticity. He either accepts you as you are or each of you moves on, separately.
Being ND should help you here. We know right from wrong. We aren't desperate for partners.
Notice the way he is undermining you, by pointing out other women he thinks dress the way he likes. It sounds to me like Mens Rights stuff. Pick up artists and incels. Andrew Tate. Men with ideas about what women should or shouldn't be. He's trying to change you. Fuck that. I'm not a sex doll and nor are you.
Make it clear you will be who you are. If he doesn't like that, he has to go.

Original poster
cocunut · 09/04/2024 18:26

I love all these suggestions thanks so much everyone! It’s helped me realise I don’t have to fit the “trashy” love island trope to make slight alterations to what I wear.
The thing is he does so much for me, he’s there for me when I need him, he’s a great partner all round and it’s not about the money at all! But without him I wouldn’t get to do all the fun experiences we do together (I am skint so can’t pay my own way as much as I would love to).
He likes to pay for me and I’m pretty sure if I sent him a pair of shoes I wanted he would buy them for me! Hence I want to look nice, without losing myself in his personal preferences. Thank you everyone.

OP posts:
weareallcats · 09/04/2024 18:24

Don't do it op - he is asking you to MASK, just don't fucking do it. Find someone who likes you the way you are. I would give this advice to anyone, but it is especially important for ND people, when we already have to work so hard to be in the NT world.

Marchintospring · 09/04/2024 18:24

Oh no it gets worse!
Seriously your look is part of you. It matters not if you dress for comfort, have alternative style or dress like barbie - that's how you chose to reflect yourself to the world.
Its not up to him to tell you how to do that.

This clearly matters to him because he's pointing out where you are going wrong (in his eyes). It will always annoy him that you aren't the person that wears little dresses and heels even if you do. Because that's not you is it.

Threelionsandalioness · 09/04/2024 18:24

Fannyfiggs · 09/04/2024 17:14

I love a doc marten and a heel but if my DH said he hates my DMs and wants me to dress like Barbie you can be damn sure I'd be going out wearing a baggy dress, a ripped jumper and a DM on one foot and a skate shoe on the other.

Absolutely brilliant !!! I think I love you 😆 🤣

Original poster
cocunut · 09/04/2024 18:23

sandyhappypeople · 09/04/2024 18:06

I'm going to go a different way with this and say I think you are projecting and being a bit daft to be honest...

You keep saying 'I think' he wants this, 'I think' he prefers that, but the fact of the matter is you've been dating for two years and you've only just realised he doesn't like the shoes you wear?

You're painting him as some sort of control freak sugar daddy who wants you to dress up like a dolly bird for him, when really the only definitive thing you've said is he wishes I wouldn’t ruin a lovely outfit with a pair of trainers or boots.

In fairness I'd feel the same if my partner got dressed up nicely then put on a pair of trainers too.

It doesn't matter whatever his type is and what his past partners have looked like, he obviously loves you for you, he thinks your outfits are lovely, and hasn't actually asked you to change anything apart from wear some nice shoes with your nice outfits?

Hi, I’m trying to do the opposite because I’ve been on here a couple of years and I thought the control freak sugar daddy would be the stance other people would take from this post.
Hes absolutely lovely in every other way, I don’t think he’s deliberately trying to make me feel insecure or trap me at all!
Thank you for your insight!

OP posts:
whoscoatsthatjacket2012 · 09/04/2024 18:22

I definitely don't wear what's considered girlie. I like Doc style boots or converse.
I hate heels and would feel weird so if I need to go somewhere wear docs or cons really aren't appropriate I will wear a nicer boot maybe with a more pointy toe and small heel so it's does like more feminine bit still me
I wouldn't change who you are or what you wear for anyone. If you were a bit Emo it's hard to conform to the girlie style.
My style was always more rock so I lean that way.
Wear your docs. Get pink ones if necessary

FunkyMonks · 09/04/2024 18:21

I love my Docs I have a few pairs of the platform type thankfully my DH has never said or requested I wear high heels and tight fitting clothing he'd have been shown the door as quick as he said it.

Op please don't be forced to change who you are and what makes you happy and comfortable for some dickheads sexist thought that women should be prancing around in uncomfortable footwear and tight clothing just to please him sod that.

Coconutter24 · 09/04/2024 18:20

He might not like them, so what… he started dating you whilst you had your current style so it can’t be that much of a dealbreaker for him. I’m quite girly/feminine in the way I dress but I stopped wearing heals a long time ago I just thought one day why on earth am I wearing something that is not even the slightest bit comfortable?!?! You just wear what you’re comfortable in! I’d definitely be paying my share of holidays, meals etc before I changed what I’m comfortable in just to please someone

ArcticOwl · 09/04/2024 18:20

I think he should shove it.

However, as a fellow alternative/gothy/boot girl, can i make a recommendation, they're a bit 'out there' but check out Irregular Choice and Ruby Shoo, there might be some shoes/boots on those sites that suit your aesthetic :)

abracadabra1980 · 09/04/2024 18:20

I'm older than you and have been married twice. I was quite punky when I was younger, interspersed with girlie. Both partners had ideals of how women should dress. I'm now single and IDGAF what them, or anyone else thinks about how I look. I've always had a pair of DM's in one form or another (currently Chelsea boots), now love Birkenstocks, surfy clothes and outdoor/country wear as I'm always muddy and out with dogs. Never been happier than to be in control of my own thoughts and ideas. It's liberating.

UsualChaos · 09/04/2024 18:19

I think boho dresses and dm's look absolutely brilliant, especially if you're young and slim! And I love long dresses and pumps too. I'm really glad that this is now an acceptable look, because it makes dresses so much more wearable imo.
I'd stick with it, personally; or get a pair of boots that are lighter?

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