DP and arguments over my shoes

Have only read OP. You don't have to change your look for some misguided attempt to make him happy.

Presumably he knew how you dressed when you met. My husband knows that 99% of my clothes are black. I will never change and he wouldn't ever expect or ask me to.

Keep the DM's ditch the boyfriend.

It is so frustrating to see genuine concern dismissed as "classic MN man-bashing." 🙄 It's a shame you can't see the red flags waving in your boyfriend's attitude.

Have only read OP. You don't have to change your look for some misguided attempt to make him happy.

Presumably he knew how you dressed when you met. My husband knows that 99% of my clothes are black. I will never change and he wouldn't ever expect or ask me to.

Not even older women just any women.

OP will learn eventually.

If it's a confidence thing and you secretly fancy trying some girly shoes I recommend starting with a kitten heel or a wedge!

If you have no desire to wear girly shoes, then don't do it!

It's best to be with someone who thinks you're amazing the way you are, plenty of guys love a girl in DMs.

If you fancy trying a shorter dress, I recommend wearing tights the first time. Sitting down in a short dress is a bit of a shock because your legs get cold!

You realise this is a form of negging? It starts with shoes...

Posters are simply pointing out you’re in an unhealthy dynamic. But you seem fine going along with whatever he wants for the money, so good luck.

This thread is so sad to read. Another generation who is happy to be trampled on without learning from the mistakes of older women.

I like dressing comfortably personally and think comfort = sexy. But I do think heels look great with the right outfit. You should dress in what you feel good in. Maybe mix it up a bit to give you confidence?

I’ve never had a dream job - I’d love to be a mother and live on a farm and look after the house and children. I couldn’t cope with commuting into the city for more money. My career of choice is low paid but something I love. As a ND person this is important to me as I have strong values regarding meaningful and ethical work.
So for me, it’s important to be with someone who can provide nice experiences as I wouldn’t be able to afford them on my own. My question here is really, if he’s providing the experiences would it be reasonable for my duty to be to provide what he wants Re outfits and footwear (within reason!) ?

I am 66. I've seen a lot. I started off from your position, but in the 70s when it wasn't too long after that was what people expected of middle-class women (some working class women always worked). I know the appeal. But... I've seen so many women dumped, left with children and no means of support. I was divorced at 28 with a four year old child, no education, no career. Don't do that to yourself.

My parents, like me, fondly believed that girls married and then their husbands 'kept' them for the rest of their lives. We were supposed to look nice, go out to lunch, be available in the bedroom and turn a blind eye to infidelity.

So, if you were a dd of mine I'd say:
Sort out a job with progression, be ready to financially support your children just in case you need to.
Make your education/work continuous, even if sometimes part time. One of the things that went in my favour was that even when I wasn't working, I was studying, picking up skills and qualifications as I went.
If you are going for the 'man who provides', you can make it work but always have your escape route and plan B at the ready.
Draw a firm line about what you do/wear for him. If he wants you to wear something in particular, he needs to buy it for you. But if he wants to buy you something you aren't comfortable with, refuse.

I didn't get my farm or my six children, and at 66 I don't look as I did at 17. My dream lover died of a heroin overdose at 26. If you know what you want, go for it, but protect yourself all the way.

For yourself only , if you think you may be lacking in self confidence why not look at nobody’s child or never fully dressed at maxi midi dresses and block heel sandals ( look at dune) or metallic converse trainers . Break yourself in gently . Definitely don’t try to go to high stilettos from doc martins that will be a failure . Just for you try some different things . You might be just a hippy at heart ❤️ . This is from a pensioner who wears doc Martin style with lots of dresses as I definitely can’t wear high heels anymore . But will wear trendy trainers and low shoes sometimes.

Ps - start with wedges if you want to wear heels that was a steep learning curve after rigger boots 🤣

There's definitely a middle ground here.

My oh and I met working in a mechanics workshop. He fell in love with the girl in the oily overalls and steel toe capped boots, the broken fingernails covered in grease and the hair coming loose from the ponytail.

I am, on paper, not his type. Not blonde, size 6 or forever wearing heels and a mini skirt.

I will mostly wear funny leggings and vest tops. But when the weather nice and I feel like it I'll don a miniskirt or something I know he likes or a hybrid style (mini skirt covered in skulls for example!) Same as he doesn't love v-neck tops on him but he knows I do so once in a while when that's the tshirt that falls out cupboard he'll wear it.

The irregular choice shoe thing is the way to go - maybe a shape of clothing he likes in a pattern you like.

I actually found I quite like dresses - one item of clothing = full outfit, none of this does that top suit the bottoms etc 🤣

This topic is obviously catnip to Mumsnet!

Is this a deal-breaker for him? I suspect not. Is it even any sort of a big deal? I suspect not again.

Did you discover your own unique style, or did you join a tribe and follow it's dress code? That's OK, and it gets us through teenage insecurities, but is it that big a deal now?

I’m all for expressing oneself through one’s own sense of style but … I don’t think DMs go with everything. There are some really cool, feminine shoes that are nothing like crazy Louboutins. Comfortable but also attractive … I’m not a huge fan of stilletos but I do think DMs are too ugly for dresses …

No I’m saying that kind of relationship dynamic is toxic and a slippery slope.

Had he actually said he wants you to wear high heels or that he hates you wearing your doc martens all the time? 'Cos those are two different things.

Where did you get that he wants her to do sexual stuff she doesn't want to? I missed that, but that is indeed a huge red flag.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow Yeah, I don't see the issue personally. But then I've never been to a place where I can't sit outside if I'm wearing boots, so clearly not going to fancy enough places!

Yup.

No way on Earth is this genuine, unless feminism is now about dressing how men want because they pay for your holidays

This.

That's not a compromise is it, it's just doing what he's asking for. Do you even like them? I think they're ghastly and you'd need to really keep on top of your foot health due to callouses and rubbed sore bits.

Plus, there's probably about three days a year you can wear such a nothing shoe.

This is the compromise:

https://www.drmartens.com/uk/en_gb/polley-smooth-leather-mary-jane-shoes-black/p/14852001?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwztOwBhD7ARIsAPDKnkCpfQkJhMwyoHmlfZCJEoxh0Vjh8VQk5WKS0o2G8Blw1EUxXn3OGlwaAnFBEALw_wcB