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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think people shouldn’t have new babies when there’s so many unresolved issues with older kids

215 replies

YaMuvva · 09/04/2024 16:17

Yes it’s very judgy but I actually despair at rate of which some people are having new children when they already have problems with their other children.

I say this because there is a girl in DD’s class (year 6, this girl is 10) that is an absolute nightmare. DD only started her new school in September because we relocated and several other girls warned her about this child. Nevertheless, DD is naive/too nice and befriended her to her detriment. I had to get VERY arsey with the school before they actually did something about the fact this girl was calling DD nasty names every day (ugly, fat etc - DD is actually skinny and this girl is overweight), making fun of the fact DD has learning support, shoving past her hard (she’s much bigger than my DD) but never hurting her badly or obviously enough to raise suspicion from teachers she always does an ‘oops didn’t see you there’ thing, and teaching DD very inappropriate things (for example she taught DD a ‘blow job’ gesture 😡). If DD didn’t one day behave however this 10yo liked - such as didn’t play with her that day - the 10yo, who has a TikTok account, would make TikTok’s about her even naming her (I actually pulled her aside in the playground and told her to stop). I know because I found her and follow her!

I didn’t like to ban DD from being friends with anyone as I think it’s important that they navigate friendships themselves but because my DD is gullible this girl would make her feel like shit for 4 days then be sweetness and light on day 5 and DD would say “Oh no she’s apologised and she is sorry for what she did.” I just thought the situation was too toxic. So I have said to DD that she isn’t to go anywhere near this girl and if I found out she did she’d be punished. The mums of other girls experiencing the exact same with their DDs and this child have said the same to their girls. This 10yo has been the same since infants apparently And has a long rap sheet of bullying, inappropriate behaviour and nastiness.

Anyway this 10yo has an interesting family tree. Her parents (who are fully aware of what she is like because I’ve told them, as have others, as have the teachers) were married and had her and her older sibling. They then split up, the mum met a new man and had a baby who is now 3. She then split with him, had a new baby with an even newer man, this baby is 6 months old. The dad remarried and had another child who is now 6, they divorced and him and his new wife, wife no 3, have just had a baby a few days ago, the dad was showing the baby off in the playground at pick up.

I suppose I’m angry because she shoved past my DD again today in the corridor and hurt her shoulder and I’m fucking sick of all this never ending. I’m here fretting my backside off about my my DD getting picked on and her bully’s parents are just in the business of churning out more and more kids. Surely a half decent parent whose existing children have serious problems would prioritise that rather than just constantly changing partners and popping out more?

DH’s sister did the same but on a different level. She split up with her DH (whom she had 2 kids with) and immediately started dating a colleague. She was pregnant within three months of them dating, they weren’t using protection because it’s a ‘mood killer’. Her existing teen and pre-teen were really hit hard by their parents split and within 4 months they were meeting a new partner and preparing to welcome a half-sibling. My niece, who was a pre-teen when this all happened, is very close to us now as a young adult and the anger she feels at her mum moving on and having family no 2 in less than a year of her splitting with her dad has just about broken her, and they barely have a relationship. She feels her mum never considered her or her sister in her plans post-split and I’d have to agree with her.

AIBU to think people should get their houses in order before they bring new people into their kids lives - partners AND babies? I feel that particularly with DD’s bully it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that a lot of her issues will stem from so many changes and inconsistencies in her life, and it’s people like my DD and the other girls in year 6 paying the price for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
YaMuvva · 09/04/2024 18:56

LittleBearPad · 09/04/2024 18:53

The school should be flagging a safeguarding concern as god knows where the child is spending her time on the internet but the child is no responsibility of OP.

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I imagine they have but they wouldn’t share something like that with me

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 09/04/2024 18:53

Alwaysalwayscold · 09/04/2024 18:12

Okay so there's a child who has an extremely chaotic and neglectful home life. She has full access to tik tok. She's learning sexual gestures and vile language all at the age of 10 years old.

And you think it's appropriate to gang up with other school mums and form a witch hunt against her?

The school should be flagging a safeguarding concern as god knows where the child is spending her time on the internet but the child is no responsibility of OP.

Original poster
YaMuvva · 09/04/2024 18:50

@LakeTiticaca she does boxing! And is very good at it. But she is instructed to not resort to violence unless someone is coming right at her (we can’t justify thumping someone over a shoulder shove, as much as I would be happy with that it’s only DD who would get into trouble for disproportionate force).

OP posts:
LakeTiticaca · 09/04/2024 18:48

Enrol your DD into self defence classes. It will give her the confidence to deal with people like this bullying girl.
I agree about people splitting with partners and continuing to breed with very new partners. A friend of my niece has done this, 4 children by 3 different partners in very quick succession, with every new baby the older ones get pushed further away while she's busy canoodling with her latest beau
( all.of the father's are unemployed losers)
I really feel for the kiddies, they always look so miserable and very shabbily dressed

D3LAN3Y · 09/04/2024 18:47

Okay so there's a child who has an extremely chaotic and neglectful home life. She has full access to tik tok. She's learning sexual gestures and vile language all at the age of 10 years old.

Yes which school are failing to safeguard.
They are also failing in their duty of care to support the OPs daughter who needs additional support which the bully in question is taking advantage of and manipulating to her advantage - I wonder where she is learning it from. Maybe school should be addressing the worries of the bloody parents and dealing with the issues being raised by the very concerned parents?!

Original poster
YaMuvva · 09/04/2024 18:42

KomodoOhno · 09/04/2024 18:37

Is the school taking action to safeguard your dd

Not as much as I’d like them to. They only took affirmative action once I went crying to the governors with other parents, but really a child who relentlessly bullies other girls and has done for 5 years with very little change needs booting out and the other children need protecting IMO

OP posts:
Original poster
YaMuvva · 09/04/2024 18:40

You can tell half the people on here haven't had their kids bullied and it fucking shows.

Yep!! I don’t think people realise what it’s like to witness the person you love and adore the most in the world so upset and heatbroken because of someone else and there’s nothing you can do.

I have absolutely no problem teaching this child that bullying does not pay. DD is 11 next month and is having a pamper and pizza party at home. There are 12 girls in the class, including DD, and so I’ve invited the other 10 girls and not the bully. If I’m asked why by anyone, including the child, I’ll be telling them exactly why she has been excluded. I think bullies need to be called out.

OP posts:
KomodoOhno · 09/04/2024 18:37

Is the school taking action to safeguard your dd

Original poster
YaMuvva · 09/04/2024 18:28

Alwaysalwayscold · 09/04/2024 18:12

Okay so there's a child who has an extremely chaotic and neglectful home life. She has full access to tik tok. She's learning sexual gestures and vile language all at the age of 10 years old.

And you think it's appropriate to gang up with other school mums and form a witch hunt against her?

Yes, because she is bullying my DD. She is old enough to learn that if she treats people like shit they will soon ditch her.

What would you do? Buy her a crème egg and give her a cuddle?

OP posts:
Original poster
YaMuvva · 09/04/2024 18:25

brocollilover · 09/04/2024 17:48

no op
i don’t think threatening your daughter with punishment if she interacts with the girl is the “right thing”!!

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Even though you said yourself it’s worked 😂

What exactly is the problem with that - are you on of those parents who never punished their child?

OP posts:
Alwaysalwayscold · 09/04/2024 18:16

Oh also, the parents are not having issues with the child.

The parents are the issue.

Alwaysalwayscold · 09/04/2024 18:12

Okay so there's a child who has an extremely chaotic and neglectful home life. She has full access to tik tok. She's learning sexual gestures and vile language all at the age of 10 years old.

And you think it's appropriate to gang up with other school mums and form a witch hunt against her?

D3LAN3Y · 09/04/2024 18:08

You can tell half the people on here haven't had their kids bullied and it fucking shows.
I can't stand it when schools do nothing. The girl was blasting her kid all over tik tok. School will claim they can't do anything about that, parents like what OP have described won't give a shit and the little twerp will plead her innocence and keep taking advantage of OPs DD.
I don't blame OP one bit for what she has done so far.
YANBU when it comes to people churning out more kids, especially in new and unstable relationships. (Without care or in regards to their older kids or more difficult kids). They need care and attention to address the difficulties they are going through but why bother when you can start again with a new baby, with a new partner and re write the story eh?

Vacantstare · 09/04/2024 18:04

softslicedwhite · 09/04/2024 16:35

None of that has anything to do with you, at all.

It's true though

Vacantstare · 09/04/2024 18:00

YANBU. Ignore the do-gooders with their MYOB comments.

I completely agree. Yes, it's judgemental but it's true isn't it? From my experience, it's always the same types popping out more kids when they don't bother/are failing to adequately parent their existing ones.

Parenting your child(ren) should be the priority, not bringing more kids into the world in what is usually a chaotic home environment!

If that makes me judgemental then so be it🤷🏻‍♀️
People shouldn't be adding to their family when their existing children clearly have problems that require time and attention to resolve. It's common sense. Put your children first. They need proper attention and the more children you add into the mix the more diluted that becomes....

Blackcats7 · 09/04/2024 17:54

There are women who have a new baby with each new man, either their idea or his. There are also women whose only outlet for their identity is as a new mum with a baby. Then there are those who take little if any care with contraception.
I think people should always consider their existing children first but it is unlikely that anyone who is actually a dysfunctional parent will have the self awareness and level of responsibility to do so.

wplaf · 09/04/2024 17:54

I have to agree that the bully girl’s parents have made some poor choices.

The girl is 10 and her behaviour is terrible (and has been for the majority of her life). It’s also hurting others, both physically and mentally.

Instead of working together (whether married or separated) to help the 10yo lead a more productive life, between them, her parents have chosen to have 4 more little children with 4 different other parents. I can’t imagine either parent can help the 10yo much now with anything. They must be run ragged - 4 young kids, 10yo bully and her older sibling.

MsLuxLisbon · 09/04/2024 17:51

OP, I agree. Classic problem families. Ignore people that say you are judgy (and as for the person who said you were 'bullying' your daughter, I haven't got a big enough eyeroll) Well, perhaps you are, but if so then so am I. No point having a mind so open that your brain falls out. I feel the same about people who have multiple children then whine about the cost of living.

brocollilover · 09/04/2024 17:48

YaMuvva · 09/04/2024 17:21

As much as it can be right now - so I imagine you agree I did the right thing then after you’ve called me a bully?

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no op
i don’t think threatening your daughter with punishment if she interacts with the girl is the “right thing”!!

darkchocolatecoffee · 09/04/2024 17:46

Yes I agree with you. I posted earlier about people churning out kids when the man is useless (creating unstable environment). Unfortunately there will always be a certain set of society who churn out more children they can’t emotionally and financially take care of. I hope you get the bullying sorted out.

katebushh · 09/04/2024 17:41

You're not wrong. We're not allowed to comment though as saying so makes us evil communists.

Original poster
YaMuvva · 09/04/2024 17:26

AnitaLoos · 09/04/2024 17:08

Calling a child with special needs (a disability) the r word is totally unacceptable and should be treated at school in terms of consequences in the same way as using the n word and that’s what I’d insist on. I applaud you for doing what you needed to do to make your poor vulnerable daughter break her confused dependence on this very unpleasant child (I’d use stronger language about her if I was speaking to you directly!). Yeah, it’s probably not great for her that her home life is the way it is, or that her parents don’t seem to care about her bullying, but there’s nothing you can do about that and my sympathy is for the children whose lives she makes a misery.

DD doesn’t have special needs or a disability she just accesses learning support for maths to help bring her up to year 6 level. The support is absolutely incredible, she’s come on leaps and bounds after her last school was useless and refused to give her learning support, which is why I’m overall happy with keeping her there until September when she starts secondary. But otherwise you’re right, she is not academically as advanced as others as the R word is never OK. I was quite annoyed how the school didn’t seem to be that horrified about it. I had to repeat it because I thought they didn’t hear me the first time!

OP posts:
Original poster
YaMuvva · 09/04/2024 17:23

LaVieestBelleNestCePas · 09/04/2024 17:07

Yes!! Damn I’ve messed up!!! How to fix!?

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Lol I did read it wondering how it relates to the OP 🤣 report it to MN and ask them to post as a new thread. Copy the content just in case, just so you don’t lose it!

OP posts:
Original poster
YaMuvva · 09/04/2024 17:21

brocollilover · 09/04/2024 17:03

so sounds like all sorted

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As much as it can be right now - so I imagine you agree I did the right thing then after you’ve called me a bully?

OP posts:
Original poster
YaMuvva · 09/04/2024 17:20

namechangedtoday2023 · 09/04/2024 17:02

YaMuvva well, if the parents are both fobbing you off, it's clear they are not that bothered about their child's bullying. And that would grate on me too!

If you feel like the school aren't doing enough, you can take it to the Board Of Governors. As a last result, that is what I did when one of my elder children was at school.

Me and some other mums have done that already which is what prompted a plan to reshuffle the classroom and keep them all away from each other. But there’s a teacher a TA and class of 30, there aren’t enough eyes to make sure it happens 100% of the time which is why I reinforced it by banning DD from speaking to this girl, as did the other mums.

Keeping an eye on it and if it starts to slip in going immediately to the governors again. I have already emailed the teachers about DD being shoved today so planning to speak to them at drop off tomorrow.

OP posts:
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