Page 2 | To think people shouldn’t have new babies when there’s so many unresolved issues with older kids

YaMuvva · 2024-04-09T15:17:10+00:00

Yes it’s very judgy but I actually despair at rate of which some people are having new children when they already have problems with their other children. I say this because there is a girl in DD’s class (year 6, this girl is 10) that is an absolute nightmare. DD only started her new school in September because we relocated and several other girls warned her about this child. Nevertheless, DD is naive/too nice and befriended her to her detriment. I had to get VERY arsey with the school before they actually did something about the fact this girl was calling DD nasty names every day (ugly, fat etc - DD is actually skinny and this girl is overweight), making fun of the fact DD has learning support, shoving past her hard (she’s much bigger than my DD) but never hurting her badly or obviously enough to raise suspicion from teachers she always does an ‘oops didn’t see you there’ thing, and teaching DD very inappropriate things (for example she taught DD a ‘blow job’ gesture 😡). If DD didn’t one day behave however this 10yo liked - such as didn’t play with her that day - the 10yo, who has a TikTok account, would make TikTok’s about her even naming her (I actually pulled her aside in the playground and told her to stop). I know because I found her and follow her! I didn’t like to ban DD from being friends with anyone as I think it’s important that they navigate friendships themselves but because my DD is gullible this girl would make her feel like shit for 4 days then be sweetness and light on day 5 and DD would say “Oh no she’s apologised and she is sorry for what she did.” I just thought the situation was too toxic. So I have said to DD that she isn’t to go anywhere near this girl and if I found out she did she’d be punished. The mums of other girls experiencing the exact same with their DDs and this child have said the same to their girls. This 10yo has been the same since infants apparently And has a long rap sheet of bullying, inappropriate behaviour and nastiness. Anyway this 10yo has an interesting family tree. Her parents (who are fully aware of what she is like because I’ve told them, as have others, as have the teachers) were married and had her and her older sibling. They then split up, the mum met a new man and had a baby who is now 3. She then split with him, had a new baby with an even newer man, this baby is 6 months old. The dad remarried and had another child who is now 6, they divorced and him and his new wife, wife no 3, have just had a baby a few days ago, the dad was showing the baby off in the playground at pick up. I suppose I’m angry because she shoved past my DD again today in the corridor and hurt her shoulder and I’m fucking sick of all this never ending. I’m here fretting my backside off about my my DD getting picked on and her bully’s parents are just in the business of churning out more and more kids. Surely a half decent parent whose existing children have serious problems would prioritise that rather than just constantly changing partners and popping out more? DH’s sister did the same but on a different level. She split up with her DH (whom she had 2 kids with) and immediately started dating a colleague. She was pregnant within three months of them dating, they weren’t using protection because it’s a ‘mood killer’. Her existing teen and pre-teen were really hit hard by their parents split and within 4 months they were meeting a new partner and preparing to welcome a half-sibling. My niece, who was a pre-teen when this all happened, is very close to us now as a young adult and the anger she feels at her mum moving on and having family no 2 in less than a year of her splitting with her dad has just about broken her, and they barely have a relationship. She feels her mum never considered her or her sister in her plans post-split and I’d have to agree with her. AIBU to think people should get their houses in order before they bring new people into their kids lives - partners AND babies? I feel that particularly with DD’s bully it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that a lot of her issues will stem from so many changes and inconsistencies in her life, and it’s people like my DD and the other girls in year 6 paying the price for that.

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Original poster

YaMuvva · 10/04/2024 08:32

RosesAndGin · 10/04/2024 06:21

Oh for goodness sake, please don't justify why you are not inviting your child's bully to her birthday party!
Some people on here are so keen to be seen to be 'holier than thou' that their brain must be in knots from all of the mental gymnastics they have done to come to the conclusion that you are in the wrong for not inviting the bully 🙄
Regardless of this kids home life she needs to learn quickly that her actions have consequences, it's how we learn to get along in society. If we don't learn those lessons we grow up to be antisocial adults that make people miserable (how many threads do you see on here about antisocial neighbours? Do you think they were once perfectly angelic children that just went rogue when they reached adulthood)
Perhaps not being invited to the party will teach her a lesson that her parents have neglected to teach her.

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I honestly feel sorry for the children of these people. Total wet wipes who will not prioritise supporting their child.

I stand by what I said earlier too that these children whose parents think they’re incapable of doing wrong and that a 10yo brain doesn’t understand that calling a so-called friend a r*tard is wrong, produce the bully kids and then sit in denial claiming their precious darling is incapable of being unkind.

OP posts:

Daisybuttercup12345 · 10/04/2024 06:47

MartinsSpareCalculator · 09/04/2024 16:24

I'd say it isn't really your place to be making judgements on the private lives of these people.

By all means address the bullying, but you've got no right whatsoever to dictate when or how other people should have children.

There's an awful lot to be said for just minding your own business.

I agree with this.

VestibuleVirgin · 10/04/2024 06:32

brocollilover · 09/04/2024 16:23

i do

and you seem to bully your own daughter

threatening her with a punishment if she goes near this girl

who needs enemies when you have a mother throwing down threats like that

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Don't be so ridiculous. Sometimes you have to give your child an ultimatum to ensure they understand the seriousness of the issue.
Sadly, this bullying child is a product of a selfish mother. The poor mite is acting out because her mother cannot apparently, survive without a man, while not being able to stay with one for more than 5 minutes. And clearly ignores contraception
I hope you are never in a position like this. Or are all of your children's friends perfect?

RosesAndGin · 10/04/2024 06:21

YaMuvva · 10/04/2024 00:16

I would not have told my child I would punish them... I would tell them to not play with them, distance themselves, approach a responsible adult, fight back even but I would not punish them for talking to another DC in their class, ffs!

This child goes between breaking my DD’s heart with nastiness and love bombing her - my DD doesn’t have the understanding that that doesn’t make her ‘a friend who sometimes cocks up’ it makes her a friend she has a toxic and unequal relationship with.
I took the last resort to making sure my DD could see how enriching a life can be without a bully trying to be your mate. I can cope with the pearl clutchers because I made the right choice.

You've invited every single one of your DDs classmates to her party and excluded this one child and will happily tell anyone why you've done it.

Yep.

Otherwise the options are:

Invite her (I’m not having a bully at my DD’s party)
Not have a party (why should DD suffer)
Lie to the bully about why she isn’t invited. I’m not the lying type especially to protect the feelings of a bully. I also don’t agree with lying to children - the truth will not kill them and also they aren’t stupid.

if I have to tell her why she’s not invited (I won’t offer this information unless someone asks) it will serve as a stark reminder that if you bully half the girls in your class you won’t be invited to parties. It’s a fair reason to not invite someone. At what age would you expect children to learn the lesson that actions have consequences, especially when those actions are consistent cruelty to someone who is supposed to be their friend? I’m not tiptoeing around the feelings of a bully or thinking of lies to tell her about why she isn’t invited. I have better things to do.

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Oh for goodness sake, please don't justify why you are not inviting your child's bully to her birthday party!
Some people on here are so keen to be seen to be 'holier than thou' that their brain must be in knots from all of the mental gymnastics they have done to come to the conclusion that you are in the wrong for not inviting the bully 🙄
Regardless of this kids home life she needs to learn quickly that her actions have consequences, it's how we learn to get along in society. If we don't learn those lessons we grow up to be antisocial adults that make people miserable (how many threads do you see on here about antisocial neighbours? Do you think they were once perfectly angelic children that just went rogue when they reached adulthood)
Perhaps not being invited to the party will teach her a lesson that her parents have neglected to teach her.

MigGirl · 10/04/2024 01:12

@YaMuvva, did you tell the school about the sexual hand gesture? This is a big red flag for safeguarding. They need to know, sounds like it could be from unsupervised Internet use though as much as anything.

I actually feel quite sorry for this child, she not having a great life and seems to be acting out at school because of it.

It maybe horrible for your DD and yes the school should be addressing the bullying. But you also shouldn't be speaking to her directly either and I'd unfollow her ticktock to, as it's also a safeguarding issue. I assume the school know about her ticktock account? they can and should sanction her for bullying happening on social media (although high schools are probably more used to dealing with this).

ASimpleLampoon · 10/04/2024 01:06

Feel slightly hypocritical voting YANBU as I had my two close together due to being an older mum and wanting a sibling for my first. My first was the easiest baby though and ND traits didn't show until the second was two! If I'd been aware of issues I may have stuck to one child as fighting the SEND universe for more than one would not appeal to me at all!

Original poster

YaMuvva · 10/04/2024 00:55

Noyesnoyes · 10/04/2024 00:45

So you've learnt to take the law into your own hands by being taught by a parent?

Be careful what you are also teaching your child,

It's really not always a good thing.

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The law? 🤣

Its not against the law to talk to children.

I learnt from my dad how bloody good it feels to know your parent has your back, will be there for you and will stand up for you. I was so proud he was my dad that day, he put an abrupt stop to months of hell I’d been enduring.

A poster upthread mentioned how she was bullied and her parents did nothing, and she’s still traumatised by it. I’m sorry that poster didn’t have a parent who stuck up for them and I certainly won’t let me DD ever feel that way.

OP posts:

Noyesnoyes · 10/04/2024 00:45

YaMuvva · 09/04/2024 23:40

It's actually in the behaviour "Parent/Carer Code of Conduct" at our school that parents aren't to approach other people's children to chastise them

Im sure it’s probably in ours too but frankly when schools aren’t doing enough about bullying they leave little choice for parents but to deal with it themselves. Frankly I’ve rarely heard a story where bullying stopped purely through the intervention of the teachers.

These “Justice For Bullies” pearl clutchers would be horrified with how bullying used to be dealt with. In year 7 I was picked on relentlessly by a group of 4 boys. Nasty comments daily about my appearance (which is was super self conscious about), tripping me up, pouring drinks into my backpack, stealing my food, pinging my bra strap etc. my mum went to the school who did the same useless shite schools always do of ‘chats’ and detentions - but it made it 100x worse for me because I’d ‘grassed’.

One day it was my weekend with my dad and we were in Woolworths. I’d been telling him about what had been happening and he was obviously furious. We then actually saw the 4 boys! I told Dad who they were, and he told me to wait where I was. He waited until they went down an aisle and marched off towards them - dad was 6’5”, built like a brick shit house and although he was a massive softie he had a big booming voice that he could turn scary when he wanted to.

I have no idea what he said to those boys and in fact he went to his grave with this 1 even in adulthood he wouldn’t tell me. but those 4 boys left the aisle with their heads down and bright red faces, scuttled past me and from that day right up until the end of year 13 they put their heads down when they saw me in the corridor and never once bothered me again.

I’ll never ever forget how happy I was that my dad did that because the nightmare ended instantly. I didnt give a fuck if the bullies had hellish home lives, all I felt at the time was the they were making MY life hell and I wanted it to stop. If he prattled on about empathy and how he was going to call the school and make sure these boys started having a better life I’d have thought he’d have lost it and that didn’t he give a shit about me. Children should feel safe in school and it’s a shame that schools are so incompetent that it takes parental intervention before bully victims are safe from their tormentors.

So you've learnt to take the law into your own hands by being taught by a parent?

Be careful what you are also teaching your child,

It's really not always a good thing.

SanFranBear · 10/04/2024 00:45

It's a shame that we disagree on this point actually as I think your initial point re sorting out existing children is a valid one. I also really like the way you pulled up the rather ghastly poster who seemed determined to blame the benefits system that they, and only they, pay into.

I just think inviting everyone else in your DDs class to her party except this one girl is unkind - I'm sure there are 2 or 3 others in the class that aren't your DDs besties that didn't need an invite. And being willing to tell anyone exactly why is a bit unnecessary. But, as you've said - I can cope with the pearl clutchers because I made the right choice - and that wasn't the point of your AIBU so I shall head to my bed now.

Original poster

YaMuvva · 10/04/2024 00:16

SanFranBear · 10/04/2024 00:08

I would not have told my child I would punish them... I would tell them to not play with them, distance themselves, approach a responsible adult, fight back even but I would not punish them for talking to another DC in their class, ffs!

When have I bullied a child? You've invited every single one of your DDs classmates to her party and excluded this one child and will happily tell anyone why you've done it. I'm not saying invite her but you're positively gleeful at finding a way to punish this girl yourself.

Something needed doing - and sadly yes, my DD was bullied at a similar age - but bloody hell!

I would not have told my child I would punish them... I would tell them to not play with them, distance themselves, approach a responsible adult, fight back even but I would not punish them for talking to another DC in their class, ffs!

This child goes between breaking my DD’s heart with nastiness and love bombing her - my DD doesn’t have the understanding that that doesn’t make her ‘a friend who sometimes cocks up’ it makes her a friend she has a toxic and unequal relationship with.
I took the last resort to making sure my DD could see how enriching a life can be without a bully trying to be your mate. I can cope with the pearl clutchers because I made the right choice.

You've invited every single one of your DDs classmates to her party and excluded this one child and will happily tell anyone why you've done it.

Yep.

Otherwise the options are:

Invite her (I’m not having a bully at my DD’s party)
Not have a party (why should DD suffer)
Lie to the bully about why she isn’t invited. I’m not the lying type especially to protect the feelings of a bully. I also don’t agree with lying to children - the truth will not kill them and also they aren’t stupid.

if I have to tell her why she’s not invited (I won’t offer this information unless someone asks) it will serve as a stark reminder that if you bully half the girls in your class you won’t be invited to parties. It’s a fair reason to not invite someone. At what age would you expect children to learn the lesson that actions have consequences, especially when those actions are consistent cruelty to someone who is supposed to be their friend? I’m not tiptoeing around the feelings of a bully or thinking of lies to tell her about why she isn’t invited. I have better things to do.

OP posts:

SanFranBear · 10/04/2024 00:08

I would not have told my child I would punish them... I would tell them to not play with them, distance themselves, approach a responsible adult, fight back even but I would not punish them for talking to another DC in their class, ffs!

When have I bullied a child? You've invited every single one of your DDs classmates to her party and excluded this one child and will happily tell anyone why you've done it. I'm not saying invite her but you're positively gleeful at finding a way to punish this girl yourself.

Something needed doing - and sadly yes, my DD was bullied at a similar age - but bloody hell!

Original poster

YaMuvva · 09/04/2024 23:57

SemperIdem · 09/04/2024 23:52

You speaking to the child directly was inappropriate. The bullying is happening at school, the school should be your first approach, the parents thereafter.

Your point around parents just having new babies with each and every relationship is a valid one, however.

I’ve learnt that speaking to the parents or school is futile. She controls the TikTok account and it’s perfectly reasonable to ask her to take an identifying video down. Parents are allowed to talk to other children! In the same way if I caught a child being horrible to either of mine in the playground I’d tell them off then and there. I find it weird anyone would object to this.

OP posts:

SemperIdem · 09/04/2024 23:52

You speaking to the child directly was inappropriate. The bullying is happening at school, the school should be your first approach, the parents thereafter.

Your point around parents just having new babies with each and every relationship is a valid one, however.

Original poster

YaMuvva · 09/04/2024 23:48

SanFranBear · 09/04/2024 23:47

This? What the fuck, OP?

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I’ll ask you then, because the people who’ve challenged this haven’t answered - what would you have done?

OP posts:

SanFranBear · 09/04/2024 23:47

brocollilover · 09/04/2024 16:20

So I have said to DD that she isn’t to go anywhere near this girl and if I found out she did she’d be punished

wtaf

This? What the fuck, OP?

Original poster

YaMuvva · 09/04/2024 23:44

Livelovebehappy · 09/04/2024 23:33

You’re absolutely right. I think from this thread, it’s pretty clear where and by whom these bullies are being raised. If my dd was accused and found to be a bully I would be mortified and deal with it, not think that my dd should be given empathy and justification as what’s been suggested by some posters on here. But as they say, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree…..

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I agree.

These “aren’t I soooo empathetic and considerate” types never seem to have empathy to the people who matter.

Given that almost every bully I’ve encountered has a deluded parent riddled with excuses and “don’t you dare speak to my child” attitude, I’d say this is the archetype of someone who raises a bully.

OP posts:

Original poster

YaMuvva · 09/04/2024 23:40

It's actually in the behaviour "Parent/Carer Code of Conduct" at our school that parents aren't to approach other people's children to chastise them

Im sure it’s probably in ours too but frankly when schools aren’t doing enough about bullying they leave little choice for parents but to deal with it themselves. Frankly I’ve rarely heard a story where bullying stopped purely through the intervention of the teachers.

These “Justice For Bullies” pearl clutchers would be horrified with how bullying used to be dealt with. In year 7 I was picked on relentlessly by a group of 4 boys. Nasty comments daily about my appearance (which is was super self conscious about), tripping me up, pouring drinks into my backpack, stealing my food, pinging my bra strap etc. my mum went to the school who did the same useless shite schools always do of ‘chats’ and detentions - but it made it 100x worse for me because I’d ‘grassed’.

One day it was my weekend with my dad and we were in Woolworths. I’d been telling him about what had been happening and he was obviously furious. We then actually saw the 4 boys! I told Dad who they were, and he told me to wait where I was. He waited until they went down an aisle and marched off towards them - dad was 6’5”, built like a brick shit house and although he was a massive softie he had a big booming voice that he could turn scary when he wanted to.

I have no idea what he said to those boys and in fact he went to his grave with this 1 even in adulthood he wouldn’t tell me. but those 4 boys left the aisle with their heads down and bright red faces, scuttled past me and from that day right up until the end of year 13 they put their heads down when they saw me in the corridor and never once bothered me again.

I’ll never ever forget how happy I was that my dad did that because the nightmare ended instantly. I didnt give a fuck if the bullies had hellish home lives, all I felt at the time was the they were making MY life hell and I wanted it to stop. If he prattled on about empathy and how he was going to call the school and make sure these boys started having a better life I’d have thought he’d have lost it and that didn’t he give a shit about me. Children should feel safe in school and it’s a shame that schools are so incompetent that it takes parental intervention before bully victims are safe from their tormentors.

OP posts:

MrsMiddleMother · 09/04/2024 23:39

YANBU. There's way too many selfish parents out there having however many kids with who ever and not caring about their existent kids, it's no wonder they have issues and turn into assholes. I also agree with you on the bullying, the school need to sort their shit out with it because their scummy parents don't give a shit about their kids behaviour. They have their new babies to focus on afterall. Good for you on the tiktok front too, when we were kids a parent telling you off would have been enough to stop your shitty behaviour but sadly thats not the case. I also agree with your threat to your daughter, its not nice, no but if my last resort was allow my innocent and naive daughter to continue being bullied because she's too kind to avoid this girl or tell her SHE will be punished if she doesn't stay away from her then I too would go for the latter.

Hope it all gets resolved and your daughter enjoys her last term at school.

Livelovebehappy · 09/04/2024 23:33

YaMuvva · 09/04/2024 23:26

I’m suggesting that you stop making this emotionally troubled girls life worse than it already is

JFC.

Im making it worse by stopping her being a bully? Because that’s literally all I’m doing.
Are you suggesting that a ‘better’ life for her is to continue to be a bully? Cos I ain’t enabling that ‘better’ life at the expense of my DD.

If anything I’m doing her a favour. It’s better she learns now that if you treat people like shit they will ditch you.

You can protect your daughter from bullying without in turn bullying the child yourself

When have I bullied a child? When I asked her to remove her TikTok post that has my DD’s full name on it and identifies the school she’s at? There are safeguarding reasons I need this information to stay off the internet. You’re actually suggesting that I should put her feelings about a seriously shitty thing she did, that she SHOULD feel bad about, above the safety of my DD? Unbelievable

I desperately hope if you do have kids that they are never bullied. I’m actually worried for them how passive you’d be about it.

And what exactly are you teaching your daughter? I would always be empathetic and protective to any child, as I would hope another mother would be to mine.

I’m teaching my DD that I’m on her side and I’ll protect her from bullying at all costs.

Im not being empathetic to people who call my DD a r*tard and if my DC did anything like this, the last thing I’d expect of the victim’s parents is empathy.

But clearly you are not that kind of person so everybody’s words are wasted you.

A spineless twat? No, I’m not. Thank god

Actually thinking about your comments I’m more inclined to think you’re the type to raise bullies. Always making excuses and never accepting that it’s wholly wrong and inexcusable and that it’s acceptable for a victim and their parents to be angry about it.

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You’re absolutely right. I think from this thread, it’s pretty clear where and by whom these bullies are being raised. If my dd was accused and found to be a bully I would be mortified and deal with it, not think that my dd should be given empathy and justification as what’s been suggested by some posters on here. But as they say, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree…..

Original poster

YaMuvva · 09/04/2024 23:26

Lifecanbebeautiful12 · 09/04/2024 23:02

I do have kids and I’m mature enough to understand that a 10 year old girl who is acting that way is doing so as a response to her home life. Of course I would prioritise my daughter in this situation and I’m not suggesting you prioritise this other girl over your own child - I’m suggesting that you stop making this emotionally troubled girls life worse than it already is. They are not mutually exclusive things. I’m suggesting you be an adult, a mother with empathy, a human being with a heart. You can protect your daughter from bullying without in turn bullying the child yourself. Don’t you see that it makes you worse? She is 10, her brain isn’t even developed properly. You’re a grown adult with children of your own. You understand life, you understand rights and wrongs. And what exactly are you teaching your daughter? I would always be empathetic and protective to any child, as I would hope another mother would be to mine. But clearly you are not that kind of person so everybody’s words are wasted you.