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AIBU?

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Original poster

if your DP wanted to move back to his mother's house with you and your baby to save for a deposit instead of renting at age 35

120 replies

ginger2025 · 09/04/2024 15:59

What would you think of this?

This isn't in an Asian country, this is in a UK/US context.

Happening to a relative of mine who is moving back to his mum's house from abroad, with wife and child in tow. He is 35 this year. He said it is common nowadays, is that true?

Most of my friends don't have kids and I did the whole living with inlaws to save for a deposit thing when I was in my 20s (bought when I was 26 and DH 29). But we had no kids. Is this a move to multi-generational households?

Though i must say that that for this relative who is moving back with his mum who lives in America, a lot of the savings would be eroded by the cost of health insurance (1000 per month for a family) plus cost of running two cars compared to renting in his current country which like most of the developed world doesn't have such punitive healthcare costs. However this doesn't apply in the UK so I wonder why it is not more common for people in the UK (excluding those from cultures where multigenerational living is expected)?

OP posts:
SmudgeButt · 09/04/2024 18:34

We moved back to the UK in our 30s and moved in with his parents. The plan was do that for a couple of months, get the good jobs, find a place to rent, save for a deposit and buy a place. Easy. Seven years later we moved out. Rents were stupidly high (my salary every month leaving his to live on which wouldn't have been enough) so we waited until I was getting a big bonus that could go towards a down payment on a house. His parents were very accommodating and they had plenty of room for us.

Original poster
ginger2025 · 09/04/2024 18:34

Bookworm1111 · 09/04/2024 18:30

You're contradicting yourself. You comment it's awful they've got to live with his MIL but he's already got a plan in place to secure a deposit.

Is the wife your sister?

Show quote history

All I know is what he told me, he said he was moving back in with his mum so they could start their new life fresh but long term he was interested in getting an interest free loan for either his deposit or mortgage and he didn't know why more people didn't do it.

OP posts:
Concannon88 · 09/04/2024 18:34

Surely you do that before having a baby? And if not, then you're shit out of luck renting for the foreseeable

Lentilweaver · 09/04/2024 18:30

You seem rather over invested in this relative.

Bookworm1111 · 09/04/2024 18:30

ginger2025 · 09/04/2024 18:16

They are leaving that country as its too expensive. Tbh his plan is to get an interest free loan for his deposit or mortgage from a free loan society (which funded his internship so he has a credit history). I am not familiar with such set up in the usa so cannot comment... moving in with mum is so they cam start a new life in another state of america.

Honestly I think the housing crisis is global and reading the comments it appears it is common here.

Edited
Show quote history

You're contradicting yourself. You comment it's awful they've got to live with his MIL but he's already got a plan in place to secure a deposit.

Is the wife your sister?

SpaghettiWithaYeti · 09/04/2024 18:30

I think it's a completely sensible thing to do.

OutOfTheHouse · 09/04/2024 18:25

Why do you care? How do you know so much about this and what does it have to do with you?

INeedAnotherName · 09/04/2024 18:22

not really, it scares me a bit that this is what our generation has come to, that you can be 35 with a wife and a child and still be unable to afford your own place or even hotel room despite both working full time in graduate level jobs.
No. You stated they are moving to a different country so it makes sense to move in for a while. And they will be able to afford their own place.

Tbh his plan is to get an interest free loan for his deposit or mortgage from a free loan society (which funded his internship so he has a credit history). I
How the hell do you know so much about his finances. Are you the MIL?

Original poster
ginger2025 · 09/04/2024 18:16

Bookworm1111 · 09/04/2024 18:11

But it's got nothing to do with our economy - he's moving to another country. Presumably they'll have accrued relocation costs? If so, it's no wonder they time to save again. Staying with relatives while that happens is not any reflection on them being graduates.

Your attitude to this situation is so, so weird. Why don't you just come out and say you think he's a terrible husband for failing to provide for his wife and child and needing support from his mum? Because it really feels like that's what you're implying.

Show quote history

They are leaving that country as its too expensive. Tbh his plan is to get an interest free loan for his deposit or mortgage from a free loan society (which funded his internship so he has a credit history). I am not familiar with such set up in the usa so cannot comment... moving in with mum is so they cam start a new life in another state of america.

Honestly I think the housing crisis is global and reading the comments it appears it is common here.

OP posts:
Bookworm1111 · 09/04/2024 18:11

ginger2025 · 09/04/2024 17:53

not really, it scares me a bit that this is what our generation has come to, that you can be 35 with a wife and a child and still be unable to afford your own place or even hotel room despite both working full time in graduate level jobs.

Something is wrong with our economy.

Show quote history

But it's got nothing to do with our economy - he's moving to another country. Presumably they'll have accrued relocation costs? If so, it's no wonder they time to save again. Staying with relatives while that happens is not any reflection on them being graduates.

Your attitude to this situation is so, so weird. Why don't you just come out and say you think he's a terrible husband for failing to provide for his wife and child and needing support from his mum? Because it really feels like that's what you're implying.

ALovelyCupOfNameChange · 09/04/2024 18:09

Tisfortired · 09/04/2024 17:46

I’m 33 with 2 kids and would move in with my mum for a while in a heartbeat to save for a deposit if she had the room.

As it is we are stuck in this rental trap for probably forever.

Winesolidarity from another

it’s shit isn’t it

brocollilover · 09/04/2024 17:53

you don’t like this relative, do you?

Original poster
ginger2025 · 09/04/2024 17:53

INeedAnotherName · 09/04/2024 17:48

i don't think men on mumsnet use the acronyms lol.
I didn't think women would either. Boys or immature males maybe.

Was a bit surprised to see the hotel room thrown in, you seem to have a real downer on this man. Why?

Edited

not really, it scares me a bit that this is what our generation has come to, that you can be 35 with a wife and a child and still be unable to afford your own place or even hotel room despite both working full time in graduate level jobs.

Something is wrong with our economy.

OP posts:
OutOfTheHouse · 09/04/2024 17:52

ginger2025 · 09/04/2024 17:36

It was something he did before when we were visiting another relative.

They shared a hotel room- this couple, his mother and their baby for a week. It was then i found out that they were going to move back home to live with his mum.

You asked if the wife agreed with it. I didn't think the shared hotel room with the MIL was her idea (the MIL spontaneously decided to take a holiday at the same time they had to visit the wife's grandfather) but they still did it.

Edited
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But what business is it of yours?

RichinVitaminR · 09/04/2024 17:51

I know that my parents lived with my grandma for a period when my older brother was a baby and before I was born (my dad's mum) and that was late '80s/early '90s. I think that people have done this for a long time, especially if it's just temporarily!

INeedAnotherName · 09/04/2024 17:48

i don't think men on mumsnet use the acronyms lol.
I didn't think women would either. Boys or immature males maybe.

Was a bit surprised to see the hotel room thrown in, you seem to have a real downer on this man. Why?

Tisfortired · 09/04/2024 17:46

I’m 33 with 2 kids and would move in with my mum for a while in a heartbeat to save for a deposit if she had the room.

As it is we are stuck in this rental trap for probably forever.

Bookworm1111 · 09/04/2024 17:45

ginger2025 · 09/04/2024 17:11

not really. its just surprising to me that people support a married man moving in with his wife and child when presumably when he married her, this wasn't part of the package. But not a single man living with mum. At least with single man living with mum, you knew from the start so you can decide whether you are fine with it and he presumably has more savings (so there is more flexibility regarding that).

It would make sense if they supported both or none. I would expect the latter as its the UK rather than Asia where it is more common.

Show quote history

But it's not like they've been living round the corner and have moved back to save money. They're moving to a different continent! Living with family in the beginning while they save money for a house deposit seems eminently sensible. They need to work out exactly where they want to live, what kind of childcare/schooling they'll need, if they need new jobs if their WFH turns out not to be transferable etc etc. Theirs is a completely different scenario to what you're describing.

You're not hiding your disapproval well either. Why have you got such a problem with them doing it?

Desecratedcoconut · 09/04/2024 17:44

Not much word on how they will build, build, build with a trade labour shortage. Sounds good though.

Westfacing · 09/04/2024 17:38

Because of the acute housing shortage people are having to make decisions which they might prefer not make but if needs must, what else are they to do?

If a renting family returns to a parent's home to save money it's no reason to be sneering towards them, I'm sure they didn't plan it this way! Same for adult children who are still living at home, or returned after university etc, it's just the situation they find themselves in, even if they have a well paid job.

As for societal shift - I think there will be societal breakdown if Labour doesn't get on and build, build, and build, affordable homes for rent.

Original poster
ginger2025 · 09/04/2024 17:36

OutOfTheHouse · 09/04/2024 17:34

Where has the hotel room come from? You were talking about this couple moving into his mother’s house, now they are suddenly in a hotel room.

Show quote history

It was something he did before when we were visiting another relative.

They shared a hotel room- this couple, his mother and their baby for a week. It was then i found out that they were going to move back home to live with his mum.

You asked if the wife agreed with it. I didn't think the shared hotel room with the MIL was her idea (the MIL spontaneously decided to take a holiday at the same time they had to visit the wife's grandfather) but they still did it.

OP posts:
roarrfeckingroar · 09/04/2024 17:35

Honestly? I would be a little concerned that he wasn't yet on the property ladder at 35 but I know that view is unpopular on here.

Original poster
ginger2025 · 09/04/2024 17:35

Laiste · 09/04/2024 17:33

At least with single man living with mum, you knew from the start so you can decide whether you are fine with it and he presumably has more savings (so there is more flexibility regarding that).

OK. I think that you're a single man living with mum OP. And the rest of it all is window dressing.

I could be wrong. But i'm putting my money there.

i don't think men on mumsnet use the acronyms lol.

OP posts:
OutOfTheHouse · 09/04/2024 17:34

ginger2025 · 09/04/2024 17:32

I feel quite sorry for her as she had to share a hotel room with her MIL and DH and baby. I am not sure she agreed to that.

I would have thought no woman would agree to share a hotel room for a week with her MIL and DH in the same room but i was wrong. Not sure how much of this has her input.

Edited
Show quote history

Where has the hotel room come from? You were talking about this couple moving into his mother’s house, now they are suddenly in a hotel room.

Laiste · 09/04/2024 17:33

At least with single man living with mum, you knew from the start so you can decide whether you are fine with it and he presumably has more savings (so there is more flexibility regarding that).

OK. I think that you're a single man living with mum OP. And the rest of it all is window dressing.

I could be wrong. But i'm putting my money there.

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