Different surname for full-siblings

I think you need to point out that surname order isn't an indication of masculinity!! Of course they both need the same surname, how confusing for them throughout their school life if not. He should have thought about it more at the time if its that important to him.

As someone who has a different surname to my full siblings, give them the same.

I was teased relentlessly at school, told I was clearly not wanted/loved by the DP I didn't share a surname, they thought I was adopted, it was horrible, and honestly made me feel very odd and left out from the other 3 siblings.

Absolutely stay the same.

We double barrelled without a hyphen many years ago. My name then his name. It was always the last name that got dropped and that then became official.

I always think it makes far more practical sense for children to have their mother's name. So many people divorce/raise their kids without any support from the fathers. It seems far easier to have the surname of the parent who is actually raising you.

Exactly. As well as most of the rest of Europe, Latin America and the US! Otger countries have different surname rules ( scandinavia gor eg) andcsome countries dont even have surnames. As if this is such a new fangled modern problem that no one has thought of before or as if nowhere exists apart from the UK. The children traditionally take the second names forward to the children. It's hardly so unusual that passport offices etc would be confused as to what's happening. If immigration officials are that easily confused, then really all children should be given their mother's name because then if the mother travels with children on her own, it would cause less confusion.

In my country you are first name middle name mum name dad name.

In Spain it's dad name mum name

So all depends on traditions

When I married I added my husband's name but didn't lose mine

Kids are first name middle name mum name dad name.

So we chose to drop my mum's surname

As a family we are

Abcde - me
Gbe - husband
Hjde - kid 1
Qwde - kid 2

Me and kids say we are the DE family even though husband decided not to add a D

Has nobody mentioned that giving the father’s surname only is a practice that assumes men are superior to women & that wealth is carried through the male line? I think he not only needs to understand that nowadays men & women are considered equal in all things but there needs to be a more comprehensive ‘welcome to 2024’ debrief about what we consider to be the way of doing things in a non patriarcal society. Eg being ‘emasculated’ is no longer a thing.. Double barrelled seems a fair compromise Though personally him raising this as an issue would have me fighting hard for giving the baby mum’s surname only.

In reality, whichever way you decide to do it, it is unlikely to have any impact on your child’s life. It just comes down to your and your DH’s feelings on the matter.

I see your point but I deliberately gave my DC their dad’s surname as I wanted them to have the same last name as their (half) siblings.

I had friends, siblings, male had dad‘s surname, daughter mum‘s. Yes full siblings and it caused no issue for them at all. They know they’re siblings! And if anyone did have any problems then they had the chutzpah to tell them to get lost.

I find it very odd that your DH has such an issue with this frankly. He should really investigate why he feels diminished by it in some way because fundamentally it reflects in some way how he thinks of you and your status. Even if subconsciously.
Our kids all have my surname as we liked it better and not once has my DH felt undermined or emasculated by it. They’re his kids.

As above I don’t think it really matters whether the kids have the same name so if it matters for matrimonial harmony by all means prioritise the fragile feelings of your husband. It’s just a surname so maybe you can change the names round for your older child?

Is he stupid ? baby one already has his name !

Where? We have not found this an issue in any European country, East Asia, African countries, Middle East , South Asia…

Oh I am quite sure my Dc will end up with grandchildren with 8 surnames.

Or not.

As they will sensibly choose something that feels right and workable for them, free from or withstanding pressure from parents applying patriarchal / dynastic pressure.

Oh fuck that shit. They need to pick a name out of a hat and just run with it. Poor kids. Even as an adult I really couldn't be bothered with filling out forms with all that gubbins. I'd just put down Smith and not bother with the rest.

Oh don't be ridiculous, it's not emasculating him! The children have his name and your name. It would be ridiculous for them to have different surnames! I'd be reminding him who's actually growing and giving birth to this child, if that doesn't give you the right to put your name first, I don't know what does!

My sister has two children with a double barrel surname they both go FIRST NAME/SISTERS NAME/ HUSBANDS NAME.

DN’s are now 18 and 21, through school they were either referred to as their whole name or FIRST NAME/HUSBANDS NAME. On official documentation they remain as their given names but if you were to ask them their name 18 yo nephew would say FIRST NAME/SISTERS NAME and 21yo niece would say FIRST NAME/HUSBANDS NAME.

this is just their preference as they each feel that the name they prefer flows nicer with their first names.

But he fell in love with and married you. He could have married a trad wife, who wouldn’t have bothered challenging the patriarchal norms, but he didn’t.

Giving your kids different surnames is confusing IMO, but more importantly, it’s allowing a stereotype of ‘how to be a man’ to perpetuate (albeit in a small way). Toxic masculinity is bad for everyone - women at the receiving end of sexism and prejudice, and men having to conform to a role that can damage mental health.

Remind him that he loves you precisely because you are changing the world, not cowing to it.

Having said that - having one child being Jones-Smith and the other being Smith-Jones is a recipe for confusion - so I really wouldn't reverse the order! I'd stick with the double barrel as it is now!

My kids have different surnames (full siblings) - it's no big deal TBH - the only issue we've had is recently it turns out the piano lessons have decided that they share a surname, and so my youngest's piano certificate is in the wrong name. Never had that before though.

I suppose the only possible effect is social in that it's not obvious they are brothers - but then they look very different anyway, and TBH I think it's good that they get to be their own people rather than the expectations that are inevitable at school when the younger sibling comes along.

My Dc are Hisname-Myname because that is the way it sounds best. Harder to say, the other way.

I had no idea about any supposed ‘traditional ‘ order and wouldn’t have paid any attention anyway. Having refused the wholly patriarchal tradition of women changing their names on marriage or naming children just after the father.

Your babies will both have both your names, equally, imagine explaining to Dc1 that Daddy didn’t want Dc to have the same name, or explaining to Dc2 why they don’t also have Mummy’s name like Dc1.

Your DH is a published specialist/ academic. Tell him to engage his brain and stop bring a patriarchal throwback.

Mountbatten Windsor
and
Spencer Churchill

Demonstrate which name tends to get dropped.

So you carry the child and birth the child and he feels he has a right to first placing???

It's already done your children should have the same name. Which is both your surnames.

They should have the same name. In my country it wouldn't even be an option not to, if two parents have a child together, the next child automatically gets the same surname as the first child.

When will it be the norm that all women name their children after themselves? Be done with the patriarchy. Your vagina your name. I just don't get it.

There's no female equivalent of emasculating is there? Hmm...

But baby 1 isn't an OP name.
I like family names so I'd have double barrelled everyone for personal use (if he needs to keep his old surname for work)
But if you're Singh and he's Smith and baby 1 is baby Singh-Smith then it's an OP-DH. So baby 2 could be DH-OP, baby Smith - Singh. But then what about baby 3?