Is it over for husband and I, or do I need to get a grip?

That's kind of you :)

Having chronic illnesses and flares, I often let housework slide. After the pain and illness stages of a flare I have exhaustion and brain fog. It can last for weeks.
Luckily, I have an understanding, caring husband who picks up the slack. I still moan that he doesn't hoover properly!

Whether it's deserved or not you clearly don't like him or respect him so it's over.

Thanks, hope you're ok too. It's so, so unfair and frustrating x

Life’s too short to be feeling this way for years on end. How many chances to change are you going to give him before you realise he’s wasting both your time?

On the other side is freedom and boy does it feel good.

I hope you are ok. I feel this too. Its just so shit asking them to do basic things in the house that we share. Even more shit when they "forget". This is not equal. I have so much resentment for my husband, I regularly feel like I hate him. Tonight I heard him say he would clean the kitchen, I nearly fell off my chair. Somehow he managed to not empty dishwasher or bins, and just put the dirty dishes in the sink (presumably for me to sort later). I'm so pissed off and he constantly says I'm grumpy/moody, but can't understand why. Ugh

OH and I are on the brink of splitting over similar issues. I would say one in three household chores I ask him to do get done at all. Similarly he says he can't see the coffee spills down white walls (how??), the banana skins and used teabags lying about, the beard hairs all over bath and sink after shaving. I've started having blinding rage over this stuff. We created a cleaning rota last month that helped a bit and it's pinned at the top of our WhatsApp chat so constantly there to remind. He was wfh yesterday and promised he'd take clothes out of the wash when it finished and hang them, including a shirt for work today and all my pants and socks for the week. Got home at 11 last night and all were festering in the fucking machine. Told him today I don't think I want to be with him anymore. I think I mean it. He's really upset, as am I, but it's just awful feeling so ignored/unheard. His memory for work/music/sport is basically photographic so i just don't buy that he forgets stuff. He just thinks it's beneath him.

Tricky one for me as an IBD / Crohn’s sufferer, after a flare up most people would think I’m ‘fine’ now but the exhaustion lasts weeks and weeks after. Doing normal tiny things totally take it out of me. I’m back at work this week after a few days off with a different illness followed by some holiday but it’s really hard. I’m managing work but totally out of ‘spoons’ by the time I get home to do anything else.

I’ve decided my way to sum up these feelings which I share with you is that you don’t want to live in something which feels untidy and the mess feels like chaos. You’d love to just know that some things were off your plate, but he needs to not just do them, do them to your standard. So the example of only emptying a bin when it’s overflowing isn’t acceptable it needs doing every 2 days because it might start to smell otherwise.

Not speaking for the OP but I couldn’t disagree with this more. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership and this man is willing to buy his leisure with OP’s labour. A cleaner won’t stop his perspective that she’s worth no more than doing all the shit work while he’s too important and gets to forget the chores that ensure a house keeps ticking over. Do you think if he lived alone he’d forget to put the bins out?

Why have YOU let this happen??!!

What an awful comment, why not- why is his behaviour so utterly shit?!

It's about so much more than just the cleaning isn't it.

it's the disrespect, for himself and you. He sounds like he has lost self-respect if he is treating his job like this too - I take it he's not ambitious, or passionate about what he does?

He sounds like he's in a rut. (And is happy for you to pick up the slack with the domestic load.) I agree, it's not sexy at all...

Does he ever do thoughtful things for you?

If you went a way together for the weekend to a nice hotel, do you think he'd respond well to an honest chat about it all?

Would he agree to couples therapy?

Yes, I think it's over.
I have a "bowel condition" and grab a scythe to cut the grass, otherwise it wouldn't get done.
Imagine a life without him and then slowly realise it.
🙂

Leave the bastard

The fact you have to ask him to do anything says it all. Manchild.

Honestly if you like him and want to be with him and this is the main sticking point, this could easily be resolved by getting a cleaner!! It would probably be cheaper than a divorce. No, it won’t change his attitude, but it might just resolve the main issue enough to save your marriage.

But it sounds like you don’t really like him tbh, so, this aside, are you just looking for permission to leave? Because you can give yourself that right now. If you don’t feel like he respects you or has your back, it doesn’t sound like an equal team/partnership. It’s ok to leave if that’s how you feel.

It depends how ill he is.😗

When my DH had bowel cancer last year he still managed clean the loo and take the bins out. OP your lazy lump will never change, get rid of him.

I have crohns disease, flare ups are awful and are debilitating. However I still do my share, with kid's lives don't stop. I rest when I can. When I'm ill the house isn't up to my usual standard, but I'm getting the main things done.

When with my now ex, he couldn't understand that I was ill. He thought it was an excuse. So when I was ill when I could rest, or if I was stuck on the toilet, he would down tools and do absolutely nothing. I would be entertaining both children, sometimes in the toilet, and doing everything that couldn't be missed.

I am so much happier now. Currently in a flare, doing it all on my own, at the moment have the kids 100% of the time, they're been ill too, and yet it is still easier than dealing with a man child!

Because this isn't actually about who is ill, it's about being a team. It's about picking up for your partner when they are struggling, it's about looking at your partner and seeing that they need a break, it's about having an equal partnership as much as possible when things are good. You don't seem to have that. I didn't. Much happier now.

He’s milking his employer and he’s milking you.

@SheepAndSword

Im sorry you're going through so much. Xx

Well he might be lazy but having inflammatory bowel disease myself it's exhausting and vile. The house could fall down around me when it's bad. I get you say he's better but maybe not as well as you think? If that is his illness?

Call his bluff: print out a list of daily and weekly chores and tell him to check off his chores (and you will check off yours).

When he is at work again his portion of the list might be shorter. But when he is home sick unless he is bedridden, his portion of the list is longer.

Tell him he has three months to prove he can be on top of his chores.

If it was his job - ie he was a cleaner, he'd have no problem noticing dirt and grime. It's an excuse.

A proper list would really help - you'd still be doing emotional labour but at least you wouldn't be doing as much actual labour. That would deal with the forgetfulness.