To wish I’d never had children?

It's not something I'd recognise as real OP. I'd say I spend most of my life happy.

I'm happy when I'm on a fun day out, I'm happy sat talking to my daughter or partner, I'm happy when I'm out visiting family or sat in the pub visiting friends. I'm happy sat in front of the TV watching something I enjoy, I'm happy doing the washing up or hoovering bopping along to my favourite tunes. Hell, I'm even happy sitting at my desk working a lot of the time these days.

Is life always fun and games? No! My mum died a few years ago and parts of that time were spectacularly shit. But even on the day she died, on the day of her funeral, even on the very worst days, I still found things to laugh about, to enjoy.

And yes, I have nights where I lie awake worrying about the bills, or work, or about my Dads health etc. And no, I'm not spending the majority of my time blissfully happy. I don't think that's maintainable for anyone. But I'm content, and satisfied, and that counts as happiness to me.

And yes, I'm in a reasonably good place in life at the mo. I'm in a job I like, making decent money, have enough money that I'm not worried about losing the roof over my head or where my next 10 meals are coming from. I'm not living somewhere with war, or famine, I'm not homeless, or addicted to drink or drugs. There are people for whom happiness must seem like a distant dream.

But to wish you never had kids because you think they'll never be happy, is not a healthy mindset. Life may be hard for you at the moment @Squashedbyarock , but that doesn't mean it'll be the same for your kids, you have absolutely no idea how their lives are going to turn out.

Life is a cycle of worry, loss, birth, beauty, joy, death - every human emotion and experience.

If you're only experiencing worry and loss then something needs to shift in your life, mind, or perspective.

I think this is quite sad for you and your husband, I read it that specifically your adult life is a bit rubbish, and that of your husband if he keeps harking back to his childhood.

i like being an adult. Yes there is good and bad, ups and downs, but there is a lot of joy, particularly if you have your health, family, friends, love in your life basically , an absence of those things for me, is the hardest thing I think/

Life is really hard now, OP, I do understand where you are coming from. The social divide is getting wider, life is getting harder for more people, it is really hard to get a start in life for young people who do not come from monied backgrounds.

But these things will change again, society never stays the same. And there is a lot of happiness and joy to be found in a life lived for others. Your children sound very happy, so clearly your family is a good one that finds joy in each other. I bet they are really glad that you are their mother.

You do sound very depressed, I would echo other PPs and suggest you see a GP. I have depression and it makes some very dark thoughts sound perfectly reasonable.

I’m feeling the same as you but it’s not normal to feel this way. I’m suffering from ptsd and generalised anxiety disorder. I’m having therapy and have been offered anxiety medication (not taking it yet as I’m breastfeeding). I’m also looking into mini pull to help as my hormones are outrageous. You need to seek help x

But adult life you have responsibility like mortgages or work and that makes it rubbish 😂

My life is great! Yes, I have times that are difficult and worrying and upsetting but I also have times that are wonderful, loving, joy filled.
It's like yin and yang- you have both for balance.

I have a wonderful husband and a long , loving marriage, fantastic adult children who bring us joy, a somewhat scruffy abd small house which is warm and comfortable and safe, nice friends . There are good books and music and food and flowers and babies and all sorts of lovely things in life.

I think you need to go to the dr because your feelings aren't normal.

I don't actually agree with this. There were things I enjoyed about childhood but life is far more out of your control when you are a child. I had a very happy childhood with loving parents, but I vastly prefer adult life. It is true that I have certain natural advantages in life: I am well off, both in background and in current occupation, I am attractive, etc., but I genuinely think that happiness is available to a lot of people.

Squashedbyarock · Today 08:27
I don’t think it’s depression - I think it’s realism.
Look at the recent thread where everyone had something (generally awful) that was making their lives deeply unhappy.
life is a cycle of worry and loss”

That doesn’t reflect our reality at all. Nearly 60, husband 65, had our share of ups and downs but we’re happy and glad to be alive.

I’m worried about how your incredibly negative outlook will affect your children and agree that you need to seek counselling.

I'm pretty sure that thread title was... what's the worst thing going on in your life? Not, what awful thing is making you unhappy?

I could tell you that the crappiest thing in my life is rubbish lungs, it does not mean that my life is crappy and unhappy.

Edit - Sorry, I linked to the wrong post...I was replying to the one you were responding to.

But what about all the people who don't have something awful making their lives unhappy.

Most people post about bad stuff happening rather than good. I could start a thread saying how much I love my husband, that he is kind and thoughtful and life is just great. How many replies do you think I would get, but if I posted how awful he is, having affairs etc I would be inundated with replies.

OP it's not the norm to think like you do. Life shouldn't be a cycle of loss and worry, I think you need help to get out of that mindset. Sure, sometimes we experience those feelings but it really shouldn't be the overriding feeling. I don't feel like that at all and I don't know anyone who does and that's not because I am young and care-free, I'm a mid-40s single mother.

Adult life is a bit rubbish but being a kid is a great. I make my kids childhoods as fun as possible because I didn't have that but their dad did. He's always remembering his great childhood.

I was out with a couple friends recently, one doesn’t have children and is on the fence but leaning more towards not having them. I have one, Friend 1 with two was going on and on about how meaningless life is without kids, it’s so fulfilling, how it truly makes one an ‘adult’, etc. I was trying to be neutral but friend 1 really was being OTT.

She says having her children was the best thing that’s happened to her, friend 2 who’s clearly had enough responds with ‘yes but is it the best thing for them?’ I haven’t stopped thinking about it..

Most people who post on public forums like this one are going to be moaning about something or other. No one is going to pipe up and say, "I'm so happy and fortunate! Life is great for me and here's all the reasons why!" – because that would just annoy everyone.

But in reality, lots of people do feel happy and fortunate. You just don't hear about it, so that skews your perception and you assume everything is shit for everyone all the time. It's not true.

I have always been a materialist. I had a childhood with plenty of issues, mum was depressed and suicidal, dad was ill and had heart attacks then died when I was 18 a week before I went to uni.

Despite this I found plenty of joy, as that is my natural mind set acceptance, living in the present. Enjoying creating things and experiencing art, music, film and books. I am not an idealist, I tend to be more accepting, non judgemental and nuanced. This is not to say I am better than anyone else I think now I am nearly 50 I know myself pretty well. I have many many flaws but they are not ones that leave me unable to see joy in the world.

My DH is different, more black and white in thinking, more idealistic and more emotional about things going wrong or injustice. I appreciate that in him but I also think it gets him down. When you have high expectations of people and the world you are disappointed frequently, that wears you down. We need people like DH but it is hard to maintain your optimism if you are an idealist.

This means I am able to do a job that deals with people at the lowest points in their lives, unable to afford food, about to be evicted, unable to heat their homes, etc. As I can be objective and look at solutions, not getting lost in the misery of their situation.

So ultimately life can be seventy shades of shit, some lives are so unbearable that it doesn't matter how sunny your disposition is you are not going to be able to overcome it. For the majority of people with less extreme life challenges, how you view the world will be impacted by your personality.

I love the kids I brought into the world, they are funny and kind and clever and will make the world a better place by existing in it. I don't care about high status jobs, money or owning bricks and mortar. Their value is intrinsic, they will have interesting, challenging, creative lives and hopefully have joy and fulfilment.

Not true at all.

That was a thread specifically asking people about their troubles. It isn't representative of life as a whole. If you were to start another thread asking people about good things, then you would get a far more optimistic picture. I agree that you sound depressed: life is not 99% grind.

So you are able to help him, that’s great! I think it’s a rather bleak and not an accurate outlook your DS has on life at the minute. It would be good to teach your DS about the property ladder and how to gain equity in each property he owns. I would be saying to him that it’ll come down to priorities and whether he wants to travel, have fun, spend a lot of his money on experiences or whether he wants to do these things on a much more scaled back level and focus on getting that first property. Once he’s got the first one (even if it’s properly shit) he just needs to watch some YouTube videos on DIY and make some basic improvements and slowly start to improve the value of the property, sell and buy a slightly better one then do the same again. Hard work but it’s completely realistic and achievable (and unfortunately a necessity for most people these days to achieve home ownership).

You're right

We have a reasonably spacious house that he is welcome to stay in as long as he needs to save a deposit . I've said this to him as well

Lots of people don't have that option - I didn't

I agree with Tottering, my life is quite difficult and won’t get any easier , adult offspring with learning difficulties living at home, I’m in my 60’s and it’s getting harder. But at the moment I’m sitting with a cup of tea looking out over the river and countryside, it’s quite sunny and the wind is blustery, it’s beautiful and makes me happy !

It's a mindset issue. I think you need to start looking for the positives.

From the outside my life might look pretty bad with complex SEN children, onerous caring responsibilities for elderly relatives, health issues and a whole lot more. But I still find many aspects of life a complete joy and consciously look for the small joys in my life every day. Despite all the difficulties life throws at you there's nearly always good things to balance it out.

There's more to life than buying a house though and you never know what's round the corner.
Think what you have, not what you haven't.
There are loads worse off.

or cynicism has become a self-fulfilling prophecy!

You may be depressed but you may also just not enjoy being a parent, people overall never express this. A friend of mine confessed this to me a number of years ago, her children are both in their twenties now. The children had some health issues so she had extra stress. She has a very lovely DH and they really were probably enough for each other. The children have been raised well and are really lovely young people. She has never had money worries or anything like that and the children were planned.

Children will always limit aspects of your life and to deny this is wrong.