To wish I’d never had children?

So much lack of support from people who are clearly not depressed or who have never known depression.

Life can be amazing yes, if you are lucky enough. But for oeople like me, who were abused by their parents...not so much.
It is hatd trying to heal the scars AND be happy.

I find that it is nature, not people that gives me the most joy op. A good hike by the sea nourishes the soul and is generally fairly cheap!
I stopped at one child as I don't enjoy parenting. I love dd more than anything and want to be here because of her. But only because of her.

I need to work but have been bullied in every job ive been in . Still have another 20 years left of this BS and I am not the best at the greasy pole nonsense. Need a lone working role ideally.

I know i'm depressed and am on the list for councelling. I'd seek help too op.

Gosh i sound like a right old misery don't I?!

I agree op. The world is definitely not as optimistic a place as it was when I married in the mid-90s. The corruption in government, poor public services, Brexit, housing, social care, public transport, the environment and the CoL crisis. Travel
seems to be getting harder not easier .

If we ever did have faith in our leaders and institutions, we have lost it now. We are more cynical and more suspicious for good reason.

D:ream was wrong! Things do not only get better I’m afraid.

I’ve lost two close friends to cancer recently. They both had brutal endings which have knocked the stuffing out of me.

I think we develop a greater awareness's as we age of all the things that can go wrong. Especially when we have access to 24/7 global news.

But doesn’t that awareness also coincide with corresponding greater wisdom and an increased appreciation of things when they go right?

I think you learn as you get older that sometimes great things can come out of discomfort and struggle so not to fear it as much?

I believe we are at the start of a technological revolution with AI and it will mean a period of uncertainty and uncomfortable adjustments. But also, think of the potential.

Also you learn that there are certain things you can control and certain things you can’t and it’s best just to focus on the former.

Studies show that 80% of what we worry about never comes to pass. I’ve learned as I’ve got older that catastrophic things mainly happen unexpectedly and out of the blue so there’s no point in worrying about them really.

Also, we live in a world dominated by commercial concerns and that includes the news and the more negative it is the more profitable; no one makes money from spreading positivity so we don’t hear it enough. But there are many good, inspirational things happening every day in every realm of interest and study that we don’t know about yet.

Also commercial imperatives are crowding out all of the things that make being human worth living like art and creativity. The natural world. Time for family relationships. And friendships . And love (not the hearts and flowers kind necessarily but the stick with you through thick and thin kind). It’s up to us voters to kick back a bit.

In the short term: maybe a gratitude journal op which sounds trite but does actually work, getting involved in volunteering if you don’t already do so, and having a complete break from social media?

Also looking at your sleep, diet and physical health? All of those ythings impact upon our resilience.

In the long term: I’m not sure but perhaps some study of philosophy or theology to try and answer the fundamental questions? Why are we here? What is our purpose? It’s interesting to explore even if we don’t arrive at concrete conclusions.

I’m at the time in my life now where my dc are leaving home and having spent twenty years acquiring stuff, I’m now decluttering it all and preparing to live more simply. I’m a bit creaky but I am excited to be able to cut all the unnecessary crap out of my life that I don’t need (not just material things) and live more intentionally without being swept along without thinking. I’m lucky to have my own home though and lucky to have close relationships. I know that’s a very privileged position to be in.

I’m not in the UK, but reading on here I am wondering how unhealthy it is that so many people don’t feel a connection anymore.

They wfh and can’t imagine ever doing anything else anymore, they don’t open the door if the doorbell rings, avoid your neigbours, shop online, compare yourself to others on social media, avoid confrontation irl at ANY cost, don’t go outside because of shitty weather so no vitamin D really…

I don’t know. But I can understand why this leads to being rather unhappy tbh.

I’m in one of those hygge countries that some people laugh about, but we are rather content. I really like my work colleagues, work is tough but we get through it together every day. You have to enjoy the little things in life. And talk to people. Or at least open your door if someone knocks on it.

Sorry for the rant.

Oh, and teach your children to enjoy the little things in life too. Life is not supposed to be great all the time. If you expect that then you will be miserable.

I don't think it's a spiritual cause driving pessimism. I'm an atheist.

But most religions do offer a protective narrative that give people a way to chalk up the inevitable inequalities of life and place them into the hands of a higher power and misfortune is conceptualized as being a challenge within a bigger plan.

This seems to be preferable to the more common modern narrative of placing all of the shit that people arrive at in life, whether that's poverty or poor health, as the culmination of a life of shitty decisions that you brought on yourself.

I read a book about optimism, particularly the research around it, and it looked into protective factors that shield some from misery. Not ruminating and being afforded the opportunity to parcel out some blame to external factors, were key. But what we have is a culture that encourages people to elevate and dwell on their emotions and, at the same time, be fully accountable for everything that goes wrong. People who are susceptible to pessimism are being absolutely pummeled. But probably not as badly as their kids.

My kids are happy kids and i'm a relatively happy parent (not at the moment because I've got Bronchitis so I'm a bit hacked off - excuse the pun!) But life isn't just doom and gloom and misery - there's some good thrown in there too. You see what you look for remember.

Life can be amazing. Do you think you are materialistic? I find the simple things in life are what give me joy. Teach your children this

Well we can see the effect it’s having on our young people and children. They are the most depressed, anxious and mentally unwell generation to have lived, despite living in a time of unprecedented material comfort and security. Such despair seems to have a spiritual cause in my opinion.

OP, I understand. I've said it myself.

I think you’re much better off seeking meaning rather than happiness. And if you can’t see meaning in your children, other loved ones, in friends, in helping someone worse off than you, what exactly are you expecting from this world that it’s not giving you?

So Walking through a crappy town makes you wish you were never born? Or ever had children? Jesus get some perspective. Or move. The world is full of beauty, you just need to be open to seeing it and seeking it out.

We’ve had a fair few losses (big horrible shock ones of great amazing people) and so many health issues both with us and people we know and the saddest thing happening that I can think of in the last few years and it’s hard sometimes to see the lovely amazing wonderful stuff out there.

I’m definitely not the person I was at the start of having kids and actually if you go back a few years even on this site I’m not even close to as positive as I was and I feel battered but op - 0.01? If you don’t feel like it’s something you need to go to a gp with you need to start getting out on nice days, chatting to old friends, treating yourself to little things like baths, your favourite ice cream, reading books or magazines with your feet in a hot basin. Do something with your kids, laugh at some comedy together. I’m starting back to a swimming class on Friday. It’s good to be alive, it’s difficult but it’s good. Hope things get easier op

Probably because the adults in his life have painted a bleak picture for him. When I was a (cheerful) child I would often pontificate on all the exciting things I would do as an adult. My mother would often rain on my parade, reminding me of the realities of the world, how we may wish for this and that but life rarely works out they way we want it to. I decided that she was a bit of a Debbie Downer and I’d ignore the gloom and just make the life I’d imagined for myself happen. And guess what? I managed to achieve most of what I wanted. Was it all roses? Absolutely not. But despite unavoidable setbacks, losses and failures, overall I’m happy with the life I have and what I’ve achieved. The worst thing a parent can do is rob their child of hopes, dreams and ambitions.

Get a grip woman. Life is largely what you make it. You are lucky to be alive in a time and place where you don’t need to worry about famine, invasion, plagues etc. Life is precious, a gift. Go outside. Take your shoes off. Step on the earth. Close your eyes and take a deep breath.

It is partially mindset though isn't it? There are people in the absolute worst situations and circumstances imaginable and they manage to retain some element of hope and positivity. There are some in relatively fortunate circumstances that can only see the negative.

If you live in the UK then it is highly likely that you are in a better position than many. I can speak from first hand experience that social and economic mobility still exists even if it is more difficult now than it was for a relatively short amount of time in the 20th century. I think the problem is that people harp back to this window of time and think this is how things 'should' be but the reality is that this time period was the exception not the rule. It doesn't mean that it is hopeless now though. It is just harder than it was previously.

I get this too, and it's something I thought about a lot before deciding to have a kid.

There's so much in life that is out of our control. We're fed the illusion that we can change things but a lot of the time we just can't, and I think a lot of unhappiness and frustration results from this. One of the things we can truly control is our outlook. Though even that is hard, since we're all 'programmed' - by society, by generations of parenting / trauma, etc, etc. But we can try.

There is also so much emphasis and importance placed on being HAPPY all the time, when life is so much more than that.

Derren Brown's book 'Happy' (or the shorter 'A little Happier') is GREAT. It takes a philosophical approach, touches a lot on stoicism. Maybe it could help to put things into perspective.

I do think that things are significantly worse for someone in their twenties now, when looking ahead 30 years. That's the point of the OP, surely - that what was possible, even a given, 30 years ago is now very much in question?
In my case, things were not that different. I was a single mum,working FT in a stressful job, with no physical support, recieving no maintenance and being left with nothing to be spent on luxuries at the end of the month.

I could have opted to go on benefits than, when they were much more generous than now, and being hardly worse off. I didn't take that route and struggled on.

It paid off and so far, would now too.

And I very much agree with @TreesWelliesKnees - if you're not feeling worried about the future then you are very privileged indeed.

It's absolutely tone-deaf to be talking about how you managed through hard work and sacrifice to become a middle-aged financially comfortable homeowner. It's a fundamentally conservative view that doesn't match the experience of many, many people in this country and which denies the structural difficulties (ie not about their personal actions) faced by those without privilege - difficulties which existed before this crisis but have been dramatically exacerbated in the last few years.

It sounds like your dc are happy at the moment, OP. Little kids get so much joy from the smallest things - like looking at flowers and leaves. Everything is new and exciting to them. They're only little and carefree for such a short time, it seems a shame to let worries cloud your mind. Maybe try and live in the moment more?

I do think that things are significantly worse for someone in their twenties now, when looking ahead 30 years. That's the point of the OP, surely - that what was possible, even a given, 30 years ago is now very much in question?

I feel for you OP - I also have real worries for my children, both of whom are pretty despondent about their quality of life in the future.

Those posters saying the OP is depressed rather than realistic are a) denying her stated experience of herself as not depressed and b) probably having a very different experience of 'reality'. The lack of understanding of how privilege in life - whether that's housing security, a stable marriage, good looks, etc. - affects your experience of reality is astounding. Life is NOT always what you make it.

I wouldn’t be upset if my DD chose not to have children. I did last year voice my concerns about life and the world in general. I was told that in my life I’d had to deal with financial depressions, wars etc, and yes I do agree BUT climate change and levels of poverty I think are a lot lot worse.

in my day we just did the next thing, dated, engaged, married, had kids (got divorced) etc, without too much thinking.

I do strongly agree that younger people really need to question their financial situation and whether in fifty years time the world can feed those that are having more than two children. Our fields no longer provide food, are being taken for housing. We no longer can feed our nation if it came to it. (these are my opinions).

however OP I do think you need to seek some help 💐

You did the right thing reassuring him.
I can remember thinking similar... yet here i am in my gorgeous house

You are right. And boo to the people on here who are trying to medicalize (ie dismiss) your very valid feelings. Lots of experiences are really really shit. Yes, life is a cycle of loss. If we die in old age we will have all lost more or less everything we valued. Lost our health, our husbands and parents, possibly our children, lost our fitness, our looks, variously our minds, dignity, confidence and continence. There will be hardly anything we are able to do independently as we give up driving, flying, gardening, sex.
And in 100 years time no one will remember you and only the elderly will remember your children.
So yup it is all a bit shit.
It is often possible to find some joy or peace at least in the present moment. Eg right now, all three of my remaining parents and in-laws are sick. But at this very moment I can't do anything about it. So I am putting it out of my mind and enjoying playing with the cat!

Agree.
Mine are too.
Happiness really is an inside job.
It doesn't happen by magic.
We've all got stuff.

I agree OP. Life for me is just an unending treadmill of trying to financially survive capitalism as a disabled barren single woman with no family and no safety net. I can’t have kids but there’s no way I’d have them if I thought they’d have a life like mine.

If there were a guaranteed painless way to off myself, I’d do it in a heartbeat.

Take me with a pinch of salt though - don’t know about this u-bend theory, I was abused as a kid, my adult life has been unrelenting struggles and I can’t see how my generation is ever going to get to retire.

Still, it’s not like there’s another option but to continue with it is there?!