To wish I’d never had children?

I haven't had by North American standards an "easy" life. By the majority of the worlds standards though I'd be remiss to ever complain.

I am very very fortunate just to be born in Canada alone. That is never lost on me.

I was born into care from drug addicted parents
( dad later overdosed, mom comes to me for money).

Adopted into an abusive family. I'm a childhood sexual abuse survivor. I was homeless at 17, and infertile by 27.

All I ever wanted was kids. I love kids so much. 💝

I went on to adopt my son after pregnancy losses and multiple surgeries for my endometriosis, and my God life is fucking amazing to me. I'm so much luckier than I ever imagined. Childhood me would be THRILLED with how life turned out.

Ds is 13 and he is my favourite human on the planet. I have no clue how I ever got so lucky!

When my best friend died I found this Winnie the Pooh quote

" How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. "

I've been extremely lucky in so many ways. I think centering myself around that makes life so much easier.

My ds came to me from multiple orphanages and trauma and I hope I teach him compassion for himself and others, and the power of gratitude.

He has had it harder than most kids and he's learning that he is not the bad things that happened to him. He is the good things he can put into the world.

I know this will sound trite to many on here but I really do think the opportunity to do good in the world in whatever way each of us can is invaluable. That's why life is grand. Because of the opportunity to help others.

I'm not always happy but I am always grateful and I think that benefits me more in the long run.

I'm the same. I'm really sick of the 'everyone's miserable' narrative. No, I'm not, you are! (not you, obvs, but the people who say that they aren't depressed but 'realistic') As for people who keep complaining about the state of the world, stop reading about it! There's nothing you can do about it anyway, sort your own house before worrying about everything else.

I'm really happy!! I'm not saying that to be smug, I'm saying it in response to your "Everyone's unhappy" statement.
I'm fit and healthy (aware I might not always be), love my husband and dog, nice friends, great career and salary, live somewhere beautiful.

Even things like jobs today. Kids feel they have to have a degree because companies demand them (any degree, it doesn’t matter). Then when that’s not good enough they need a Masters, all costing money I didn’t need to spend when I was their age. When I was younger not many people had a Masters, they seemed like something really special.

This is true. Seems these days you need a Masters to stand out from the crowd of first degrees applying for every job. And when I was a 20 something you could enter the civil service and some professions such as nursing and the police as a school leaver. No chance of that now.

I’m afraid I agree that life is mostly shit. The world is so noisy and greedy and overcrowded that it’s making us all ill. We spend so much of our lives doing horrible, boring jobs, taking orders from people we dislike, worrying about our health, dealing with asshole neighbours, and so on. And we hardly ever get what we want. There have been many, many times when I’ve bitterly resented my parents for bringing me into the world. I can’t honestly say I think life is worth living, and on the whole I’d say the pain vastly outweighs the pleasure.

But… I wouldn’t say it’s only 0.1% good though. That is going too far. There are loads of small, simple joys - a bar of chocolate, the sunshine, a glass of wine, meeting a friend in a coffee shop, visiting the National Gallery, laying in a hot bath listening to Stephen Fry read P. G. Wodehouse or Sherlock Holmes, etc. As shit as life generally is, there are definitely things worth living for. I’ve never understood it when people say life is pointless or meaningless either. Every time you are kind, even to an animal, you make your existence worthwhile. Doing what you can to reduce the misery and pain in the world, that is the purpose of life.

This. I'm sure women with children in the 1930's had similar thoughts when they heard trouble starting to bubble up in Europe

That’s a thread that inviting people to share their problems. I opened it thinking I would add mine - boyfriend wants to see me more than I can manage (he’s lovely but I’m a busy single mum) and I don’t have quite enough money (I’m fine, just would like some new clothes). Also there are a lot of ladybugs in my house. I didn’t contribute, though, because the first page was so gruelling it seemed like I’d be taking the piss.

my point is that the internet is no barometer of life

Even things like jobs today. Kids feel they have to have a degree because companies demand them (any degree, it doesn’t matter). Then when that’s not good enough they need a Masters, all costing money I didn’t need to spend when I was their age. When I was younger not many people had a Masters, they seemed like something really special.

Practically every little casual job requires a CV (even from school kids) and an interview when I used to just walk in and ask and start the next day. Apparently now you have to be interviewed even if you’ve been working as a temp in a job. I used to temp a lot and got jobs that way, no interview required.

House costs are ridiculous, at this rate a caravan will cost you a million. Even food shrinkflation has got so ridiculous they can’t trim off anymore from a lot of products before they disappear completely.

It’s definitely the lack of optimism at the world at large and the feeling you’re being taken for an absolute fool (but are powerless to do anything - no political party actually cares about people). The world seems more like a corporation run by CEOs. I’d just like to think it will somehow get better but I’ve no idea how or when that will happen. For the record I don’t go around offloading all this onto my kids, I’m always optimistic and encouraging with them. I do actually enjoy life for the most part, I just feel the world isn’t how it’s meant to be, it’s more like a dystopian movie.

Not sure the OP is still reading this thread, but to others who feel hopeless, I commend Victor Frankl’s book “Man’s Search for Meaning”. He discovered hope and resilience as an inmate in a Nazi concentration camp.

Exactly. What’s with the expectation that life should be free of problems? I don’t want life to be easy for my daughter, I want her to become strong so that she’s able to handle problems, and help others less able.

💐

I think you come from a perspective that life is supposed to be wonderful, and therefore, as it isn’t, you are downhearted. My perspective, especially with my children, is: life is full of obstacles, but you will overcome them. That seems to have given them resilience. If you believe as I do, that life has many, many challenges, then when these are overcome, you can find happiness, even joy. I hope you can find a new perspective that works for you.

Whilst I agree it's bad, bad things have been happening since the beginning of time. Our society today is a lot more civilised and easy than previous civilisations. Only now we know more about the bad stuff. Stopping watching the news helps

You have to actively look for the joy or else you will never find it

We spend half our time in the middle east and it does highlight how little connection there is in the UK.

I also don't encounter people ruminating about the discomfort of being alive.

The ME has it's own issues, but there isn't the general malaise.

It’s not necessarily verbalised. I don’t tell people how I feel about it and I don’t show it to my (now young adult) kids. I don’t ever remember a time before now when I didn’t feel optimistic about the future. I’ve always been optimistic before now.

I think realism is yes, accepting that life can be shit! But living despite that.

You can spend your life thinking of the things you don't have and the things that have gone wrong, or you can do the reverse. At the same time, sometimes things are just awful, for whatever reason, and those are the times to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel unhappy, angry, upset, etc. Get it out of your system but then move on.

I know a few people stuck in the past and that's why they're unhappy. And/or they spend so much time worrying about their future, they can't enjoy right now. I think you have to live in the moment, to feel content.

I get you op
just talking about this the other day with a friend, knowing what I know now I don’t think I’d have chosen to bring my kids into this shitty world and I know for sure one of them would agree.
Rental housing crisis, home ownership out of reach of most of todays teens, the shitshow known as the NHS, cost of living crisis, NHS dentists rapidly disappearing, the whole ‘transwomen are women’ changing rooms nonsense etc etc. I’m sure I could think of a load more given time.
i feel so guilty for bringing my
kids into this😢

This isn’t the norm for me and most of the people I know, you should speak to a doctor about this.

She definitely is! She doesn’t hide it. We all met when we started grad schemes at the same company. I was in a different department from the other two and Friend 1 was always the most ambitious and competitive. She knew exactly the roles she wanted in 5,10,15 years but that didn’t happen as she got married then had her first quite quickly and left the company to be a SAHM. Friend 2 subsequently went on to get the roles F1 had been aiming for. F1 always says to her that she’s (f2) now the odd one out as we all started at the same starting line but we’re ahead as we have kids 🙄

Totally understand the realism. It's a scary and expensive world out there. Always has been, but with knowledge that certain world leaders are planning God knows what...often I wish for those pre-2020 days, a time that was still a bit shit, but easier than the world we're living in now. There's no going back.

They wfh and can’t imagine ever doing anything else anymore, they don’t open the door if the doorbell rings, avoid your neigbours, shop online, compare yourself to others on social media, avoid confrontation irl at ANY cost, don’t go outside because of shitty weather so no vitamin D really…

With the exception of the shitty weather and lack of vit d...I write as all the puddles in the garden are begining to join up and form a pond...this isn't true of the UK as a whole and is a curiously MN specific misanthropy.

I understand where you’re coming from. I feel enormous guilt sometimes that I’ve brought my kids in to this awful world. It’s gone down hill so much in a way I’d never envisioned. If I was younger now I wouldn’t have children, not because I don’t love my children but because I do.

Even when I get into arguments with my (very) willful five-year old boy, it's a moment of wonder really that I've created this human being that has a sense of identify, he is a person in his own right with his own thoughts and preferences and skills and personality.

Exactly this. Smiling as I read it.

@fatFriendsFan I agree with you. I'm actually happier when I completely narrow my horizons and focus on little, simple things. The day has flow, and structure and my expectations aren't sky high. Seeing the children happy playing or splashing in the bath, even when they've eaten a dinner I've cooked - that makes me really satisfied. I like it when they laugh at something funny on the TV. Even when I get into arguments with my (very) willful five-year old boy, it's a moment of wonder really that I've created this human being that has a sense of identify, he is a person in his own right with his own thoughts and preferences and skills and personality. I allow my kids to delight me.