Female colleague calling and texting partner all the time

This is brilliant advice!

His reaction is the biggest red flag. I confronted my DP when I was paranoid about a friendship he had with someone new at work. We both work at the same place but I was on mat leave and I was definitely insecure and hormonal. He was visibly upset that I'd been having those thoughts. His immediate response was to reassure me and let me know that me and the baby were his number one priority and he'd never jeopardise his family. When I returned to work after maternity leave, I met her and could see instantly that although they got on well but it was purely on a professional level and have never had reason to question it since.

even if this was a male ringing, texting all the time is far too much.

Yes - if he was constantly having little chats with Dave from football (who had never met you) it would also be very rude and not prioritising his relationship with his wife.

He is now gaslighing you and trying to make you more insecure and think you are half crazy. Have his bags packed. Even if you were over reacting which you are not a loving husband/partner would want to put your feelings first and he is just selfish. Please talk to your family/friends as you need support as too much to be worrying about and with your new baby. Him getting defensive is also a shit show. He just sounds horrible and you deserve so much better. Both crossing boundaries and work boundaries also and even if this was a male ringing, texting all the time is far too much. Take care of yourself xx

He's a married father in his 30s, she's a single woman of 23 who doesn't even know you. Why expect her to protect your marriage, show you respect and not cross your boundaries when your husband can't be bothered to? If I were you I'd stop thinking about what she should and shouldn't do and focus on your husband who does owe you the things you expect from this woman. It will be a very anxious marriage if you have to be always on the look out for young women getting too friendly with your husband so you can see them off. You need to address this at source, because if your husband respected your boundaries no other woman would be able to cross them.

They do seem quite close even if just friends, but then again i suspose we have to trust each other

My ex was 'friends' with a woman on his team within nhs like this... they're now married 🙃

Even if he thinks you are ‘hormonal’, he should obviously be prioritising your feelings over possibly being a bit ‘rude’ to a colleague who is clearly crossing a boundary in a way that makes you unhappy.

From what you say the snap chatting would be annoying even if he was just talking to his mum or sister.

Oh I'm sorry to hear this but you are correct his friendship (what ever) is upsetting you he knows this and still refuses to treat her any different so he'd rather see you upset/sad/gaslit than not have her in his life that alone speaks volumes. Maybe asking for time apart will make him see sense - its an easy choice you or her (he shouldn't even have to think about it). Im so sorry- but none of this is on you its all on him. Sending a hug.

Oh c'mon op.

This isn't innocent.

We can all see it.

I’m sorry this has happened and I’d be worried about that too. It sounds like he’s now gaslighting you.

For a man it's extremely flattering to have a "friendship" with a younger woman in her 20s. It's an extreme ego boost.

I wouldn't like this at all

It’s a bit of a cop out. It’s both of them that are being thoughtless and disrespectful.

I'd bet my last tenner she's conventionally attractive. Would he be engaging with her like this if she had a face like a bag of spanners?

Exactly.

It’s never 50 year old Doreen who men happily have this kind of interaction with is it?

I bet he wouldn’t be answering the phone this frequently to a male colleague who wanted to chat to him about what he’d had for dinner either…

It’s always the young and attractive women.

What do you do when she's on speakerphone? Do you join in the conversation? I would! If you do it everytime then she'll probably get the message and stop the phone calls. She'll keep up the texts though.

But you're still left dealing with your cheating scumbag of a husband.

Their relationship is far too intense. They spend more time together than you spend with him. Plus they're doing emotionally challenging work so there's a deeper bond between them. You can't compete with her, not that you should have to. I'd bet my last tenner she's conventionally attractive. Would he be engaging with her like this if she had a face like a bag of spanners?

If he's not willing to change his crew mate then it sounds like your marriage is pretty much over. Right now, he's having an emotional affair in front of your face. You're realistically waiting for them to make it physical, if they haven't already.

Absolutely it’s not on and he needs to put in some boundaries.

Can’t you interrupt when they’re on speaker e.g. Sorry to interrupt darling but could you hold the baby while i pop to the loo? Or that kind of thing. She might be less keen on so many conversations if she knows you’re there and hearing them all.

@parababe is spot on.

This is pretty much how my BIL marriage broke up. Same profession and the senior colleague faced a disciplinary due to the fact the junior colleague was a trainee and at no point was any of the change in the nature of their involvement disclosed (full blown affair in this case but minimised as work stuff, new friends when it was just him she was messaging, so called extra shifts or turning an 8 hr into a 12 hr shift, meetings or work nights out that were just them hooking up in the end).

This is an extreme example of course, this is not acceptable in any way, not the level of contact or the minimising of your concerns and completely reasonable dislike of the situation.

Also, don't fall for the perceived openess of their contact in front of you, it's just another form of mentionitis and a way to say "see, it's all above board!"when it's anything but.

No it isnt. Stop dramatising stuff. Men and women can be friends.
Of course men and women can be friends.

I'm very cynical of any woman who takes the view that they know the contact they have might look bad to someone's spouse, continue doing it, and it's so easy for men to take their innocent contact as something more.

It gives an image of the not like the other girls women who are slightly over friendly with male friends/colleagues, are bit of a cool girl, push the envelope a bit whilst being able to say they never actually crossed a line and then wide eyed claim "goodness me, I never fancied Mike. I was just being friendly. He's totally reading into things that aren't there. Gosh how awkward that Mike might have thought I fancied him / Mike's wife seems to think it looks bad but little old me was just being nice".

Many women spot that sort of behaviour a mile off.

OP, just tell him to stop picking up. There's no reason for these calls and mates or not, he needs to respect that when he's home that's time for his family not for mates/work colleagues.

I bet that he doesn't get these inane calls from male colleagues?

@MsDogLady is spot on. He’s doing it all in plain sight to mislead you into thinking there is nothing to hide. But his behaviour is appalling and he needs to stop it all now.

So sorry this is happening, OP. You and your tiny one deserve so much better. 🌺

I would let him read this thread and all the responses and then ask him if he has been cheating with this woman. If he says no and you believe him then tell him you don't want him speaking to this women outside of work anymore- she is a threat to your marriage. And if he is too pussy to tell her then you will call her yourself and tell her. If it was the other way around I'm sure he would find that perfectly reasonable.

This is fairly simply resolved, unless he is determined not to - in which case I would want to know why.

He simply tells her, 'Please don't text or call when I'm not at work. I work long hours, and my downtime needs to be spent with my wife and new baby. I'm really busy at home, and don't want to chat when I could be with my family, as I'm sure you understand. Thanks'.

If he's not prepared to text that message to her, then he's prioritising her feelings over yours quite honestly. She's intruding into your family life and it would piss me off.

How is it dramatising to quote exactly what the poster said? She said she's acutely aware of how it must look to the wife which obviously means she knows it'll be upsetting the wife. Yes men and women can be friends but the way the poster wrote she's doing it for a little ego boost knowing he'll be 'flattered by attention'