Female colleague calling and texting partner all the time

I hope as a 23 year old paramedic she does have some idea of what women go through postpartum…

Personally I think OP’s husband holds majority of the blame but this colleague does know she’s overstepping.

So sorry to hear that he reacted that way. I think you’re right, it looks even more obvious now. Being defensive like that is usually a sign a person has something to hide.

That's mature of you at 18, admittedly.

I still wouldn't expect this girl is malicious though, there's not enough to go off of. Not ruling out their might be a competitive element.

Now if she was similar age and life stage, I may well agree she's just being a twat on purpose

@Maddie212

I had a good friendship with a older man at work, well I say older he's my age now (30 nearly 31) and I was 18 new to the office. I would send banter on bloody bbm however I wouldn't have kept an ongoing rapport with him throughout the day when we wasn't at work. I never met his wife but I sent my well wishes when she was in Labour and even gave a congrats card. I know how innocent it can be. And despite how much I had a "aha must send this joke to James from work" I wouldn't have out of consideration.

I just can’t believe that he’s prioritising this friendship over me. Now I’m doubting that this relationship is innocent. 😔

Their relationship isn’t innocent, @N12251234. This is emotional infidelity and his defensiveness is part of the Script.

The intensity, over-frequent contact, his determination to invest regardless of your discomfort, and his defensiveness and blame shifting today — all tell me that he is emotionally enmeshed with OW and reliant on the feelings engendered by their relationship.

Read Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass for her explanation of windows and walls in relationships. She discusses how marriages/partnerships are threatened when one partner weakens his boundaries and shifts his emotional energy and attention to a third party and away from the primary partner. Your H opened a window to OW and has built an inappropriate emotional connection that he is fighting to keep.

You were wise to send him away, @N12251234. His refusal to respect your boundaries and his manipulative attempt to shut you down by blaming your hormones are typical responses of self-serving, wayward spouses. Stay strong and stand your ground.

23, not even 24.

I really don't think a single 24 year old woman is doing this maliciously or targeting OP's husband because she's post partum. What would she know about pregnancy unless she's had children? Why would she care?

It might be an ego boost, might be a crush, maybe she does want a shag and is out to ruin op

...or they might really just be friends and she's not aware of how she's coming across (and that whilst this may be a normal level of contact for friends her age, it's not for a 30s married new father).

It’s really sad that he’s done this too when you have a small baby which should be such an exciting and lovely time.
has he left now?

I’d just be careful of thinking that going on speakerphone proves he’s absolutely not being innappropiate as it may cause you to excuse things which aren’t ok. You need to consider that they may have a code for him putting her on speaker so she knows not to say anything. My friend’s ex husband had a code where he’d send a totally unrelated emoji to OW instead of kisses.

The unreasonable one is your husband who is communicating regularly with a young and single female, despite you sharing concerns.

I'd set clear boundaries!

@N12251234

I have lots of male and female friends as does DH. In 19 years neither of us has text or called anyone multiple times on a daily basis. You don’t text and call someone everyday multiple times especially when you work with them and can have those conversations then.

These long ‘innocent’ conversations are the ‘getting to know you’ stage of a new relationship and you are right to be suspicious and react as you are.

Well done for standing firm.

This sums it up.
Friends is one thing, fair enough but it gets to a point where its just inappropriate and your husband should have enough respect for you to enforce that.

I hope you're ok OP and can speak to people irl too. His defensiveness is not a good sign but it could be nothing has actually happened and this is a wake up call. If not then he just doesn't deserve you.

This happened with me too.
He completely understood and calmed me down and straight away started replying less... it wasn't as bad as this thread but I could see straight through the colleague.

She eventually messaged less after he stopped replying but the last message where he put her straight was

"oh sorry to bother you so late, my car has stopped working and really need a lift home from this party I'm drunk xxxx would you give me a lift?"

He replied "Sorry can't help, I think it's crossing boundaries as you are a work colleague, I can call a taxi for you if you can't manage that"

She replied "k no worries"

She never text again and left the company.

Oh my, I'm sorry. I didn't read the thread.

Well done for kicking him out.

You deserve so much better. It's easier being a single mother with a newborn than being with a cheating loser of a husband

As a mother of young adults, I’d be dismayed if my son acted like this and I’d be mortified if my 23yo daughter got emotionally entangled with an attached man with a baby. Embarrassing. What a pair of scumbags.

The girl knows exactly what she's doing.
Everyone knows how vulnerable a woman is postpartum and how relationships can even get fragile and the woman isn't often up to being sexual either.
This girl is probably hoping OP is not being sexy and a proper wife because she's occupied by baby and thinks she can snoop in on the husband .

I have male friends and there is no way I would act like this, even when I was single.

And the husband isn't innocent either. If he's not cheating, he's surely on the way there.

Tell him it's completely inappropriate and if he wants to continue being married he will put it straight to her. If he says that's controlling or leaves. You have your answer.

The important thing is that he establishes you and him as the priority unit in her eyes, rather than him and her. And if he refuses to do that, that's something you will need to think about very seriously.

Absolutely.

I'm so sorry, you know for a fact now that this relationship is not innocent. It must be awful to be 3 months post partum and dealing with this. Only an awful man would do this to the mother of his newborn child.

You are doing so well, stay strong!!!

She calls him multiple times a day - why does he pick up??!

She sends snap chats and texts - why is he responding??

This isn’t on her, it’s all your husband.

I’m so sorry, OP. What a weak loser he is.

I very much doubt that the 23 year old wants to be lumbered with a sadsack in his 30s who has betrayed his wife and newborn child in such a cowardly way tbh.

OP everyone will judge him hard for walking out on his partner and tiny baby over this. He will be judged as a useless, feckless dickhead. And he’ll deserve it. His reputation will be in fucking tatters. What a pathetic prick.

I’ve just read this. I think you’ve done 100% the correct thing. Unfortunately- if he is gas lighting and choosing her over you, you know the answer. What a strange thing he has done? I’m sorry you’re hurting- and you’ve done so well confronting him .

This is at least an emotional affair.

Your husband knows it . She knows it

Time to call bullshit on this.

Be the bigger bitch and don't make it worth his while to put her feelings before his family.

I hope it never was a physical affair. Have a plan B just in case as if it happens once it will happen again.

No - just no :(

It kind of is another relationship? They speak every day, they are way closer than friends. Even if nothing sexual has happened.

Tell him to stop- end of. He needs to tell her to stop as it’s inappropriate. If he chooses not to and chooses their odd friendship over your relationship then you know what to do .

im sorry to be blunt but it’s not ok 😢