Female colleague calling and texting partner all the time

Hi @N12251234 I just wanted to send you some support, you sound like an amazingly strong person. Like other PPs have said, stick to your guns and know what you want. You’ve got this! 💐

Sorry. Glad you have supportive people around you.
You haven’t said you do, but don’t expect any emotional support from your husbands family. They may be kind people and horrified at his behaviour (at first) but they always side with their child. Find other confidants.

I don’t want to sound patronising @N12251234 but I’m really proud of you. So many women don’t put themselves first and you really have.

Think seriously about what you want. You done nothing wrong and deserve to be treated with respect.

I'm so sorry, OP: they're in a relationship. It's just where the boundaries are of that relationship are right now; you know where they'll end up eventually, though.

It is highly unfair of your partner to do this under your nose, blatantly just so you appear unreasonable if you raise it as an issue. But you need to.

***

Edit: so sorry started a new job today so missed how many updates there were. Wow. This stranger is so proud of you, OP. You're doing great.

I wouldn't be able to tolerate this
at all. Totally disrespectful to you from both of them. He needs to stop answering calls when off duty. She needs to find a dp and then the attention will be redirected to new man. Hopefully. Otherwise you have hell to put up with forever. she's a complete bitch with eyes on dh

Oh the thread has turned op. Hope you're OK

Thank you for updating during this difficult time, @N12251234.

It’s very telling that he is now incommunicado with you. It sounds like he is digging in his heels about not giving up this OW.

A fully committed husband who values and respects his wife would be more than willing to dial down a work friendship that is threatening his marriage. His current behavior is matching what he has shown thus far … that this woman is far too significant to him. He is putting her first.

You are handling this so well, @N12251234. Stick to your guns if he tries to manipulate or bully you when you see or hear from him. 🌺

@N12251234 do his parents know what the argument is about? And that he has not asked to see/ get updates about the baby?

Well done and stay strong, you are doing so well and showing him you will not be walked over. Has his family contacted you no doubt he has fed them a bunch of lies. Hope you have support there with your own family. Sending you hugs and wishing you well and just know that you do deserve better.

Well done for doing this. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this OP, but his actions following the conversation speak volumes

@N12251234 you are so strong for doing this. Well done for sticking to it. Such a horrible time for you. Hope you have support.

@N12251234, how are things going today?

It’s not just the post partum period - they have known each other for the entire pregnancy. You’d have to be very weird to pick a man like that as your ‘work best friend who you text all the time even though he mysteriously doesn’t introduce you to his family’. However there are lots of very weird people.

Fair enough they wouldn’t truly understand how a woman is feeling postpartum.

I just don’t buy the story that this adult female (sure only 23 but still an adult), who works with the general public on a daily basis, has no understanding that OP is in a vulnerable situation postpartum with a young baby. Of course she knows and understands this- she just doesn’t care.

I think those peddling the ‘oh she can’t possibly understand as she’s only 23 and never been through it’ aren’t giving her enough credit. She simply cares only for herself. Sure in 10 years time when she is a mother she may reflect on this situation and understand better but she is certainly not blameless IMO.

That said, OP’s husband is seriously rubbish and I’d place majority of blame for this with him.

I think I'd tell him that he can either offend me (you) by carrying on like this, or offend her. by cooling it. Which option is he going to go for? Make it a choice between offending you or her, and see what he picks.

It's never hairy Mike from Accounts, is it?

I very much doubt that the 23 year old wants to be lumbered with a sadsack in his 30s who has betrayed his wife and newborn child in such a cowardly way tbh
Same here.
He's been very stupid making this "friendship" a hill to die on. I'd be a little concerned that when he leaves, he uses it as an opportunity to take things further because "we weren't together/you kicked me out" and then he comes grovelling back.

(Assuming no coercive control) The only correct response to an innocent friendship becoming an issue in a marriage is to acknowledge what the issues might be, keep open communication with your spouse, and deliberately and consciously draw new boundaries. A good friend would understand and support their friend prioritising their marriage.

This starts and ends with the DH. The fact that he's prepared to leave his wife, home and baby his the problem/worry

I hope as a 23 year old paramedic she does have some idea of what women go through postpartum…

Yeah, I also hope she has GCSE biology.

What I highly doubt is that she's rubbing her hands going 'aha! Op is now feeling unattractive and has a reduced libido. This is my chance!'

Basic (and medical) knowledge of pregnancy/babies has s no hearing on actually experiencing it in a relationship firsthand. Doubt she knows or is thinking about that.

I agree you can’t understand the ins and outs of postpartum life unless you’ve been through it yourself and agree they wouldn’t have specific training in postpartum life but I also think it’s a stretch to say she would have no idea.

I’d say paramedics are exposed to a huge variety of people from all walks of life so I stand by my original comment that she should have some idea of what it’s like. Or at the very least… some empathy.

OP, you told him to pack his bags and go - did he?

It wouldn't be at all unusual if he refused and you're now feeling like you're in stalemate.

Why would a paramedic have an idea of what women go through in the months following birth?

At most they are called out to a woman who’s given birth at home, or has gone into labour somewhere undesirable and they put the woman in the ambulance and take them to hospital. How does that equate to them being expected to know what a woman goes through during their post-partum period? Especially when it comes to the changes it causes in a woman’s emotions and relationship dynamics?

I was a paediatric nurse for 10 years before I had my first baby and I had no idea what life was like for a woman or family after the arrival of a baby until I had my own.

During my training or career I didn’t have any training about life post-partum, despite working with families of young infants, so I don’t see why a paramedic would?

I’d understand your comment if the woman in question was a Heath Visitor or Midwife, but to expect a paramedic to understand post-partum life purely based on their job title, is a bit of a stretch.

I thought you’d say they were either paramedics or coppers, these crew mate relationships can be very intense, trauma bonded even, and the lines between friendship and emotional affair can be very blurry so I don’t blame you at all for being suspicious!

It’s very odd to be constantly texting a colleague out of work if they have a 3 month old baby.

I haven’t been a paramedic and mobile phones were bricks when I was 23, but I did work with 30 year olds with young children/new babies, and socially they were on another planet.

And you’d have to be incredibly dim to believe the ‘my wife just doesn’t understand me’ lines if she only gave birth 3 months ago.

None if this excuses his behaviour though.