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Female colleague calling and texting partner all the time

283 replies

N12251234 · 08/04/2024 22:05

So I’ve been with my husband for 10 years, married for 3. We have a 3 month old baby together.

Just before we conceived our child my husband got a new female colleague. He works 12 hour shifts with her 2 out of the 4 shifts he does in a week. She is 23 and single. We are both in our early 30’s. To begin with he didn’t really like this girl, called her annoying and some other not so nice things. Then as they began to work together more they became good friends. I just want to make it clear that I don’t think he is cheating with her or anything like that.

My issue is, I think she is being a bit disrespectful and so is he. They text each other all the time, send Snapchat pictures to each other, and she calls him at least once every day. Sometime several times a day. He often has her on speaker so I know the chat is innocent. She will literally call just to tell him what she’s eaten for lunch that day. She did this all throughout my pregnancy and when I had just given birth. My partner doesn’t see the issue and just sees her as being friendly and he said it would be rude to tell her to stop as they are good friends.

I just feel like a young single female shouldn’t be messaging and calling a married man who has just had a baby all the time. Am I being unreasonable to ask him to tell her to back off a little.

OP posts:
Stressedoutforever · 15/04/2024 13:54

I knew paramedic or police from your first post, they have weird friendships that very easily cross over in my experience..

No advice just sending lots of love to you and baby

N12251234 · 15/04/2024 11:55

MsDogLady · 13/04/2024 00:16

Well, @N12251234, I’m sure you realize that he will attempt to convince you to relent, using such manipulation as:
It’s an innocent friendship which is no threat.
You’re being unreasonable.
She needs my support because …
I need her friendship because …
You’ve been distracted/moody/less affectionate lately [expecting you to do the pick-me dance].

It’s a very bad sign that he has been blanking you and the baby since he left. In my view, he’s been punishing you to make you panic and back off. Where is his respect, cherishment, and priority of your feelings? He clearly gains much validation by pleasing and investing in this woman.

I wouldn’t be giving him the opportunity to manipulate, and wouldn’t accept anything less than an acknowledgment of boundary crossing and a shift mate change or job change.

I literally cannot believe the situation that we are in. I've known him for 13 years, been together for 10. We hardly ever fight, and we were in such a good place relationship wise until she came along. Now it's like he's completely lost his mind and is destroying everything we've built together for this one "innocent" friendship. We had our conversation and you nailed what he was going to say.

He did say "It’s an innocent friendship which is no threat to us, he apparently sees her like a little sister".
He still thinks I’m being unreasonable.
He said that she needs his support because she is a bit simple minded, and he needs to look out for her. She also suffers with anxiety so he's just being there for her. Apparnatly I woudn't understand, eventhough I too suffer with anxiety, as I don't do the job that they do.

And the icing on the cake was that I’ve been less affectionate lately to him and I don't make as much effort/ have as much time for him. (I explained that all my attention at the minute is focused on recovering from a rough pregnancy and birth. That we have an almost 4-month-old who is a rubbish sleeper and I am doing all the night feeds so I'm exhausted). But that all went over his head.

I've asked him to leave again and told him I seriously need to think about our relationship and whether we can continue being in it. He left without a fight and is not backing down so I seriously think this might be it. I don't even know this man anymore, he's certainly not the man I married. I just hate that this is breaking up our family.

OP posts:
Noadvertising · 14/04/2024 20:18

He’s working up to having an affair. I wouldn’t be happy with this very intrusive relationship going on under my nose. He’s taking you for a mug

MsDogLady · 14/04/2024 20:16

@N12251234, did you have the conversation?

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 13/04/2024 08:16

Likely he is thinking/going to say: "Ok you've made your point, can we be adults about this now?" I hope I'm wrong.

MsDogLady · 13/04/2024 00:16

N12251234 · 12/04/2024 21:59

Well he didn’t come. Me and Mil had a good chat and she has tried to talk to him but he is shutting her out. I explained the situation and she is 100% behind me and wants us to work this out. He did message me though and he says he wants to come back home tomorrow and have a calm discussion about it. I agreed and will hear him out but I am not backing down.

Well, @N12251234, I’m sure you realize that he will attempt to convince you to relent, using such manipulation as:
It’s an innocent friendship which is no threat.
You’re being unreasonable.
She needs my support because …
I need her friendship because …
You’ve been distracted/moody/less affectionate lately [expecting you to do the pick-me dance].

It’s a very bad sign that he has been blanking you and the baby since he left. In my view, he’s been punishing you to make you panic and back off. Where is his respect, cherishment, and priority of your feelings? He clearly gains much validation by pleasing and investing in this woman.

I wouldn’t be giving him the opportunity to manipulate, and wouldn’t accept anything less than an acknowledgment of boundary crossing and a shift mate change or job change.

Merrymouse · 12/04/2024 22:02

N12251234 · 12/04/2024 21:59

Well he didn’t come. Me and Mil had a good chat and she has tried to talk to him but he is shutting her out. I explained the situation and she is 100% behind me and wants us to work this out. He did message me though and he says he wants to come back home tomorrow and have a calm discussion about it. I agreed and will hear him out but I am not backing down.

but he is shutting her out

Strange if he doesn’t think he is in the wrong.

N12251234 · 12/04/2024 21:59

MsDogLady · 12/04/2024 17:24

How did your MIL’s visit go, @N12251234? Did your H come?

Well he didn’t come. Me and Mil had a good chat and she has tried to talk to him but he is shutting her out. I explained the situation and she is 100% behind me and wants us to work this out. He did message me though and he says he wants to come back home tomorrow and have a calm discussion about it. I agreed and will hear him out but I am not backing down.

OP posts:
BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 12/04/2024 18:17

Another here hoping you are ok and that mil's visit went well and you told her what he is up to. Stay strong and keep posting for support.

MsDogLady · 12/04/2024 17:24

How did your MIL’s visit go, @N12251234? Did your H come?

YouShouldBeDancingYeah · 12/04/2024 12:53

Hope you’re ok @N12251234

littlebitstuck2024 · 11/04/2024 17:49

You'd think he'd be mortified and apologising for his behaviour. I'm sorry that's not the case.

Merrymouse · 11/04/2024 13:23

She could be a 48 year bloke called Mike and it would still be odd for him to be constantly texting somebody who has no contact with the rest of the family.

3 months after giving birth you don’t even need to be reasonable. He should just accept that you might be feeling sleep deprived and hormonal and do what is necessary to protect his family.

His reaction is as out of order as the situation itself.

YouShouldBeDancingYeah · 11/04/2024 13:00

Also, he’s giving you the silent treatment as he’s sulking in the hope that you crawl back to him, see his point of view, apologise, forgive, and he can just carry on with his colleague.

I’m thinking of you, but just remember (as I think a PP said) it’s far easier to care for a newborn than a newborn and a giant man baby!

YouShouldBeDancingYeah · 11/04/2024 12:56

coconutpie · 11/04/2024 12:21

He sounds like a real sorry excuse of a partner and a father. I'm so sorry OP. Make sure you tell your MIL the full story when she calls over today.

Absolutely this!!!

coconutpie · 11/04/2024 12:21

He sounds like a real sorry excuse of a partner and a father. I'm so sorry OP. Make sure you tell your MIL the full story when she calls over today.

Abbimae · 11/04/2024 11:58

if he isn’t cheating she is trying her hardest to get him to. Giant 🚩

DriftingDora · 11/04/2024 11:45

I find it most worrying that they are both in a responsible job but behave like a couple of 12 year olds. Paramedics? Blimey, hope I don't get either of them if I ever need an ambulance. They need to grow up, the pair of them - and your heading implies that it's her fault: it isn't, he's happy to go along with it.

Biggybigbiggles · 11/04/2024 11:34

He sounds like a complete dickhead. He doesn't know if he's coming to see his baby? You've absolutely not over reacted and I'm so glad you're getting good support from all angles!

The woman wants to be with him and she's telling him about her dates to make him jealous.

LoudThunder · 11/04/2024 11:09

N12251234 · 11/04/2024 10:17

Probably! I don’t know how often he updates her but she always messages me for updates. So I’m guessing not that much. She’s coming round to see the baby this afternoon. I asked if partner would be joining and she just said she doesn’t know. He’s not decided yet.

He doesn’t know yet?

What a poor excuse of a man, and a father, he’s turned out to be. I’m so sorry OP.

N12251234 · 11/04/2024 10:17

Merrymouse · 11/04/2024 07:38

Do you think he spends more time talking to the colleague about her lunch than he spends telling his mum about her new grand child?

Edited

Probably! I don’t know how often he updates her but she always messages me for updates. So I’m guessing not that much. She’s coming round to see the baby this afternoon. I asked if partner would be joining and she just said she doesn’t know. He’s not decided yet.

OP posts:
fashionqueen1183 · 11/04/2024 09:51

N12251234 · 10/04/2024 21:56

Thank you for all of the kind messages and well wishes! They really are keeping me strong. Thankfully I have the most amazing family and they are being so supportive! His mum has also reached out to me and said that she is not happy with her son. Not sure what he has told her exactly but maybe she can talk some sense into him.

That’s really positive about his mum - I was wondering what she would say or do. I’d let her know she’s welcome to visit - without him!

Merrymouse · 11/04/2024 07:38

N12251234 · 10/04/2024 21:56

Thank you for all of the kind messages and well wishes! They really are keeping me strong. Thankfully I have the most amazing family and they are being so supportive! His mum has also reached out to me and said that she is not happy with her son. Not sure what he has told her exactly but maybe she can talk some sense into him.

Do you think he spends more time talking to the colleague about her lunch than he spends telling his mum about her new grand child?

bradpittsbathwater · 11/04/2024 07:36

This is entirely his fault, no one should be blaming the crew mate. He's the one in a relationship with a child. I bet he's loving not having to do any childcare. He doesn't even seem sorry. What a selfish prick

MsDogLady · 11/04/2024 00:48

@N12251234, your supportive loved ones are a godsend.

I’m glad that your MIL has reached out, but I guarantee that H has downplayed his behaviour and blamed your ‘misunderstanding’ and ‘overreacting.’ She would undoubtedly be shocked at her son and OW’s constant contact and their basically acting like a couple.