Female colleague calling and texting partner all the time

I do know from his parents that he’s also been to stay over at her house a couple of times too since he’s been gone. He claims it’s because he needed a break from his dad (they don’t get along great) and she offered him a place to stay as a “friend”.

WTAF! Shes the reason he isn't bloody well at home. So he goes and stays there a couple of nights!
Stick to your guns OP, he is absolutely taking the piss and staying at hers has just nailed his own coffin shut. How does he expect you to trust him now?

Its more than friendship if shes invited him to stay at hers where she lives with her parents! I can only imagine the story she has been spun from him - but I expect it to be full of woe is me, my wife is crazy, let me cry on your pretty little 23 year old shoulder, you understand me...........

So sorry op, you sound amazing and so strong and sorry he turned out to be a dickhead.

She does still live with her mum and brother

FWIW I have a daughter that age and if she was still living in my home and brought home to stay “as a friend” (yeah right!) a married man round who had abandoned his wife and newborn child for her I’d be having words with her about the implications of exactly what he has done…and they’d both be shown the Travelodge website!!!

Wow, I'm sorry to hear about your update, he clearly was having an affair with her and has abandoned his family.

Good for you sticking to your guns and starting a divorce. It will be hard with a little one, but you deserve respect and someone who always puts you first no matter what.

Keep doing the amazing job your doing.

I do know from his parents that he’s also been to stay over at her house a couple of times too since he’s been gone

WTAF? He clearly thinks you're "simple minded" too if he thinks you'd believe that is innocent. If he wanted to sort things out with you there is no way on this Earth he would have done that

Even if she sees it as a friendship I guarantee he wants more

OP you should be so proud of yourself for being this strong, it’s never easy to go through this but especially with a young baby too.
I went through something similar with my ex husband 12 years ago. Similar situation with a work colleague who was younger and single and she appeared to be the one contacting him. I was told it was just friendship and that I wasn’t giving him enough attention etc. Ultimately I discovered their affair and stupidly took him back but the trust and respect had gone and he is now my ex husband. I wish I’d have had the strength to not take him back and to believe that my life could be amazing without him. i’m now married to a wonderful man, my two kids have a good relationship with their father and life is good.
Sending you lots of love and strength. Please look on the entitled to website to check if you can claim UC and help with childcare once you return to work.

Absolutely this @N12251234

As painful as this might be right now you’re doing the right thing for you and your child. Everything that your child ex-H has shown you about his behaviour indicates where his priorities lie and I sincerely hope he lives to regret his actions. I’m thinking of you 💐and admiring your strength!

You’re brilliant @N12251234

Well done. You’ll look back on this and know you did the 100% right thing

N12251234 · Today 14:14

she offered him a place to stay as a “friend”.

Well, how kind of her to do that - and because he doesn't get on with his Dad, too🙄! The pair of them have really shown you exactly what they're like, haven't they? You'll be well rid of him, OP, especially as he's again shown what a waste of space he is by not exactly putting himself out to see his own child, either. I wonder if he's told her yet that he thinks she's 'a bit simple'? That's a real turn-on isn't it? Pathetic pair.

You are right - you deserve to be respected. Look after yourself - you can get through this and find much better times ahead. 🌻

She does still live with her mum and brother

I suspect the novelty of this arrangement will wear off for all.

@N12251234

How are you doing?

Has he come to his senses yet or come clean?

OP already fought for her family, he fucked up. They are BOTH parents, OP does not get to walk away because she may feel overwhelmed.
Why would OP want to talk to the female in question- she is an adult (she is 23 not 13 ffs) and knows exactly what she is doing.
There are rough times in marriages and then there are pathethic men who dont want a responsibility and experience an even more pathetic mid life crisis. He's not worth fighting for.

@N12251234 I think you are doing very well here. Please do seek legal advice and see about filing for divorce and making the finances work for you. It is likely to come as a shock to him, but that's his own fault.

Remember that if you do change your mind you can halt proceedings, but frankly it seems like your marriage is dead in the water thanks to your DHs indifference to both you and his child, and therefore you might as well get the ball rolling. There is no real benefit to you sitting in limbo. Start with a decent solicitor.

As far as MIL goes, I would take a step back. Naturally she is 'on his side' when it comes down to it, so I would be civil and polite with her, but she would need to do all the running if she wanted to come see the baby. I would stick to very bland topics if I had to spend time with her, and refuse to discuss her son at all. There is nothing to be gained from that. I would stop messaging her at all unless it was a request/query about baby and then I would be very brief and simply respond to any questions.

The OP should not be “fighting” for her family unit! It is her DH who should be fighting to win back her love, trust and bin off his colleague for good. He needs to damn well pull up his big boy pants, apologise and do what he should have been doing all along, which is prioritise her and his child before she files for divorce.

He’s not doing that, he’s probably being “consoled” by his colleague (oh poor me my wife has thrown me out!) and he’s the centre of attention again which is why he’s paid his child no attention. He doesn’t need to go running back as his needs are now being met, however self centred and selfish they are!

Ive done the “pick me” dance and when I look back on it, it was humiliating. I wish I’d just walked away at the first opportunity. The OP has a chance to do this as she’s got it right from the start. @N12251234 I applaud your strength…you’ve got this.

I don't think it's the OP who is binning off her marriage. It is her DH who is doing that by making clear his colleague is more important to him than his wife and child.

Why should OP have to fight for her marriage when it should be clear to him where his priorities should lie?

They are both paramedics who will have to face and manage difficult life and death situations every day.

If he can’t just phase out responding to texts with the excuse that he has a 4 month old baby, that is a choice.

Could it be that he has been a total chicken-shit about imposing adult, professional boundaries with his colleague?

She is very young, so possibly she is naive and doesn't realise that her behaviour is totally out of line and highly disrespectful to his wife.

If this were me - before binning-off the marriage, I would certainly speak to the colleague and ask her what she's playing at - inviting herself into your family time and being utterly ignorant of professional boundaries.

She no doubt knows that you are now "separated" (in her eyes) and he will probably have told her that you have thrown him out. (poor me, poor me)

All marriages hit rocky points. You've gone through the massive life change of bringing a child into your lives.

Your DH sounds like he's terrified of facing up to his responsibilities, which includes putting his family first.

Do you want to fight for your family unit?

Totally agree with you OP : you need to get legal advice. His appalling behaviour has left you no other option other than divorce. There is no way you could ever trust him again.
This should have been a happy time for you as a family with your wee baby. He has totally wrecked that by prioritising this other female.
Sending you best wishes.

Imagine doing this - leaving your wife and child because you don’t want to put boundaries in place with a colleague.

OP has never demanded no contact, nor that he change jobs or cuts contact entirely. Just that he reverts to a professional relationship.

You are better off without him @N12251234 he cannot be trusted.

He said that she needs his support because she is a bit simple minded

She wouldn't have qualified as a paramedic if she was 'a bit simple minded' ffs

OP, if something is making you uncomfortable, you are well within your rights in the relationship to tell him to stop.

Its very strange behaviour to constantly text anyone, never mind a work colleague of the opposite sex.

I have friends at work and we occasionally text (maybe once every few weeks or if theres an imminent work event) but thats generally it.

His reaction to this strongly suggests that this is an emotional affair whether he admits it or not even if there id no suggestion of a physical affair.

All it would take it is one after work drinks event for example, for things to escalate.

You did the right thing. Dont be with someone that cant show you basic respect.

The age difference as well is strange. She is 23. I have colleagues of the same age and I am 31 and view them as essentially "kids" and wouldnt generally socialise with them etc as would seen weird. Its a huge red flag that he is entertaining this.

Dont be surprised now he's been kicked out if he starts something with this girl. It'll not last though, and he will come crawling back. Dont let him back in.

Don't know for sure, but I would think there would be workplace rules in place to cover anything like this.

OP's got other things to worry about I know, but if I were her I'd be very tempted to let his bosses know, although from the sound of him, he'll simply deny it, the woman will deny it also, and he'll say his wife is paranoid and the relationship is breaking up because of it. He sounds very adept at side-stepping/ignoring the truth when it suits him.

And perhaps at the same time mention that OP's partner has described his co-worker as 'a bit simple'! Just the quality you need for a paramedic. But he'll deny that too, of course.

@N12251234, have you had any more conversations with your MIL?

If you have contacts at his place of work let them know.